And just like that, freshman year is over...

He looked so small and helpless, lying there in some strange hospital gown, his head and hands twitching with those odd, rhythmic spasms... he even tried to muster a smile when he saw me. At least he still knows who I am.

Something was peeking out from under the blanket... I pulled it back just a bit to see three wide, white, padded restraint straps buckled across his torso...

I took his hand and sat down beside him... and then he just started talking. And talking. And talking. Just non-stop...

My roommate chimed in— "Looks like his grip failed!" —which actually made me crack a smile. 😢

Kenneth Hernandez67, 😢

It honestly breaks my heart that he’s struggling so much right now 😢

But I truly believe there's some comfort in knowing someone is actually standing by him, which makes things a little more bearable, especially during those moments when he's feeling particularly vulnerable. That really does mean everything. There are plenty of people out there who aren't dealing with such severe struggles and will never truly understand what that feels like. You're doing an incredible job. 😘

So, do the doctors have even the slightest clue what we’re looking at over the next few weeks? Or are they just winging it too... anyway, hang in there, okay?

Thanks to everyone reading along and keeping us in your thoughts 🙂

After visiting him, I went to a scheduled meeting with his psychiatrist. My father finally agreed to sit down and face some of the medical team.

The doctor explained that this period of exacerbation—this relapse of his primary illness—didn't catch them off guard at all. Throughout this past year in the facility, he’s been doing everything in his power to "manage" his symptoms and reactions. Any progress he made regarding therapy was strictly superficial; it was just drops in the bucket.

Everything he was actually feeling and experiencing, he kept locked deep inside...

And now, he’s simply fallen apart. He’s fractured. Dissociated. All that suppressed trauma is spilling out in an uncontrolled mess. It’s not even just the catatonic state we saw before; now he's become psychomotorically hyperactive. There was a genuine risk of him falling or injuring himself because he refused to sit or lie down, staying on his feet constantly. That is why they had to use restraints.

When my father asked why his condition was actually getting worse despite being on Zyprexa—which is supposed to be the gold standard for antipsychotics—for eight months now, the answer he got was blunt: Zyprexa is highly effective, but it isn't a miracle cure.

Sure, it can produce incredible results, but typically for patients who are caught early in the cycle, not for someone who has been mismanaged for thirty years.... In my old man's case, it would be pure fantasy to expect him to never face another crisis just because he finally switched over to Zyprexa.

Did the psychiatrist say anything positive at all? Like, any sign that things might actually improve? 😢

How did your dad take the news? Did he end up saying anything to the doctor?

I just wish we could see some actual progress instead of spinning our wheels here.......

I'm still pulling for you...🙂

On top of everything else, the doctor told my dad that at this stage, it might be best if we cut back on visits for my father's sake... which my dad countered by saying he actually feels much calmer when I'm the one talking to him.

And the doctor just shot back—I wasn't even referring to you, 😎

😁 😎

If your dad Josh would just listen for once—that would be great. 🙂

Betty Hill82 said:Did the psychiatrist at least say anything positive? Like, will things actually get better? 😢

I spoke with the psychiatrist even earlier, back when we were scheduling the session that my father would also attend... he told me that from a psychiatric standpoint—even if it sounds completely "insane" to us—what happened with Barb is actually a massive step forward.

The thing is, he NEVER used to speak the way he does now, where everything just pours out of him uncontrollably... before, he was basically a shell, just following some expected pattern of responding to questions using rehearsed phrases.

The real question is how much time he'll need to navigate this intense psychosis he's stuck in, what he'll be like once he emerges from the crisis, and how long it will take for him to slowly, gradually start putting the pieces back together. 😢

Betty Hill82 said:😁 😎

If only your dad Josh would actually listen—that would be great. 🙂

The doctor issued a direct order to the head nurse: nobody gets in to visit him without calling ahead first and having the attending physician clear his condition.

Except for me.

Kenneth Hernandez67 is holding steady!
You really are a wonderful woman.

I honestly have so much admiration for you.

Kenneth Hernandez67 said:I talked to my psychiatrist earlier while we were setting up a session that would include my father too. He told me that, from a psychiatric standpoint—even if it seems totally "crazy"—what happened with Barb is actually a massive step forward.

He never used to say the things that are just pouring out of him uncontrollably now. He was basically just a shell, responding to questions using learned phrases and following some predictable pattern.

The only question is how long it will take him to navigate this intense psychosis he's in, who he'll be once he moves past this crisis, and how much time it takes to slowly, slowly start pulling himself together.😢

I've spent the last two days catching up on everything, and I wanted to chime in. I don't have any mental illness in my family, nor do I know anyone who does, but I do have a different perspective. Several of my close family members are psychiatrists. Believe me, what you are doing is incredibly rare and so, so precious. Throughout my life, I've heard countless stories of lost souls—people who were alone, people no one cared for, people who simply couldn't care for themselves. Because of that, I am certain your uncle has an amazing chance at recovery just because he has someone fighting for him and thinking of him.

After nearly non-stop, seemingly progressive—and it’s such a hard word to use in this micro-world—idyllic first year of therapy, I somehow expected everything to eventually surface. Reading your grandmother's journal and trying to imagine (I know it's impossible to truly fathom what others go through) your whole situation, I have to admit I was dreading when the breaking point would come. I mean exactly what you wrote above: the moment he breaks out of his shell and tears down all those walls he built around himself over the last 30 years.

I don't think I even need to tell you how much credit you deserve for digging through 30 years of deep psychological foundations. I can see you realize that you've finally reached his true "self." I just want to say that even as a complete stranger, I really appreciate and admire what you've achieved.

Kenneth Hernandez67, what did the doctor say about how much longer this is going to last?
And how did your old man take it when the doctor mentioned the visiting rules?

It’s a shame when you don't have anyone in your corner to lean on, someone to help pull you through. You just can't do this life alone.

Because at the end of the day, we're all just human.

And you're human too, even if you think you're a big shot.

There's someone up there watching everything we do.😉

PrittPen said:After what seemed like an almost non-stop streak of progress—and I know "progress" is a loaded term in this tiny little bubble—during that seemingly idyllic first year of therapy, I honestly expected everything to eventually surface. Reading through your journal entries and trying to wrap my head around your situation (though I know it’s impossible to truly grasp what others endure), I have to admit I was terrified of when the breaking point would hit. I mean exactly what you wrote above: that moment where he finally cracks out of his shell and tears down all those walls he spent thirty years building around himself.

PrittPen, you have no idea how much I appreciate this post...

Even though I was bracing myself for a potential crisis, this really shook me up. 😢

It somehow feels a bit easier knowing that others see this as something that could actually end on a positive note.

Because when I look at him just being...😢

And then hearing that I am somehow to blame because I was the one who put him in that position...🙄

Jeffrey Edwards5 said:Kenneth Hernandez67, what did the doctor say about how long this is going to last?
And how did your old man react when the doctor brought up the visiting rules?

The doctor didn't give me a timeline at all. Just vague stuff like "a few days" or "a few weeks"... nothing concrete.

My dad hasn't said a word. Absolutely nothing.

He just keeps repeating that as long as he was looking out for his brother, he would never have ended up in a state like this.

frozentiger6 said:It’s a shame you don't have someone there to lean on, to give you strength. No one can do this alone.

But people.

And you are a person too, my friend.

Someone up above sees everything.😉

Thanks so much for the support, frozentiger6...

It's just so hard... right now, I'm standing against them all by myself...

You aren't alone in this. 😉

It isn't your fault; it’s on them. I can't help but wonder how much of his current state happened naturally versus how much was pushed along by the very people you're describing.

Of course you're paying attention to what they say. When you feel like you're standing against the grain—that isolated feeling—it's easy for your mind to spiral. Sometimes it starts as pure anger because nobody seems to care to understand you, and before you know it, you're spiraling into, "Wait, what if I actually am wrong?"

But you *are* right. Stick to your guns as long as you believe you're on the right path. If you hadn't felt so certain, you wouldn't be going down this road in the first place, though I know having some backup helps. You've got mine for as long as it counts 😉 and you can see that for yourself.

Now that I actually think about it... they claim he never faced such a horrific crisis while he was 'abroad.'

Back when he was living overseas and hitting rock bottom, he’d lock himself inside for days on end, eating birdseed, sitting on his bike and planning trips to Italy, buying VCRs just to tear them apart and bury them, or barricading himself in the garage from his pursuers and slicing the skin off his own legs with a knife just so 'devices' couldn't track his location... honestly, I don't even have the energy to list everything else he did.

So how on earth can things be any worse now, when he's just lying there, sedentary, clean, tidy, with nothing to worry about but the next twenty-four hours?

puknutcemiglava 😵

I want to reiterate what I mentioned earlier: for people who aren't properly treated—or even those who've only been partially helped—this was pretty much inevitable. It’s easiest to look at what happened as just treating the symptoms. Now, it's time to tackle the actual root cause. If you can successfully overcome that, then the hardest part is behind you. Fingers crossed for you!