Fear of abandonment

This is my deepest source of pain, and honestly, it’s driving me absolutely out of my mind. I don't experience panic attacks all the time, but rather only when certain triggers get activated; I remember my very first one happened at a local Barnes & Noble, where a clerk stepped away to find a book for me, and suddenly, everything just spiraled.

It feels as though the strength is completely drained from my legs, and if I try to fight against that sensation, I am hit by this overwhelming surge of rage—not an uncontrollable impulse, mind you, but more like a sudden, intense drive to start pounding on things with a rhythm that feels almost violent.

I find myself feeling this irrational anger toward strangers, too. It isn't even about actually interacting with them; it’s just that split second when we pass each other in a hallway or on a sidewalk. In reality, the anger isn't truly directed at them, but is instead a byproduct of this constant, nagging fear of abandonment that follows me everywhere. It oscillates between pure terror and fury, and I find myself dreading the third emotion, because it never seems to last—that sense of genuine trust in others.

It isn't always like this, and I honestly don't know how I would cope if I were stuck in that state indefinitely, so I have to believe it will eventually recede. It just seems that my tendency to constantly ruminate on my own mental state has become a cycle. This all stems from my original trauma. It’s how I felt throughout my childhood, a heavy mixture of anxiety and sadness. I grew up surrounded by these frequent "jokes" about people leaving, while the parent who was supposed to be my constant presence would "accidentally" abandon me just as often.

But hey, you aren't a kid anymore. You actually have the power to shake up your habits and just leap right over those obstacles instead of hitting them head-on.

Hi there!

First off, I really to encounter what you wrote, and I truly hope you find healing from this wound soon. 🙂

I deeply to encounter your struggle because I deal with abandonment issues myself. It constantly sabotages my new relationships and leaves me drowning in anxiety. If you haven't lived through this, you simply won't get it. So, just let yourself feel it. This is massive trauma. You can't just "fix your habits" or consciously "skip the hurdles," because that subconscious fear will always trigger in moments like that library incident you mentioned. You’re feeling the weight of emotional abandonment all over again—that fear of it happening once more. Your body freezes, you feel this sudden, intense rage toward whoever caused you such deep pain, and then the panic sets in. These are perfectly normal symptoms; your system is just bracing for a perceived threat of being left again. It's incredibly unpleasant, sure, but it's actually protecting you. In those moments, breathe deep. Remind yourself of the truth: the danger isn't actually real, and the symptoms will pass quickly. 😉

This kind of trauma leaves a mark on a person and colors every future relationship. Give yourself plenty of time and a lot of self-love. Embrace that abandoned child inside you and give them everything your parents failed to provide when it mattered most. It will be okay. 🙂

Oh, and... try not to judge. Often, parents don't even know any better because they were subjected to the exact same trauma by their own parents.

I relate to all that mistrust. But try your best not to project those feelings onto new people. Realistically, you know it's just fear masquerading as intuition to protect you from getting hurt again.

If you haven't done any therapy yet—whether one-on-one or in a group—I sincerely suggest looking for a support group that addresses these specific issues. You need a safe, professional environment where you can vent everything you're feeling and process these emotions holding you back. That is the key: facing it and processing it subconsciously. Otherwise, it stays a constant shadow over every new relationship.
😉Just take it one step at a time!

That’s my biggest fear too. Honestly, even after three or four years of therapy, I haven't come anywhere close to untangling it...

It all started with this one night of pure trauma where my parents basically abandoned me—they just didn't show up when they were supposed to, leaving me alone for hours. Since they'd spent so much time before then threatening me, telling me I was bad or that I deserved to be left alone, I totally spiraled thinking they actually did it. They found me in a state of complete shock, just completely broken. After that, it was months of being unable to sleep alone, dealing with their aggression toward a kid who "wasn't normal" or was "sick" and "exhausting" because of his fears—but for me, the fears just kept stacking on top of each other. There was no professional help back then; they just tried to force the trauma down. Around that same time, I was first getting exposed to sexual themes and porn, and that's when the masochism started—deep, emotional, and sexual...
I think I might be one of those rare cases where everything collided during that specific phase of life, and honestly, most psychiatrists can't seem to unravel that knot of trauma and sexuality...
That fear of abandonment is what triggers my anxiety attacks today. I'm constantly popping Xanax just trying to keep my head above water. It doesn't matter how deep I breathe; the reality is that my ego just shatters into a thousand pieces. It isn't just the fear of being left behind, though—it's this pervasive masochism that's woven into every single fiber of my being. It's like this endless tug-of-war where one part of me wants to sink and drown, while the other is desperately fighting to stay afloat...
This constant struggle, this dancing on the edge of life and death, has become a defining trait for me. It's my way of trying to exert control—this fake sense of control meant to preserve the "self," vent tension, and smooth over that terrifying dread of falling apart when someone leaves...
I’d say, on average, I’m way more messed up than the typical person dealing with these fears, but I compensate for it way more than the average guy. My therapist is baffled by how much I've bottled up all these years, and how I swap out feelings—replacing sadness with laughter, love with sacrifice, and anxiety with sex... It's like having a computer that calculates 2+2=4, but for me, the math comes out as some weird, broken equation that somehow still equals four...
Because of all this, working through it with myself feels impossible. You'll only solve your problem if you actually face the trauma head-on and dedicate yourself to it—being clear, open, and not afraid of the pain, so you can finally embrace and accept that wounded child inside...
But me? I don't know anymore. I don't know where that child ends and where I begin, where my beginning meets my end, or even what I'm actually feeling or what my emotions are made of. It's a puzzle that makes zero sense, and honestly, nobody—not even me—can make sense of it anymore...

Donna White50 said:That’s my biggest fear too. Honestly, even after three or four years of therapy, I haven't come anywhere close to untangling it...

It all started with this one night of pure trauma where my parents basically abandoned me—they just didn't show up when they were supposed to, leaving me alone for hours. Since they'd spent so much time before then threatening me, telling me I was bad or that I deserved to be left alone, I totally spiraled thinking they actually did it. They found me in a state of complete shock, just completely broken. After that, it was months of being unable to sleep alone, dealing with their aggression toward a kid who "wasn't normal" or was "sick" and "exhausting" because of his fears—but for me, the fears just kept stacking on top of each other. There was no professional help back then; they just tried to force the trauma down. Around that same time, I was first getting exposed to sexual themes and porn, and that's when the masochism started—deep, emotional, and sexual...
I think I might be one of those rare cases where everything collided during that specific phase of life, and honestly, most psychiatrists can't seem to unravel that knot of trauma and sexuality...
That fear of abandonment is what triggers my anxiety attacks today. I'm constantly popping Xanax just trying to keep my head above water. It doesn't matter how deep I breathe; the reality is that my ego just shatters into a thousand pieces. It isn't just the fear of being left behind, though—it's this pervasive masochism that's woven into every single fiber of my being. It's like this endless tug-of-war where one part of me wants to sink and drown, while the other is desperately fighting to stay afloat...
This constant struggle, this dancing on the edge of life and death, has become a defining trait for me. It's my way of trying to exert control—this fake sense of control meant to preserve the "self," vent tension, and smooth over that terrifying dread of falling apart when someone leaves...
I’d say, on average, I’m way more messed up than the typical person dealing with these fears, but I compensate for it way more than the average guy. My therapist is baffled by how much I've bottled up all these years, and how I swap out feelings—replacing sadness with laughter, love with sacrifice, and anxiety with sex... It's like having a computer that calculates 2+2=4, but for me, the math comes out as some weird, broken equation that somehow still equals four...
Because of all this, working through it with myself feels impossible. You'll only solve your problem if you actually face the trauma head-on and dedicate yourself to it—being clear, open, and not afraid of the pain, so you can finally embrace and accept that wounded child inside...
But me? I don't know anymore. I don't know where that child ends and where I begin, where my beginning meets my end, or even what I'm actually feeling or what my emotions are made of. It's a puzzle that makes zero sense, and honestly, nobody—not even me—can make sense of it anymore...

It’s good to see others here actually managing this mess despite all the absolute chaos we’ve endured. I truly believe that through relentless, long-term therapy—where you actually dive headfirst into those terrifying emotional whirlpools and untangle the knots you've spent years tying—you can almost entirely wipe out the suffering. The catch? You can't fight the process. That is incredibly hard. Dealing with the raw emotions and the fallout is brutal. But look, if it took us a lifetime to weave this massive web of toxic mental habits, it’s going to take just as long to unravel it and find some semblance of balance again.

I think anyone can do this. It really just comes down to how much time, effort, energy, and willpower they’re willing to pour into such a long process. Honestly, it’s a tragedy when people let these patterns calcify so deeply that they become totally oblivious; at that point, working with them in therapy becomes a nightmare. In most cases, I believe the price we pay for building those walls against trauma is simply too high.

It’s great that you’re seeing all of this clearly, Donna White50, including all those self-destructive habits and emotions you're dealing with. That’s the first step, obviously. You’re acting intelligently based on what you learn, and looking at your posts in other threads, it seems like you've managed to maintain a normal family life—and a normal life in general—despite everything. I think you’ve already achieved so much just by doing that. You’re clearly stronger than you give yourself credit for, even with those deep wounds from your childhood. I don't know you personally, but some of this hits close to home for me. It’s perfectly fine to feel this confused right now; it's often just a side effect of those subconscious processes where we start processing heavy emotions and experiences. For instance, I wasn't always aware that certain moves I made were driven specifically by that intense sense of confusion and disorientation.

Look, you say it’s impossible to work with you. Fine. I completely get the resistance toward any attempt to "mess around" with all that stuff. But once you strip away all the defenses and the rationalizations, the final call is entirely yours. Because, frankly, I don't think you'd even realize that what you're saying is truly absolute and categorical—just so 😉

Gerald Morgan4 said:It’s good to see others here actually managing this mess despite all the absolute chaos we’ve endured. I truly believe that through relentless, long-term therapy—where you actually dive headfirst into those terrifying emotional whirlpools and untangle the knots you've spent years tying—you can almost entirely wipe out the suffering. The catch? You can't fight the process. That is incredibly hard. Dealing with the raw emotions and the fallout is brutal. But look, if it took us a lifetime to weave this massive web of toxic mental habits, it’s going to take just as long to unravel it and find some semblance of balance again.

I think anyone can do this. It really just comes down to how much time, effort, energy, and willpower they’re willing to pour into such a long process. Honestly, it’s a tragedy when people let these patterns calcify so deeply that they become totally oblivious; at that point, working with them in therapy becomes a nightmare. In most cases, I believe the price we pay for building those walls against trauma is simply too high.

It’s great that you’re seeing all of this clearly, Donna White50, including all those self-destructive habits and emotions you're dealing with. That’s the first step, obviously. You’re acting intelligently based on what you learn, and looking at your posts in other threads, it seems like you've managed to maintain a normal family life—and a normal life in general—despite everything. I think you’ve already achieved so much just by doing that. You’re clearly stronger than you give yourself credit for, even with those deep wounds from your childhood. I don't know you personally, but some of this hits close to home for me. It’s perfectly fine to feel this confused right now; it's often just a side effect of those subconscious processes where we start processing heavy emotions and experiences. For instance, I wasn't always aware that certain moves I made were driven specifically by that intense sense of confusion and disorientation.

Look, you say it’s impossible to work with you. Fine. I completely get the resistance toward any attempt to "mess around" with all that stuff. But once you strip away all the defenses and the rationalizations, the final call is entirely yours. Because, frankly, I don't think you'd even realize that what you're saying is truly absolute and categorical—just so 😉

I just can't afford to fall apart. And the truth is, I fall apart the second I scratch beneath the surface. And that breakdown looks like this: right now, I'm functional—I handle my life, my job, my kid, my family, I put in the overtime if the job needs it... but the moment I start poking at my emotions, or a bad memory, or even just thinking about them for a second, I turn into a completely different person. I literally crumble. I can't get out of bed, I can't work, I can't take care of my child, my focus goes to zero, I feel empty and drained of any energy, and then the nightmares, the anxiety, and the pure dread kick in...
At 38, with everything going on in my life—especially now with my little one needing me, and after losing my dad without even fully processing it, and with my marriage hitting serious rough patches—I simply cannot allow myself to break down. I can't just say, "whatever, let the emotions and the traumas I've suppressed for 30 years wash over me" and hope the flood clears everything out...
I'd probably end up on heavy meds and stuck in a psych ward...
Right now, I’m basically just operating like a robot—zero emotion, either that or I just completely fall apart. My emotional tank is totally empty... I’m trying so hard not to feel anything at all, which means I’m burying even the good stuff deep down, not just the bad...
The only thing keeping me going is my own brain, honestly. Being smart enough to recognize when things are going south helps, and then I use whatever techniques I can find to chill out and channel the anxiety—it's basically just firefighting at this point...

I know deep down that one day I’m gonna snap like a dry twig and never quite pull myself back together. But what am I supposed to do? Lose my job? Spend years on heavy-duty antidepressants just trying to piece together all these different versions of myself while my kid watches me struggle like this? No way... I just can't...

Donna White50 said:That’s my biggest fear too. Honestly, even after three or four years of therapy, I haven't come anywhere close to untangling it...

It all started with this one night of pure trauma where my parents basically abandoned me—they just didn't show up when they were supposed to, leaving me alone for hours. Since they'd spent so much time before then threatening me, telling me I was bad or that I deserved to be left alone, I totally spiraled thinking they actually did it. They found me in a state of complete shock, just completely broken. After that, it was months of being unable to sleep alone, dealing with their aggression toward a kid who "wasn't normal" or was "sick" and "exhausting" because of his fears—but for me, the fears just kept stacking on top of each other. There was no professional help back then; they just tried to force the trauma down. Around that same time, I was first getting exposed to sexual themes and porn, and that's when the masochism started—deep, emotional, and sexual...
I think I might be one of those rare cases where everything collided during that specific phase of life, and honestly, most psychiatrists can't seem to unravel that knot of trauma and sexuality...
That fear of abandonment is what triggers my anxiety attacks today. I'm constantly popping Xanax just trying to keep my head above water. It doesn't matter how deep I breathe; the reality is that my ego just shatters into a thousand pieces. It isn't just the fear of being left behind, though—it's this pervasive masochism that's woven into every single fiber of my being. It's like this endless tug-of-war where one part of me wants to sink and drown, while the other is desperately fighting to stay afloat...
This constant struggle, this dancing on the edge of life and death, has become a defining trait for me. It's my way of trying to exert control—this fake sense of control meant to preserve the "self," vent tension, and smooth over that terrifying dread of falling apart when someone leaves...
I’d say, on average, I’m way more messed up than the typical person dealing with these fears, but I compensate for it way more than the average guy. My therapist is baffled by how much I've bottled up all these years, and how I swap out feelings—replacing sadness with laughter, love with sacrifice, and anxiety with sex... It's like having a computer that calculates 2+2=4, but for me, the math comes out as some weird, broken equation that somehow still equals four...
Because of all this, working through it with myself feels impossible. You'll only solve your problem if you actually face the trauma head-on and dedicate yourself to it—being clear, open, and not afraid of the pain, so you can finally embrace and accept that wounded child inside...
But me? I don't know anymore. I don't know where that child ends and where I begin, where my beginning meets my end, or even what I'm actually feeling or what my emotions are made of. It's a puzzle that makes zero sense, and honestly, nobody—not even me—can make sense of it anymore...

If that’s really how it works, then you’re just average. People who have dealt with much heavier trauma but still manage to function okay in society—you know, they aren't just struggling to get by on the streets—they all have the same kind of internal processor. They compensate for one thing with another, add a third element to balance it out, a fourth to be acceptable to others, a fifth to feel okay with themselves, and eventually, it all just ends up being 2+2=4.

In other words, sorry, but you aren't special. Emotional numbness has been "in style" for so long that it isn't even cool anymore. ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:If that’s really how it works, then you’re just average. People who have dealt with much heavier trauma but still manage to function okay in society—you know, they aren't just struggling to get by on the streets—they all have the same kind of internal processor. They compensate for one thing with another, add a third element to balance it out, a fourth to be acceptable to others, a fifth to feel okay with themselves, and eventually, it all just ends up being 2+2=4.

In other words, sorry, but you aren't special. Emotional numbness has been "in style" for so long that it isn't even cool anymore. ☕

Man, I would trade my diagnosis for yours in a heartbeat—you can take mine, no questions asked... and I’ll even throw in 90% of the other crap I didn't mention here, or even to a psychiatrist, since I highly doubt there’s anyone out there with enough
grit to listen to the full details. I bet even your doctor would get sick of it pretty fast and tell you, "No thanks, you're actually unique in how messy this is..."

Seriously, I wouldn't wish my life path on my worst enemy if you're being real... though I'm not judging, I've lived with my own mess for so long that compared to me, your little struggles feel like child's play...

Donna White50 said:Man, I would trade my diagnosis for yours in a heartbeat—you can take mine, no questions asked... and I’ll even throw in 90% of the other crap I didn't mention here, or even to a psychiatrist, since I highly doubt there’s anyone out there with enough
grit to listen to the full details. I bet even your doctor would get sick of it pretty fast and tell you, "No thanks, you're actually unique in how messy this is..."

Seriously, I wouldn't wish my life path on my worst enemy if you're being real... though I'm not judging, I've lived with my own mess for so long that compared to me, your little struggles feel like child's play...

No worries at all. Here, have a hunchback instead. It's on the house. 🙂

Joseph Bailey41 said:No worries at all. Here, have a hunchback instead. It's on the house. 🙂

I'll pass on the gift—I'm not exactly a saint

Donna White50 said:I'll pass on the gift—I'm not exactly a saint

Of course you aren't. Honestly, I was trying to think of an animal to compare you to... but I can't find one that wallows in its own imaginary misery quite as much as you do. What is actually bothering you, besides being hooked on your meds? Please don't start with the "my mom didn't breastfeed me enough" routine, or how you spent your teenage years obsessing over adult magazines your dad hid under his mattress... Tell me what's genuinely hurting you right now. Are you drowning in debt? Do you, your wife, and your kid have enough food on the table? Do you have running water, enough money for the heat, or is someone at work making your life a living hell while you're too afraid to quit because you'd all end up on the street? Are you actually hungry for anything, other than our attention?🍿

Joseph Bailey41 said:Of course you aren't. Honestly, I was trying to think of an animal to compare you to... but I can't find one that wallows in its own imaginary misery quite as much as you do. What is actually bothering you, besides being hooked on your meds? Please don't start with the "my mom didn't breastfeed me enough" routine, or how you spent your teenage years obsessing over adult magazines your dad hid under his mattress... Tell me what's genuinely hurting you right now. Are you drowning in debt? Do you, your wife, and your kid have enough food on the table? Do you have running water, enough money for the heat, or is someone at work making your life a living hell while you're too afraid to quit because you'd all end up on the street? Are you actually hungry for anything, other than our attention?🍿

I’d say you’re just fishing for attention with posts like this... and you’re doing a great job. If you don't have an ounce of empathy to show, even online, then don't spout off about how other people's problems are nothing compared to those lacking basic survival needs... and seriously, a little respect wouldn't hurt. 😉

Gerald Morgan4 said:I’d say you’re just fishing for attention with posts like this... and you’re doing a great job. If you don't have an ounce of empathy to show, even online, then don't spout off about how other people's problems are nothing compared to those lacking basic survival needs... and seriously, a little respect wouldn't hurt. 😉

Show empathy online? 🤣

And if I may ask, why exactly should I give a damn? ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:Show empathy online? 🤣

And if I may ask, why exactly should I give a damn? ☕

Seriously, what part of this are you struggling to grasp? I assume it’s a foreign concept to you, hence the wide-eyed confusion. Look, we aren't sitting here debating which brand of deli meat to pair with cheese on a sandwich; we are discussing deeply sensitive issues. The absolute least you can do is stop acting like a judgmental jerk just because someone else's struggles feel trivial compared to your own ability to afford that damn sandwich. 😉

So... I'm done conversing with you like this. Go take your frustrations out somewhere else. 🙂

Gerald Morgan4 said:Seriously, what part of this are you struggling to grasp? I assume it’s a foreign concept to you, hence the wide-eyed confusion. Look, we aren't sitting here debating which brand of deli meat to pair with cheese on a sandwich; we are discussing deeply sensitive issues. The absolute least you can do is stop acting like a judgmental jerk just because someone else's struggles feel trivial compared to your own ability to afford that damn sandwich. 😉

So... I'm done conversing with you like this. Go take your frustrations out somewhere else. 🙂

Honestly... Donna White50 and I have known each other on this forum for ages. I'm used to his constant whining and playing the victim, and he's used to me giving him a hard time. You're really the only one here who's out of the loop. That's why I asked you—plain and simple—what your deal is.

If you don't want to answer, that's fine—it's not like I need that info as badly as choosing bread for a sandwich. ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:Honestly... Donna White50 and I have known each other on this forum for ages. I'm used to his constant whining and playing the victim, and he's used to me giving him a hard time. You're really the only one here who's out of the loop. That's why I asked you—plain and simple—what your deal is.

If you don't want to answer, that's fine—it's not like I need that info as badly as choosing bread for a sandwich. ☕

So, just write it in the chat... and how exactly am I supposed to know that? Clearly, it didn't cross your mind. Honestly, there are much better places for chat, and maybe you could have mentioned that before barking at me about my business.
In reality, both of you are just adding useless noise to the discussion and cluttering the thread. Use your PMs or find another sub if you're looking to troll and mess around. 🙂

Gerald Morgan4 said:So, just write it in the chat... and how exactly am I supposed to know that? Clearly, it didn't cross your mind. Honestly, there are much better places for chat, and maybe you could have mentioned that before barking at me about my business.
In reality, both of you are just adding useless noise to the discussion and cluttering the thread. Use your PMs or find another sub if you're looking to troll and mess around. 🙂

It isn't "chatting," and it certainly isn't a joke. I genuinely believe that all of Donna White50's problems will be solved the very second she realizes she’s talking nonsense and finally decides to grow up. But the main issue here is that you're acting like her lawyer when you clearly don't have a clue what's actually going on. ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:It isn't "chatting," and it certainly isn't a joke. I genuinely believe that all of Donna White50's problems will be solved the very second she realizes she’s talking nonsense and finally decides to grow up. But the main issue here is that you're acting like her lawyer when you clearly don't have a clue what's actually going on. ☕

Fine, if you want to talk to each other with that kind of snarky attitude, go ahead. It's your business. I won't interfere. However, since I didn't realize the context at first, I found your post completely out of line—which I hope you can see why, given that I actually relate to everyone dealing with this mess. That kind of behavior really gets under my skin. Not because I want to play lawyer for radical change or anyone else, but because I can't stand insecure little weasels who feel the need to mock others and pass judgment. Anyway, I hope we're done here. 🙂

Gerald Morgan4 said:Fine, if you want to talk to each other with that kind of snarky attitude, go ahead. It's your business. I won't interfere. However, since I didn't realize the context at first, I found your post completely out of line—which I hope you can see why, given that I actually relate to everyone dealing with this mess. That kind of behavior really gets under my skin. Not because I want to play lawyer for radical change or anyone else, but because I can't stand insecure little weasels who feel the need to mock others and pass judgment. Anyway, I hope we're done here. 🙂

Personally, things like people being blatantly illiterate on these forums drive me crazy (I'll admit, I have a bit of a disdain for it), but I don't go looking for a fight unless someone comes at me first. You can side with whoever you want, but just leave me out of it and we won't have any issues. Goodnight. 🥱

Like I said, I’ll openly push back against anyone I perceive as a bully. Your tone in those previous posts definitely gave off that impression (even without more context). I’m sorry you took it personally, but honestly, that shouldn't be my concern. I made my reasons for reacting perfectly clear. Anyway, have it your way ☕