Who can I talk to for help? Who should I reach out to?

I guess I’m writing this post in the hope that someone out there might actually listen, understand, and maybe point me in the right direction.
I’ve been a member of this forum for over eleven years now. When I first joined, I was dealing with a diagnosis of anxiety and depression, along with occasional manic episodes. After living with that for two years, I went through two consecutive psychotic episodes—the second one being particularly brutal, requiring six months in the hospital—which led to a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. It completely derailed my education; I dropped out of every college program I tried, from the FBI academy training tracks to MIT and various local community colleges.
Right now, I just feel utterly despondent and let down by everything.
I really want psychotherapy, and while talking to friends, partners, or family often feels like a step toward that, we all know deep down that a casual conversation can't replace a professional psychiatrist.
The thing is, real psychotherapy costs money, and no matter how much people tell you how noble and dedicated these doctors are, every single one of them expects something like $117 for just one hour of their time. To earn enough for a single hour of therapy, I have to spend a day and a half working manual labor on a construction site.
Currently, I’m back home in the Midwest (though I’m planning to head to Washington, D.C. after the first of May), and the psychiatric care out here is honestly tragic.
I went to a check-up with my mom—who deals with the same diagnosis—about four days ago, and all I got were a few trivial pieces of advice and the same old prescription, maybe a slight adjustment next time.
It isn't necessarily about whether the doctor is good or bad; the real issue is that they are simply overwhelmed with too many patients. That’s the systemic failure of our entire healthcare system, especially within psychiatry.
Even if I decided to go the private psychotherapy route, I know I shouldn't expect any miracles; my condition is biological, so medication is absolutely necessary.
If I think about it further, I might even decide to commit to private sessions, regardless of the cost, just to feel even slightly better—because I can't talk about this stuff with the people in my daily life nearly as much as I would like to.
I’m not a religious person, and I don't make a point of bragging about that, but I simply am not, so I have no desire to sit down for a talk with a priest.
I have no idea what the next ten years hold for me, but I do know that I face the struggle of every conscious day, because as long as my soul continues to ache, I suppose I'm still alive.
For now, I’m functioning okay-ish, depending on which kind of day it happens to be.
I’m not asking for anything more than a normal life, but at the moment, a normal life feels completely out of reach.
I don't have anything or anyone besides myself. I find myself wondering just how much further I can fall before I finally reach a point where I can accept it.

I can't really give you some profound life advice here. Unfortunately, therapy isn't cheap—but honestly, I think for you, the priority is getting an accurate diagnosis and keeping everything steady with medication. Living with a condition like yours is incredibly tough and demanding, but you can't let it break you. Your mental health has to be your number one priority—everything else, like finding your footing with work or just moving forward, comes after that. Fight for yourself and don't throw in the towel. You’ve got to accept the diagnosis and learn how to navigate life around it, while still trying to make the absolute most out of everything... because once things are stable, life for all of us pretty much boils down to a daily grind with just tiny little moments of joy sprinkled in...

I’m currently on the latest and arguably the most effective medications available on the market today.
Honestly, I don't see much room for improvement there.
If anything, I might consider bumping up my antidepressant dosage, since I tend to find myself feeling low more often than I feel actually okay. But then again, I can't really make any moves like that without sitting down for a proper evaluation with my psychiatrist first.

🙂

I honestly don't know who you should turn to. The folks covered by Medicare? They’re old school. They mostly just stick to standard talk therapy.
What you actually need is someone with experience in IBM-style approaches.
Psychiatrists who specialize in that kind of work don't bother working for Medicare because they can make way more money running their own private practices.
The downside? You have to pay out of pocket.

I'm with Donna White50 on this one—you've got to accept yourself exactly as you are and just squeeze every bit of potential out of what you've got.

And yeah, a change of scenery is always a good idea.
I don't know what you do for a living, but moving somewhere far away from home often does the trick.
It's simple: you change the atmosphere. Between working hard and dealing with new people, you don't even have time to overthink things. Sometimes, those diagnoses just sort of fade into the background.

Good luck 👍

Harold Anderson3

Harold Anderson3 said:I’m currently on the latest and arguably the most effective medications available on the market today.
Honestly, I don't see much room for improvement there.
If anything, I might consider bumping up my antidepressant dosage, since I tend to find myself feeling low more often than I feel actually okay. But then again, I can't really make any moves like that without sitting down for a proper evaluation with my psychiatrist first.

Look, it’s people, your environment, and life circumstances that trigger these depressive episodes.
Try tackling those actual issues. Antidepressants just patch up the symptoms—they don't fix the root cause.

Thanks so much lady number 🙂
Right now, my options are pretty limited to working as a construction laborer.
That’s really the only thing I can step into given my experience, though the pay is nothing to write home about.
I've actually heard of IBM therapy mentioned before, but honestly, I don't know the first thing about it.🕺
I'll give it a good search on Google; thanks for the tip.😉

mistydrifter55 said:Harold Anderson3

Look, it’s people, your environment, and life circumstances that trigger these depressive episodes.
Try tackling those actual issues. Antidepressants just patch up the symptoms—they don't fix the root cause.

It’s the same story with antipsychotics; they don't really solve the core problem either. If you stop taking them, the psychosis tends to come crawling back sooner or later.
Since psychosis feels like a "level above" depression, the medication has to be proportionally stronger to manage it.
Personally, I don't have any issues with my prescriptions—I've been on them for about ten years now without any bad side effects.
For a few years after my psychotic episode, things actually seemed to be getting better and better, though lately, I feel like I've just hit a plateau.
Now, I'm trying to find ways to make more progress through other avenues, like working with a therapist.

Harold Anderson3 said:Thanks so much lady number 🙂
Right now, my options are pretty limited to working as a construction laborer.
That’s really the only thing I can step into given my experience, though the pay is nothing to write home about.
I've actually heard of IBM therapy mentioned before, but honestly, I don't know the first thing about it.🕺
I'll give it a good search on Google; thanks for the tip.😉

Look, if you learn how to hang drywall, do taping and mudding, painting, plastering, or even laying laminate, you'll be set—you could pick up side gigs on top of your main job and the money would be way better... 👍

Donna White50 said:Look, if you learn how to hang drywall, do taping and mudding, painting, plastering, or even laying laminate, you'll be set—you could pick up side gigs on top of your main job and the money would be way better... 👍

I mean, sure, most of those jobs are about as straightforward as they come—you just roll up your sleeves and, like you said, learn the ropes... so why not just go for it?🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:I mean, sure, most of those jobs are about as straightforward as they come—you just roll up your sleeves and, like you said, learn the ropes... so why not just go for it?🙂

Physical labor is actually great; it really helps clear your head. Honestly, I’d probably recommend "shovel therapy" to most people on this forum. 🤣

As far as talking things out goes, until you find a solid therapist, try venting here. You’ve written some truly brilliant posts in other sections of the forum, and if you could somehow take that same intelligence you used when discussing physics and religion and turn it inward to explore yourself, I think we could all learn a lot from you.

Harold Anderson3, what’s your take on the best path toward mental recovery? Are you searching for some overarching purpose? Do you believe that once you find meaning, the depression just... evaporates? I don't have the answers to any of this myself, so please don't think I'm implying that finding a sense of purpose is some kind of magic cure for depression.

Joseph Bailey41 said:Physical labor is actually great; it really helps clear your head. Honestly, I’d probably recommend "shovel therapy" to most people on this forum. 🤣

As far as talking things out goes, until you find a solid therapist, try venting here. You’ve written some truly brilliant posts in other sections of the forum, and if you could somehow take that same intelligence you used when discussing physics and religion and turn it inward to explore yourself, I think we could all learn a lot from you.

Thanks for that.
It’s funny how so many people understand the world around them much better than they understand themselves.
Self-awareness usually comes later; we're born focusing on our surroundings first, and then we gradually become aware of who we are as time passes.
Even though it feels like we need to figure ourselves out before we can grasp the world, it doesn't really work that way. It's more like those two processes should be running side-by-side, happening simultaneously.
The forum can definitely help, but I really do need professional therapy; I don't want to suffocate the users here, or my friends, or anyone else in my life, by dumping all my problems on them 🤣 and even if they wanted to listen, there isn't much I could do to help them anyway.

Regarding the science stuff, math always came naturally to me; I never had to struggle too hard and I could solve almost any problem. I even used to compete in math meets. Later on, physics came along, and I found that even easier.
But then illness took its toll, and that talent just sort of evaporated. College is a massive step up from high school, and I just couldn't push my abilities forward no matter how hard I tried. If anything, I’d say I "weakened" compared to how I was in high school, especially back in middle school. It sucks...
Well, I did manage to pass physics at the local community college with an A, so there's a little bit of that old spark left, but that wasn't nearly as tough as the physics at MIT, let alone what they teach at a top-tier research university.

jadelynx2 said:Harold Anderson3, what’s your take on the best path toward mental recovery? Are you searching for some overarching purpose? Do you believe that once you find meaning, the depression just... evaporates? I don't have the answers to any of this myself, so please don't think I'm implying that finding a sense of purpose is some kind of magic cure for depression.

I'm fully aware that a complete recovery might not be possible.
I know what I want to get out of life, but there's no guarantee I'll feel satisfied even if I achieve it.
You should always try to be content with what you have while still striving for something better at the same time. But dissatisfaction and depression aren't the same thing. It's easy to dream things up, but much harder to make them a reality.
To start with, it would be good to just find a decent-paying job, and then we'll see where things go from there.
My brother is getting married in two weeks, so after the wedding festivities, I'm planning to head to Washington, D.C. I already have a few ideas about what my next steps should be.

Harold Anderson3 said:Thanks for that.
It’s funny how so many people understand the world around them much better than they understand themselves.
Self-awareness usually comes later; we're born focusing on our surroundings first, and then we gradually become aware of who we are as time passes.
Even though it feels like we need to figure ourselves out before we can grasp the world, it doesn't really work that way. It's more like those two processes should be running side-by-side, happening simultaneously.
The forum can definitely help, but I really do need professional therapy; I don't want to suffocate the users here, or my friends, or anyone else in my life, by dumping all my problems on them 🤣 and even if they wanted to listen, there isn't much I could do to help them anyway.

Regarding the science stuff, math always came naturally to me; I never had to struggle too hard and I could solve almost any problem. I even used to compete in math meets. Later on, physics came along, and I found that even easier.
But then illness took its toll, and that talent just sort of evaporated. College is a massive step up from high school, and I just couldn't push my abilities forward no matter how hard I tried. If anything, I’d say I "weakened" compared to how I was in high school, especially back in middle school. It sucks...
Well, I did manage to pass physics at the local community college with an A, so there's a little bit of that old spark left, but that wasn't nearly as tough as the physics at MIT, let alone what they teach at a top-tier research university.

I'm fully aware that a complete recovery might not be possible.
I know what I want to get out of life, but there's no guarantee I'll feel satisfied even if I achieve it.
You should always try to be content with what you have while still striving for something better at the same time. But dissatisfaction and depression aren't the same thing. It's easy to dream things up, but much harder to make them a reality.
To start with, it would be good to just find a decent-paying job, and then we'll see where things go from there.
My brother is getting married in two weeks, so after the wedding festivities, I'm planning to head to Washington, D.C. I already have a few ideas about what my next steps should be.

In the beginning, there isn't really any ego involved. You’re just one with everything around you, and it’s only natural that your first instinct is to observe your surroundings. After all, your survival depends on it. It's only once you reach a certain level of comfort—when you aren't constantly worrying about where your next meal is coming from—that true self-awareness starts to kick in. Once you realize you can actually take care of yourself, and maybe even start shaping the world around you, that's when you truly begin to find yourself.

Harold Anderson3 said:Thanks for that.
It’s funny how so many people understand the world around them much better than they understand themselves.
Self-awareness usually comes later; we're born focusing on our surroundings first, and then we gradually become aware of who we are as time passes.
Even though it feels like we need to figure ourselves out before we can grasp the world, it doesn't really work that way. It's more like those two processes should be running side-by-side, happening simultaneously.
The forum can definitely help, but I really do need professional therapy; I don't want to suffocate the users here, or my friends, or anyone else in my life, by dumping all my problems on them 🤣 and even if they wanted to listen, there isn't much I could do to help them anyway.

Regarding the science stuff, math always came naturally to me; I never had to struggle too hard and I could solve almost any problem. I even used to compete in math meets. Later on, physics came along, and I found that even easier.
But then illness took its toll, and that talent just sort of evaporated. College is a massive step up from high school, and I just couldn't push my abilities forward no matter how hard I tried. If anything, I’d say I "weakened" compared to how I was in high school, especially back in middle school. It sucks...
Well, I did manage to pass physics at the local community college with an A, so there's a little bit of that old spark left, but that wasn't nearly as tough as the physics at MIT, let alone what they teach at a top-tier research university.

I'm fully aware that a complete recovery might not be possible.
I know what I want to get out of life, but there's no guarantee I'll feel satisfied even if I achieve it.
You should always try to be content with what you have while still striving for something better at the same time. But dissatisfaction and depression aren't the same thing. It's easy to dream things up, but much harder to make them a reality.
To start with, it would be good to just find a decent-paying job, and then we'll see where things go from there.
My brother is getting married in two weeks, so after the wedding festivities, I'm planning to head to Washington, D.C. I already have a few ideas about what my next steps should be.

Honestly, I don't get this obsession with policing what people post on this forum. If you aren't interested in reading someone else's story, then just scroll past—it’s that simple. For me, being able to type out my thoughts here has actually done more for my mental health than any psychotherapy sessions ever did. Maybe I just ran into a total fraud of a therapist, or maybe I'm just not built for that kind of traditional setup; who knows? Regardless, it worked for others. My advice? Until you have enough money saved up to pay a decent private specialist, just vent here. Some people come on here whining about nothing more than their own boredom or minor hypochondria, acting like they have some massive crisis when they really don't. And now we're supposed to stay quiet just to be "respectful" to potential readers? Give me a break. 🤣

Harold Anderson3 said:Thanks for that.
It’s funny how so many people understand the world around them much better than they understand themselves.
Self-awareness usually comes later; we're born focusing on our surroundings first, and then we gradually become aware of who we are as time passes.
Even though it feels like we need to figure ourselves out before we can grasp the world, it doesn't really work that way. It's more like those two processes should be running side-by-side, happening simultaneously.
The forum can definitely help, but I really do need professional therapy; I don't want to suffocate the users here, or my friends, or anyone else in my life, by dumping all my problems on them 🤣 and even if they wanted to listen, there isn't much I could do to help them anyway.

Regarding the science stuff, math always came naturally to me; I never had to struggle too hard and I could solve almost any problem. I even used to compete in math meets. Later on, physics came along, and I found that even easier.
But then illness took its toll, and that talent just sort of evaporated. College is a massive step up from high school, and I just couldn't push my abilities forward no matter how hard I tried. If anything, I’d say I "weakened" compared to how I was in high school, especially back in middle school. It sucks...
Well, I did manage to pass physics at the local community college with an A, so there's a little bit of that old spark left, but that wasn't nearly as tough as the physics at MIT, let alone what they teach at a top-tier research university.

I'm fully aware that a complete recovery might not be possible.
I know what I want to get out of life, but there's no guarantee I'll feel satisfied even if I achieve it.
You should always try to be content with what you have while still striving for something better at the same time. But dissatisfaction and depression aren't the same thing. It's easy to dream things up, but much harder to make them a reality.
To start with, it would be good to just find a decent-paying job, and then we'll see where things go from there.
My brother is getting married in two weeks, so after the wedding festivities, I'm planning to head to Washington, D.C. I already have a few ideas about what my next steps should be.

There are all these online courses out there for this and that—you can even earn legitimate certifications if you want. But honestly, everything comes down to the money. It’s expensive, and let’s be real, it’s always about the cash. 😢

So, does that mean there’s actually some truth to the idea that people who are naturally gifted in math and physics are more likely to end up dealing with schizophrenia?

darksurfer4 said:So, does that mean there’s actually some truth to the idea that people who are naturally gifted in math and physics are more likely to end up dealing with schizophrenia?

Just look at Pavun. 😁

Joseph Bailey41 said:Just look at Pavun. 😁

I wouldn't go so far as to say he’s just being eccentric...🤔

Joseph Bailey41 said:In the beginning, there isn't really any ego involved. You’re just one with everything around you, and it’s only natural that your first instinct is to observe your surroundings. After all, your survival depends on it. It's only once you reach a certain level of comfort—when you aren't constantly worrying about where your next meal is coming from—that true self-awareness starts to kick in. Once you realize you can actually take care of yourself, and maybe even start shaping the world around you, that's when you truly begin to find yourself.

Honestly, I don't get this obsession with policing what people post on this forum. If you aren't interested in reading someone else's story, then just scroll past—it’s that simple. For me, being able to type out my thoughts here has actually done more for my mental health than any psychotherapy sessions ever did. Maybe I just ran into a total fraud of a therapist, or maybe I'm just not built for that kind of traditional setup; who knows? Regardless, it worked for others. My advice? Until you have enough money saved up to pay a decent private specialist, just vent here. Some people come on here whining about nothing more than their own boredom or minor hypochondria, acting like they have some massive crisis when they really don't. And now we're supposed to stay quiet just to be "respectful" to potential readers? Give me a break. 🤣

There are all these online courses out there for this and that—you can even earn legitimate certifications if you want. But honestly, everything comes down to the money. It’s expensive, and let’s be real, it’s always about the cash. 😢

Fair enough. I spent about two years in psychoanalysis with this wonderful doctor who's retired now. But get this: she never even brought up schizophrenia as a possibility for me; instead, she was essentially misdiagnosing me with depression. So, the whole process didn't really "cure" anything for me. In fact, digging through the past actually ended up hurting my relationship with my father and stepmother, who were the ones who raised me since my mom was sick and the court gave custody to my dad after the divorce.
My mom never remarried; she just sort of withdrew from the world.

I wish I had my own family too, but that feels like a Hollywood movie script if it ever actually happens. I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to build a life given the limitations I'm dealing with.
I was always a reserved kid, though an intelligent one.
It didn't bother me much back then; I was perfectly happy living in my "own little world" and staying tucked away in my shell.
The trouble started when I realized I couldn't live like that forever and wanted to be able to function like everyone else. I just found myself craving socialization, but it just wouldn't happen.
And that's when the psychology, the psychiatry... the whole cycle began.

There are all these online courses and certifications out there, and you can even get legitimate degrees through them. But even that requires money. Yeah, damn it, everything comes down to the money. 😢

To be honest, after ten years of studying, I can't even bring myself to pick up a newspaper anymore. 🤣
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I don't think I could handle more schooling if my life depended on it; academia just isn't my calling.

darksurfer4 said:So, does that mean there’s actually some truth to the idea that people who are naturally gifted in math and physics are more likely to end up dealing with schizophrenia?

That’s not quite right. I’ve heard the myth that people with schizophrenia are all above-average intelligence, which just isn't true either.
Take me, for instance; I have an IQ that's slightly above average, but it honestly didn't amount to much because schizophrenia tends to cancel all that out, and I've really struggled to get ahead in life.
I know plenty of people who aren't nearly as bright as I am but managed to breeze through various college degrees—not necessarily because they were harder workers than I was, since I definitely put in the effort, but simply because they were mentally healthy.
I didn't have to spend a ton of money during my time in university, as professors were pretty accommodating wherever I studied, but at the end of the day, you still have to prove you actually know the material if you want that diploma.
It doesn't matter if you're dealing with a disability, mental illness, or anything else.

I know this might not be a huge deal, but I found this super interesting and thought it’d be fun to toss out there for a little discussion...

Psychotherapy - The School of Life

The whole channel is basically dedicated to these quick, bite-sized educational videos. They dive into everything from specific philosophers to social issues and general psychology.

So, the specific link I shared breaks down how psychotherapy is actually meant for anyone dealing with life's hurdles. For me, the most mind-blowing part was the idea that nobody is born with an instinct for navigating modern civilization... instead, we have to slowly learn and become aware of how all our systems and structures actually work.

It really just comes down to finding ways to bridge those gaps, whatever the struggle may be. Of course, some things you just have to learn to live with, but at the end of the day, the goal is to build a functional life where everyone gets a fair shot—even if we're all fighting our own battles in different ways.

What does a "normal" life actually look like here in America?
Is it that standard blueprint—having your own family, owning a house, driving your own car, and checking off all those boxes with a college degree and a solid career?
Then I take a look at my own reality, feeling pretty isolated and lacking just about everything on that list, while spending my days caring for my sick mother and my exhausted grandmother.
I’m carrying the weight of a traumatic childhood, and honestly, I’ve got a genetic predisposition toward mental health struggles.
There are moments when I feel okay, but those moods tend to crash quite quickly. I feel stuck in this relentless cycle where my failures feed my depression, and that depression just drags me further down, creating more fuel for the next downward spiral.

I mentioned my grandmother earlier. To be blunt, she’s been the core wound in our family ever since the way she brought my mother into this world. She spent her life wandering around without an ounce of responsibility or common sense, acting like a headless chicken, until she finally aged out and drifted back to the very house she was born in.
As for my mother, the family basically pressured her into getting married because she was sickly, and they saw marriage as a way to offload the burden of looking after her. So, she married, had me, and then they divorced after just three years.
My father is one of those workaholics—a talented craftsman, sure, but it’s like he never even lived under our roof because he was never home. And my stepmother... well, she’s a whole other story; she’s become a completely different person now that we kids are grown. It’s just... yeah. 🤦