When is "being polite" just too much?

Sometimes, being a little reserved is actually a huge plus.

People who are way too polite usually have a harder time dealing with those who set boundaries, and they might even end up thinking those people are just being jerks.

Yeah, I'm with you on that 👍. But how do you actually make sense of it? 🤷 Like, why does being overly polite make people so damn twitchy? 😁

See, people who are just way too nice usually have this practiced smile down to a science. It’s almost like they’ve turned politeness into a corporate script, you know? Because of that, they really struggle when they run into someone who sees right through that polished routine and finds it totally grating.

Basically, these overly sweet types can't handle anything unexpected. They really don't mesh well with anyone who thinks outside their little box.

Carl Rivera43 said:See, people who are just way too nice usually have this practiced smile down to a science. It’s almost like they’ve turned politeness into a corporate script, you know? Because of that, they really struggle when they run into someone who sees right through that polished routine and finds it totally grating.

Basically, these overly sweet types can't handle anything unexpected. They really don't mesh well with anyone who thinks outside their little box.

Yeah, true. It’s probably just a desperate need to control how everyone else thinks.
And then when things don't go according to script, or when people aren't falling all over them for being so "nice," they just lose it because their little manipulation tactic failed.

It’s more than just that, though. Sometimes they try way too hard to act overly polite, and honestly? It backfires. It actually ends up breeding rudeness instead.

You see the exact same thing happening with some of those traders on Wall Street, too.

Jerry Ramos90 said:Yeah, true. It’s probably just a desperate need to control how everyone else thinks.
And then when things don't go according to script, or when people aren't falling all over them for being so "nice," they just lose it because their little manipulation tactic failed.

🤣 🙏

We seriously need to start selling t-shirts that say "Fuck being polite." I bet we'd make a killing. 🤣 It's been a minute since I've read such a solid conspiracy theory. 😁

Steven Smith16 said:Well, this is a great topic. I struggle with this constantly!! 😁

Basically, I’m far too helpful and accommodating. I tend to feel bad when I see someone struggling with something that I know I could handle much more easily, so I often just take over. Or if someone lacks a ride and I have my car ready to go, I figure, why not give them a lift? The issue arises once people get used to it. You offer them a finger, and they demand the whole hand. I usually tolerate it for a while, thinking maybe things will improve. They rarely do. Eventually, I just snap, tell them exactly how pathetic they're being, and cut them off.

Most people seem to be this way. Then there are the people I've known for a long time—those I try not to be overly helpful toward, or those I don't know well enough to bother with—who look at me like something is clearly wrong with my head because I occasionally lose it on people. I'll drive a friend somewhere and then end up snapping at them; imagine that. God help me. I honestly can't tell who the crazy one is here.

The other day, I was getting off a subway train and there was an inspector on board. A girl stepped on, and I stood next to her for just a second and whispered that the inspector was there, AND SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS TRASH. As if I had any right to assume she didn't have a pass or wasn't a decent citizen of Washington, D.C.

And whenever I mention that I despise society and people, I'm labeled as conceited. It's probably because people find themselves described in my posts.

It’s like I wrote it myself. Honestly, I’m terrified of helping people. It’s never an issue when I see someone struggling—whether at work or in my personal life, I’ll step up. But then they just start taking you for granted. You end up carrying their weight, too. My own damn flaw is that I don't know how to speak up when something bothers me, or how to cut people off before they exploit me. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding conflict. I know the problem lies with me, and I’m working on it. I’m genuinely exhausted by my own behavior. Now, I’ve completely shut down; I just keep to myself and mind my own business, yet somehow I’m still picking up everyone else's slack at the office. It’s a lack of confidence, plain and simple. We have to build that self-assurance ourselves when it wasn't instilled in us growing up.

Steven Smith16 said:Well, this is a great topic. I struggle with this constantly!! 😁

Basically, I’m far too helpful and accommodating. I tend to feel bad when I see someone struggling with something that I know I could handle much more easily, so I often just take over. Or if someone lacks a ride and I have my car ready to go, I figure, why not give them a lift? The issue arises once people get used to it. You offer them a finger, and they demand the whole hand. I usually tolerate it for a while, thinking maybe things will improve. They rarely do. Eventually, I just snap, tell them exactly how pathetic they're being, and cut them off.

Most people seem to be this way. Then there are the people I've known for a long time—those I try not to be overly helpful toward, or those I don't know well enough to bother with—who look at me like something is clearly wrong with my head because I occasionally lose it on people. I'll drive a friend somewhere and then end up snapping at them; imagine that. God help me. I honestly can't tell who the crazy one is here.

The other day, I was getting off a subway train and there was an inspector on board. A girl stepped on, and I stood next to her for just a second and whispered that the inspector was there, AND SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS TRASH. As if I had any right to assume she didn't have a pass or wasn't a decent citizen of Washington, D.C.

And whenever I mention that I despise society and people, I'm labeled as conceited. It's probably because people find themselves described in my posts.

Yeah, maybe you're actually bothered by your own habit of being too helpful. You probably snapped at the girl you were driving because you didn't actually want to offer that kind of favor, but you've been conditioned to always be "useful." Maybe you're subconsciously chasing validation or approval from others through these favors (though everyone usually knows what's actually driving them deep down).

..your motivation clearly wasn't aligned with what you actually wanted in that moment, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to pick a fight with her... plus, in today's world where everyone is basically out for themselves, it's become weird when someone offers you a ride or tries to start a conversation on a bus... people have become so isolated that a stranger trying to talk to you feels suspicious (like, what does she want from me???!!)... anyway, great topic!👍

Jerry Ramos90 said:Yeah, true. It’s probably just a desperate need to control how everyone else thinks.
And then when things don't go according to script, or when people aren't falling all over them for being so "nice," they just lose it because their little manipulation tactic failed.

Exactly. It's true... there are likely some serious personality disorders at play here.😉

Forced small talk and that fake enthusiasm people pull during conversations is just... ugh. It totally gets under my skin—honestly, it usually just makes me want to shut down completely.😈

Nancy Doyle52 said:Forced small talk and that fake enthusiasm people pull during conversations is just... ugh. It totally gets under my skin—honestly, it usually just makes me want to shut down completely.😈

That’s just how people are wired, isn't it? Once those habits set in, they really dig their heels in. It's tough to get someone to change when that's just who they've always been. You can try, but can you really fight nature? Probably not.

Besides, let's be honest—most of those people who force a laugh like that are really just fishing for attention, aren't they?

One needs to distinguish between being polite and being a pushover. People who take offense at simple kindness are likely just closeted masochists. Honestly, they’d probably feel more comfortable sitting next to someone rude and arrogant who rolls their eyes at them...
Cohesion and politeness are two entirely different traits, and they certainly aren't mutually exclusive... It just seems that in today's world, if you're actually polite, people assume you're weak.

And going back to the start of the post... just because someone claims to be an expert at reading people doesn't mean they're sane, let alone that their judgment should be taken as gospel.

Come on, Ma, are we really calling this some kind of closeted masochism now?

You're just making broad generalizations without any actual proof to back them up.

It simply doesn't ring true, nor does it hold any logical weight, to suggest that every exceptionally polite individual is someone to be avoided at all costs—as if an abundance of kindness were somehow a red flag for "deceitfulness" or a "snake in the grass."

Just as there are people whose warmth is deeply sincere, there are certainly those who use politeness as a hollow facade.

To draw an analogy, we see individuals who appear aggressive or standoffish upon first meeting—perhaps masking deep-seated anxiety or mistrust despite having a good heart—but then again, some people are just genuinely abrasive through and through.

Furthermore, being reserved or restrained isn't an automatic guarantee of underlying depth or quality. In many cases, if you peel back that layer of restraint, you might find nothing but a cluttered mess of mental noise.

Ultimately, when someone attempts to perform a character analysis based on the sweeping generalization that "all overly polite people should be shunned," they are demonstrating a somewhat immature perspective on human interaction. This way of viewing the world says far more about their own lack of nuance than it does about the group of polite people they are judging.

Personally, I will always vote for kindness, even when it feels excessive. I truly will. After all, we already live in a world that is far too crowded with people who are downright obnoxious to others under the convenient guise of "I'm just being brutally honest."

Carl Rivera43 said:Come on, Ma, are we really calling this some kind of closeted masochism now?

You're just making broad generalizations without any actual proof to back them up.

Why on earth would anyone sane be bothered by another person—especially someone kind? Isn't it actually those people who find kindness irritating that are the ones doing the generalizing?

The whole point of society is learning how to coexist through socialization... You don't have to be best friends with everyone. Has it really come to this, where being a decent person is framed in such a negative light?

A civilized, well-adjusted individual certainly isn't put off by a polite person (and by that, I mean someone moderate, warm, and sincere)...

Some people are just wired that way from the jump—you can actually tell who is just putting on an act and who has that genuine warmth baked right into their DNA.
Certain folks have to be aggressively polite because of the jobs they hold—and honestly, it’s exhausting! Between the forced enthusiasm and those plastic, plastered-on smiles, it can be a total nerve-wracking experience.
Now, don't get me wrong, being kind is perfectly fine, provided it stays within reasonable boundaries and fits the situation. I know this one guy who is just naturally courteous—it doesn't feel forced at all, simply because it's his baseline personality.
I think the author really needs to clarify what they mean by "excessive" politeness, though. What feels over-the-top to one person might just seem like standard, everyday courtesy to someone else (for instance,
people working in the service industry)

I’d much rather deal with a blunt construction worker who tells it like it is than some doctor with a fake, plastic smile.

Look, being polite is fine for the most part. It keeps things civil. But honestly? I actually prefer someone just being neutral.

Being overly sweet is almost always a performance. It's rare to see it actually come from the heart, and I know plenty of people who feel the exact same way.

Plus—and I'm not saying everyone does this—but a lot of those "super nice" types end up dumping all their pent-up frustration on whoever is nearby. Their moods can flip in a heartbeat.

Me and a coworker are dealing with one of those types right now.
I can't stand her.
Honestly, nobody can.
It’s obvious she was raised with zero manners, combined with this desperate, exhausting need to be liked by everyone.

I just can't deal with it. 🤷

I honestly feel like a lot of people in this thread are conflating being polite with being pushy, but those two things are worlds apart. Being intrusive is a completely different beast altogether. I actually dealt with a situation like this once where someone kept trying to force a new career path on me; I explained, over and over again, that I already had a job and was perfectly happy where I was, but they just wouldn't listen. No matter how many times I said no, they were hell-bent on "finding me a better position" within their own company.🙄