Help! Does anyone know why they're acting like this?

Look, I honestly have no idea who her doctor is or how I’m even supposed to get in touch with them since I don't know this city at all; I moved away when I was just a kid and only make it back once a year for about a week, while everyone else stays put and seemingly refuses to lift a finger... I really believed that my coming to visit would make a difference, but now it feels like things might actually be getting worse for her. She has such a massive family, with children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, yet no one seems to be making an effort to help her, or even bother visiting her, whereas I—living 311 miles far away from here while everyone else is right next door—am the only one who has actually tried to do something, which meant posting a question here anonymously just to get some clarity on what we need to do, because when I first arrived, I was completely blindsided by shock and disbelief, and frankly, I just had no clue what was happening

In any case, I really appreciate the advice; I'll pass this along to the rest of the group and hopefully someone will actually step up and do something about it..

Sure, you really ought to be talking to the people who deal with her day-to-day. It’s just common sense. If they prefer different options—since everyone has their own way of doing things—they could always consult a private psychiatrist. Or at least let you know who her primary doctor is. Look, if things escalate—if she starts wandering off, attempts suicide, lashes out at someone, or starts openly hallucinating (which can get dangerous, like leaving the stove on or falling through a window...) or whatever else comes to mind—you can always call 911. They’ll decide then whether to take her to the hospital for an evaluation or just provide some medication and advice to the family on how to handle things at home. You can also have a family doctor come by for a house call to do something similar. That doesn't necessarily require a full-blown emergency; sometimes what's happening right now is enough.

Well, good luck! Honestly, though, it’s going to be a grind. Nobody ever promised this would be easy. Just... let's hope it doesn't get any more complicated than it already is. That's about it.

John Nguyen3 said:My grandmother went through the same thing 😢 seeing people staring at her, calling her name, cars passing by... it was just too much for her.

I’ve always had this theory that when people are hovering near the end, they’re essentially standing on the threshold between this world and whatever comes next. It makes sense that they might actually see loved ones who have already passed, just waiting for them on the other side.

I’m a firm believer in Occam’s razor—the simplest explanation is usually the right one. And honestly? Loneliness is just a plain, simple fact of life these days.

🙂🙂

Walter Evans3 said:I wanted to check in with an update—for the last few days, we’ve mostly been pretending everything is fine, or at least I have been since I’ve been by her side 24/7, which is honestly starting to wear me down. She’s been claiming there are listening devices hidden all over her apartment and that he can hear everything—could this be schizophrenia? She eventually gave me a full name for this man, and when I brought it up to my mother, she told me the man actually passed away six years ago. Apparently, he had asked her to marry him about ten years ago, but she turned him down back then because she felt he was just trying to exploit her—his plan was to move into her place, sell his own house, and hand all the cash over to his kids. Now, though, she insists he is a wonderful person.
To make a long story short, she barely mentioned him on Wednesday or Thursday, so I thought she was finally calming down, but then Friday hit like a ton of bricks. Out of nowhere, she starts planning to buy rings, booking a venue, and even calling a cousin—who had absolutely no idea what was happening—to drive them around to get everything done. When I tried to step in and tell her not to waste money like this, she got upset and spent the rest of the day in tears, though I didn't have the heart to tell her that the man isn't even alive. When she woke up Saturday morning and told her aunt, who lives with us, things really boiled over. Her aunt wasn't screaming, but she was speaking with this frantic, nervous energy, trying to explain that this man doesn't exist and that she’s just driving everyone crazy. That caused her to break down, and things were quiet until this morning, when she snapped that she doesn't care if we don't want her to marry him; she’s going to do it regardless. Now, we’re starting to fear that this whole "wedding" obsession might have nothing to do with his death. 😢 😢 😢 😢 By the way, she isn't sleeping at all, she's hardly eating, and she's already lost about nine pounds. And when we suggested that maybe it’s time to go talk to a professional, she just looked at us like we were the ones losing our minds. 😳/

My grandfather went through something similar. Right before he passed, he would hold conversations with family members who had died years ago and would play with a cat that had passed away three decades prior. 😢
When he lost the ability to speak, he would just stare out the window and point toward it, telling us where to look. 🙂
I truly hope your grandmother finds some peace. Just try not to argue with her about whether he exists, because that might only make things more difficult for her.
Take care 😘 👋

What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

Drew Morgan said:Honestly, what’s the endgame here? Is she actually going to see a specialist? Does anyone truly believe a doctor can just fix her?

They could always prescribe something stronger to see if she snaps out of it, though I doubt it.
In my view, the family needs to spend more quality time with her. They should focus on her, not on this imaginary friend she's talking to—giving in to that just pulls her further from reality. If being present doesn't help, then we're looking at a medical issue that requires professional treatment. At that point, you take her to the doctor.

Matthew Castillo5 said:I’ve always had this theory that when people are hovering near the end, they’re essentially standing on the threshold between this world and whatever comes next. It makes sense that they might actually see loved ones who have already passed, just waiting for them on the other side.

It happens far too consistently for that theory to be anything but likely.

Megan Davis62 said:They could always prescribe something stronger to see if she snaps out of it, though I doubt it.
In my view, the family needs to spend more quality time with her. They should focus on her, not on this imaginary friend she's talking to—giving in to that just pulls her further from reality. If being present doesn't help, then we're looking at a medical issue that requires professional treatment. At that point, you take her to the doctor.

It’s clear the grandmother has decided to just blow through her savings. This isn't just vanity; it's reckless financial destruction.

In the States, people handle this by putting seniors in assisted living where things move quickly. 😢 In this specific case, you might even need more forceful intervention since the grandmother refuses to cooperate. From her perspective, she's the only sane one left.

The hospital isn't an option, period. My entire family is on the same page about that because we all know how those places operate—you either lose your mind entirely or you just wither away from pure heartbreak. Last night, she finally had it with him and laid down the law: if he won't come to her, she’s done talking to him and done seeing him altogether. She hasn't said a word to him since, which is unusual considering she’s usually up and running by 7:00 AM sharp. Does this mean he might actually change his ways on his own, or am I just kidding myself? 😢

Walter Evans3 said:What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

I mean, she likely has medications or needs to check her blood pressure or something similar anyway. It makes sense for a doctor to swing by for a general checkup and just chat with her and the family while they're at it. For instance...

Walter Evans3 said:The hospital isn't an option, period. My entire family is on the same page about that because we all know how those places operate—you either lose your mind entirely or you just wither away from pure heartbreak. Last night, she finally had it with him and laid down the law: if he won't come to her, she’s done talking to him and done seeing him altogether. She hasn't said a word to him since, which is unusual considering she’s usually up and running by 7:00 AM sharp. Does this mean he might actually change his ways on his own, or am I just kidding myself? 😢

Who knows what that actually means for her. But I doubt it's that simple.

She refuses to take anything besides her blood pressure medication... she won't touch a single other pill, even when she’s clearly in pain. We actually made an agreement to go see her doctor first without her—just to sit down and explain the situation—and then we'll bring her in under the guise of a routine checkup for her "medication."
It hasn't stopped... today feels like we're right back at square one. 😢

It is quite difficult for me to even read this—I spent years navigating a very similar situation myself (though, in my case, it wasn't my grandmother getting married)—but looking back twenty years, she was essentially living inside a horror movie. She would constantly claim people were poisoning her, or that a neighbor was sneaking through the ceiling at night to prick her with needles and steal her blood... she even called the police at 4:00 AM over things like that. The truth is, there is simply no way to reason with someone in that state. They live within that reality; it is their entire world. Any attempt to "talk sense" into them is futile and usually ends poorly. Imagine if someone tried to force you to believe something that had absolutely no connection to your actual life—that is how they feel. It is their absolute truth.
Help?
I remember calling emergency services around 1:00 AM for an entirely different issue—heart palpitations and high blood pressure—and the dispatcher asked me how old my grandmother was. I told her she was 82 at the time, and they just didn't come. They call it "triage." In my experience, triage felt like a way to deny help to the elderly. Because she was too old, they decided she wasn't worth the trip or the medication. When I finally drove her to the Mayo Clinic myself, the attending physician actually told me that next time I should just call a taxi, because the ambulance won't come for seniors 😢.
Psychiatric wards are a nightmare. Oh, yes, we went through all of that too. But it happened because my grandmother left the gas running, which could have blown up the entire building... so she had to be admitted. They gave her medications—heavy sedatives and God knows what else—that left her completely limp. Every single muscle failed. She couldn't move, ended up in diapers, couldn't eat or drink, couldn't even hold her mouth shut; she was just constant drool. I had to find an urgent way to save her from that. My employer—my boss, specifically—wasn't particularly sympathetic to the situation, so the whole ordeal was pure agony. I couldn't just walk out of work; if I did, there would be drama and resentment... and so on. And she only had me.
Moving forward—most assisted living facilities don't accept patients with psychotic symptoms. If they do, it is significantly more expensive... but I eventually found one where she actually recovered. She started eating again, stopped needing diapers, and even began communicating a little. She made a friend, and those episodes of terrifying delusions seemed to thin out—though whether she was hiding them or they truly subsided, I honestly don't know. No one can truly know what goes on inside their heads. But I wanted to mention this because I used to think nursing homes were a catastrophe. I thought they were a living misery and a final destination. But there are genuinely good ones out there. Yes, they are pricey. But they are worth every penny. She received her heart and blood pressure medication regularly, which she used to forget to take; everything was kept clean and laundered; she had nutritious meals; she had doctors visiting her; she even had a hairdresser and a young nurse who would do her nails and was just so, so kind... I used to do all of that myself, so I was genuinely surprised when I walked in one day and saw that young nurse pampering my grandmother—and she was actually enjoying it 🙂....
Unfortunately, though, a facility was our only option. I was working late every single day and had a child in daycare, then later in school—leaving her home alone... which isn't a solution. She wouldn't allow any home health aides or anyone else into the house except me. That was non-negotiable. It really depends on what a family's resources are—can someone stay with her constantly so she isn't alone? Can the family handle it if things take a turn for the worse? There are incredibly dark phases, and if a patient doesn't tolerate sedatives like mine didn't—or any medication at all—then things get ugly. I don't want to scare anyone. In the end, she wasn't really my grandmother anymore. Sometimes she only resembled her. Everything changed. Drastically. But she lived that way for another 11 years. I ended up on sedatives myself because I couldn't bear the weight of it all; it was horrific, yet I had to remain composed for the sake of my child and my job... after visiting her at the facility, I would sit in my car and just weep, unable to drive myself home. I was the one suffering through all of it. And I couldn't escape into a world where none of this existed. I couldn't bring her back... she left us long before her actual passing. I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, but... if you need to talk, please feel free to send me a private message. It was terrifying—and even now, five years after she passed, it still feels terrifying. I can't forget, and I never will... and the worst part was, she wouldn't cooperate with the doctors, and when she finally had to go, the doctors all turned on me—asking why I waited so long and why I hadn't brought her in sooner. How on earth? By force???? Well... there is no other way but to survive it alongside them. Some people are stronger, less emotional, perhaps more rational—so they handle it better. Others will carry it with them for the rest of their lives (just like I am...😢)
Good luck out there. Make sure you arm yourselves with every ounce of love you can muster from within, and pair that with all the patience you can possibly find... and please, don't leave her standing alone. That could get dangerous.

Walter Evans3 said:What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

Who says the doctor actually has to introduce himself as a doctor?
If you bring in a psychiatrist, they’ve seen this movie before. They know how to handle difficult patients. They can spin a narrative on the fly—say, the doctor is just a cousin or the son of the grandmother's fiancé, dropping by to chat about wedding details or some other triviality. Listen, these professionals have dealt with every kind of eccentricity under the sun. They can gain access to the patient through a fabricated story that the rest of the family hasn't thought of. A few targeted questions and observing her behavior will tell them everything they need to know. It all comes down to whether you actually have the stomach to help her.

briskrider7 said:It is quite difficult for me to even read this—I spent years navigating a very similar situation myself (though, in my case, it wasn't my grandmother getting married)—but looking back twenty years, she was essentially living inside a horror movie. She would constantly claim people were poisoning her, or that a neighbor was sneaking through the ceiling at night to prick her with needles and steal her blood... she even called the police at 4:00 AM over things like that. The truth is, there is simply no way to reason with someone in that state. They live within that reality; it is their entire world. Any attempt to "talk sense" into them is futile and usually ends poorly. Imagine if someone tried to force you to believe something that had absolutely no connection to your actual life—that is how they feel. It is their absolute truth.
Help?
I remember calling emergency services around 1:00 AM for an entirely different issue—heart palpitations and high blood pressure—and the dispatcher asked me how old my grandmother was. I told her she was 82 at the time, and they just didn't come. They call it "triage." In my experience, triage felt like a way to deny help to the elderly. Because she was too old, they decided she wasn't worth the trip or the medication. When I finally drove her to the Mayo Clinic myself, the attending physician actually told me that next time I should just call a taxi, because the ambulance won't come for seniors 😢.
Psychiatric wards are a nightmare. Oh, yes, we went through all of that too. But it happened because my grandmother left the gas running, which could have blown up the entire building... so she had to be admitted. They gave her medications—heavy sedatives and God knows what else—that left her completely limp. Every single muscle failed. She couldn't move, ended up in diapers, couldn't eat or drink, couldn't even hold her mouth shut; she was just constant drool. I had to find an urgent way to save her from that. My employer—my boss, specifically—wasn't particularly sympathetic to the situation, so the whole ordeal was pure agony. I couldn't just walk out of work; if I did, there would be drama and resentment... and so on. And she only had me.
Moving forward—most assisted living facilities don't accept patients with psychotic symptoms. If they do, it is significantly more expensive... but I eventually found one where she actually recovered. She started eating again, stopped needing diapers, and even began communicating a little. She made a friend, and those episodes of terrifying delusions seemed to thin out—though whether she was hiding them or they truly subsided, I honestly don't know. No one can truly know what goes on inside their heads. But I wanted to mention this because I used to think nursing homes were a catastrophe. I thought they were a living misery and a final destination. But there are genuinely good ones out there. Yes, they are pricey. But they are worth every penny. She received her heart and blood pressure medication regularly, which she used to forget to take; everything was kept clean and laundered; she had nutritious meals; she had doctors visiting her; she even had a hairdresser and a young nurse who would do her nails and was just so, so kind... I used to do all of that myself, so I was genuinely surprised when I walked in one day and saw that young nurse pampering my grandmother—and she was actually enjoying it 🙂....
Unfortunately, though, a facility was our only option. I was working late every single day and had a child in daycare, then later in school—leaving her home alone... which isn't a solution. She wouldn't allow any home health aides or anyone else into the house except me. That was non-negotiable. It really depends on what a family's resources are—can someone stay with her constantly so she isn't alone? Can the family handle it if things take a turn for the worse? There are incredibly dark phases, and if a patient doesn't tolerate sedatives like mine didn't—or any medication at all—then things get ugly. I don't want to scare anyone. In the end, she wasn't really my grandmother anymore. Sometimes she only resembled her. Everything changed. Drastically. But she lived that way for another 11 years. I ended up on sedatives myself because I couldn't bear the weight of it all; it was horrific, yet I had to remain composed for the sake of my child and my job... after visiting her at the facility, I would sit in my car and just weep, unable to drive myself home. I was the one suffering through all of it. And I couldn't escape into a world where none of this existed. I couldn't bring her back... she left us long before her actual passing. I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, but... if you need to talk, please feel free to send me a private message. It was terrifying—and even now, five years after she passed, it still feels terrifying. I can't forget, and I never will... and the worst part was, she wouldn't cooperate with the doctors, and when she finally had to go, the doctors all turned on me—asking why I waited so long and why I hadn't brought her in sooner. How on earth? By force???? Well... there is no other way but to survive it alongside them. Some people are stronger, less emotional, perhaps more rational—so they handle it better. Others will carry it with them for the rest of their lives (just like I am...😢)
Good luck out there. Make sure you arm yourselves with every ounce of love you can muster from within, and pair that with all the patience you can possibly find... and please, don't leave her standing alone. That could get dangerous.

This is sickening. I am honestly speechless.😢
It was a similar story with my grandfather. He passed away at 78, having battled colon cancer. But the issue was the same: the hospital refused to keep him admitted. It was always that classic, infuriating line: "How are we supposed to help you? I'm not a doctor!" 😠 What happened to the promise that healthcare is for everyone, regardless of age, gender, job, or race? Does it mean once you hit 60, you might as well just give up so you aren't accidentally wasting oxygen, water, food, or medicine? 😠😠😠

Walter Evans3 said:I wanted to check in with an update—for the last few days, we’ve mostly been pretending everything is fine, or at least I have been since I’ve been by her side 24/7, which is honestly starting to wear me down. She’s been claiming there are listening devices hidden all over her apartment and that he can hear everything—could this be schizophrenia? She eventually gave me a full name for this man, and when I brought it up to my mother, she told me the man actually passed away six years ago. Apparently, he had asked her to marry him about ten years ago, but she turned him down back then because she felt he was just trying to exploit her—his plan was to move into her place, sell his own house, and hand all the cash over to his kids. Now, though, she insists he is a wonderful person.
To make a long story short, she barely mentioned him on Wednesday or Thursday, so I thought she was finally calming down, but then Friday hit like a ton of bricks. Out of nowhere, she starts planning to buy rings, booking a venue, and even calling a cousin—who had absolutely no idea what was happening—to drive them around to get everything done. When I tried to step in and tell her not to waste money like this, she got upset and spent the rest of the day in tears, though I didn't have the heart to tell her that the man isn't even alive. When she woke up Saturday morning and told her aunt, who lives with us, things really boiled over. Her aunt wasn't screaming, but she was speaking with this frantic, nervous energy, trying to explain that this man doesn't exist and that she’s just driving everyone crazy. That caused her to break down, and things were quiet until this morning, when she snapped that she doesn't care if we don't want her to marry him; she’s going to do it regardless. Now, we’re starting to fear that this whole "wedding" obsession might have nothing to do with his death. 😢 😢 😢 😢 By the way, she isn't sleeping at all, she's hardly eating, and she's already lost about nine pounds. And when we suggested that maybe it’s time to go talk to a professional, she just looked at us like we were the ones losing our minds. 😳/

Either I am being a bit dense, but I can conclude one thing: your grandmother was a relatively healthy, vibrant woman at 73 (ten years ago) who was still capable of marrying. Now, please explain this to me based on the bolded part above... how could a man over 70 "take advantage" of an elderly woman if he leaves his own earned home to his descendants, moves into hers, and they simply live off their combined Social Security? That makes no sense to me. In that scenario, he isn't exploiting anyone; he is just securing his children's future. Honestly, I think she has become fixated on this specific situation—this lost opportunity—precisely because she deeply regrets not saying yes. Especially considering the type of daughter she has, whose only interest would be preventing that man from moving in or her mother remarrying.

Walter Evans3 said:What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

There are actually different types of "imaginary companions." One is typical for children, while the other occurs in adults experiencing a near-psychotic state. Why does Grandma talk to him if she can't see him?
It's because "he" isn't just a hallucination; he is a mental construct she built based on memories of someone who was actually real in her life at one point. He looks like that person.
Why does she talk to him, or rather, why does she hear him? Because she has projected her own thoughts, desires, and emotions onto this imaginary figure. In essence, she "hears" exactly what she wants to hear from "him," because that is the entire purpose of this imaginary friend: to act as a separate entity who loves her and truly cares. Just try to imagine being old, lonely, and feeling neglected, unloved, or maybe even rejected.

Walter Evans3 said:What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

There are different types of "imaginary companions." One is typical for children, while another occurs in adults during near-psychotic episodes. Why would her grandmother talk to him but not see him?
It’s because "he" isn't a hallucination. He is a mental construct built from memories of someone who was once a real part of her life—someone who looks just like them.
Why does she talk to him, or rather, why does she hear him? It's because she has projected her own thoughts, desires, and emotions onto this imaginary figure. Essentially, she "hears" exactly what she wants to hear, because that is the entire purpose of this imaginary friend. He exists to be a separate person who loves her and truly cares about her. If you imagine being elderly, lonely, and feeling neglected or unloved... nothing here is impossible.