Help! Does anyone know why they're acting like this?

Walter Evans3 said:What exactly should we tell her regarding why the doctor showed up, especially since she’s making it clear she has no interest in hearing from him? It seems she is merely speaking to him—listening to his voice without actually seeing him there... she insists they met once sometime in the past, though she won't say when exactly that was.

There are different types of "imaginary companions." One is typical for children, while the other occurs in adults during a near-psychotic state. Why would the grandmother talk to him if she can't see him?
It is because "he" isn't just a hallucination; he is a mental construct built from her memories of someone who was once a real part of her life. He simply takes on that person's appearance.
Why does she talk to him or hear him? Because she has projected her own thoughts, desires, and emotions onto this imaginary figure. Essentially, she "hears" exactly what she wants to hear from "him," because that is the entire purpose of this imaginary friend:to act as a separate entity who loves herand truly cares for her. If you imagine being old, lonely, and feeling neglected or unloved... well, nothing is impossible.
But I might be wrong.🤷

Walter Evans3 said:Look, I honestly have no idea who her doctor is or how I’m even supposed to get in touch with them since I don't know this city at all; I moved away when I was just a kid and only make it back once a year for about a week, while everyone else stays put and seemingly refuses to lift a finger... I really believed that my coming to visit would make a difference, but now it feels like things might actually be getting worse for her. She has such a massive family, with children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, yet no one seems to be making an effort to help her, or even bother visiting her, whereas I—living 311 miles far away from here while everyone else is right next door—am the only one who has actually tried to do something, which meant posting a question here anonymously just to get some clarity on what we need to do, because when I first arrived, I was completely blindsided by shock and disbelief, and frankly, I just had no clue what was happening

I get the feeling none of you truly care about this elderly woman, though you are still quite pitiable... she’s completely abandoned. I felt that clearly when you wrote, "She has a huge family." There is zero emotional closeness 🙄. Everyone sees how much she's struggling, so it's no wonder no one trusts her. I can only imagine her disappointment... honestly, you don't even call her "my grandmother." Plus, what is that famous daughter living in the apartment with her actually doing? It feels like she'd rather the woman pass away or lose her mind entirely so she could be institutionalized... good grief, the neglect is staggering...
I think the best thing for Grandma would be to sell that apartment and secure a spot in a decent assisted living facility. At least there she'll have people her own age to talk to and can actually live out her remaining years with some dignity...

QUOTE=Goldie Hawn

Based on everything you’ve mentioned regarding your grandmother—and I mean *everything*—it sounds like she’s likely dealing with some form of progressive neurodegenerative dementia.
We can't exactly rule out Alzheimer's, either.
Look, a general practitioner isn't going to give you a reliable diagnosis here; they simply aren't equipped for this level of complexity.
And for heaven's sake, do not start giving her any medications unless they have been specifically prescribed by a specialist.
That's why I'd suggest ignoring most of the "advice" you're getting from people on this forum regarding her treatment.
But make no mistake—someone needs to step up, get her to a doctor for actual testing, and take over her care.

Walter Evans3 said:So, my 83-year-old grandmother—who has always been incredibly sharp and well-read—has recently started acting quite strangely. She lives with her daughter, who works long hours and is rarely home, while the rest of the family only drops by once a week for short visits, so she spends a lot of time alone. Now we’re facing a real crisis because she suddenly announced to everyone that she’s getting married, which came as a massive shock to the whole family. She’s started going out and staying away from the house for an hour or two at a time, and we were all convinced she was out with this supposed fiancé, but then we discovered that he doesn't actually exist!!! She has begun inventing all sorts of things; she wanders off, stays out late, talks to herself on the street or in the house, and at night she'll lie in bed laughing, talking, or crying. She often holds her hand up to her ear and insists that we just can't see the receiver, claiming it’s a "military" earpiece that only she and her "boyfriend" can perceive... if anyone suggests she's just talking to herself, she gets defensive and laughs it off as if it isn't true. I tried a different approach once—when she said this person wanted to meet me, I told her I was ready, but when I actually got dressed, she told me "he" couldn't make it. Essentially, we've all come to the conclusion that this is like an imaginary friend for a child, but nobody knows how to handle it or how to talk to her about it. As her granddaughter, this is especially painful because, I have to emphasize, she was always such an intelligent, educated woman, and I never expected this to happen; plus, she is putting herself in danger by walking around at night, especially since her vision isn't what it used to be. We don't live close by, so unfortunately I can only visit a few times a year, but she always used to look forward to seeing me; now, she can hardly wait to lock herself in her room to talk to this imaginary person... I am deeply worried about her, and if anyone knows what kind of condition this might be, please help me... thank you in advance!

It's obvious here. She has built an entire imaginary world where she feels happy, and you all are seen as outside intruders threatening her peace...
Maybe try finding a really "empathetic" therapist to bring to the house, otherwise, she might turn aggressive... you're "threatening her world."
Then perhaps a neurologist.

Sarah Rodriguez4 said:😢 me too, I just remembered my own grandmother... She was also pretty lonely, and suddenly this hit her hard. We took her to doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists—you name it—and nobody could tell us anything; they all insisted she was perfectly fine and healthy for her age. Then she turned aggressive, so they put her on some sedatives, but they still maintained nothing was wrong. Meanwhile, she was seeing her late sisters, brothers, her son, even her old childhood hometown. She lost track of whether it was day or night, stopped sleeping, and would wander aimlessly around town picking flowers, leaving us frantic trying to find her. It was just pure chaos. In the end, after two years of that struggle, she passed away. Ten days before she died, she was admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week, and when she came out, she was basically a shell of herself. She passed shortly after. To this day, we still don't know exactly what happened to her 😢

I honestly don't know what to say to you. I really hope your grandmother gets better and that someone can provide the help she needs. Hang in there—don't give up on her 😘

What happened with us was almost identical to what you're going through. My grandmother passed away the exact same way. The only difference was that she ended up dying in a psychiatric facility. 😢
I guess I still haven't truly processed that last part.

Drew Morgan said:So, you're admitting they exist in Alzheimer's patients after all? Look at how they "treated" my friend's grandmother for neurological issues at the local VA hospital—they practically kept her strapped to a bed. A close acquaintance told me about her grandmother, who was battling cancer but remained completely lucid. One time, she showed a bit of her old-school grit and temper, and they immediately pumped her full of Haldol! They hit her with antipsychotics that were strictly contraindicated because of her heart condition. She believes those doctors at the geriatric ward essentially killed her.

They tied my grandmother down and drugged her with Haldol.
It happened at the psychiatric facility near Jankomir, if I recall correctly... she was in some kind of deep depression.
(If necessary, I can provide my full legal name and sign whatever is required.)
She was so heavily sedated she couldn't eat enough, so she wasted away in what felt like a heartbeat.
She developed pressure sores from being strapped to the bed,
and she passed away within forty days.
Without a shred of human dignity.
Without any loved one there to hold her hand.
Without a priest.

4 0 D A Y S !!!
That is more than enough time to break a human life.
(I honestly find it strange how journalists often pull their inspiration from forums, yet nobody ever seems to write anything about the inhumane conditions in these psychiatric institutions.)

And the conditions they kept her in (and yes, I say "kept," because she was treated worse than a prisoner): any sane person would lose their mind if they were placed in a spot like that.

I wonder why I, as her granddaughter, didn't have a say, even though I was right there alongside her son, my uncle.
Because if I could have, I would have pulled her out of there.
But they wouldn't let me.
The only thing I could have done was snatch her away myself.
And now, I suppose, I regret that I didn't, because that might have been the only way.

Adam Miller46 said:This really does sound like an imaginary friend from childhood. My thought is that, given what was mentioned above, Grandma likely knows he isn't real, but creating him makes it easier to deal with the loneliness... and she simply doesn't want to let go, because honestly, what else is she getting in return??? Almost zero attention from the family, which isn't pleasant, and she probably feels unloved or left out... besides, if someone is highly intelligent and imaginative, they can't just flip a switch and turn their brain off to become a vegetable... instead of treating her like some freak who needs to be analyzed, maybe it wouldn't hurt to communicate with her more, so she sees she can get love and support in reality and doesn't have to seek it in her imagination...
I heard a story once about a gentleman who would walk or sit on a park bench every single day with his wife. Their conversations were lively and very intelligent... there was just one issue: the wife was invisible, meaning she had passed away a long time ago. But that didn't stop him from keeping her alive within himself... people would wonder who he was talking to, but when they spoke to him, he would respond quite intelligently; he didn't sound like a schizophrenic talking to a ghost... I suspect his imagination is exactly what keeps him going. Sometimes people feel so miserable and lonely that they'd rather end it all, and a psychiatrist once noted that what looks like psychosis to outsiders is often the final defense mechanism a personality uses to prevent suicide. So, just let Grandma have her joy, if you aren't able to fully replace it....

🙏 🙏

Drew Morgan said:Nobody said there were any signs of suicidal tendencies. But fine—theoretically, anything is possible. Even if hospitalization prevents her from taking her own life, she'll likely end up dead anyway. I don't know, maybe there's some high-end sanatorium in Switzerland costing over $1,000 a day that could change the outcome, but within our current system? I doubt it. I'm talking about psychiatric or geriatric wards here. Maybe an internal medicine ward is different. Who knows...

What really gets to me is how this kind of systemic failure is just accepted as "normal"

To me, that is the ultimate tragedy.
It’s also probably why nothing has changed regarding this issue for years now.

A TOTAL SYSTEMIC FAILURE! ! !

Drew Morgan said:It’s clear the grandmother has decided to just blow through her savings. This isn't just vanity; it's reckless financial destruction.

In the States, people handle this by putting seniors in assisted living where things move quickly. 😢 In this specific case, you might even need more forceful intervention since the grandmother refuses to cooperate. From her perspective, she's the only sane one left.

See, that is exactly what happened to my grandmother:
it wasn't "just" the illness that took her
nor was it "just" the state of the mental health facilities here in America
it was a combination of both, coupled with a lack of real support and genuine care from her own family

I work in healthcare myself
and when I was washing that body, it spoke to me
it spoke louder than any book ever could about what they did to him
and everything he had been subjected to during those last 40 days of his life

that kind of thing... you don't just move past it.

It’s no secret that our healthcare system is struggling, and geriatric care is one of the biggest gaps in the coverage. That said, things might actually start looking up once we align our standards with the USA. We should see a dedicated geriatrics specialization introduced soon—likely within the next couple of years.

Keith Jones76 said:It’s no secret that our healthcare system is struggling, and geriatric care is one of the biggest gaps in the coverage. That said, things might actually start looking up once we align our standards with the USA. We should see a dedicated geriatrics specialization introduced soon—likely within the next couple of years.

Geriatrics isn't the only issue here.
The real problem is the lack of "awareness" at a national level.
The US doesn't seem to put any effort into raising awareness about the elderly and what they actually need.
Government agencies just aren't coordinated.

To give you a specific example, one of the rotations I had to complete during my training over in the Netherlands was in psychiatry—specifically geriatric intake.
I honestly wouldn't have believed the types of cases that were coming in and how they were being handled.
I have nothing but the most exhausted thoughts on it.

When I went to see her, it was heartbreaking.
In this overcrowded ward full of "delusional ghosts," in rooms packed to capacity with agitated patients who couldn't stay still.
It was a total shock to my system.

And for her... well,
they told me about her so vividly it was hard to swallow.
(And why did they pump her full of Haldol? Because she kept screaming, "Where are they?!", just pure paranoia.)
She couldn't eat, and heaven forbid they would try to tube-feed her, considering they had already brought her to this state. 🙄

I didn't even have the right to take her anywhere or do anything.
And where would I have taken her? In the country where I was working, not a single insurance provider wanted to accept an elderly woman in her condition.
By the time I managed to process everything, she had already passed away.

The lack of support from her own family was also devastating.
They dragged their feet on getting her into an assisted living facility (mostly just to avoid paying for it themselves) 😠 until the very last second.
They even refused to let me sign off stating that I would be her primary caregiver and cover all costs myself—just so she wouldn't try to claim her fair share of an inheritance later on, I guess. 🙄
Then, when things finally reached a breaking point, she was no longer capable of adapting to any kind of residential home; it was a straight line to the psychiatric ward.
As her grandchild, nobody would even listen to me, let alone take my concerns seriously, even though her own son was right there.
Everyone either acted like they didn't know what was happening or was completely oblivious to how dire the situation really was.

And honestly? Social services haven't given a damn about me either, not even a little bit.

Social services are just another part of the general American geriatric absurdity

I'm not looking to play defense for anyone, but I'm not throwing accusations around either...
Just a thought...

It feels like we rarely actually understand the elderly.
Personally, until recently, I didn't have a clue what aging really meant.
I just didn't get it. I hadn't seen it. I didn't have much proximity or any real reason to care.
You need to spend significant time with an older person
to truly grasp the nuances involved.
Especially if they're the reserved type.
Almost everyone is more fragile, more exhausted, more prone to illness, or more anxious...
Even when they won't admit it.

I'm not sure how things work elsewhere, though... yeah.

In Japan, there's one day a year dedicated to the elderly—it's basically a national holiday.
It’s a day for visiting them; even TV networks feature them on air.
(They mostly focus on the very old, obviously.)

Maybe that’s a solid way to raise awareness about the special attention seniors need?
Show up on a designated day when everything is prepared,
spend some quality time together, reflect...
And then be better equipped for the harder conversations during the rest of the year.

Yeah, society is a mess right now. So what's the move? We *are* that society. Honestly, how many of us have actually stepped up to fix any of the issues we complain about? Exactly—zero. It’s not like some aliens are going to drop from the sky and fix everything for us. And sitting here behind a screen on a forum? That doesn't count either, and yeah, I'm guilty of that too. Let's just face facts and take some damn responsibility.

It’s incredibly easy to be "all for" something when you assume someone else is going to do all the heavy lifting. Then everyone just waits around for a miracle. People get worked up, screaming on internet forums because they think their mere opinion entitles them to instant results. It’s delusional. You see these "ideologues" everywhere—plenty of talkers, but nobody wants to actually put in the work unless they get to audit everyone else's privileges first. The second you try to organize an actual project or build something real, those "visionaries" vanish into thin air. One person can't carry the whole world on their back; I know that from experience. So, who exactly are we all waiting for?

...
I've got work to do.

Keith Jones76 said:Yeah, society is a mess right now. So what's the move? We *are* that society. Honestly, how many of us have actually stepped up to fix any of the issues we complain about? Exactly—zero. It’s not like some aliens are going to drop from the sky and fix everything for us. And sitting here behind a screen on a forum? That doesn't count either, and yeah, I'm guilty of that too. Let's just face facts and take some damn responsibility.

It’s incredibly easy to be "all for" something when you assume someone else is going to do all the heavy lifting. Then everyone just waits around for a miracle. People get worked up, screaming on internet forums because they think their mere opinion entitles them to instant results. It’s delusional. You see these "ideologues" everywhere—plenty of talkers, but nobody wants to actually put in the work unless they get to audit everyone else's privileges first. The second you try to organize an actual project or build something real, those "visionaries" vanish into thin air. One person can't carry the whole world on their back; I know that from experience. So, who exactly are we all waiting for?

...
I've got work to do.

I'm with you on that.

I don't know about you, but I actually have a bit of a roadmap laid out:
Once my kid grows up and hits 18—you know, once they finally move out—I plan on moving back.
In the meantime, I'll need to get my degree officially recognized here in the States, maybe take some extra courses to cover any gaps, stuff like that...
My goal is to open a small, client-centered assisted living facility, something intimate with maybe 14 or 15 residents at most.
I don't want it to be just a job, either; I want it to be a lifestyle—a way of living alongside seniors.
I've already bought the land.
So, really, it’s just a matter of timing and... well, "the right time."
That's pretty much my life's dream, my purpose, my North Star.

....but I suppose everyone needs to start by working on themselves first.🙂

Andrew Barrett4 said:I'm with you on that.

I don't know about you, but I actually have a bit of a roadmap laid out:
Once my kid grows up and hits 18—you know, once they finally move out—I plan on moving back.
In the meantime, I'll need to get my degree officially recognized here in the States, maybe take some extra courses to cover any gaps, stuff like that...
My goal is to open a small, client-centered assisted living facility, something intimate with maybe 14 or 15 residents at most.
I don't want it to be just a job, either; I want it to be a lifestyle—a way of living alongside seniors.
I've already bought the land.
So, really, it’s just a matter of timing and... well, "the right time."
That's pretty much my life's dream, my purpose, my North Star.

....but I suppose everyone needs to start by working on themselves first.🙂

That sounds lovely. Honestly, I think anyone caring for an elderly loved one should approach it with that kind of mindset. In my experience, doctors can sometimes be quite dismissive, and they seem to be prescribing heavy medications to people over 80 all too often—similar to what subabuse is dealing with over in Jankomir. It doesn't feel right, especially for someone who is old and frail, someone who couldn't hurt a fly, let alone anyone else. If they want to talk, you should just talk to them. Be calm, listen to them... even if they are just rambling nonsense, I guess you should just listen patiently and let them settle down. Older people can get a bit lost sometimes, and then out of fear, they might start making things up or forget where they are or who they are with. It isn't necessarily a disease—maybe just senescence or something similar. I think the more gentle, tolerant, and observant you are with an elderly person like that, the better their mental state will be. Especially if they weren't a difficult or unkind person to begin with, as the original poster mentioned, but were actually quite kind and intelligent.😉

Admin, would you mind deleting my duplicate posts under 79 and 80, along with this one? I seem to have posted the exact same thing multiple times. It’s quite embarrassing, really. Thank you. 😁

Matthew Castillo5 said:I’ve always had this theory that when people are hovering near the end, they’re essentially standing on the threshold between this world and whatever comes next. It makes sense that they might actually see loved ones who have already passed, just waiting for them on the other side.

I am totally on board with what you're saying—honestly, I was just about to post that exact thought here! I don't think Grandma is losing her mind at all... she knows exactly what's going on. It's just that she might be getting so close to that "other side" that we can't even perceive it yet since our time hasn't come, so it's just hard for us to wrap our heads around it...

The only thing we really have to watch out for is making sure she doesn't do anything drastic, or try to wander off somewhere by herself...

I really think you should talk to her more about it—about her fiancé and what he’s telling her. Try to get some insight into what those conversations are actually about...

Maybe this marriage really *is* her way of transitioning over to him, to the afterlife. If that’s truly the case... well, it isn't a bad way to go, I mean, at least not for her.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are such a brave, wonderful person for caring for your grandma like this....
Personally, I live with my grandmother, and she’s 74 now....

My grandma is 84 and honestly, she’s sharp as a tack 😉 even if she has had maybe two instances where things got a little fuzzy in her head, though she usually snaps back pretty quickly. I guess older folks are kind of like kids—even the ones who are super healthy and clear-headed. My grandma actually acts like a teenager whenever she’s waiting for a friend to grab coffee with. On the flip side, you see so many seniors lately who seem to lose their grip on reality, and there’s just about nothing you can do about it. I think it's best to just accept how they act as long as they aren't hurting anyone. If she starts talking about an imaginary friend, then let her have one. I totally get why you're shocked, though; you definitely don't expect that kind of thing from your grandma. Personally, I don't really view my grandma as "old" in her head, even if she is getting up there in years. If she suddenly showed up talking about some imaginary buddy, I honestly wouldn't know what to do besides just playing along, you know? As long as she isn't a danger to herself or anyone else, it's fine.