How many misses are going to block you in the next link?

Walter Peterson said:Bad experiences teach us caution, plain and simple. This behavior you described is your defense mechanism; it serves its purpose, but you have to loosen the grip slightly. You need to be willing to open up if you feel someone is worth it, while still maintaining a healthy level of skepticism. Being cold and guarded at all times leads nowhere. One must demonstrate a willingness to give someone a chance... in my experience, people respond much better when approached with positivity and reasonable expectations. It gives even those who might have been problematic in the past a shot at being better. If they mess up after you've shown them kindness—then you simply move on.

Your mind is acting out of pure fear of disappointment. However, you cannot allow that fear to dictate the entirety of your life. It is far worse to suffer through the anticipation of a potential disaster than to actually deal with the reality if it happens.

Perhaps being attracted to the wrong people is itself a defense mechanism: with them, you are certain from the outset that disappointment is coming. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A significant portion of romantic struggles, for both men and women, boils down to flawed selection criteria. People are naturally drawn to those who are exciting, elusive, and unpredictable... since when was anyone ever truly thrilled by the "nice guy"?🙂

As for me, I refuse to let the weight of the past limit, mark, hinder, or sabotage my future. There is no way it will stand in the way of finding the Right One; I won't permit it.🙂

🙏 Props to 👍. Honestly, don't let yourself lose something huge just because you misread someone in the past. If someone hurt you, they don't deserve even a second of your headspace.
I've been wondering about this—I actually asked over on the Samosabotage thread in Lonely Hearts—do you guys engage in Samosabotage when you actually really, really like someone? Or do you just bail right at the start because you simply don't care?
And is this something caused by one specific person, or has it happened with multiple people?

Adam Barrett said:🙏 Props to 👍. Honestly, don't let yourself lose something huge just because you misread someone in the past. If someone hurt you, they don't deserve even a second of your headspace.
I've been wondering about this—I actually asked over on the Samosabotage thread in Lonely Hearts—do you guys engage in Samosabotage when you actually really, really like someone? Or do you just bail right at the start because you simply don't care?
And is this something caused by one specific person, or has it happened with multiple people?

As for me, I tend to force myself into relationships, and they always end up being total disasters where I end up hurting the girl.😢

wiredmoose3 said:Look, Walter Peterson—are you out of your mind?🤣 ...that's really all I have to say to that...🤣
copperfox22, interesting choice of words... though incorrect... it implies that the Real One is somehow flawless—just thinking aloud... I know some psychologists find those kinds of associations fascinating...

Nah, please, he's far from flawless. What are you talking about? He's no Joan of Arc... 🙄

You clearly weren't paying attention in class. Those of us who aren't constantly stressed out don't get this worked up. 🤣
Man, I'm really enjoying this thread I started 😍.. we'll get to everything eventually. 😁

copperfox22 said:This is my first real roadblock. 🙂
I honestly don't know if there are many people out there who would even be willing to deal with my current life situation. Maybe that's already bleeding into how I act without me even realizing it—I might be subconsciously writing people off before they even get a chance.

Maybe that’s the trick. It isn't about lowering your standards, but rather increasing your tolerance.

.

Now, I consider myself pretty damn tolerant. Especially when it comes to the people I actually care about. I’m the type where, if I let you get close, "everything goes"—hyperbole aside, of course. What I mean is, I’m not shallow or half-hearted when it comes to relationships. I either aim for something deep and meaningful, or I don't bother at all.

That's why, when I commit, I go all in.

So now the question is, what happens to those of us who are closer to 30 than 20?

????

Let the smart ones weigh in. 😁

So, what about your... social radius?
What I mean is, how much opportunity do you actually have to meet new potential partners?

I’ve been in love exactly twice in my entire life, and wouldn't you know it, I managed to commit Samosabotage on both occasions. The first time was pure instinct—I actually pushed her away physically when she tried to touch me or lean in for a kiss. With the second one, things were even more pathetic; I acted like an absolute jerk just to create distance, successfully driving her away, and now I’m left sitting here dealing with the fallout and the regret.
It's not just the big relationships, either; I keep doing this same dance with random women I meet along the way. Take this girl I met recently, for instance... I actually liked her. We didn't see or talk to each other for a while, but then we ran into each other out in the world, and she was practically throwing herself at me. Instead of stepping up, I just turned my back and walked away like a coward. Of course, she ended up screaming insults at me after I left.😬
What the hell is actually wrong with us Samosabotage types?

granitefalcon26 said:As for me, I tend to force myself into relationships, and they always end up being total disasters where I end up hurting the girl.😢

Man, looks like she was the one that got you. Try helping yourself by remembering that anyone who doesn't see what's in you is just a complete moron.😍

Quote : Baby blues

granitefalcon26 said:As for me, I tend to force myself into relationships, and they always end up being total disasters where I end up hurting the girl.😢

Self-sabotage is the real issue here. You have to actually want a relationship first, but to want one, you have to stop being terrified of it. And to stop being terrified, you need to realize that failing once, twice, or three times doesn't mean you're destined to fail with everyone forever.

I have a thing for the wounded
I patch them up, and they just skip away into the sunset, all smiles 🙄
That’s how it goes 🤷

copperfox22 said:This is my first real roadblock. 🙂
I honestly don't know if there are many people out there who would even be willing to deal with my current life situation. Maybe that's already bleeding into how I act without me even realizing it—I might be subconsciously writing people off before they even get a chance.

Maybe that’s the trick. It isn't about lowering your standards, but rather increasing your tolerance.

.

Now, I consider myself pretty damn tolerant. Especially when it comes to the people I actually care about. I’m the type where, if I let you get close, "everything goes"—hyperbole aside, of course. What I mean is, I’m not shallow or half-hearted when it comes to relationships. I either aim for something deep and meaningful, or I don't bother at all.

That's why, when I commit, I go all in.

So now the question is, what happens to those of us who are closer to 30 than 20?

????

Let the smart ones weigh in. 😁

Maybe you're just terrified of getting burned again. As soon as you spot a potential problem, you bail. Even if it's something you could actually work through together. You're slamming on the brakes because you're scared?

ruggedfalcon30 said:I’ve been in love exactly twice in my entire life, and wouldn't you know it, I managed to commit Samosabotage on both occasions. The first time was pure instinct—I actually pushed her away physically when she tried to touch me or lean in for a kiss. With the second one, things were even more pathetic; I acted like an absolute jerk just to create distance, successfully driving her away, and now I’m left sitting here dealing with the fallout and the regret.
It's not just the big relationships, either; I keep doing this same dance with random women I meet along the way. Take this girl I met recently, for instance... I actually liked her. We didn't see or talk to each other for a while, but then we ran into each other out in the world, and she was practically throwing herself at me. Instead of stepping up, I just turned my back and walked away like a coward. Of course, she ended up screaming insults at me after I left.😬
What the hell is actually wrong with us Samosabotage types?

People are simply too terrified of living life and dealing with its inevitable downsides.

Walter Peterson said:People are simply too terrified of living life and dealing with its inevitable downsides.

Or maybe some folks actually kind of enjoy the suffering, so they have no real intention of ever finding happiness, I guess.

Arthur Booth96 said:Or maybe some folks actually kind of enjoy the suffering, so they have no real intention of ever finding happiness, I guess.

Then there are the masochists, naturally.

ruggedfalcon30 said:I’ve been in love exactly twice in my entire life, and wouldn't you know it, I managed to commit Samosabotage on both occasions. The first time was pure instinct—I actually pushed her away physically when she tried to touch me or lean in for a kiss. With the second one, things were even more pathetic; I acted like an absolute jerk just to create distance, successfully driving her away, and now I’m left sitting here dealing with the fallout and the regret.
It's not just the big relationships, either; I keep doing this same dance with random women I meet along the way. Take this girl I met recently, for instance... I actually liked her. We didn't see or talk to each other for a while, but then we ran into each other out in the world, and she was practically throwing herself at me. Instead of stepping up, I just turned my back and walked away like a coward. Of course, she ended up screaming insults at me after I left.😬
What the hell is actually wrong with us Samosabotage types?

A) An inability to recognize an opportunity when it presents itself.
B) Psychological inhibition.
C) Pure cowardice.
D) Negative projections.

copperfox22 said:I posted on the sabotage thread thinking I wasn't a saboteur. But maybe I'm just not the obvious type—more like a closeted or half-way one.
It’s not even hard for me to try. Going down that path isn't the issue. It gets messy a little later 🤷...assuming anything actually happens in the first place, since, you know, there are plenty of wrong people out there 🤷

I don't want to get too personal, but my situation is a bit more complicated than most because of how many different things are going on. This whole thing started recently after some fresh experiences, not even actual relationships. That big relationship didn't leave me missing them, but it definitely left some mental scars behind.

Yeah, I get it. 😢 I was waiting to see what everyone else had to say before jumping in (didn't want to 🙂) because, honestly, it seems like all the people I think are self-sabotaging have always ended up hurting just one specific person, so I really wanted to hear your take on that.

northernwolf3 said:So, what about your... social radius?
What I mean is, how much opportunity do you actually have to meet new potential partners?

Well, it isn’t huge, though there’s still some variety, even if everything is pretty much centered around the West Coast. 😁 I don't really meet a ton of new people, but honestly, I'm also starting to feel less interested in doing so. At the same time, I still want that special connection to happen—even if it doesn't last forever, I just want to feel some kind of meaningful spark.🙂

Lawrence Patel9 said:Maybe you're just terrified of getting burned again. As soon as you spot a potential problem, you bail. Even if it's something you could actually work through together. You're slamming on the brakes because you're scared?

There's definitely a lot of that going on. I'm just done with the heartache, the mistakes, and all the wrong turns.

Adam Barrett said:Yeah, I get it. 😢 I was waiting to see what everyone else had to say before jumping in (didn't want to 🙂) because, honestly, it seems like all the people I think are self-sabotaging have always ended up hurting just one specific person, so I really wanted to hear your take on that.

Does the number of people who hurt them actually matter? Is their scar somehow deeper simply because they choose to sabotage themselves?

copperfox22 said:I’m not sure if we’ve covered a topic like this before. If we have, mods, feel free to lock this thread.

After reading through some of the discussions here and doing a bit of my own reflecting, I’ve been thinking about those "ghosts from the past" and how much weight they actually carry for us. Obviously, everyone is different—some of us are tougher, some more sensitive, some more confident—but I think there’s a common thread we can pull on. So, here’s my question: how much are your past romantic failures and poor choices subconsciously (or even consciously) holding you back when you try to move forward?

To kick things off, I’ll be honest about myself. I’ve started wondering if I’m just making excuses under the guise of "life getting in the way," essentially sabotaging my chances at finding a real connection. It’s not that I’m shy or confused about what I want, and I don't really deal with massive complexes (at least nothing that feels like a major issue)... I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and don't always follow social norms, though I wouldn't say I'm a rebel, since I generally fit in just fine with society.

To cut to the chase, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I think I still carry some baggage from my past that’s starting to cause friction. Instead of throwing myself into meeting new people or experiencing new things with an open heart right from the jump, I find myself internally telling myself, "Don't bother, it’ll just be another bust... stay guarded, keep your distance."

I can't tell if my brain is doing this because it genuinely believes I have a knack for picking the wrong people, or if it’s just a defense mechanism—a fear that if I actually dare to trust someone, I’ll just end up disappointed all over again.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if there's a reason I'm perpetually drawn to the wrong crowd. Why does that happen? Because, honestly, the "perfectly stable" types usually don't interest me at all 😕... they're always these eccentric characters, slightly off in one way or another. Now, combined with everything else, it’s creating a total mental block. It’s like the moment I find someone attractive, there's always some glaring, dangerous flaw 😬

Anyway, bottom line: how much are your failed relationships and past mistakes actually messing with your head? 😁

I don't look at them as "fuck-ups"—as if my exes left me with some lingering trauma. They don't affect me one bit. 🤷
I learned what I needed to learn, and that's that. I didn't turn hyper-vigilant, and I didn't become bitter. Everything is fine.

My standards are just different now—or more accurately, I actually have standards, which is a net positive.

copperfox22 said:Well, it isn’t huge, though there’s still some variety, even if everything is pretty much centered around the West Coast. 😁 I don't really meet a ton of new people, but honestly, I'm also starting to feel less interested in doing so. At the same time, I still want that special connection to happen—even if it doesn't last forever, I just want to feel some kind of meaningful spark.🙂

There's definitely a lot of that going on. I'm just done with the heartache, the mistakes, and all the wrong turns.

Does anyone actually want that?

But let’s be honest: you aren't going to achieve anything significant—in any area of life, for that matter—without taking some risks.

Walter Peterson said:Does the number of people who hurt them actually matter? Is their scar somehow deeper simply because they choose to sabotage themselves?

Look, from what I've seen, all the girls I know were wrecked by just one guy. And why does it matter? Because that one guy was the only person they actually loved, so I wanted to see if it played out the same way for everyone else.
Life isn't fair... someone who didn't deserve your love trashes you, so now you go around trashing everyone else..

copperfox22 said:Well, it isn’t huge, though there’s still some variety, even if everything is pretty much centered around the West Coast. 😁 I don't really meet a ton of new people, but honestly, I'm also starting to feel less interested in doing so. At the same time, I still want that special connection to happen—even if it doesn't last forever, I just want to feel some kind of meaningful spark.🙂

There's definitely a lot of that going on. I'm just done with the heartache, the mistakes, and all the wrong turns.

That fear didn't just appear out of thin air—it’s there because certain types of people simply don't fit your life.
At the end of the day, you just have to figure out which of those red flags are grounded in reality and which ones are just irrational anxieties. 🤷