Nobody wants to be alone

Casey Ramos78 MemberOP

19 messages
joined Apr 2009

#1 · Apr 17, 2009

So I was supposed to head downtown today to pick some stuff up—that was the plan, anyway—but then total panic set in. Just this overwhelming dread at the thought of walking through the city streets all by myself again. It drags all those old memories right back to the surface. Honestly, I’ve changed so much lately and I don't feel like that pathetic version of myself anymore, but heading out alone feels like admitting nothing has actually changed. I’m terrified of being alone. Is it just me haunted by the past, or does nobody actually enjoy their own company?

I’ve had these "identity crises"—which is really just code for those moments where it hits you like a freight train that you have absolutely nobody, zero real friends, and you just want to end it all because the loneliness is too much. It hurts. Loneliness is hands down the most painful thing in the world.

A quick thought on everyone else: Why are people so terrified of ending relationships that clearly don't work? They just can't face being alone. That’s my take, anyway. I honestly don't get how some people on this forum could look me in the eye a year ago and say, "Hey, why not just be single? It’s great! You can do this and that!" How can anyone find loneliness "good"? I seriously don't get it, because I can't stand it for another second.

Lately, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not actually alone, so now I'm scared that if I go downtown solo, it'll prove that this whole past year was just a wash. The truth is, I still don't have anyone to go out with, which just confirms I'm still isolated despite all these imaginary friends I've managed to make.

p.s. When I say "downtown," I just mean hitting the mall—there's no other reason I'd be forced to wander around town.

stormyjackal46 Member

44 messages
joined Aug 2009

#2 · Apr 17, 2009

You actually have a point there... people cling to relationships that don't make any sense just because they're terrified of being alone... at least, that was my story...

And honestly, loneliness is probably the absolute worst thing a person can go through.

I don't really have friends... in my actual life, I'm basically invisible... and I don't even have imaginary friends to fall back on...

Personally, I love wandering around the city by myself. Sometimes it's actually great. You get to clear your head, grab some fresh air, and just move at your own pace without anyone slowing you down or rushing you along...
For me, the absolute worst part is when I need to cry but have nobody to talk to... when it hurts inside and there isn't a single soul listening...

But then again, it feels like the whole world is lonely. More or less...

fadedbear92 Veteran

1.1K messages
joined Dec 2008

#3 · Apr 17, 2009

stormyjackal46 said:You actually have a point there... people cling to relationships that don't make any sense just because they're terrified of being alone... at least, that was my story...

And honestly, loneliness is probably the absolute worst thing a person can go through.

I don't really have friends... in my actual life, I'm basically invisible... and I don't even have imaginary friends to fall back on...

Personally, I love wandering around the city by myself. Sometimes it's actually great. You get to clear your head, grab some fresh air, and just move at your own pace without anyone slowing you down or rushing you along...
For me, the absolute worst part is when I need to cry but have nobody to talk to... when it hurts inside and there isn't a single soul listening...

But then again, it feels like the whole world is lonely. More or less...

stormyjackal46—honestly, do you just not have anyone close you can truly lean on, or have you built up these massive walls that keep everyone at arm's length? I've definitely been there myself—it’s a tough way to live.

Taylor Patel6 Member

13 messages
joined Mar 2009

#4 · Apr 17, 2009

Honestly, I love being on my own. It’s the best feeling ever.
On the flip side, being around people actually makes me feel physically ill sometimes because they can be such a massive nuisance.
I’ve even found myself lying about having errands to run just so I can dodge a social gathering.
I just want everyone to get off my back so I can finally have some peace and quiet, all by myself.

cosmictinker21 Active Member

242 messages
joined Jan 2009

#5 · Apr 17, 2009

So, I’m curious—in what kind of scenarios would you actually want someone else around? No, I'm being serious. I'd really love for you all to write down those specific moments or durations where you feel that tug to not be alone. Basically, when you just want someone there... or maybe even when you feel like you "have" someone by your side. And why does that need hit you in those specific moments? Is it a constant thing for you, or does it only pop up during certain times when you just want to bounce ideas off someone or finally say what's on your mind? Or maybe it's something else entirely... When did this start happening for you? Was it back in middle school, early on, right before starting elementary school, or maybe just before puberty hit? Or was it later, once everyone drifted off to different corners of the country after graduation, getting busy with jobs, moving away, getting married... Or is it just when things go sideways and you need someone to vent to about your problems? Or perhaps you just want someone incredibly close who's always within reach when you need them, and obviously, when they need you too... It's a lot of questions. Just sort through them and see what comes back to you.🙂

stormyjackal46 Member

44 messages
joined Aug 2009

#6 · Apr 17, 2009

fadedbear92 said:stormyjackal46—honestly, do you just not have anyone close you can truly lean on, or have you built up these massive walls that keep everyone at arm's length? I've definitely been there myself—it’s a tough way to live.

I’d say I only started building my walls last year... mostly because it's easier to stomach that way. Sometimes I feel like some lost little kid; someone walks up and asks me what time it is, and I just stand there with tears in my eyes, wondering if they want to be my friend.
So, I have a boyfriend... and he’s dealing with some seriously intense social anxiety.

But now I’ve gone and lost the thread of what the original poster was actually saying...

cosmictinker21 Active Member

242 messages
joined Jan 2009

#7 · Apr 17, 2009

stormyjackal46 said:I’d say I only started building my walls last year... mostly because it's easier to stomach that way. Sometimes I feel like some lost little kid; someone walks up and asks me what time it is, and I just stand there with tears in my eyes, wondering if they want to be my friend.
So, I have a boyfriend... and he’s dealing with some seriously intense social anxiety.

But now I’ve gone and lost the thread of what the original poster was actually saying...

no, you are... you're talking about loneliness. go on...

stormyjackal46 Member

44 messages
joined Aug 2009

#8 · Apr 17, 2009

If I actually tried to answer all your questions, we’d be here forever. It’s a massive, tangled mess of phobias, depression, anxiety—you name it. It’s all interconnected. Honestly, I’ve been dealing with depression since the first grade. I started self-harming as far back as I can remember; I used to actually wish I had some serious physical illness just so I wouldn't feel so alone.
The absolute worst part is being at college and having nobody to grab coffee with, or when something great happens and I have zero people to tell. Like when my boyfriend surprises me with something sweet, but there's no one to share the excitement with. Or when I want to see a specific movie—one of those "girls' night" flicks—but I can only go if my sister comes along... there are a million scenarios like this. If I'm being blunt, I've felt rejected for as long as I can remember. Everywhere. I had three friends back in elementary school; one moved away, then I moved too, and I only stayed in touch with one person... and even that eventually fizzled out. In high school, I had two friends. One of them reaches out every once in a while when she needs advice or feels down, but when she's happy, wants to go out, or is celebrating a birthday—or even when it's *my* birthday—I basically don't exist. At college, sometimes I'll say hey to someone and it's like they didn't even hear me. It's all just superficial acquaintances. I eat lunch in the dining hall by myself. Going out for coffee? Very rarely.
My boyfriend is really the only person who thinks about me. He's the only one calling, the only one texting, the only one I share everything with. It's day and night... and then, there are those moments where I just wish I had one person to grab a coffee with, or someone to call when he can't make it and I'm feeling low. When I was working, things were fine; I made friends with my coworkers, we hung out at each other's places, went out together. But after I started college, I reached out to them, wished them happy birthdays, invited them for coffee... and they just stopped responding. They changed numbers, moved away...

Look... my family built these walls around me. Through constant restrictions and strict rules, they drilled this sense of guilt into my head. But I can't entirely blame them either. They were just doing what they thought was best for me. They overprotected me... even now.

cosmictinker21 Active Member

242 messages
joined Jan 2009

#9 · Apr 17, 2009

Why do you feel like you need an audience just to process what’s happening or how you’re feeling? Maybe at college, you aren't loud enough, or maybe you just don't have the nerve to speak up, ask questions, or navigate the unwritten rules of certain cliques. For the most part, life was fine until university hit—that stage where social development kicks in and you start looking for where you fit in the world. At the same time, you're building your own sense of self, pushing back against the idea that family is your only safety net, and outgrowing old friends who are too busy trying to prove they belong to the pack. Then comes the true period of individualization—that stretch of young adulthood where you're essentially learning how to be a fully functioning, independent human being. Once you cross that threshold, you aren't dependent on anyone anymore. You get to hand-pick your friends, your partners, and the different circles that satisfy specific needs in your life. When we're kids, we don't have a choice; our school, our friend groups, our neighborhoods, our families... it's all just handed to us. But once we grow up, we can actually change our circumstances and the people we surround ourselves with (I'm not talking about professional obligations or basic survival here, obviously). So, do any of this resonate with you? And I'd love to hear more about that initial point you made... it was an interesting observation.

stormyjackal46 Member

44 messages
joined Aug 2009

#10 · Apr 17, 2009

It honestly starts to hurt when there’s nothing but silence surrounding you. People aren't wolves; we don't just go wandering off into the woods to be alone...
Actually, I can't even say everything I want to... or maybe I just shouldn't.

Sandra Parker3 Regular

419 messages
joined Oct 2007

#11 · Apr 17, 2009

stormyjackal46 said:I’d say I only started building my walls last year... mostly because it's easier to stomach that way. Sometimes I feel like some lost little kid; someone walks up and asks me what time it is, and I just stand there with tears in my eyes, wondering if they want to be my friend.
So, I have a boyfriend... and he’s dealing with some seriously intense social anxiety.

But now I’ve gone and lost the thread of what the original poster was actually saying...

What kind of walls are we talking about?

cosmictinker21 Active Member

242 messages
joined Jan 2009

#12 · Apr 17, 2009

Sandra Parker3 said:What kind of walls are we talking about?

What exactly is stopping you, or what's the big issue? Like, what would actually happen if you just spoke up? What's the worst-case scenario...

Sandra Parker3 Regular

419 messages
joined Oct 2007

#13 · Apr 17, 2009

cosmictinker21 said:What exactly is stopping you, or what's the big issue? Like, what would actually happen if you just spoke up? What's the worst-case scenario...

Huh? 😕 🤷

cosmictinker21 Active Member

242 messages
joined Jan 2009

#14 · Apr 17, 2009

Sandra Parker3 said:Huh? 😕 🤷

but that was actually about stormyjackal46, who mentioned she might need to watch what she says...

Jessica Cook11 Newcomer

9 messages
joined Aug 2008

#15 · Apr 17, 2009

Maybe being alone is actually a blessing... I’ve just embraced it, and honestly, I feel better for it. Though, deep down, I never really wanted to be totally solo... I think I might just scare people off. Right now, I'm stuck in this relationship that goes nowhere and has zero understanding—it's basically just something to have so I'm not single. It sucks. The worst part is waking up to a gorgeous day and thinking about heading downtown to walk around and laugh with someone, only to realize I'll be doing it by myself.
Maybe I’m the one to blame here. I can be pretty hard on people. I absolutely loathe superficiality—I just can't stand it—even though, at my core, I'm a total optimist.
To be real with you, most people in my life have just used me. If they needed a favor, they knew exactly who to call. And look, it didn't bother me at the time—I genuinely love helping out. But the second *I* actually needed something? Everyone vanished. I think that was the moment I completely lost my faith in humanity. Now, I just have a few acquaintances, and that’s it.
When I go out on a Friday or Saturday night, I feel like an intruder in everyone else's world. And it’s the same feeling when someone tries to push their way into my own little bubble of poetry, music, and books.
I love my solitude, but man, sometimes it's tough.
So, yeah. There are more of us out there... we aren't alone in our loneliness.

Jerry Martinez5 Regular

278 messages
joined Apr 2009

#16 · Apr 17, 2009

Casey Ramos78 said:So I was supposed to head downtown today to pick some stuff up—that was the plan, anyway—but then total panic set in. Just this overwhelming dread at the thought of walking through the city streets all by myself again. It drags all those old memories right back to the surface. Honestly, I’ve changed so much lately and I don't feel like that pathetic version of myself anymore, but heading out alone feels like admitting nothing has actually changed. I’m terrified of being alone. Is it just me haunted by the past, or does nobody actually enjoy their own company?

I’ve had these "identity crises"—which is really just code for those moments where it hits you like a freight train that you have absolutely nobody, zero real friends, and you just want to end it all because the loneliness is too much. It hurts. Loneliness is hands down the most painful thing in the world.

A quick thought on everyone else: Why are people so terrified of ending relationships that clearly don't work? They just can't face being alone. That’s my take, anyway. I honestly don't get how some people on this forum could look me in the eye a year ago and say, "Hey, why not just be single? It’s great! You can do this and that!" How can anyone find loneliness "good"? I seriously don't get it, because I can't stand it for another second.

Lately, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not actually alone, so now I'm scared that if I go downtown solo, it'll prove that this whole past year was just a wash. The truth is, I still don't have anyone to go out with, which just confirms I'm still isolated despite all these imaginary friends I've managed to make.

p.s. When I say "downtown," I just mean hitting the mall—there's no other reason I'd be forced to wander around town.

You're right: people fear breaking up even in terrible relationships because, apparently, being alone is the ultimate nightmare. A husband hits his wife? Well, she thinks staying is better than being solo. A woman rejects intimacy for three years straight and meets every kind word with a fight? Well, being alone is worse. 👎

The only way—and I mean the absolute only way—to actually have a healthy relationship is to first learn how to be okay on your own. If you can't do that, you'll either spend your life lonely against your will, or you'll jump into a relationship where you end up a victim of abuse. And trust me, that's going to feel a lot worse than what you're dealing with now.

What are you actually looking for in a partner? What do you think a girl could expect from you? What can you actually provide? You're depressed, but you think you'll suddenly become witty, tender, fun, and warm just because she's there? No. You won't. Be certain of that. In a relationship, you'll just be the same person you are now—unhappy. The only way to find happiness in a partnership is to figure out how to be happy by yourself first.

How? It's a grind. 🤷
I pay a huge chunk of my paycheck for it: psychotherapy. 👍

I learned long ago how to walk around the city by myself, go to the movies alone... grab coffee alone, eat lunch alone. It's harder for women than men, let's be honest, right? (And yeah, I'm not single anymore 🙂

Betty Fisher2 Newcomer

3 messages
joined Jan 2009

#17 · Apr 17, 2009

Taylor Patel6 said:Honestly, I love being on my own. It’s the best feeling ever.
On the flip side, being around people actually makes me feel physically ill sometimes because they can be such a massive nuisance.
I’ve even found myself lying about having errands to run just so I can dodge a social gathering.
I just want everyone to get off my back so I can finally have some peace and quiet, all by myself.

I agree with every single word.

Casey Ramos78 MemberOP

19 messages
joined Apr 2009

#18 · Apr 17, 2009

Here we go again with the same old story. Everyone claims they want to be alone.

silverangler73 Newcomer

1 message
joined Apr 2009

#19 · Apr 18, 2009

I still get that heavy sense of dread whenever I have to head out into the city alone; I constantly feel like everyone is staring, judging, and sizing me up.
I’ve lost my circle of friends entirely. Now, everything is just surface-level acquaintances because I refuse to get close to people who spend their lives tearing each other down and hitting the bars every single weekend—a lifestyle I long since outgrew.
I've stayed in this relationship for years simply because the thought of being alone is terrifying, even though, in reality, I feel more isolated with him than I would by myself.😢

Being alone is a struggle. You find yourself constantly looking toward others, watching them laugh and enjoy life while you feel completely alienated from the world around you. It's frustrating when, deep down, you know you're perfectly normal.

Zachary Patel6 Member

39 messages
joined Apr 2008

#20 · Apr 18, 2009

I’m not one for solitude. Thank God for my friends—basically my family—🙂

Nobody wants to be alone

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