Feeling like a total failure

I honestly think there’s this huge misconception that you actually have to love what you do for a living. I know very few people who truly pour their heart and soul into their careers (though I’m lucky enough to be one of those outliers!), but let's be real—most people are stuck grinding away at soul-crushing jobs at places like General Motors, working construction sites, bartending, or just pulling shifts at some tiny local shop or hospital where they barely make a dime and nobody even gives them credit for showing up. They do it because they have to, plain and simple, and having a degree on top of that feels like a total life bonus. It’s a completely different story if you’re just doing whatever your parents pushed you into and you're feeling miserable about your whole existence; honestly, switching careers probably wouldn't fix that deep-seated dissatisfaction anyway.
Who is stopping you from pursuing your actual passions during your off-hours? You can chip away at it bit by bit, just for the pure joy of it! Maybe you aren't as talented as you imagine yourself to be, but that doesn't even matter when you're doing it for yourself instead of constantly trying to prove something to everyone else.

Samuel Phillips2 said:Do what? I'm stuck in Chicago for work four days a week—then I spend the other three back home with family. I can't exactly spend my time off out in the garage hacking away at some firewood.

You can. In fact, you absolutely must. Think about what happens to your kids if you stay stuck in this rut—if their father keeps acting like this, he’s going to spiral into a depression, and then he won't be able to hold down a job at all. Who's going to provide for them then? 😉 That is why you need to take action to ignite your own ambitions. Even if it means working right alongside your day job or losing sleep, you have to do it. Having a college degree doesn't define your worth if you actually have talent. Especially nowadays, when art and creativity can be distributed by anyone, not just people following traditional career paths. So, get to work!

rapidskipper842 said:Maybe you'll catch a little spark of excitement right at the finish line of your PhD.—it happens more often than you'd think.
It’s still a massive win, even if it doesn't feel quite as fulfilling as you expected.
Just try to appreciate where you are—so many people never even get the chance to go to college, let alone earn a doctorate.
Honestly, how many people actually get everything they ever wanted? Maybe we only feel empty because we finally have nothing left to chase.🤷

Give me a break with this "just be grateful for what you have" advice. Seriously. If someone isn't feeling grateful for their current situation, how are they supposed to be? You can't just force gratitude upon someone by beating them into submission. 🙄 The argument that things could be worse for others, so you should just be okay with your own state, simply doesn't hold water. It's on par with those therapists who tell people struggling with depression to "be happy because there are children starving in Africa"—what kind of help is that actually? 🙄
If a person isn't happy, they AREN'T HAPPY. This moralizing about how "life is suffering" is just a reflection of that oppressive mindset prevalent in our culture. So—
just leave the guy alone! Yes, a person possesses the potential for happiness, and it is their DUTY to pursue their dream if they see one. Not at the expense of others, obviously, but there has to be some sort of compromise between one's own desires and the desires of others (like family, etc.). One cannot spend an entire lifetime subordinating themselves to the wishes of others, as that inevitably leads to misery.

If he has realized that he isn't happy, I say CONGRATULATIONS to him. Most people never even reach that realization. That awareness is the very first step toward achieving true happiness, and he should be fully supported in that. 👍

placidranger said:My old man decided to head back to college at 43.
He’d finally had enough after two decades of staring at spreadsheets in some cubicle—just total burnout. He enrolled in a part-time program about sixty miles away, knocked everything out right on schedule, and now he's hunting for a new gig. He worked full-time while studying, too; managed to cut a deal with his manager to flex his hours and make up the time later.

That whole "it's too late" narrative? It's complete nonsense.
edit:
I suppose—and I hate to say this—it probably helped him that he doesn't have his own father hovering over him anymore, criticizing every move or trying to dictate his life.

👍👍👍 🙏 Anything is possible if you just grit your teeth and do it!

hiddenhawk3 said:I don't know, I might disagree. Change isn't even common; honestly, any kind of pivot is still terrifying in America. Society here is pretty stuck in its ways—it's improving, sure, but incredibly slowly. If you deviate from what most people value, you're basically asking for social backlash in one form or another. And men seem to have it easier; when it comes to being "indecisive," women get judged a bit differently. 😉
Most Americans don't want change. Most people won't even leave their hometown for a better job, let alone retrain for a new career... those who actually want to shake things up are in the minority.
Anyway, good on the old guy for having the guts. 🙏

Look, we aren't living in Scandinavia or something—we don't just swap careers every two years. But ultimately, it boils down to the individual: do you want to actually live your life, or do you just want to fit in? If you decide that doing meaningful work matters more than fitting the mold, then yeah, you deal with the backlash.

Kudos to the old man for having the guts. 🙏

I only brought up that example because I know the story well. It was commendable, certainly—but in this context, it's just proof of concept. There were quite a few people over thirty at his seminar.

feralcobra92 said:I honestly think there’s this huge misconception that you actually have to love what you do for a living. I know very few people who truly pour their heart and soul into their careers (though I’m lucky enough to be one of those outliers!), but let's be real—most people are stuck grinding away at soul-crushing jobs at places like General Motors, working construction sites, bartending, or just pulling shifts at some tiny local shop or hospital where they barely make a dime and nobody even gives them credit for showing up. They do it because they have to, plain and simple, and having a degree on top of that feels like a total life bonus. It’s a completely different story if you’re just doing whatever your parents pushed you into and you're feeling miserable about your whole existence; honestly, switching careers probably wouldn't fix that deep-seated dissatisfaction anyway.
Who is stopping you from pursuing your actual passions during your off-hours? You can chip away at it bit by bit, just for the pure joy of it! Maybe you aren't as talented as you imagine yourself to be, but that doesn't even matter when you're doing it for yourself instead of constantly trying to prove something to everyone else.

Personally, I believe that’s the only way to lead a fulfilling life—doing what you love, leaning into your talents, and making a real contribution to society. It’s depressing that most people spend their lives in miserable, repetitive jobs just to put food on the table for themselves and their families. From a societal standpoint, it’s a massive waste because all that potential just withers away.
That’s the reality, sure—but it isn't an excuse to just drift through life on autopilot.

You absolutely have to finish that PhD; you’ve already put in too much work to walk away now, so just push through it... once that's out of the way, you can eventually hunt down a higher-paying gig, take out a mortgage, and finally buy your own place—maybe a house or even a small plot of land if you find the right deal—and having your own space will give you that sense of freedom we all crave, which should leave you plenty of time to focus on your bonsai...

For instance, I actually love my field and I don't mind grinding through economics, but there comes a point where some guy gets the promotion just because he knows the right people, while my grades and years of experience are used as nothing more than floor mats, and that’s where the frustration starts setting in; however, in your line of work, it's harder to pull off those kinds of nepotism stunts because molecular biology is leagues more difficult than economics, leaving very little room for people to cut corners or play favorites... so every path has its trade-offs. Just hang in there and look at the finish line: maybe two more years of this grind and you'll finally be your own boss, so keep your head down and make it happen...

I honestly think you've got this 🙂

p.s. As for the art—if you're truly passionate about it, the work will speak for itself and you can always sell it... there's eBay, word of mouth, or whatever else; for example, my old man knows this carpenter who is an absolute genius, a guy who crafts unbelievable things out of wood, including these stunning tables. My dad bought one, and after the neighbors saw it during a backyard BBQ, the guy ended up selling at least six or seven more just from the buzz created by that one piece.

Samuel Phillips2 said:I realized while working in the molecular biology lab that this field just isn't for me—but I’ve been white-knuckling it this far. Everyone kept telling me to just finish what I started... So many years wasted, when my heart was always pulling me toward painting, sculpting, and all those "childish" pursuits. I ended up enrolling in a PhD program just because everyone else was doing it—it felt like the only way to avoid being stuck as a high school teacher forever.😢
Even when I manage to scrape by on an exam or a term paper, the whole thing just crushes me. I feel like I'm going to snap.

I'm drifting further and further away from what actually matters to me. What kills me most is knowing I actually have talent—some of my amateur sculptures have even gotten praise—but I'm past thirty now. I've got a wife and kids to think about, so I need a paycheck. I hate my job, and honestly, I hate myself for being such a coward. Now I don't even have the time to take a class, and I definitely don't have the expertise required for AT&T 🤷

I want to switch careers, but I'm terrified it's too late and that I've already blown my shot at life.
Sometimes I think about just running away... but then I think about being broke... and about my kids, who'll end up being teased by their classmates for having a "starving artist" dad.

I was always the star student, and my parents are so proud of their future PhD, but underneath it all, I'm just filled with self-loathing. I know deep down that as a scientist, I'm a total zero and just lazy. I read research papers without understanding them and without any passion. I loathe it. I hate the lab. Even the people there—the ones who are actually upbeat and hardworking—aren't bad people. But I despise them; I subconsciously resent them for my own failures. It drives me crazy seeing them do better than me.

I want to work, and I have the energy and the drive, just not for pipettes and microscopes. Not for writing abstracts or running statistical tests.

Please—give me some advice, because if I keep going like this, this frustration is going to permanently kill my spirit and my will to live.

Reading this gave me chills... it makes me feel like nature is trying to send me some kind of sign 😁 though that could easily be interpreted in too many directions given my current state of mind.

I’ll add myself to the list of those who see themselves reflected in these words... I'm in my fourth year at MIT, and while I've managed to pass everything so far, this fourth year has hit me like a wall. I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I might have an oral exam tomorrow, but today, my entire body is failing me. My kidneys are acting up, among other things I won't go into detail about if I want to maintain some shred of dignity, assuming I haven't already lost it. 😁
I also firmly believe there is a field out there where I would be better—or at least, where I could give more of myself, more authentically.
I wasn't a bad student (at least, I wasn't until this final year) in my major, but I am painfully aware that I will never be a great engineer, not even close. Some of the people who started alongside me, even those who were barely scraping by in lectures, are miles ahead of me now (and I truly respect them 🙏)... they are nearing graduation and are already landing positions at top-tier companies and so on.

Just thinking about the idea of not enrolling in a new degree, or finding another way to pursue the path that has always drawn me in, causes me physical pain.
Once again, I find myself surrounded by people who seem genuinely repulsed by the mere idea of me pivoting toward a different path—even my closest friends, the ones who supposedly know me best, can't wrap their heads around it.

I’m not sharing this to seek pity... it is simply an impulsive reaction after reading about someone else facing a strikingly similar dilemma.

So, I have to wonder: is it selfish, irresponsible, or perhaps even childish to change course after a specific group of people has already rallied behind us in such a short amount of time? Hmm...
We had a choice, we made a decision, and we aren't children here to whine or play the victim by pretending life has simply crushed us. Surely, one ought to stand by their word. 🤷

On the other hand, how does one actually follow through when even your own body begins to fail you? When you start feeling suffocated by the very life you built? When you walk down a street in Chicago and find yourself thinking how wonderful it would be to just sit in a park and fade away—to simply cease existing—because you honestly struggle to see the point in continuing to consume oxygen alongside people who are actually out there making something of themselves.

I truly don't know. 😢

Samuel Miller21, have you ever considered opening your own career counseling practice for people struggling with their professional direction? I have a strong feeling you would truly excel at it. 😍 😉

Man, you really hit a nerve with this topic 😢
Right now, I’m just in one of those phases where I don't even have the energy or the desire to try and find comfort in the good
aspects of my career... especially when I realize how much effort I'm pouring at every single level
into something that doesn't move the needle for me at all. On paper—strictly speaking—I'm doing well enough (on average).
But if we're measuring by my own sense of fulfillment, I am failing miserably.
What can I even say, when after grinding through the right university and getting that degree, you suddenly,
just wake up one morning and realize—you aren't the same person you were yesterday, and
that you simply couldn't care less about this field anymore. I truly don't! And then you start discovering these other parts of yourself,
things that have absolutely nothing to do with what you studied. And of course, that's not something that's going to
pay the bills on a daily basis. So you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and start searching
for work because, well, life isn't free; you find a job, and after that initial burst of enthusiasm,
suddenly every single day feels like an uphill battle, and nothing makes any sense anymore.
You feel like a total outsider, like an alien among your peers. It's as if you're carrying this massive secret that
you have to guard at all costs. You look at all these people around you who are so incredibly dedicated to their work,
and you find yourself wondering what's wrong with you, why you have to force yourself, why you can't
just find interest in it. So you try, and you try, and you try... You jump from company to company, acting incredibly
sharp during interviews. And the employers think you're brilliant. But to you,
this whole career path feels as distant as a dream, and the only tiny solace you find is the paycheck.
But the emptiness is still there, and there's nothing you can do to fill it... because affirmations just don't work.
There are periods where I don't even think about it, moments where I almost forget, but then the
dissatisfaction and exhaustion just pile up, and at first, I can't even figure out what it is—what's happening to me?
I honestly don't know how I'll solve this, but that tiny flicker of hope that I might be able to is what
keeps me from completely breaking down. I don't know how yet, but maybe one day, it will just click...
Anyway, I just wanted to say to the OP, please don't feel alone; let my story be some small comfort to you.

Samuel Miller21 said:Reading this gave me chills... it makes me feel like nature is trying to send me some kind of sign 😁 though that could easily be interpreted in too many directions given my current state of mind.

I’ll add myself to the list of those who see themselves reflected in these words... I'm in my fourth year at MIT, and while I've managed to pass everything so far, this fourth year has hit me like a wall. I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I might have an oral exam tomorrow, but today, my entire body is failing me. My kidneys are acting up, among other things I won't go into detail about if I want to maintain some shred of dignity, assuming I haven't already lost it. 😁
I also firmly believe there is a field out there where I would be better—or at least, where I could give more of myself, more authentically.
I wasn't a bad student (at least, I wasn't until this final year) in my major, but I am painfully aware that I will never be a great engineer, not even close. Some of the people who started alongside me, even those who were barely scraping by in lectures, are miles ahead of me now (and I truly respect them 🙏)... they are nearing graduation and are already landing positions at top-tier companies and so on.

Just thinking about the idea of not enrolling in a new degree, or finding another way to pursue the path that has always drawn me in, causes me physical pain.
Once again, I find myself surrounded by people who seem genuinely repulsed by the mere idea of me pivoting toward a different path—even my closest friends, the ones who supposedly know me best, can't wrap their heads around it.

I’m not sharing this to seek pity... it is simply an impulsive reaction after reading about someone else facing a strikingly similar dilemma.

So, I have to wonder: is it selfish, irresponsible, or perhaps even childish to change course after a specific group of people has already rallied behind us in such a short amount of time? Hmm...
We had a choice, we made a decision, and we aren't children here to whine or play the victim by pretending life has simply crushed us. Surely, one ought to stand by their word. 🤷

On the other hand, how does one actually follow through when even your own body begins to fail you? When you start feeling suffocated by the very life you built? When you walk down a street in Chicago and find yourself thinking how wonderful it would be to just sit in a park and fade away—to simply cease existing—because you honestly struggle to see the point in continuing to consume oxygen alongside people who are actually out there making something of themselves.

I truly don't know. 😢

🙂

It sounds like you’re wishing there was some kind of time warp where you could just vanish for ten years to clear your head, without time racing past you like a bullet train...

But what's your direction? You mentioned that the original post resonated with you; does that mean you have a completely different interest, maybe art as well?

As for me, I enrolled in exactly what I thought I wanted and loved (Computer Science at MIT 😬)—but even that didn't bring me any happiness. Nowadays, I feel like I'm losing interest in that, too. Reading this opening post, I almost envy the author. Sure, it isn't easy, but at least there's passion involved. It's true, there are plenty of obstacles—but isn't it much worse when you become totally indifferent and nothing pulls at you anymore?

If I could, I'd love to offer you some comfort, but I truly don't know how. 😢

Samuel Miller21 said:Samuel Miller21, have you ever considered opening your own career counseling practice for people struggling with their professional direction? I have a strong feeling you would truly excel at it. 😍 😉

Well, you know, being deeply dissatisfied with your job isn't actually such a trivial matter at all... one can only imagine the sheer variety of ailments and stresses that stem from that kind of discontent. People still seem to take it far too lightly, often failing to take any meaningful action to change their situation... and even if they wanted to, there aren't many places where they can turn for real help. I suspect most people would just look at them with total confusion for complaining, simply because they technically have a paycheck coming in...

Samuel Phillips2 said:Sometimes all this research feels like a total scam. All the charts are just rigged to make my boss look good. Honestly, there’s barely any difference between five of his papers—just moving empty data from one pile to another. One study uses 57% ethanol, the next uses 53%. It's all just filler to pad a resume.

I honestly don't think your interest in this field is ever coming back. In fact, things might actually get worse. If you don't make some kind of pivot—or if that change doesn't just happen to you naturally, which would be a lucky break—there's a huge chance you're going to spend your whole life feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. And that's being optimistic, really. It could go way deeper than that, like slipping into depression and all that heavy stuff. Since you still feel a spark for art, that's a good thing, because it means there's still a tiny bit of hope left that you'll find fulfillment one day. But if you lose that hope? Things could get ugly fast. You might lose interest in art too, and then you're facing what feels like a dead end. And let me tell you, those feelings that come with that are pure hell.

Science isn't meant to be a routine grind, and you hit the nail on the head with that. Especially not working at the CIA. You either have to find some niche where you can actually settle into a rhythm—maybe a junior professorship at some obscure liberal arts college where the tenure requirements aren't soul-crushing, assuming anything like that even exists, or maybe joining a team where someone else is the big visionary driving the emotional engine while you just handle the support work—or you have to make a radical change. Either way, what's keeping you stuck right now is basically the weight of everyone's expectations. And it's not just other people's expectations (because if it were just them, you wouldn't be struggling this much), it's your own, too. You want the stuff that comes with meeting those expectations, like prestige and respect. Those two things are constantly fighting each other on a scale, and it's really just a matter of which side wins out. What I truly hope for is that you don't end up stuck right in the middle, paralyzed by the balance...

I suppose I should add a few more thoughts now that my own selfishness and recent bout of bad luck have subsided...

What a bummer. Someone gave you some solid advice there: just find a job at a school (or somewhere else entirely) and set aside the PhD pursuit. Where does this path even lead? I suspect that even after finishing the doctorate, one simply follows an inertia toward something equally unfulfilling. 🤷
The absolute worst thing you can do is engage in intellectual labor that fails to capture your interest. Perhaps I only speak from my own limited experience, but it seems to me that performing routine physical labor might actually be easier than that.

Try to detach from your parents and their specific value systems; you have your own family now, and your responsibility lies solely with them. (Though, you didn't mention what your wife's perspective is on all this.)
Regarding that matter... my parents never had much money. It’s not that I grew up in poverty, but I attended a private prep school where everyone came from much wealthier backgrounds, and I often struggled to keep up with them. Yet, not once in my life did I think my existence would be better if my parents earned more or if we were wealthier. What I thought many times, however, was how much easier it would have been if they had simply been happier. If they could have provided a more joyful model for me to emulate.
In principle, the most valuable thing you can offer your children is an example of how to live a happy life. Beyond meeting their basic needs, that is truly your greatest responsibility to them.

This is one of my primary motivations (or it will be, once I move past this current phase 😁 ) to ensure that I don't pass down to my children—should I have them—exactly what my parents passed to me: that underlying fear of happiness. I know how irrational that sounds, but that is essentially what it boils down to. I want to be the one to break that cycle, rather than having them spend the next twenty or thirty years posting similar nonsense on an online forum. 😁

wiredbear2 said:Well, honestly, being miserable at your job isn't just some minor inconvenience... who knows what kind of health issues can stem from that kind of stress? People still tend to brush it off and fail to take any real action, partly because they don't even know where to turn for help. It’s as if they think anyone would just look at them in confusion for complaining, simply because they have a paycheck coming in.

I completely agree with you... and I want to clarify that my previous comment wasn't meant to be sarcastic, but was actually an attempt at a compliment. 🙂 Based on the things you've written, I got the impression that there is something genuinely motivating in your perspective—something that offers the hope that being unhappy isn't our only inevitable destiny, just because everyone else seems to be struggling too.

lonegardener said:🙂

It sounds like you’re wishing there was some kind of time warp where you could just vanish for ten years to clear your head, without time racing past you like a bullet train...

But what's your direction? You mentioned that the original post resonated with you; does that mean you have a completely different interest, maybe art as well?

As for me, I enrolled in exactly what I thought I wanted and loved (Computer Science at MIT 😬)—but even that didn't bring me any happiness. Nowadays, I feel like I'm losing interest in that, too. Reading this opening post, I almost envy the author. Sure, it isn't easy, but at least there's passion involved. It's true, there are plenty of obstacles—but isn't it much worse when you become totally indifferent and nothing pulls at you anymore?

If I could, I'd love to offer you some comfort, but I truly don't know how. 😢

My internet cut out on me this morning, so I didn't get a chance to tell you how much I appreciated your words. You truly managed to comfort me—and honestly, you even put a smile on my face. 😘
Thank you.

Honestly, I don't really care if my car breaks down or gets totaled. I’m not exactly the type of person who obsesses over technical specs or demands high-performance engineering. As long as it gets me from point A to point B, I'm satisfied. 😁Honestly, I sometimes find myself wishing I could just be tucked away in an intensive care unit somewhere, maybe with a medical wrap over my mouth so I wouldn't even have to deal with the burden of answering questions. Wouldn't it be something? To simply lie there, existing in a state of total stillness, just vegetating until the world around me finally shifts into something different.
Or perhaps it is simply my own attempt to find a justification for being lazy.
I felt a wave of embarrassment this morning when I realized my last post sounded so incredibly dark... please believe me when I say I’m not actually in that headspace. Writing those kinds of things is just how I process stress and try to find some sense of calm. Still, it feels a bit heavy to look back on. To make matters worse, I ended up failing another exam, so I think I’ll give myself permission to wallow just a little bit today. I am officially postponing all self-control until tomorrow; today, I'm just letting myself feel the weight of it all.

At the very least, you have managed to forge a single association with the concept of fairness that isn't steeped in nothing but shame and guilt. 😘

Quincy:

So, what is your major? You mentioned that you see yourself reflected in the opening post; does that imply you have a completely different set of interests—perhaps an affinity for the arts as well? It’s funny how things work out. I went ahead and enrolled in exactly what I thought I wanted—Computer Science at MIT—thinking it was my true calling. Yet, even that didn't bring me any sense of fulfillment. Now, looking back, I feel like I'm losing interest in that field entirely. Reading this introductory post, I almost find myself envying the author. Sure, the path isn't easy, but at least there is some semblance of passion involved. There are plenty of obstacles to face, certainly—but isn't it actually worse when you become completely indifferent, where nothing seems to pull at you anymore?

And I am the computer science department.

My interests lie elsewhere, and I'm honestly not quite sure if I could even classify what I do as art. I write certain things, though I struggle to decide whether they truly qualify as poetry or if they fall into a different category altogether. 😁
To be honest, poetry just isn't how I define myself. I don't look at my own work and see someone like Sylvia Plath or anything of that caliber; I simply don't feel that level of creative abundance within me. 😁 In order to truly be perceived as a potential artist, perhaps even a poet, one must consider what is required to inhabit that identity authentically. Is it enough to simply possess the inclination, or does one need to cultivate a certain presence? To be taken seriously in those creative circles, there is an art to how one presents their soul to the world.
Perhaps I should view this as a facet of my own identity that I am compelled to weave into something greater. It is, quite frankly, the most intense passion I possess. There is this profound, driving desire to truly grasp the human condition—specifically when navigating the complexities of mental health and psychological struggles. This pull toward psychology and its various analytical branches isn't just an interest; it is a fundamental part of who I am.
I have recently found myself quite fascinated by astrology—though I am fully aware that such an interest might cause me to lose some standing in the eyes of the rationalists among us. 😳Even without any grounding in actual reality, I find the whole concept absolutely fascinating. There is something deeply captivating about such an ancient way of interpreting the human condition—it represents perhaps the most complex system of personality typing ever devised. To me, it isn't really about using it as some sort of predictive tool; rather, I see it as an inexhaustible collection of symbols, a truly remarkable architecture of the human psyche.
If I were to distill everything we’ve discussed into a single concept, I would point toward psychology—specifically, something akin to a psychoanalytic approach.
That is more or less my take, 🙂

Regarding that final point you made, a close friend of mine actually said something very similar... there is a certain happiness found in knowing there is an underlying force pulling at you, but I am not entirely sure. It also seems to trigger this sense of hysteria or suffocation; you find yourself physically doing one thing while your mind is occupied by another, eventually resulting in complete paralysis and total resignation.

As for you, I get the distinct impression that you have the potential to be a philosopher. I have gathered the sense that you genuinely relish these philosophical debates, and you possess a rather divergent way of thinking—one where a single starting point can blossom into a vast array of potential questions. I don't know... I certainly wouldn't claim to be an expert capable of offering a truly competent critique, but that is simply my impression. 🤷

Oh, and if you ever decide to work on that little gadget again, perhaps you could integrate a function for a painless shutdown... (unless I am being too dark here) just a way to facilitate a temporary shutdown.
It would save him from having to loop endlessly while dealing with those "index was out of range" errors and similar exceptions.

wiredbear2 said:Well, you know, being deeply dissatisfied with your job isn't actually such a trivial matter at all... one can only imagine the sheer variety of ailments and stresses that stem from that kind of discontent. People still seem to take it far too lightly, often failing to take any meaningful action to change their situation... and even if they wanted to, there aren't many places where they can turn for real help. I suspect most people would just look at them with total confusion for complaining, simply because they technically have a paycheck coming in...

That is absolutely true! I once held a job that I truly loathed, and it made me resent my colleagues, myself, and honestly, the whole world. If I had tried to just "accept my fate," I wouldn't have lasted more than three days before breaking down and crying for an hour straight, thinking how I'd rather be starving than face that office again. Just thinking about it now! 😢 And then there was the constant commentary from everyone around me: "A job is just a job," "Think of all the people who would kill for your position," "Look at all the benefits you have," "Money is what matters," "What else would you do? So many people are unemployed," "Just be grateful you have something," or "Even John and Lazarus 😬 are thrilled with their roles, yet here you are complaining." It was all just different versions of the same dismissive attitude. 😁 Consequently, I had to pretend to be fine both at the office and in my private life. I could only breathe when I was alone; the rest of the time, I was essentially living a lie. 😢

No amount of money can motivate me enough to endure something that goes against my very core. I wish it were different—life would certainly be easier. I truly envy those who can feel and think that way! 😢 I also admire anyone who carries a genuine passion within them, much like a dedicated hobbyist. If I possessed that kind of drive, I know I would move heaven and earth to achieve it. 🙂

Regarding the topic, you haven't wasted your life. 🙂 You’ve gained a fascinating experience and significant knowledge that will likely influence your new career path: life follows unpredictable routes, sometimes circling back to things we thought we left behind, just in a different form. There is a new passion waiting for you that deserves your full commitment. Don't push it away; stay involved, even if it starts as a hobby like sculpting. New opportunities will emerge once you take that first step. 🙂 If you deny that part of yourself, you'll end up feeling like a zombie, just going through the motions while life becomes increasingly hollow. Don't settle for merely surviving when you have the chance to truly live. 🙂

Man, people really go through some heavy stuff sometimes...
I honestly can't even fathom how dark things can get...

I’m chasing my dreams, but every single time, something unexpected pops up and forces me back to square one...
There are days when the frustration is overwhelming, and other days where I try to find comfort in the idea that there's a lesson buried in all this chaos...
It’s a situation similar to what Naomi went through, though I suspect we're all feeling this same collective weight...so close, yet so incredibly far...

Regarding what you said... career paths change like seasonal fashion trends (alright, maybe that was a bit much, but you get the point)...
My professors are mostly quite young—early 40s or even younger—and when they talk about their previous careers, it's always "oh, I used to do this, then that"... and now, every single one of them holds a PhD in psychology. It makes you wonder: how? When? What's the secret sauce?...

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't abandon my goals for anything. Everything tends to fall into place eventually, provided you push yourself hard enough to make sure it does...👍

Samuel Phillips2 said:I felt pretty much the same way when I was retaking my sophomore year... So, how's it going now? Am I back at square one at some other university?

But you know what? Maybe I should have done it. (Though saying that ten years later feels a lot easier than it actually was...)

You sound like you're having a harder time than I did. Give me a little optimism here—you're only in your early twenties. Look at me: 32 years old, two kids, a mother-in-law in the guest room, and an endless PhD dissertation.

And you think 32 is old?! Don't just sit there waiting for another decade to pass, only to beat yourself up later for not doing something when you were "only" 32...

It's all up to you. Plus, you can definitely find a way to use everything you've learned so far, even without finishing that doctorate.
Good luck!

Samuel Miller21 said:Reading this gave me chills... it makes me feel like nature is trying to send me some kind of sign 😁 though that could easily be interpreted in too many directions given my current state of mind.

I’ll add myself to the list of those who see themselves reflected in these words... I'm in my fourth year at MIT, and while I've managed to pass everything so far, this fourth year has hit me like a wall. I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I might have an oral exam tomorrow, but today, my entire body is failing me. My kidneys are acting up, among other things I won't go into detail about if I want to maintain some shred of dignity, assuming I haven't already lost it. 😁
I also firmly believe there is a field out there where I would be better—or at least, where I could give more of myself, more authentically.
I wasn't a bad student (at least, I wasn't until this final year) in my major, but I am painfully aware that I will never be a great engineer, not even close. Some of the people who started alongside me, even those who were barely scraping by in lectures, are miles ahead of me now (and I truly respect them 🙏)... they are nearing graduation and are already landing positions at top-tier companies and so on.

Just thinking about the idea of not enrolling in a new degree, or finding another way to pursue the path that has always drawn me in, causes me physical pain.
Once again, I find myself surrounded by people who seem genuinely repulsed by the mere idea of me pivoting toward a different path—even my closest friends, the ones who supposedly know me best, can't wrap their heads around it.

I’m not sharing this to seek pity... it is simply an impulsive reaction after reading about someone else facing a strikingly similar dilemma.

So, I have to wonder: is it selfish, irresponsible, or perhaps even childish to change course after a specific group of people has already rallied behind us in such a short amount of time? Hmm...
We had a choice, we made a decision, and we aren't children here to whine or play the victim by pretending life has simply crushed us. Surely, one ought to stand by their word. 🤷

On the other hand, how does one actually follow through when even your own body begins to fail you? When you start feeling suffocated by the very life you built? When you walk down a street in Chicago and find yourself thinking how wonderful it would be to just sit in a park and fade away—to simply cease existing—because you honestly struggle to see the point in continuing to consume oxygen alongside people who are actually out there making something of themselves.

I truly don't know. 😢

No, that is an incorrect definition of "selfishness." To be truly altruistic toward others, you first have to be good to yourself. If you haven't been kind to yourself—whether due to circumstances within or outside of your control—and you finally realize you can fix that, then you practically have a duty to do what you feel is right deep down. Anything else is just living someone else's life instead of your own, and sooner or later, that comes back to haunt you. I know exactly what I am talking about; I speak from experience. 😁
Fortunately, I managed to pull myself away from my own wrong path in time. It was ugly. It was difficult. There were days when I thought I would lose my mind, but—it wasn't just about it being worth it, it was about how I 😍 😍 😍

On the other hand, how do you actually execute that when even your own body starts failing you? When you start feeling suffocated by your own existence. When you walk down the street and think how nice it would be to just sit in a park and vanish, to simply fade away, because you honestly don't see the point in continuing to consume oxygen for people who are actually out there doing something meaningful with their lives.

I really don't know. 😢

I don't know either, but where is all this guilt coming from? "Consuming oxygen for people who are actually doing something meaningful"—well, if the last four years haven't involved doing something meaningful, then what exactly is? 🤷 Give yourself some slack here!
Besides, there are always ways to bridge the past and the present, especially nowadays when everything is interconnected and everything can be monetized.