Living with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder

Hey Gerald Fisher26 🙂

Man, if I hadn't ended up in this ridiculous semester system (absolute nightmare 👎), I might actually enjoy being at university, haha 😁. But nope! This feels just like high school!!! Spending all day on campus and then having to churn out stupid seminar papers and whatever else... like on Tuesday, I'm stuck in class from 12 to 8 PM without a single damn break 😢
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Regarding the meds, I'll tell you what I've been taking since December: one Normabell and two Sulpiride in the morning (it's like a mild antidepressant... which doesn't even work lol), one Sulpiride in the afternoon, and then two Normabells and one Sanval before bed (for the insomnia). It usually works okay. Clearly not tonight, though, because I spent two hours just lying there before I snapped, got up, made a sandwich, and now I'm going to be scrolling the web for another three hours to let the food digest (I have an eating disorder, so God forbid I get fat by going to sleep with a full stomach 😛))
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I'd honestly prefer something stronger, like Prozac (I heard you lose weight on that too, hehe 😁). But whenever I tell my psychiatrist that my current meds aren't helping, she just completely ignores me. 🤷 Anyway... I think... I need a better (stronger) antidepressant. But the woman clearly refuses to prescribe it. WTF? Isn't the "stereotype" that psychiatrists hand out meds left and right? lol.

I'm feeling better today. I finished my third self-help book and got all hyped up on positivity; thinking I'll just dedicate myself to school and eat nothing but kale for a month to drop the weight I put on over the summer by drowning my depression in junk food. Don't tell me that's bad, I know it's not a healthy way to lose weight, BUT I have this voice in my head saying "you know you can slim down ASAP" and I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror feeling "fat" (143 lbs at 5'9")

Gerald Fisher26, are you feeling better now or are you still fighting it?

Kisses everyone 😘

George Garcia9 said:Hey Gerald Fisher26 🙂

Man, if I hadn't ended up in this ridiculous semester system (absolute nightmare 👎), I might actually enjoy being at university, haha 😁. But nope! This feels just like high school!!! Spending all day on campus and then having to churn out stupid seminar papers and whatever else... like on Tuesday, I'm stuck in class from 12 to 8 PM without a single damn break 😢
.
Regarding the meds, I'll tell you what I've been taking since December: one Normabell and two Sulpiride in the morning (it's like a mild antidepressant... which doesn't even work lol), one Sulpiride in the afternoon, and then two Normabells and one Sanval before bed (for the insomnia). It usually works okay. Clearly not tonight, though, because I spent two hours just lying there before I snapped, got up, made a sandwich, and now I'm going to be scrolling the web for another three hours to let the food digest (I have an eating disorder, so God forbid I get fat by going to sleep with a full stomach 😛))
.
I'd honestly prefer something stronger, like Prozac (I heard you lose weight on that too, hehe 😁). But whenever I tell my psychiatrist that my current meds aren't helping, she just completely ignores me. 🤷 Anyway... I think... I need a better (stronger) antidepressant. But the woman clearly refuses to prescribe it. WTF? Isn't the "stereotype" that psychiatrists hand out meds left and right? lol.

I'm feeling better today. I finished my third self-help book and got all hyped up on positivity; thinking I'll just dedicate myself to school and eat nothing but kale for a month to drop the weight I put on over the summer by drowning my depression in junk food. Don't tell me that's bad, I know it's not a healthy way to lose weight, BUT I have this voice in my head saying "you know you can slim down ASAP" and I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror feeling "fat" (143 lbs at 5'9")

Gerald Fisher26, are you feeling better now or are you still fighting it?

Kisses everyone 😘

Look, it's stupid for me to tell you what meds you should be taking—obviously, I'm not a professional, and playing doctor is dangerous... And based on everything, I truly believe my situation was a bit more serious than average...🙄 But I will say this: if you aren't seeing any improvement, definitely switch psychiatrists!

And one more thing that's vital: for me, it all started with an extreme diet back in high school, even though I was never actually overweight... maybe it's similar for you. Anyway, back when I was just a foolish, reckless kid, I had a Spartan kind of discipline—I lived on maybe two apples a day... and somehow I stayed at 110 lbs (I'm 5'11"...). Now, nobody ever officially diagnosed me with anorexia, and honestly, I don't even think I had it, because I felt like I was far too thin and unattractive myself. But... I started having literal depressive attacks from the fear of losing control—the fear that if I stopped eating, I'd die, or if I started eating again, I'd hit 220 lbs...😲 Ugh, that's where I broke. The depression hit, and it was intense. It's been following me ever since. To make matters worse, I didn't recognize it as an actual illness at the time, so I essentially tried to pull myself out of it using sheer willpower, or rather, I thought I cured it... but not for long. Depression is a cursed thing; someone who suffers from it has a 50% higher chance of relapsing within five years compared to someone who's never been depressed.😲 By age 22, everything came crashing back even harder, accompanied by panic disorders and don't even get me started on hypochondria... I was practically at the doctor's office every day getting brain scans, convinced I had cancer. I'm only telling you this so you don't go too overboard with the dieting... it's fine to lose a few pounds (though I don't think you even need to).😉 ), honestly—maybe I was just being foolish—I didn't realize I was stepping into that endless loop from which there seemed to be no exit... and yet, here I am today😁
Today I'm doing okay—well, alright—though I have to admit the last month hasn't been great, mostly due to some personal shocks😁 but it's still nothing compared to how things used to be... I haven't touched antidepressants in about eight months now... though, to be fair, while I was on them, I felt 100% fine... but I can't help feeling like this shadow will follow me for the rest of my life... and then I'll just be cycling through medications indefinitely😁 ...because it isn't something you can just "live with"—at least not for me, not when the doses are that high🙄 ...it’s like trying to tell someone with fourth-degree burns (forgive my graphic imagery😵 ) who is basically living on morphine because the pain is too much that they should just "deal with it" and enjoy life... except this kind of pain is invisible... or maybe it's even more intense

Yeah... I know I need to find a new psychiatrist... but honestly, I just don't have the energy to go through that whole process all over again. Maybe one day, maybe not... 😛

Hmm... one apple a day... 5'11" and 110 lbs... that puts your BMI at 15.3. Anything under 18 (or even 17) is clinically considered anorexia... so seriously, props to you for surviving that!!!! 👍 😘 And the fact that you lived on nothing but apples 😍 man, I get it...

My first depressive episode hit back around 2000-2002, then it flared up in '03 and '04, and then again in 2005... things seemed to pick up a bit during the spring and summer of 2006... but then everything crashed again last fall. It just won't quit 😢

That’s the real issue—this stuff isn't "visible." Unless you actually try to end it all, people don't take it seriously... damn it...

I'm glad you're feeling better today, and I really hope it stays that way 🙂

Hope you have a good one 😘

Ugh, school starts tomorrow and the anxiety is hitting me so hard 👎 I can't even sleep... just straight up insomnia 😢 My biggest worry is that I don't know anyone. Everyone else seems to have already found their cliques during freshman year, and now I'm showing up late because I took a gap year... I mean, I’m usually pretty social and good at meeting people, but still... I'm terrified 🙄

I haven't done much all year (hardly went out at all) and now, all of a sudden, I have to sit in a packed lecture hall every single day with total strangers (oh, did I mention I'm a bit claustrophobic? I always feel like I can't breathe, but everyone else is freezing so they keep closing the windows...)

Fuck. I just need to be brave... it'll be fine, right? It's probably just in my head...

Stupid anxiety and depression and whatever 👎

Anne, I’m actually planning on heading back to university after being away for a few years... It isn't that I don't know anyone there, per se, it's just that everyone else seems to be so much younger than me now.... hahaha

George Garcia9, I know how psychiatrists talk... when they say you're being "lazy," what they really mean is that there isn't some magic pill that’s just gonna fix everything for you. Like, there's no such thing. You actually have to put in the work yourself... try to push yourself toward doing what's good for you. And as for therapy drugs? Those are basically just long-term meds that take like 20 to 30 days before you even notice a tiny shift. Plus, half of them have such nasty side effects that sometimes it feels like the damage outweighs the benefits...

Good luck, cosmicmaker6 🙂. For me, the younger kids are only two years behind now... but everyone already knows each other...

It’s honestly pathetic how I have zero desire to meet new people, talk to them, or whatever else...
Today was just exhausting. I’m sitting there in lectures and I can't focus on anything because my brain is just screaming, "I can't do this, I'm going to lose my mind, I need to hit the restroom 😛 , I am NOT writing these stupid essays..." and I start wondering... why the hell am I even at college? 😕 What's the point? I have no drive... for anything.

When I was studying for the entrance exams, I was so motivated and happy when I actually got in, but now... all day long I've just been telling myself: "Better to be at school than stuck at home all day." But it doesn't help.

I feel so miserable. Part of me just wants to quit everything, but... what kind of job am I going to get with just a high school diploma? Besides, I'm going to be depressed and anxious no matter what I do with my life, so right now I'm just fantasizing about suicide, and it actually makes things feel easier (in a dark sort of way). 😢

Donna Sullivan7, I really am trying to stay optimistic and put in the effort... but this depression just hits me out of nowhere. 👎

Anyway.... I'm totally screwed.... 😢

George Garcia9 said:Good luck, cosmicmaker6 🙂. For me, the younger kids are only two years behind now... but everyone already knows each other...

It’s honestly pathetic how I have zero desire to meet new people, talk to them, or whatever else...
Today was just exhausting. I’m sitting there in lectures and I can't focus on anything because my brain is just screaming, "I can't do this, I'm going to lose my mind, I need to hit the restroom 😛 , I am NOT writing these stupid essays..." and I start wondering... why the hell am I even at college? 😕 What's the point? I have no drive... for anything.

When I was studying for the entrance exams, I was so motivated and happy when I actually got in, but now... all day long I've just been telling myself: "Better to be at school than stuck at home all day." But it doesn't help.

I feel so miserable. Part of me just wants to quit everything, but... what kind of job am I going to get with just a high school diploma? Besides, I'm going to be depressed and anxious no matter what I do with my life, so right now I'm just fantasizing about suicide, and it actually makes things feel easier (in a dark sort of way). 😢

Donna Sullivan7, I really am trying to stay optimistic and put in the effort... but this depression just hits me out of nowhere. 👎

Anyway.... I'm totally screwed.... 😢

Oh, come on, you haven't even given it a shot! You never know—you might actually cross paths with someone who truly clicks with you, or perhaps even spark a lifelong friendship from a simple introduction. Don't be so cynical about everything; please, just try... if you're willing? Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? If someone is a couple of years younger than me, who cares?😛 Well, if they were ten years younger, what am I supposed to do, sit around and cry? It's hardly my fault I didn't want to limit myself strictly to my own age group. I actually have a close friend I met online who is younger than me, yet we get along so perfectly it feels like we've known each other for ten thousand years...🙂 Sending love, and just keep moving forward.

thanks 🙂 so I met two people today :klap:

I’m trying not to be a total pessimist, but honestly... it feels stupid even posting on this forum and dumping my nonsense on everyone. Part of me just wants to log out, shut down my blog, give up on everything, and just jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. 😢

I am so sick of myself and constantly talking—well, typing—about all the mess in my head. You know how Americans say it: "get over yourself!!!" I feel like such a pathetic loser, and I'm just not used to being this center of attention with all my drama...

I don't know. My brain is just pure chaos right now... 🙄

Thanks for the kind words, I truly wish you nothing but the best 😘

http://www.depresija.org/forum/index.php

Here is a link where you might actually find some answers to whatever you're dealing with. From what I can gather, it sounds like social anxiety is what's weighing on you, and there is plenty of information regarding that over there. It really doesn't cost you anything to take a look. There is a decent amount of advice available, people sharing their own experiences with depression and various other struggles, and most importantly, they offer one another a massive amount of support.
Good luck!

My alarm goes off at 7:00 AM, and honestly? My head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. Every single morning, my first thought is just, "Do I really have to go to work today?" To be fair, my job isn't actually bad. My coworkers are great, the environment is solid, and once I actually get into the flow of things, that heavy feeling usually lifts. But man, getting there is the battle. A thousand different thoughts race through my mind, all trying to figure out how to dodge the day—how to dodge life itself. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but there’s this deep-seated dread, like I'm bracing for some disaster that isn't even coming. That’s just what it feels like on a good day. On the days when the attacks hit—the ones that landed me on medication—it's a different story. I find myself sprinting to the restroom every five minutes at work just so I can break down and cry. It’s the worst. These sudden bouts of choking sensations and uncontrollable sobbing come out of nowhere. It’s terrifying. Being alone at home is hard enough, but when it hits you in public? When those dark thoughts and panic attacks strike out of thin air while you're surrounded by people? I end up having to make these awkward excuses about having "personal issues" just so I can run away. Before I started therapy, things were even more brutal. Whenever an attack hit me while I was alone at home, suicidal ideation would immediately rush in as the only way to escape the pain. I haven't struggled with those specific thoughts in a long time, but the pain? The pain is still there, and it's intense.
So, yeah. That’s pretty much my reality living with depression.

hollowotter88 said:http://www.depresija.org/forum/index.php

Here is a link where you might actually find some answers to whatever you're dealing with. From what I can gather, it sounds like social anxiety is what's weighing on you, and there is plenty of information regarding that over there. It really doesn't cost you anything to take a look. There is a decent amount of advice available, people sharing their own experiences with depression and various other struggles, and most importantly, they offer one another a massive amount of support.
Good luck!

thanks🙂 I've actually been on that forum before, or at least scrolled through it a bit...

I don't know, maybe it is social anxiety (not really sure what that entails exactly), but honestly, I HAVE plenty of friends and making new connections isn't the hard part for me 😁 it's more that I worry ahead of time about EVERYTHING lol, even things that objectively aren't an issue... whatever 😛

Nicole Davis7 said:My alarm goes off at 7:00 AM, and honestly? My head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. Every single morning, my first thought is just, "Do I really have to go to work today?" To be fair, my job isn't actually bad. My coworkers are great, the environment is solid, and once I actually get into the flow of things, that heavy feeling usually lifts. But man, getting there is the battle. A thousand different thoughts race through my mind, all trying to figure out how to dodge the day—how to dodge life itself. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but there’s this deep-seated dread, like I'm bracing for some disaster that isn't even coming. That’s just what it feels like on a good day. On the days when the attacks hit—the ones that landed me on medication—it's a different story. I find myself sprinting to the restroom every five minutes at work just so I can break down and cry. It’s the worst. These sudden bouts of choking sensations and uncontrollable sobbing come out of nowhere. It’s terrifying. Being alone at home is hard enough, but when it hits you in public? When those dark thoughts and panic attacks strike out of thin air while you're surrounded by people? I end up having to make these awkward excuses about having "personal issues" just so I can run away. Before I started therapy, things were even more brutal. Whenever an attack hit me while I was alone at home, suicidal ideation would immediately rush in as the only way to escape the pain. I haven't struggled with those specific thoughts in a long time, but the pain? The pain is still there, and it's intense.
So, yeah. That’s pretty much my reality living with depression.

I don't even know what to say to you, sweetie. It's pretty much the same for me, just at college. 😛In the middle of a lecture, I'll stand up, head to the restroom, and just break down crying....

And every morning, it's a fifty-fifty shot whether I'll actually get out of bed or just skip class. 😁Which sucks because under this credit system, we aren't allowed to miss anything. 👎

What kind of meds are you on?

I really hope things start looking up for you.😘

There are certain universities out there that "intentionally" foster that kind of chaotic atmosphere—mostly because they’re totally disorganized and just cram way too many students into their programs...
Honestly, if you truly believe you're sick (instead of just realizing you're studying the wrong subject at the wrong school), maybe it’s time to find a new doctor! If your current one hasn't been able to actually help you resolve this by now, it might be worth a change...

Anxious, damn it, nobody gets me... I went to see a psychiatrist on my own initiative today... he prescribed some pills, but I’m not exactly thrilled with him.. blah, blah... anyway... I have this gut feeling that I need to find a girl who deals with the same anxiety, or at least has in the past. This one doesn't understand a thing about what I'm going through—she just ends up getting on my nerves... I'm 28, by the way.
I think we’d be a perfect match... tons of common ground🙂....and understanding, obviously, regarding everything we're dealing with...
Has anyone else ever thought about doing something like this?

And you, George Garcia9... you really ought to switch that "so-called" psychiatrist who doesn't get you and just irritates you. We have to remember they're just people too... they don't necessarily know everything or grasp every single detail...

Lawrence Bishop14 said:There are certain universities out there that "intentionally" foster that kind of chaotic atmosphere—mostly because they’re totally disorganized and just cram way too many students into their programs...
Honestly, if you truly believe you're sick (instead of just realizing you're studying the wrong subject at the wrong school), maybe it’s time to find a new doctor! If your current one hasn't been able to actually help you resolve this by now, it might be worth a change...

Yeah, sure, blame the university, blame the whole credit system, 😠 but look, I actually LOVE what I'm studying. Honestly, I'd rather stay home and study all day and maybe show up to two lectures a week... unfortunately, my school doesn't allow for that kind of independent study 👎

And as for the doctor? Yeah, I know, I need to find a new one....

electricgardener17 said:Anxious, damn it, nobody gets me... I went to see a psychiatrist on my own initiative today... he prescribed some pills, but I’m not exactly thrilled with him.. blah, blah... anyway... I have this gut feeling that I need to find a girl who deals with the same anxiety, or at least has in the past. This one doesn't understand a thing about what I'm going through—she just ends up getting on my nerves... I'm 28, by the way.
I think we’d be a perfect match... tons of common ground🙂....and understanding, obviously, regarding everything we're dealing with...
Has anyone else ever thought about doing something like this?

And you, George Garcia9... you really ought to switch that "so-called" psychiatrist who doesn't get you and just irritates you. We have to remember they're just people too... they don't necessarily know everything or grasp every single detail...

he he, is that your way of hitting on someone? 😉 just kidding, but unfortunately, I think that "two wrongs don't make a right" rule applies here. If you had a crappy girlfriend, you'd both just spend the whole day miserable together... misery loves company 😛 I don't know...

I hope you feel better soon... what kind of meds did they give you?

I knooooow... I need to find a new psychiatrist.. but I just DON'T FEEL LIKE going through the whole process all over again.. but if I have to, I will 🙄

hang in there 😘

I’m currently on half a dose of Zoloft twice a day and one Paxil pill three times daily—anyone else here running a similar combo?
And honestly, I’d love to see someone who actually made it through to the other side post something on these boards for once... everyone seems to jump on here only when things are hitting the fan. It would be incredibly helpful to hear some success stories instead of just the constant struggle...

So... I don't have an official diagnosis. I’ve never seen a psychologist, and no one has ever told me I have depression or anxiety. I just figured it out on my own by reading other people's stories and descriptions online. I know I struggle with depression, though I feel like everyone hits a low point at some point... I also experience what I call attacks, mostly because I don't know what else to call them. I'll be standing on a subway, feeling perfectly fine, just lost in thought, when suddenly tears start welling up. My breathing gets heavy, and I start wondering what on earth is wrong with me. Nothing happened, and I tell myself to calm down, but it just won't work. It eventually passes, but the heavy feeling lingers. On top of that, I deal with an eating disorder; I tend to binge, sometimes to comfort myself and sometimes for no reason at all.

I spend a lot of time reflecting on myself, trying to find answers. Even when I find them, I realize I can't fix this alone. I haven't really considered medication, because I don't want to feel numb... I try my best to manage it. When the depression hits, I'll reach out to a friend for coffee, go to work, take a ride on the train, or head to the mall. Actually, sometimes I just go to a large Target and slowly walk through the aisles with a cart. That calms me down. Or I'll just go for a walk. I just don't allow myself to be left alone when I'm feeling like this.

My perception of myself is distorted. My weight has fluctuated wildly over the last few years. I managed to lose a significant amount of weight, yet I still saw myself the exact same way. It actually started to bother me when people would tell me how great I looked or how much more attractive I had become.

I didn't get to finish my thought yesterday because I had to rush out, and I really didn't want to lose everything I'd already typed. Though, looking at this thread, it feels like nobody's actually reading it anyway. Oh well...

Anyway, what I really wanted to get off my chest—at least for now—is this constant fear of looking foolish. It holds me back in so many situations, especially when meeting new people, and even with friends I actually get along with. I just can't seem to fully relax and be myself, mostly because I'm terrified that who I am isn't quite good enough. I know the root cause of why I feel this way, but knowing it doesn't exactly help me fix the problem...

My question is: should I be looking for a therapist or some kind of professional help, and if so, where? Or if not, how do I handle this? Is this just a normal thing to deal with, or...?