Living with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder

Hey there!!😉

I’m still pushing through and refusing to back down... Regarding the doctor, I only saw one once because my specialist couldn't make it... :-( He’s just a GP, but he really knows his stuff—you can tell he's got years of experience under his belt!!
Unfortunately, I've only been in that office once, but even so, that single visit wasn't some "magic bullet" epiphany. He believes this is an incredibly long process, something we have to work on every single day and every single moment, mostly on our own... because at the end of the day, we're the ones best equipped to help ourselves since we know our own minds better than anyone else!! The answers and solutions lie within all of us; we just have to dig deep, though it certainly helps to have someone to lean on, whoever that may be!!!!
Keep busy, keep the brain occupied!!! That's my goal every day, along with trying to study, even though those are the toughest moments for me—the actual learning part. That's when my mind starts racing and my brain just shuts down, so right now I’m signing up for some audio learning; I don't have any other choice...
I hit a total wall with college and everything else—just complete mental fog!!! I couldn't retain a single thing. It's a bit better now, but I still have zero concentration compared to what I used to have. But hey, slowly but surely, I've stopped beating myself up about being stuck in place. I know it's happening because of other underlying issues weighing on my subconscious, but as I get "stronger" day by day, hopefully, the studying will start feeling easier... hehe☕
Anyway, write whenever you can and make sure to get some rest. You can't always be "on" and grinding, but you can always be "on" and in control of yourself, which is what actually matters....👍

Ugh, girl, I seriously had such a massive depressive episode yesterday 😢 😢 😢 I don't even know why... I just totally snapped. I was just numb, crying my eyes out, feeling like I couldn't even go on 😁 and obviously, I just binged on cookies all night 🙄 Anyway... I woke up today and it's actually sunny out. I need to pull myself together.. I have to head over to study for my midterm tomorrow.. trying to act "normal".. and then tomorrow I have plans to go out too, so I have to be all bubbly and stuff, blah blah.... when honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed all day, smoke, and blast Amy Winehouse ☕

You said it, I second everything 👍

What are you studying?

Hang in there, sending love 😘

Hey George Garcia9!!!!!!

You’ve been totally MIA from the forum lately.... does that mean you’re actually feeling better?? How have things been going these past few days?? I really hope you're staying away because you're finally recovering... haha... because honestly, I am not... I feel absolutely terrible... just sitting here nursing this headache all by myself....

Anyway, just hit me up whenever you catch this post...
Love ya, kiss kiss

Jamie Martin37 said:Hey George Garcia9!!!!!!

You’ve been totally MIA from the forum lately.... does that mean you’re actually feeling better?? How have things been going these past few days?? I really hope you're staying away because you're finally recovering... haha... because honestly, I am not... I feel absolutely terrible... just sitting here nursing this headache all by myself....

Anyway, just hit me up whenever you catch this post...
Love ya, kiss kiss

and Maca 😢 sorry you're feeling so crappy..

I'm not doing any better either lol. I read the forum but I can't even bring myself to type anything.. I've been crying a lot lately too.. on the phone to friends, even in front of my parents and brother lol. Right now I'm in that "should I stay or should I go" phase, he he, I just want to end it all but they won't let me, they're forcing me into some new therapy and hopefully some psychiatrist who will actually give me MEDS because this depression is unbearable 👎 At college I feel like a total idiot because I can't keep up, I don't want to keep up, I don't want to study statistics, and I sure as hell don't want to write papers.... is there a smiley face here for hysterical crying? lol 😛

But why are you crying, Maca? Is there some specific "reason" you can point to, or do you just start sobbing for no reason at all?

Big kisses!!! 😘

George Garcia9 said:and Maca 😢 sorry you're feeling so crappy..

I'm not doing any better either lol. I read the forum but I can't even bring myself to type anything.. I've been crying a lot lately too.. on the phone to friends, even in front of my parents and brother lol. Right now I'm in that "should I stay or should I go" phase, he he, I just want to end it all but they won't let me, they're forcing me into some new therapy and hopefully some psychiatrist who will actually give me MEDS because this depression is unbearable 👎 At college I feel like a total idiot because I can't keep up, I don't want to keep up, I don't want to study statistics, and I sure as hell don't want to write papers.... is there a smiley face here for hysterical crying? lol 😛

But why are you crying, Maca? Is there some specific "reason" you can point to, or do you just start sobbing for no reason at all?

Big kisses!!! 😘

hehe🤣 .....it just hits me when I'm alone.....and then I just cry until I've cried every last tear... please don't kill yourself!!!!! the world still needs you out here... heh.....😢 lool......

hmm....I cry....I don't really have a reason.....I cry because I'm a mess...I cry because I'm crying for no reason.. haha....I'm kinda stupid...but whatever🤷 .....it just hits me the same way......and then I'm just in that mood...😲

I honestly feel like crying right now... but I just can't 😂 I already cried my eyes out on Monday... it was brutal 😛

I finally got my referral for a psychologist and a new psychiatrist. Now comes the part where I actually have to call them and show up... and god, I just don't have the energy. But I know I have to, otherwise I'm going to end up 🙂

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? 😍 Because I am going to nag you about it until you actually go 🙂 or until you miraculously (fingers crossed!) start feeling better on your own!!!!

George Garcia9 said:Alright, look, based on the self-help books I've actually read, I can recommend a few things:

"Depression: How to Escape Your Own Prison" by Dorothy Rowe

"Awareness" by Anthony de Mello

"The power of your subconscious" by Joseph Murphy

"live your whole life" by Norman Vincent Peale

"power of intention" by Wayne Dyer

That first one about depression is great; it makes you look at yourself and the root causes of how you're feeling in a totally different way. The second one is awesome too because it kind of snaps you out of that self-pity loop (plus it's short 😉 I have it as a PDF, so if you DM me, I can email it to you)

As for the last three, they’re a bit "New Age," but I actually love that stuff, haha. It’s basically that philosophy of "think positive and tell yourself 'I CAN DO THIS' before bed." It really helped me get moving and start believing in myself back when I was dealing with massive anxiety and zero confidence... so, head to the library, and if you stumble upon any other good ones, let me know 🙂

It's a shame you aren't comfortable with English, because there are some really solid recovery sites out there—at least they seem that way to me...

You know what? The most important thing is that you actually like this psychologist! That matters so much!! You need to feel comfortable talking to her and knowing she's actually listening. Everything is in our heads anyway, and until we realize that (and say it out loud), nothing changes... just go see her. There might be times when it feels like it isn't working, but it will get better. Like you said yourself, nothing fixes overnight 😉

I know bulimia is incredibly tough because it creates this "addiction" to purging (at least that's how I understood it from friends dealing with the same thing). But like you said—this is our fight, and the winner is whoever refuses to quit. And that's us!!!!!!

I think there's a specific thread on the women's forum about bulimia, so maybe reach out to those girls if you haven't already; someone there might have some actual useful advice.

All I can tell you is that old proverb: "Fall seven times, stand up eight!!" Meaning, don't give up and don't hate yourself when you stumble, because it's "normal" that you won't break a habit instantly or overnight. Try telling yourself, "I'm not going to purge for 7 days," make that your life mission, and then REWARD yourself when you succeed. Next time, aim for two weeks, then a month... and if you slip up—get back up and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stop believing in yourself!!! 😉

I think you have a strong enough desire and willpower to fight and win. Just keep fighting and don't quit; it'll be worth it... yeah, it's going to be "bloody" and there will be brutal days... but you've already survived so much, you can handle this 👍

Let me know how it's going. Hope you have a nice (rainy) day 😘

Could you perhaps inform me if that first title ("Depression: How to Escape...") is actually available in local bookstores? I am wondering if it is a recent release or if it is an older volume that might be out of print and difficult to find. Also, do you happen to know who the publisher is?

The publisher is NBC, and since it’s a brand new release, you should be able to track it down at any local bookstore easily. I actually just grabbed a copy from the public library, but if you want to own it, you can pick it up online via www.amazon.com for $50 🙂

So I’ve been scrolling through your posts for a bit, and I can’t help but notice how much everyone here seems to be crying their eyes out. For some reason, I just can't seem to do that—not even before I was on antidepressants, and honestly, not really now that I am either. Is it possible I'm just suppressing everything, or do I actually lack emotions altogether? 😕 While everyone else is having their big emotional breakdowns, I’m just sitting here totally numb 😕 why does it work like this? 🙂
Sometimes I feel like I'm just completely heartless 🤷
Anyone got a smart explanation for this?

Roger Morgan2 said:So I’ve been scrolling through your posts for a bit, and I can’t help but notice how much everyone here seems to be crying their eyes out. For some reason, I just can't seem to do that—not even before I was on antidepressants, and honestly, not really now that I am either. Is it possible I'm just suppressing everything, or do I actually lack emotions altogether? 😕 While everyone else is having their big emotional breakdowns, I’m just sitting here totally numb 😕 why does it work like this? 🙂
Sometimes I feel like I'm just completely heartless 🤷
Anyone got a smart explanation for this?

So, what does that actually feel like for you?

Empty... I don't even know how else to put it... 🤷

Roger Morgan2 said:So I’ve been scrolling through your posts for a bit, and I can’t help but notice how much everyone here seems to be crying their eyes out. For some reason, I just can't seem to do that—not even before I was on antidepressants, and honestly, not really now that I am either. Is it possible I'm just suppressing everything, or do I actually lack emotions altogether? 😕 While everyone else is having their big emotional breakdowns, I’m just sitting here totally numb 😕 why does it work like this? 🙂
Sometimes I feel like I'm just completely heartless 🤷
Anyone got a smart explanation for this?

You aren't heartless. 😘 If you were, you wouldn't need to be on antidepressants in the first place. 😛

I go through phases where I won't cry for six months straight, and then other times I'm practically weeping every single day. 🤷

George Garcia9 said:You aren't heartless. 😘 If you were, you wouldn't need to be on antidepressants in the first place. 😛

I go through phases where I won't cry for six months straight, and then other times I'm practically weeping every single day. 🤷

I feel pretty numb 😵
🤣

But whatever... 😢

Roger Morgan2 said:I feel pretty numb 😵
🤣

But whatever... 😢

It’s just a phase, don't sweat it 😉 you'll have a good long cry when it hits you. Then you'll feel better... hopefully 😍

😢 I honestly don't give a damn
but I am completely screwed. I have no idea what I want out of life. I don't know what to do with myself, my college degree, or my future... I just don't know. I’ve been spiraling again. All I want to do is run until I drop dead, but that takes too long. I want to drop out of this program because I couldn't care less about it, and maybe enroll in something else. Psychology, maybe. Yeah. Psychology. But what if I fail this year? I have zero motivation to study. I have zero motivation to even live. Part of me just wants to end it all, but I'm too much of a coward. A pathetic, terrified coward. I am so done with everything. This empty life, this nothingness, this "everything." This endless daily bullshit, both by myself and with everyone else. I wasn't ready to go back to campus. God... why was I even born??? I need to be locked up in a psych ward. Put me in a hospital, pump me full of meds, and lock me away because I'm going to kill myself sooner or later. I'm going to kill myself, kill myself, kill myself

And it’s freaking snowing outside. God, I hate this damn snow. I can't sleep and I'm on edge. Just pissed off and bloated. To hell with it. I want to run away from here. ESCAPE!!! I hate my life. I hate every single second of it. It's disgusting and filthy. Gross. Gross. Gross.

I'm good for nothing.

🙂

Look, girl. Just brew yourself a decent cup of coffee, light a cigarette, and tell yourself once and for all—nobody in this world is going to come along and save you or fix your head!! If someone calls you fat, who cares? If you think you look bad, then yeah, you probably do. I mean, damn, you got lucky enough to be born and given a shot at life, and here you are just throwing it all away!
Just sit down and write out what actually makes you happy, even if it’s just a Godiva chocolate bar or something.

Start thinking about yourself for once and just love who you are! Seriously, if someone doesn't dig you for being you, they don't belong in your life.
I mean, everyone is out there fighting a million different battles every single day; that's just how life works. But there are so many damn good things around you if you'd just bother to notice.

Just start living differently today. Cut out the stuff that stresses you out and focus on the good stuff. Go hit the gym, paint your nails, buy yourself something little, and just crash in front of the TV with some popcorn and a movie. Who cares what people think? You're enjoying yourself, and honestly, the people who actually matter will want to join in. Just look up from your own head for a second and stop obsessing over these flaws you basically made up yourself!!

Wishing you nothing but the absolute best 🙂 Trust me, I've been there... damn, you just gotta keep grinding every day, and even when it feels like none of it matters, you win because you have to. 😁

Later