Living with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder

Jonathan Richardson22 said:I’ve been battling depression for eight years now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t just "will" your way out of it alone. Sure, you can try to be more outgoing, sign up for a spin class, take some hip-hop dance lessons, or go hiking on the weekends—you can even give yourself a literal slap on the wrist every time you catch yourself staring at a wall for hours while blasting the same playlist on loop—but none of that actually touches the core issue. You could devour every single self-help book in the local library, too, but honestly? You need something much more heavy-duty to actually kick this thing to the curb. We're talking about something closer to a total brain reprogramming—something that forces you to stop following those broken, destructive patterns once and for all...🤷

true👍 I tend to lay out my plans quite meticulously—making promises to God, to myself, and to everyone dear to me—only for some inner demon to rear its head and sabotage everything. I do it almost intentionally, which is the worst part, because it truly breaks my heart. I suppose I’ve grown accustomed to discomfort; I find myself strangely afraid of actual comfort... brain reprogramming sounds like a solid idea. Depression is such a grim, dark, and heavy thing—some people even fear it simply because of its sheer weight. It feels like there should be a reason for it, yet there often isn't; you feel like a perfectly normal person, just perpetually dissatisfied, gripped by this unrealistic anxiety—all the usual suspects, really. I try to tackle it from every angle, but it has taken a significant toll on my soul—leaving me feeling weathered and worn. Depression is a nasty business. I think I'll become a staunch advocate for positive thinking, even though negative thought patterns feel more familiar and, in a twisted way, more comfortable. But this lifelessness? It's unbearable. So, I'm aiming for more lightheartedness and ease—even if I am a walking contradiction, given how much I actually crave the intensity and raw strength of emotions, even the dark ones...

Jonathan Richardson22 said:I’ve been battling depression for eight years now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t just "will" your way out of it alone. Sure, you can try to be more outgoing, sign up for a spin class, take some hip-hop dance lessons, or go hiking on the weekends—you can even give yourself a literal slap on the wrist every time you catch yourself staring at a wall for hours while blasting the same playlist on loop—but none of that actually touches the core issue. You could devour every single self-help book in the local library, too, but honestly? You need something much more heavy-duty to actually kick this thing to the curb. We're talking about something closer to a total brain reprogramming—something that forces you to stop following those broken, destructive patterns once and for all...🤷

So, how do I actually reprogram my brain?
Because I've realized that no matter how many rock-solid decisions I make—which usually last a day before that "old," shitty version of me wins again—it's just a constant loop. How do I break out? What actually works? Because, let's be real, willpower isn't cutting it anymore. Not even close.🤷

I almost had another episode the other day. I’ve realized they tend to hit whenever things start slipping out of my control, which is tough because I really value having everything under management. Right before it escalated, I actually anticipated what was coming. As the tears started welling up, I tried to talk myself down, saying things like, "What is happening? Stop it. Why are you crying? There's no reason for this..." (I can't recall the rest). Somehow, I managed to calm myself down before it fully took over. I'm counting it as a small victory... and I truly hope I can keep making progress like this. I am certainly going to try my best.

Hey... figured I’d join the conversation for a bit. I really want to get back to feeling like myself again.

The thing is, nothing really hits the spot anymore—I just feel completely numb. The only time I actually feel anything is when I'm getting worked up or stressed out. Everything else? Nothing. Like, I'll go shopping after working my tail off to earn some extra cash at 🙂 Target, and even then, I can barely find the energy to try anything on. Movies, hitting the theater, grabbing coffee, nights out with the girls... nothing. And this hasn't just been a bad day; it's been going on for a while now.
I used to be the type to believe life is about those little moments of joy and making the most of every second, but I just don't feel any of that anymore. It's exhausting.

What hurts most is that I actually used to have the drive. I tried to push myself, to get moving—but because I kept slipping up (even after making progress...), I've lost all faith in myself. I don't believe I can change anymore. It feels like this emptiness is just... set in stone.

It’s scary. I’m terrified that life is passing me by while I’m just sitting here, not actually living it.
My sleep is a mess, I don't wake up feeling good, and there isn't even a specific reason for it. I know I have the potential to do great things, to be happy, to actually succeed... but right now, there's just nothing there.

Have any of you dealt with this? How did you get through it? I could really use some help.

I tend to fall head over heels, which sends me straight into this euphoric high—only to crash hard into a depression once reality sets in and I realize that love isn't some permanent fixture, when what I’m actually craving is something lasting and secure.😁 It’s a cycle where I keep rediscovering my own addiction to romance, and then the low hits because, frankly, being dependent on something so volatile isn't healthy... in essence, I find myself cycling through these bouts of lethargy, hysteria, and pure euphoria quite frequently—perhaps it's all perfectly normal, though I suspect my heart takes quite a beating in the process.😲

Douglas King9 said:Hey... figured I’d join the conversation for a bit. I really want to get back to feeling like myself again.

The thing is, nothing really hits the spot anymore—I just feel completely numb. The only time I actually feel anything is when I'm getting worked up or stressed out. Everything else? Nothing. Like, I'll go shopping after working my tail off to earn some extra cash at 🙂 Target, and even then, I can barely find the energy to try anything on. Movies, hitting the theater, grabbing coffee, nights out with the girls... nothing. And this hasn't just been a bad day; it's been going on for a while now.
I used to be the type to believe life is about those little moments of joy and making the most of every second, but I just don't feel any of that anymore. It's exhausting.

What hurts most is that I actually used to have the drive. I tried to push myself, to get moving—but because I kept slipping up (even after making progress...), I've lost all faith in myself. I don't believe I can change anymore. It feels like this emptiness is just... set in stone.

It’s scary. I’m terrified that life is passing me by while I’m just sitting here, not actually living it.
My sleep is a mess, I don't wake up feeling good, and there isn't even a specific reason for it. I know I have the potential to do great things, to be happy, to actually succeed... but right now, there's just nothing there.

Have any of you dealt with this? How did you get through it? I could really use some help.

I might be able to wrap my head around what you’re going through. But when you're battling depression, those kinds of feelings are unfortunately just part of the territory. What might actually help you right now is finding someone who is walking the same path and just sharing that weight with them.

I’ve been through something remarkably similar, though my approach was a bit different—instead of stepping back, I kept forcing myself to push through. Looking back, that might have actually made things worse. Whenever people tried to offer me those little platitudes or words of comfort, it felt less like genuine empathy and more like they were just trying to shut me up so they could move on. It felt patronizing, honestly. These days, I’m on antidepressants and I'm working through everything in therapy. Even when it feels like my doctor is just talking nonsense, I have to accept that there's a lot going on with my nervous system that is simply beyond my conscious control.

When it comes to sex, I honestly couldn't care less anymore. Those girlfriends I used to be so close with—the ones I once shared everything with—have become a total drag. Now, we just grab a coffee maybe once a month, and that’s about it. It's exhausting because I feel like there's nothing left to actually talk about; they always have some snappy comeback or an answer for everything, which just leaves me feeling like an idiot.
How did I get past it? Honestly, I didn't. I just accepted it for what it was. I’ve come to terms with how things are and focused on whatever small amount of agency I actually have left. I try to dwell on the good parts of life whenever I can and just do whatever feels right for me in the moment.
Just some advice for you: be careful about who you let into your inner circle. I get the impression you’re the kind of person who naturally wants to step up, help others out, and basically take the hits so they don't have to. But you can't do that indefinitely. Don't worry, though—it takes a while to settle, but you’ll start feeling more like yourself again eventually. Honestly, it takes real courage to be this vulnerable and actually ask for help. By being open about what you're going through, you're helping me, you're helping everyone else struggling with depression, and I truly hope that we can all find a way to help you, too.

So, I just started seeing a psychiatrist, and they put me on half a pill of Zoloft and twice-a-day Helex at 0.25mg. Honestly? Everything has gone downhill since the Zoloft hit my system. I can’t sleep a wink at night, I’m constantly on edge, and my hands and feet won't stop sweating. It feels like I’m being suffocated, plus there’s this constant stabbing sensation in my chest and my spine is absolutely killing me. I called my doctor, and her big solution was to just bump up the Helex and move the Zoloft to the morning. Is that actually a good call? It feels like I’m just piling on more pills while everything gets worse and worse... and honestly, I don't even feel like the Helex is doing anything at all.😕

Thomas Bishop64 said:I might be able to wrap my head around what you’re going through. But when you're battling depression, those kinds of feelings are unfortunately just part of the territory. What might actually help you right now is finding someone who is walking the same path and just sharing that weight with them.

I’ve been through something remarkably similar, though my approach was a bit different—instead of stepping back, I kept forcing myself to push through. Looking back, that might have actually made things worse. Whenever people tried to offer me those little platitudes or words of comfort, it felt less like genuine empathy and more like they were just trying to shut me up so they could move on. It felt patronizing, honestly. These days, I’m on antidepressants and I'm working through everything in therapy. Even when it feels like my doctor is just talking nonsense, I have to accept that there's a lot going on with my nervous system that is simply beyond my conscious control.

When it comes to sex, I honestly couldn't care less anymore. Those girlfriends I used to be so close with—the ones I once shared everything with—have become a total drag. Now, we just grab a coffee maybe once a month, and that’s about it. It's exhausting because I feel like there's nothing left to actually talk about; they always have some snappy comeback or an answer for everything, which just leaves me feeling like an idiot.
How did I get past it? Honestly, I didn't. I just accepted it for what it was. I’ve come to terms with how things are and focused on whatever small amount of agency I actually have left. I try to dwell on the good parts of life whenever I can and just do whatever feels right for me in the moment.
Just some advice for you: be careful about who you let into your inner circle. I get the impression you’re the kind of person who naturally wants to step up, help others out, and basically take the hits so they don't have to. But you can't do that indefinitely. Don't worry, though—it takes a while to settle, but you’ll start feeling more like yourself again eventually. Honestly, it takes real courage to be this vulnerable and actually ask for help. By being open about what you're going through, you're helping me, you're helping everyone else struggling with depression, and I truly hope that we can all find a way to help you, too.

Thanks for saying that, seriously. I honestly don't know what to do. One night I'll decide I'm changing my life—finally getting organized, trying to pull myself together, not letting everything get to me—and then
the next morning rolls around and it's back to square one. "I'll start tomorrow," and so on. I don't know if I'm just a coward or what. Do I actually need help, maybe medication? This whole thing doesn't make sense anymore. I thought I could handle it on my own, but I fail every single time. I'm completely discouraged. My motivation is at zero; I feel like I've lost control over my own life. I feel like a doll wearing a fake smile. I'm sweating through my clothes from the sheer stress of it. I don't know. Really.

Douglas King9, I’m right there with you. I'm on antidepressants myself, but everything still feels like a total wreck and I just don't know how to fix it... I'm at a loss 🙂
Does anyone have any actual advice? I can't pull myself out of this on my own. My psychiatrist isn't helping, the meds aren't doing squat... 🙂

Honestly, I feel you. It’s frustrating—really frustrating—when I can't seem to just force myself into gear. I let that feeling of being stuck pull me right back under every single time. Eventually, that self-directed anger turns into pure frustration, then deep depression, and before I know it, I'm dealing with stress and literal physical anxiety.
For those of you who actually made it out on the other side—how did you do it? What was the internal dialogue? What kept you pushing until it finally became second nature—that moment where it stops being a struggle and just becomes an automatic habit?
I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today felt like a total reset, a fresh start, and then I went and blew it all again. Honestly, at this point, I don't even trust my own "new beginnings" anymore... hugs.

Relaxing tracks (Alan Turing, Eric Clapton), a pet, or maybe just a pretty picture


For anyone out there feeling a little down, I think this little guy might just be enough to pull a smile out of you...🙂

electricgardener17 said:I’m currently on half a dose of Zoloft twice a day and one Paxil pill three times daily—anyone else here running a similar combo?
And honestly, I’d love to see someone who actually made it through to the other side post something on these boards for once... everyone seems to jump on here only when things are hitting the fan. It would be incredibly helpful to hear some success stories instead of just the constant struggle...

There are plenty of people who have recovered.
They probably just don't come back to these kinds of forums once they're okay...🙂

It is curable... once one thing starts heading in the right direction, everything else starts unravelling too.
Bit by bit, the illness just fades away...👋

I’ve spiraled back into a depression again... For a while, things were actually "okay." I started college, met some new people, was actually going out, studying, even trying to stick to a diet... 🙂

And now everything is back to how it used to be. The big question is "what's the point?" Life feels completely pointless... etc. My birthday is coming up soon and it's just one more thing to stress about. I usually celebrate it—even if the last two years have been absolute garbage—but this year, I just can't deal. Honestly, I’d rather not even exist, let alone "celebrate." I'll put on a nice outfit, do my makeup, and invite friends over to "have fun," but the whole thing is just an act for their sake. Inside, I'll be suffering just like the last few years, just counting down the minutes until it's over... 🙄 😢

I was supposed to go out today, but I hit a wall and ended up making up an excuse that I was sick... 👎 I just don't have the energy to leave the house. I'd much rather stay home all day and write papers for school (just enough so I don't feel like a total loser scrolling through social media, but at least I'm doing something "productive").

This damn depression 😠 why does it keep coming back????

Anne, maybe there’s something deep down in your life that you’re just not happy with? Just something to chew on... and if you feel like venting about it here, we’re listening. Cutting friends out isn't the answer. Honestly, I haven't even stepped foot outside my house for a while because my anxiety had me totally stuck... until last night. I finally got out with the crew, just laughing and dancing, and man, I was over the moon. It felt like a much-needed release valve. Maybe you need to find your own version of that to let all this depression out 😉

Yeah, I am. Honestly, I’m just dissatisfied with life IN GENERAL. I don't even know how to put it into words... realistically, I have the power to fix my own life and make things good, and lately, I actually have been trying to do that. But whenever the depression hits, I start spiraling about the meaning of existence, and I always end up concluding that life is pointless and nothing more than a massive hassle 😠

And of course, I'm unhappy with my weight, too. I hate myself every single time I eat something (right now I'm in one of those anorexic phases where I won't touch food, though there's also that other phase where I just binge 😛 ))

I'm glad you went out and had fun 👍

For me, it's just that I recently told myself I was going to "fight back"—you know, try to act normal despite everything feeling meaningless; go to college, go out, celebrate my birthday... but now all of it feels like some kind of performance. Like I'm just doing it all to look normal to everyone else. In reality, I've totally messed up my life (honestly, I was a complete wreck in high school 😁) and I don't even feel guilty about not going out regularly anymore... I want to go to my classes at NYU despite the stress because it keeps me busy enough all day that I don't have time to eat 😍 but I just don't feel like celebrating my birthday... for what???

And yeah, I'm anxious. My mom was away on a business trip for two days and I spent the entire time freaking out about whether she'd make it back safely, because I'm terrified of car accidents 🙄 Everything turned out fine, obviously...

Your cat in the picture is so cute, kisses 😘

Please don't come for me all at once, but have you actually considered faith?
For me, faith was what pulled me out of the gutter. It broke through the emotional walls I had built up around myself, and slowly, I began to notice the beauty in this world again—which isn't easy when you're constantly bombarded by all the garbage happening every single day. I’m not some religious fanatic, but I truly believe we all crave a sense of purpose. Faith provides that purpose for me...
Good luck.😛

Thanks 😍
Honestly, ever since I started posting about all the crap I’m dealing with, I’ve actually been feeling a bit better. You should try hitting up an aerobics class or something where you can just go wild and vent all that negative energy... I'm planning on starting aerobics this Monday 😉
As for any actual expert advice, I don't have much to offer since I'm just starting my own journey of tackling anxiety and panic attacks. There are a few people on here (check out the anxiety thread) who might be able to help you more out—Sweet Child O' Mine and Taylor Swift have both been through the wringer and really know their stuff 😉
That's all I've got for now...

I thought I might chime in as well...
I went through some very similar struggles as George Garcia9...
In essence, my experience followed a pretty much identical path...

You find that nothing truly sparks any joy anymore, and you’re just drifting through these repetitive daily routines that feel like they were pulled straight from a template. Eventually, you realize you’re essentially just getting on your own nerves, aren't you? And that’s not even mentioning the impact on the people around you. I used to have quite a large circle of friends, but I ended up losing touch with many of them; whenever we would run into each other, it was always that awkward situation where people would look at you and think, "Oh, look at him, he's still hanging around."

You fall into this sort of downward spiral, and let me tell you, breaking free from that cycle is incredibly difficult...
From what I've read on this forum, it seems like everyone is looking into psychiatric consultations or trying various medications, which is all perfectly valid. I'm certainly not diminishing anyone else's personal struggle, but I truly believe that sometimes these things can resolve themselves if you take the right approach...
For me, the turning point was deciding to take up kickboxing. That made such a massive, monumental difference in my life. It allowed me to meet entirely new groups of people and actually forced me to put a smile on my face. Now, I'll admit, that smile felt a bit performative and fake at first, but if you constantly present yourself to the world as a negative presence, people will naturally start to distance themselves from you. You become uninteresting to be around. But eventually, that smile starts to come to you naturally...
It isn't an act anymore; it's genuine...

George Garcia9, and everyone else dealing with these kinds of hurdles... the world is actually a wonderful place when you start making the most of it. I don't just mean the basic grind of life—like heading to college, prepping for a seminar, or studying for an exam—but I mean life in its entirety. There is so much untapped potential in every single one of you, regardless of how you currently perceive yourselves...
Try to snap out of it just a little bit and wear that smile; even if you have to fake it for a while to get through the day, eventually, it will become real. You'll start finding new hobbies, discovering new coffee shops, meeting new people, and finding fresh ways to socialize...
Finding love can also be a huge help, can't it? Having someone who loves you unconditionally, someone you can genuinely laugh with every single day...
But of course, those things don't just fall from the sky. Finding something like that is challenging, though certainly not impossible...
The secret really lies in that smile and that spark in your eyes...

My family played a huge role in my recovery. At first, they were obviously being overbearing, constantly hovering and showering me with attention—and yeah, throwing some criticism my way too—but after a while, they finally gave me some breathing room.
The thing that really ate at me was my own inconsistency. I’d decide to start something new, only to lose interest and quit almost immediately, over and over again. It was like I’d make these grand plans, only to have my willpower just evaporate. Nothing seemed to stick, except for mindless TV watching, of course.
But then there's that line from Jose Davis13: "the world is a damn good place once you start taking advantage of it," 🙂 and honestly, he's spot on. I didn't even realize when I had actually healed. It wasn't some sudden epiphany; it was a slow, gradual process, happening at roughly the same pace as the decline itself. I truly believe that once you come out on the other side of depression, your self-confidence ends up being stronger than someone who’s never struggled, and you definitely walk away with more patience than you ever had before.

Jose Davis13 said:I thought I might chime in as well...
I went through some very similar struggles as George Garcia9...
In essence, my experience followed a pretty much identical path...

You find that nothing truly sparks any joy anymore, and you’re just drifting through these repetitive daily routines that feel like they were pulled straight from a template. Eventually, you realize you’re essentially just getting on your own nerves, aren't you? And that’s not even mentioning the impact on the people around you. I used to have quite a large circle of friends, but I ended up losing touch with many of them; whenever we would run into each other, it was always that awkward situation where people would look at you and think, "Oh, look at him, he's still hanging around."

You fall into this sort of downward spiral, and let me tell you, breaking free from that cycle is incredibly difficult...
From what I've read on this forum, it seems like everyone is looking into psychiatric consultations or trying various medications, which is all perfectly valid. I'm certainly not diminishing anyone else's personal struggle, but I truly believe that sometimes these things can resolve themselves if you take the right approach...
For me, the turning point was deciding to take up kickboxing. That made such a massive, monumental difference in my life. It allowed me to meet entirely new groups of people and actually forced me to put a smile on my face. Now, I'll admit, that smile felt a bit performative and fake at first, but if you constantly present yourself to the world as a negative presence, people will naturally start to distance themselves from you. You become uninteresting to be around. But eventually, that smile starts to come to you naturally...
It isn't an act anymore; it's genuine...

George Garcia9, and everyone else dealing with these kinds of hurdles... the world is actually a wonderful place when you start making the most of it. I don't just mean the basic grind of life—like heading to college, prepping for a seminar, or studying for an exam—but I mean life in its entirety. There is so much untapped potential in every single one of you, regardless of how you currently perceive yourselves...
Try to snap out of it just a little bit and wear that smile; even if you have to fake it for a while to get through the day, eventually, it will become real. You'll start finding new hobbies, discovering new coffee shops, meeting new people, and finding fresh ways to socialize...
Finding love can also be a huge help, can't it? Having someone who loves you unconditionally, someone you can genuinely laugh with every single day...
But of course, those things don't just fall from the sky. Finding something like that is challenging, though certainly not impossible...
The secret really lies in that smile and that spark in your eyes...

"FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT"—that's exactly what I do😉 when I'm out at school, out on the town, grabbing coffee... okay, but once I'm home alone...... total depression. 😢 Dammit.

But whatever, I'm not giving up. I'm celebrating my birthday, I'm going to class, and I know I have to work on myself because clearly my therapist isn't doing the trick... so, yeah. Think pink, do your best, and screw the rest. 🙂