What is social intelligence?

placidranger said:it’s not attractive. let's be real.

if someone is sane, they should get that.
honestly, it's happened to me—getting brushed off or even dumped because I acted terrified during an intimate moment.
and while logic suggests being composed is the way to go, I think women can always lean into their femininity to smooth things over, right? 😁

I don't know the specifics. maybe you overreacted, but honestly—in those moments, being adventurous is more feminine than acting frightened. 😁

I think it really goes both ways.
So, I'm definitely not blaming just myself for this.
And the same goes for some terrified kid—he shouldn't walk away thinking there's something wrong with him just because he didn't click with a girl right off the bat.

Walter Myers4 said:That is just ridiculous.
If I wasn't born with it, the last thing I’d ever think about is "learning" how to be some kind of player.
Same goes for other stuff—if I have small breasts, I'm not getting implants, you know what I mean?
If I've got a small dick, I'm not running off for some enlargement procedure.

I don't have that kind of insecurity.
So no, I don't want to "become" a player.
And honestly, I'm too much of a man for all that.

Seriously, read the words one by one. You skipped over the two most important ones—“if I wanted”... to become something... blah blah...
The guy wants to develop qualities he doesn't naturally possess—traits other people just seem to have—so a major part of the process involves observing those people in their "natural habitat" while they actually display those traits.

brightotter7 said:I'm not sure if "social intelligence" is even the right term for this, but feel free to set me straight if I'm off base 🙂

So, look, I'm just not great at navigating group dynamics or picking up on those unspoken social cues. To give you an idea: say I’m out at a bar with my buddies, and I am definitely NOT going to notice if some girl is checking me out. Like, a friend will go, "Hey, she's looking at you," and I'll just stare back totally clueless, wondering why she'd be interested in *me*. Then another friend chimes in and confirms it, and I’m still just sitting there like... what? It's the same deal with all those tiny little signals people throw around in groups. Sometimes I feel like a complete idiot because there's this constant stream of information flying around me and I'm just missing it entirely. I don't really care much about what someone's wearing, what kind of car they drive, or obsessing over every little detail—unless it's actually a juicy story, obviously. I'm not socially awkward or anything; I can hold a conversation and I love a good joke, but I guess I just miss the subtleties.
Anyone else deal with this? How would you even label it? Am I just the guy sitting in the cave planning the strategy while everyone else is busy hunting mammoths? Help!

Seems like your social intelligence is perfectly fine; you just have subpar peripheral awareness. You probably just have too much going on inside your own head to worry about trivial stuff like who's eyeing you or what the neighbor drives. A true tragedy, really.

Walter Myers4 said:I think it really goes both ways.
So, I'm definitely not blaming just myself for this.
And the same goes for some terrified kid—he shouldn't walk away thinking there's something wrong with him just because he didn't click with a girl right off the bat.

Now you're swinging too far in the opposite direction. Sure, it takes two, but a mature, productive response involves owning your part of the equation. You have to identify your own flaws if you actually want to fix them—otherwise, what's the point?

placidranger said:Seriously, read the words one by one. You skipped over the two most important ones—“if I wanted”... to become something... blah blah...
The guy wants to develop qualities he doesn't naturally possess—traits other people just seem to have—so a major part of the process involves observing those people in their "natural habitat" while they actually display those traits.

Sure, though that's a pretty weak way to go about it (just copying the competition).
It's much better to focus on developing and leaning into your own actual competitive advantages.

placidranger said:Now you're swinging too far in the opposite direction. Sure, it takes two, but a mature, productive response involves owning your part of the equation. You have to identify your own flaws if you actually want to fix them—otherwise, what's the point?

The only issue he’s bringing up is that he doesn't notice girls checking him out. Honestly? Maybe I've got that same damn problem myself.

Walter Myers4 said:The only issue he’s bringing up is that he doesn't notice girls checking him out. Honestly? Maybe I've got that same damn problem myself.

That’s not just a problem. It’s an epidemic. 😁

crimsongull20 said:That’s not just a problem. It’s an epidemic. 😁

Yeah. Maybe he's just shy and can't stand being stuck in a crowd. 😁

Walter Myers4 said:Sure, though that's a pretty weak way to go about it (just copying the competition).
It's much better to focus on developing and leaning into your own actual competitive advantages.

Reading this whole back-and-forth, man... even though I definitely side more with what Walter Myers4 is saying, the whole vibe feels like watching two high school football coaches arguing over how to drill their players to maximize their draft stock. It's all about market value, right? Seems to me like maybe we should be using a different language entirely when it comes to the messy, romantic, interpersonal stuff...😁

Walter Myers4 said:Yeah. Maybe he's just shy and can't stand being stuck in a crowd. 😁

Let him reach out once he forgets to say hi to the boss twice in two days... just because he didn't notice her walking by like I did...

Walter Myers4 said:The only issue he’s bringing up is that he doesn't notice girls checking him out. Honestly? Maybe I've got that same damn problem myself.

Damn, yeah—drifted into off-topic territory there.

Anyway, where were we... the patient doesn't feel like part of the group because he’s missing the social cues... hmmm...
He needs to get out of his own head and actually look at what's happening around him. Honestly, the best move would be to start studying non-verbal communication. Pick up some books, observe people, test theories—that kind of thing.

You can't spot something if you don't even realize it exists.
It’s like when you learn a new slang term and suddenly it’s everywhere—in the papers, on TV, in every conversation. Or you decide you want a specific Jeep and suddenly you see them on every street corner. It's just a matter of tuning your perception and opening up those filters. Once you do, you realize how much interesting subtext is hidden in someone's posture, their stance, or just a glance...

To be honest, we don't even truly know how this famous kid behaves. We only ever see him placed in contexts where he is, by definition, overwhelmed. Who knows who he would actually be if he could just be "himself"... And can anyone truly be themselves when they are constantly shaped by their surroundings, their environment, or general sociological pressures? If the situation defines him, then is there any "him" left to define... It raises the question of what his true essence actually is. Is his personality contained within his "room," where anxiety doesn't exist, or does it reside in real life? Is it even possible to carry one's true self into the real world without losing those core traits? We have to assume it's possible; otherwise, half the population would spend their entire lives hiding in a "room" (though some certainly do, I suppose)... Therefore, the kid should try to bridge that gap. He should try it more than once...

placidranger said:Damn, yeah—drifted into off-topic territory there.

Anyway, where were we... the patient doesn't feel like part of the group because he’s missing the social cues... hmmm...
He needs to get out of his own head and actually look at what's happening around him. Honestly, the best move would be to start studying non-verbal communication. Pick up some books, observe people, test theories—that kind of thing.

You can't spot something if you don't even realize it exists.
It’s like when you learn a new slang term and suddenly it’s everywhere—in the papers, on TV, in every conversation. Or you decide you want a specific Jeep and suddenly you see them on every street corner. It's just a matter of tuning your perception and opening up those filters. Once you do, you realize how much interesting subtext is hidden in someone's posture, their stance, or just a glance...

It’s entirely possible they’re just too wrapped up in their own head and their own reactions.

crimsongull20 said:Let him reach out once he forgets to say hi to the boss twice in two days... just because he didn't notice her walking by like I did...

I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about here.

placidranger said:Damn, yeah—drifted into off-topic territory there.

Anyway, where were we... the patient doesn't feel like part of the group because he’s missing the social cues... hmmm...
He needs to get out of his own head and actually look at what's happening around him. Honestly, the best move would be to start studying non-verbal communication. Pick up some books, observe people, test theories—that kind of thing.

You can't spot something if you don't even realize it exists.
It’s like when you learn a new slang term and suddenly it’s everywhere—in the papers, on TV, in every conversation. Or you decide you want a specific Jeep and suddenly you see them on every street corner. It's just a matter of tuning your perception and opening up those filters. Once you do, you realize how much interesting subtext is hidden in someone's posture, their stance, or just a glance...

If they actually focused on "group dynamics," they'd probably notice them... maybe even better than most people do.

I honestly believe you just have to be in the right place at the right time for those doors of opportunity to swing open. It’s all about luck, really—it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how socially savvy you are.

crimsongull20 said:If they actually focused on "group dynamics," they'd probably notice them... maybe even better than most people do.

You can spend three days and nights obsessing over "Where is Jura," but you aren't going to find him unless you actually know what he looks like.

placidranger said:Damn, yeah—drifted into off-topic territory there.

Anyway, where were we... the patient doesn't feel like part of the group because he’s missing the social cues... hmmm...
He needs to get out of his own head and actually look at what's happening around him. Honestly, the best move would be to start studying non-verbal communication. Pick up some books, observe people, test theories—that kind of thing.

You can't spot something if you don't even realize it exists.
It’s like when you learn a new slang term and suddenly it’s everywhere—in the papers, on TV, in every conversation. Or you decide you want a specific Jeep and suddenly you see them on every street corner. It's just a matter of tuning your perception and opening up those filters. Once you do, you realize how much interesting subtext is hidden in someone's posture, their stance, or just a glance...

Look, that's all fine and dandy if you actually GIVE A DAMN about all that nonsense. But what if you don't?
What if you couldn't care less about social dynamics? 😁

Walter Myers4 said:I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about here.

I'm talking about the lack of situational awareness mentioned in the original post.

The example above was my own little disaster. Usually, I don't even notice who's sitting at the next table in a Starbucks or walking past me on the sidewalk, let alone if someone is staring. If I’m treating people's behavior like a play at a theater, sure, I see the reactions... but otherwise? No chance I'd spot a celebrity in a crowd.

crimsongull20 said:I'm talking about the lack of situational awareness mentioned in the original post.

The example above was my own little disaster. Usually, I don't even notice who's sitting at the next table in a Starbucks or walking past me on the sidewalk, let alone if someone is staring. If I’m treating people's behavior like a play at a theater, sure, I see the reactions... but otherwise? No chance I'd spot a celebrity in a crowd.

Yeah. Same here. Honestly, I'm way more wrapped up in my own thoughts than any social dynamics.😁
The only "social dynamic" I care about is making sure I don't accidentally walk into someone while I'm staring at my phone.