What is social intelligence?

I mean, I guess when someone shuts down and gets stuck inside their own head, they’re probably just spiraling through a bunch of negative thoughts...

Kyle Nelson2 said:I mean, I guess when someone shuts down and gets stuck inside their own head, they’re probably just spiraling through a bunch of negative thoughts...

Not necessarily. You have happy introverts and miserable ones—it's not a monolith. The miserable types want to change but can't quite pin down why they're stuck. The happy ones? They couldn't care less about what anyone else thinks.

Walter Myers4 said:Good grief, I totally overdid it.
I mean, obviously, it’s a blast filming yourself just to see if anyone's watching—assuming you don't have anything actually productive to do with your life, anyway. 🤣

Honestly, we could probably just split the entire population into two main camps (unless someone else has already done the math):
1. Introverts (they couldn't care less about social dynamics and wouldn't notice if they were being stared at by some attractive guy/girl) and
2. Extroverts (social dynamics are their whole world; they've basically mastered the art of catching someone else's eye)
😁

I'm not entirely convinced that every single introvert is completely oblivious to being watched... personally, I definitely fall into the introvert camp because the idea of being the center of attention makes me want to crawl under a rock, and when I'm walking down the street, I'm usually lost in my own thoughts, staring at nothing and ignoring everyone, and honestly, my absolute nightmare is running into someone I know on the subway and being forced into small talk—usually, I’ll just hop off at the next stop to escape😳 but, well, when I actually head out to a Starbucks or a pub with my friends, I absolutely notice the stares, mostly because I'm not stuck inside my own head anymore; I'm actually engaging with people, so my focus shifts toward the "prey," if you will😍 though, I suspect the guy who started this thread might actually be thinking about something else entirely even when he's out with his buddies (since he seems way more preoccupied with whatever internal drama he's dealing with than the need to "rate" women nearby), so he's really just physically present there... and I'd bet he isn't even contributing much to the conversation. If he's looking for love, maybe he should try hanging out at a philosophy lecture instead; he'd probably have better luck finding a soulmate there than at some random bar😉

placidranger said:edit:
The "herd mentality" is just primal instinct—people crave that sense of safety and security. Only those with enough self-assurance can afford to stand alone and still feel okay about it.

Those who can't pull that off—myself included—aren't really worth watching... that's about it.

Alright, looks like this topic hit a nerve since you guys have a lot to say. Since I can't get to everyone individually right now, let's clarify: I'm not really talking about low self-esteem causing social isolation here. It's more about just not being interested. As I'm typing this, I accidentally left Zoom on active mode and spent half an hour stuck in some pointless "Hey, how's it going? Good, you?" loop with an acquaintance. To me, that's just scripted small talk that doesn't actually achieve anything. Honestly, I feel like there's way too much communication these days—phones, IMs, chats, whatever 🙂

Anyway, Natch, you've got a point. Growing up, I was rarely part of big social circles, mostly because they felt so sluggish—that whole "if you want to fit in, you have to act like this" mentality. I think I had much higher quality connections with just a few close friends, and those hangouts didn't feel like those forced, cookie-cutter group dynamics.

I also never really dealt with that FOMO feeling where you think you'll miss out on something huge if you don't go out tonight. I was perfectly fine staying home to read or work on something I actually cared about. I guess that definitely left me a bit awkward when it comes to larger groups or those specific social situations—things like figuring out where you fit in the hierarchy (which nobody talks about, but everyone feels), making eye contact, or picking up on unwritten social codes.

On the flip side, I don't view the whole thing—the codes, the hierarchies, the group stuff—as inherently bad or gross. I've realized there are actually some benefits to it, and I'd like to try putting a little effort into navigating that better.

Now that I've laid all this out, I feel like I sound like some grumpy old man lecturing everyone, which isn't what I am 🙂 so sorry if that came off a bit stiff. Anyway, it's late and I'm crashing... Zzzzz

brightotter7 said:Alright, looks like this topic hit a nerve since you guys have a lot to say. Since I can't get to everyone individually right now, let's clarify: I'm not really talking about low self-esteem causing social isolation here. It's more about just not being interested. As I'm typing this, I accidentally left Zoom on active mode and spent half an hour stuck in some pointless "Hey, how's it going? Good, you?" loop with an acquaintance. To me, that's just scripted small talk that doesn't actually achieve anything. Honestly, I feel like there's way too much communication these days—phones, IMs, chats, whatever 🙂

Anyway, Natch, you've got a point. Growing up, I was rarely part of big social circles, mostly because they felt so sluggish—that whole "if you want to fit in, you have to act like this" mentality. I think I had much higher quality connections with just a few close friends, and those hangouts didn't feel like those forced, cookie-cutter group dynamics.

I also never really dealt with that FOMO feeling where you think you'll miss out on something huge if you don't go out tonight. I was perfectly fine staying home to read or work on something I actually cared about. I guess that definitely left me a bit awkward when it comes to larger groups or those specific social situations—things like figuring out where you fit in the hierarchy (which nobody talks about, but everyone feels), making eye contact, or picking up on unwritten social codes.

On the flip side, I don't view the whole thing—the codes, the hierarchies, the group stuff—as inherently bad or gross. I've realized there are actually some benefits to it, and I'd like to try putting a little effort into navigating that better.

Now that I've laid all this out, I feel like I sound like some grumpy old man lecturing everyone, which isn't what I am 🙂 so sorry if that came off a bit stiff. Anyway, it's late and I'm crashing... Zzzzz

A few questions:
(1) If people hadn't responded so extensively, would I have assumed the topic wasn't working?
(2) Even though you claim to hate pointless small talk, you still engage in it—why?
(3) Why the apology?

1) It might be fine, I guess, but it’s way better when there’s actually some substance to it
2) Compromises
3) Why do dogs lick themselves there?

feralcobra20 said:I'm not entirely convinced that every single introvert is completely oblivious to being watched... personally, I definitely fall into the introvert camp because the idea of being the center of attention makes me want to crawl under a rock, and when I'm walking down the street, I'm usually lost in my own thoughts, staring at nothing and ignoring everyone, and honestly, my absolute nightmare is running into someone I know on the subway and being forced into small talk—usually, I’ll just hop off at the next stop to escape😳 but, well, when I actually head out to a Starbucks or a pub with my friends, I absolutely notice the stares, mostly because I'm not stuck inside my own head anymore; I'm actually engaging with people, so my focus shifts toward the "prey," if you will😍 though, I suspect the guy who started this thread might actually be thinking about something else entirely even when he's out with his buddies (since he seems way more preoccupied with whatever internal drama he's dealing with than the need to "rate" women nearby), so he's really just physically present there... and I'd bet he isn't even contributing much to the conversation. If he's looking for love, maybe he should try hanging out at a philosophy lecture instead; he'd probably have better luck finding a soulmate there than at some random bar😉

Barack Obama.. modern philosophy students are mostly just obsessed with themselves, so I doubt an egocentric guy and a space cadet would ever see eye to eye...
There is plenty of literature available today regarding social and emotional intelligence. It’s a topic that has been thoroughly explored. There is one particularly good book http://www.amazon.com/books/item/7202.html
one of the first serious works on the subject.. cheers

One thing I’ve never quite been able to wrap my head around is the sheer flow of conversation when several people are talking together...
When I observe how people interact in general, statements tend to exchange with this spontaneous, fluid rhythm—there’s a certain dynamic at play, even a sense of harmony depending on the topic or the setting... People don't constantly trample over one another or cut each other off mid-sentence; usually, one person’s turn ends almost precisely as the next person’s begins.

Furthermore, if you have a group of three or more discussing a subject, everyone involved seems to intuitively find these openings—these little gaps where they can weave in their own thoughts or comments—and it follows that same rule mentioned above... even when there are interruptions, they feel somehow synchronized, as if the whole thing is organic.

The most crucial part, though—even if one or two people naturally dominate or lead the discussion—is that the others seem to integrate themselves seamlessly without being forced in or ignored entirely.

I simply don't grasp any of it...
I suppose there are certain subtle signals that a human, as a biological entity, registers instinctively—a combination of subconscious cues and those social skills that presumably develop through socialization from early childhood onwards.
Take things like tone, tempo, posture, eye contact, syntax...

And this is the crux of the issue for me, because I honestly don't know when or how to properly insert my own statement when I'm talking to someone... I frequently end up interrupting people, which—depending on who I'm dealing with—can be a total disaster; sometimes they just steamroll right over you and keep going, and then there are all the other similar social hiccups.

There are moments where it feels like I’m not actually participating in a conversation at all, but rather delivering a monologue—even though I'm sitting at the same table as five or six other people... It doesn't happen as often now, but until a few years back, it was a fairly regular occurrence.

There is also this physical dynamic within a group that I find quite fascinating—it’s a complex interplay of personal space, movement, and body language. For instance, imagine a crowd gathered around a bar at a local pub...

People spontaneously align themselves in a similar way, arranging their positions and relationships to one another... depending on the group's makeup, someone might end up pushed to the periphery or stuck in a "dead zone."

To me, it’s all complete gibberish...
Sometimes you truly feel like an outsider, and that either means you’re just fundamentally ill-suited for the environment, or you simply fail to understand the basic signaling methods of your own species—which, ultimately, amounts to the same thing.

It’s all becoming a bit much to deal with...

Quincy:

I honestly don't follow any of this

🤣

Quincy:

It’s all just white noise to me

🤣

Quincy:

The whole thing is just driving me nuts

🤣 🤣🤣

Man, you really cracked me up 😁.

Would you actually be overanalyzing the flow of a conversation if the topic was actually interesting to you? I bet your own thoughts are way more engaging than someone else's rambling.

I have moments where I drift off while a "conversation is happening" too, but that usually only happens when I'm talking to people I can't actually connect with—people who can't hold my attention long enough to keep things going.

Thomas Moore6 said:Quincy:

I honestly don't follow any of this

🤣

Quincy:

It’s all just white noise to me

🤣

Quincy:

The whole thing is just driving me nuts

🤣 🤣🤣

Man, you really cracked me up 😁.

Would you actually be overanalyzing the flow of a conversation if the topic was actually interesting to you? I bet your own thoughts are way more engaging than someone else's rambling.

I have moments where I drift off while a "conversation is happening" too, but that usually only happens when I'm talking to people I can't actually connect with—people who can't hold my attention long enough to keep things going.

Of course I care.
Why on earth wouldn't I be interested in the chatter?
What else is there to talk about when you're sitting at a bar grabbing a beer?
Chatter is one of the fundamental pillars of human socialization...

It isn't really about the topic itself...

The reality is that within any group of people, there exists a specific dynamic—a spontaneous system of interpersonal relationships that establishes and maintains itself in informal settings regardless of any "artificial" parameters. It boils down to purely biological factors; being pushed to the periphery in such a setting is a pretty reliable litmus test for life in general...

But frankly, I couldn't care less about that part.

Beyond that, if you can't function in that dimension, it becomes incredibly difficult to achieve any meaningful communication with the opposite sex—assuming there’s at least one male nearby who is slightly more energetic, stronger, or louder than you, without you having to start a fight. And civilized people don't fight—unless they're at a heavy metal concert...

So why wouldn't I care about the banter? Half the communication I engage in during casual social gatherings consists of nothing but mindless chatter. One person might drone on about cars and local politics, while another obsesses over WWII tank specs compared to modern aerospace tech, or maybe some pseudo-scientific wellness gurus or outdated economic reforms... it's all just noise. The actual content is largely irrelevant...

I suppose even that bothers me somewhat...
I tend to get hung up on the substance...

At least I can find some solace in knowing my own capabilities—and the fact that I can hold my own against most people in any given situation...
Though, I still can't say the same for the other half...

Quincy:

Of course I'm interested Why on earth wouldn't I care about all this chatter?

Quincy:

It's all just noise; the actual content doesn't really matter much

Quincy:

I get sucked into it too, I guess But for me, it’s always been about the substance.

You're being a bit contradictory here.

Look, it isn't the "flow of conversation" that's bothering you—it's the fact that the loudest guy in the room is going to end up getting shut down🤣🤣.

Thomas Moore6 said:Quincy:

Of course I'm interested Why on earth wouldn't I care about all this chatter?

Quincy:

It's all just noise; the actual content doesn't really matter much

Quincy:

I get sucked into it too, I guess But for me, it’s always been about the substance.

You're being a bit contradictory here.

Look, it isn't the "flow of conversation" that's bothering you—it's the fact that the loudest guy in the room is going to end up getting shut down🤣🤣.

I don't see the contradiction here—not really.

In certain scenarios, communication follows these rigid, unspoken social rules—rules that I simply haven't mastered at a high enough level to maintain...

The statement above was merely an illustration of that point.

You mentioned that you don't mind mindless chatter as long as there’s actual substance behind it. But honestly, when someone is just babbling, it doesn't matter what they're saying—they're just making noise. When you're having a real conversation, though, it's all about listening and actually engaging with the ideas being exchanged. You really need both skills to hold your own. I find that most people struggle with both, so personally, I'd much rather talk to someone who at least understands the importance of meaningful dialogue.
I mean, I really don't see why you're getting so worked up about this.