Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Rachel Jones8 said:Where did you get the idea that they don't know what they're doing? Like they aren't crazy or impulsive sometimes? It happens.

Look, sending parents to hell—or just being straight-up disrespectful—isn't some "puberty thing," it's just bad parenting. That's my take. Honestly, I was fifteen once, and I never once talked back to my mom like that in my entire life.

Jesse Fox5 said:Look, sending parents to hell—or just being straight-up disrespectful—isn't some "puberty thing," it's just bad parenting. That's my take. Honestly, I was fifteen once, and I never once talked back to my mom like that in my entire life.

Exactly. We can't just blame everything on hormones and teenage angst. There is no bigger mistake than a mom or dad saying, "Oh, let it slide, they're just going through a phase." Because some things don't just "pass."

Dennis Taylor6 said:How long did that last for you? Did it change anything, like pulling you away from what you actually love doing, or did everything stay on track? Thanks!🙂

It started somewhere around the beginning of freshman year and dragged on until the end of junior year. As for me personally, it definitely changed things—but honestly, it was mostly for the better.😁

Jesse Fox5 said:People always try to use puberty as a convenient excuse for being straight-up rude and acting out.
Give me a break... honestly, nobody’s hormones are crashing so hard that they lose all sense of what they're doing. Like, sure, they might be wild or swear at their parents—we've all been there—but using it as a get-out-of-jail-free card? Total nonsense.

And once they're out of puberty, it’s always "oh, it’s just my PMS." 🙄

Brenda Booth5 said:What’s the actual issue you’re having with her, or what part are you struggling to handle?..

If I’m following you correctly, you’re just second-guessing whether to let her move in with you.
Honestly, you probably need to hash that out with her mom first, just so you don't end up in a massive mess later on..

Hey—is anyone else dealing with a teenager right now? My daughter was an absolute angel until yesterday, and then suddenly she turned into this total warrior who picks fights with everyone. Everything is negative to her—everything bugs her, from her brothers to her parents, any kind of authority. I’ve tried everything🙏from being super strict for a few days to totally backing off, but it always just loops back to the same old drama. It’s like talking to a brick wall—one minute we’re fine, the next she’s lashing out! God, how much longer does this last? Another year or two? I’m going to lose my mind! Any other moms out there stuck in this exact same situation? The only silver lining is that her grades haven't slipped—she's still a straight-A student through all this—but that doesn't make the attitude okay. If anyone is going through this too, please reach out!

Brenda Booth5 said:In our house, the boys' puberty was pretty quiet, but now—post-game, if you will—we're getting these retrospective critiques about what we did wrong, how we "messed up," and (!) specifically where we're failing with the girls' puberty right now. 😳

Point two: female puberty (age 15). It's a hurricane, a tornado, a total tsunami. We can't do anything right; we're terrible; she's snapping at us, biting our heads off. 🙂 and 🙂🧐
There is one silver lining, though. She still comes to us to recount her adventures. Of course, we know she filters them... she leaves out the parts that aren't suitable for our delicate parental ears, but I've developed my own sensors by now and I know how to fill in the blanks.
If you weigh the concept of a mother-in-law (the perennial villain on these forums) against a daughter in puberty, go ahead, take a guess at which one carries more weight.
But, I suppose we'll survive. Others have, too. 🧐

Oh my god, I am actually dying laughing! That comparison is absolutely gold! And honestly, it's spot on—my daughter is a carbon copy of yours. And that "we'll survive" part... yeah, right, if we can just make it through a few more years like this?! As if! I've still got two more boys waiting for me to deal with their version of this!!??

Alex Walker8 said:Does anyone know where I can find some kind of vaccine against teenage rage?
Mine doesn't bite, per se...🙂🙂But then again, neither do I when he's around...

I’m just sitting here reading this and living it—honestly, we just need earplugs and a drink! It’s like they don't listen to a single word we say, totally like we're talking to a brick wall. And those specific days? LORD HELP US!! Everyone ends up being a victim in her wake!

Casey Booth3 said:I’m just sitting here reading this and living it—honestly, we just need earplugs and a drink! It’s like they don't listen to a single word we say, totally like we're talking to a brick wall. And those specific days? LORD HELP US!! Everyone ends up being a victim in her wake!

What good are earplugs if the kid isn't listening to you in the first place?

Casey Booth3 said:Oh my god, I am actually dying laughing! That comparison is absolutely gold! And honestly, it's spot on—my daughter is a carbon copy of yours. And that "we'll survive" part... yeah, right, if we can just make it through a few more years like this?! As if! I've still got two more boys waiting for me to deal with their version of this!!??

Well, there's us.
In the meantime, we've already hit those first major milestones—serious relationships, all their little arguments, and plenty of tears.
Ugh, it's all moving just a bit too fast for me!
I'm getting old, truly getting old...

Brenda Booth5 said:Well, there's us.
In the meantime, we've already hit those first major milestones—serious relationships, all their little arguments, and plenty of tears.
Ugh, it's all moving just a bit too fast for me!
I'm getting old, truly getting old...

Tell me about it! My girl actually went on her first date the other day, and she's only an eighth grader. She calls him a "friend"—yeah, right, as if! After they hung out, she was all smiles for the rest of the day, and I just sit here thinking—history is repeating itself—if it isn't now, when is it ever gonna happen? Yours is a bit older, right? Is she still that high-strung? Mine is... well, how long does this phase last, what do you think? I wasn't like that at that age—my parents were way too strict for any of that drama.

Casey Booth3 said:Tell me about it! My girl actually went on her first date the other day, and she's only an eighth grader. She calls him a "friend"—yeah, right, as if! After they hung out, she was all smiles for the rest of the day, and I just sit here thinking—history is repeating itself—if it isn't now, when is it ever gonna happen? Yours is a bit older, right? Is she still that high-strung? Mine is... well, how long does this phase last, what do you think? I wasn't like that at that age—my parents were way too strict for any of that drama.

Older—she's a full year ahead of mine! 😁
They've been seeing each other for about four months, but they're currently teetering on the edge of a breakup... though I try not to hover too much.
("Mom, you just don't get it.")

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that she trusts me enough to come to me for advice—but only on her own terms.
Not when I swoop in trying to lecture her. Right now, she wants to be the one calling the shots.

Good afternoon. Here comes another desperate mother. I know I’m repeating myself, but I’ve scrolled through every single thread from start to finish and I still haven't found any actual advice on how to survive these days—or years, God forbid. My issue is my 15-year-old son, and to make a long story short, it’s everything he does or refuses to do. He won't study, he refuses to wear his braces, he won't talk to anyone, he won't eat, and he won't listen to a single request... if I ask him to turn off a light, he just leaves it on for me to deal with. But the absolute worst part is the way he insults his older sister and me. He calls us stupid or trash, and there's even worse stuff, but I'm too ashamed to write it down. He’s seeing a psychiatrist because I pushed him to go, but his behavior is actually getting worse. I feel like I've hit a breaking point where I'm seriously considering kicking him out of the house. I could spend my whole life complaining like this, but I've truly reached the end of my rope and I don't know what to do next. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind at times. If there are any kindred spirits out there, I desperately need some advice on how to move forward... A desperate mother🤷

hiddenheron58 said:Good afternoon. Here comes another desperate mother. I know I’m repeating myself, but I’ve scrolled through every single thread from start to finish and I still haven't found any actual advice on how to survive these days—or years, God forbid. My issue is my 15-year-old son, and to make a long story short, it’s everything he does or refuses to do. He won't study, he refuses to wear his braces, he won't talk to anyone, he won't eat, and he won't listen to a single request... if I ask him to turn off a light, he just leaves it on for me to deal with. But the absolute worst part is the way he insults his older sister and me. He calls us stupid or trash, and there's even worse stuff, but I'm too ashamed to write it down. He’s seeing a psychiatrist because I pushed him to go, but his behavior is actually getting worse. I feel like I've hit a breaking point where I'm seriously considering kicking him out of the house. I could spend my whole life complaining like this, but I've truly reached the end of my rope and I don't know what to do next. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind at times. If there are any kindred spirits out there, I desperately need some advice on how to move forward... A desperate mother🤷

But where would you even send him?
😕

I wouldn't call this just typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like something is fundamentally broken in your communication or your relationship, and maybe it's been that way for a while...
It might stem from parenting styles—yours, his father's, or how you both interact with him and his sister collectively...

When did this behavior first start?
Was there a specific change in his life recently?

How is he doing at school? How does he act around other adults or his friends?
What are his interests? What actually makes him happy or brings him joy?
You listed a lot of things he *won't* do... but do you ever sit down and ask him what he *wants* to do?

hiddenheron58 said:Good afternoon. Here comes another desperate mother. I know I’m repeating myself, but I’ve scrolled through every single thread from start to finish and I still haven't found any actual advice on how to survive these days—or years, God forbid. My issue is my 15-year-old son, and to make a long story short, it’s everything he does or refuses to do. He won't study, he refuses to wear his braces, he won't talk to anyone, he won't eat, and he won't listen to a single request... if I ask him to turn off a light, he just leaves it on for me to deal with. But the absolute worst part is the way he insults his older sister and me. He calls us stupid or trash, and there's even worse stuff, but I'm too ashamed to write it down. He’s seeing a psychiatrist because I pushed him to go, but his behavior is actually getting worse. I feel like I've hit a breaking point where I'm seriously considering kicking him out of the house. I could spend my whole life complaining like this, but I've truly reached the end of my rope and I don't know what to do next. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind at times. If there are any kindred spirits out there, I desperately need some advice on how to move forward... A desperate mother🤷

Wait, why would someone be seeing a psychiatrist specifically for behavioral issues? 😕

Susan James said:But where would you even send him?
😕

I wouldn't call this just typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like something is fundamentally broken in your communication or your relationship, and maybe it's been that way for a while...
It might stem from parenting styles—yours, his father's, or how you both interact with him and his sister collectively...

When did this behavior first start?
Was there a specific change in his life recently?

How is he doing at school? How does he act around other adults or his friends?
What are his interests? What actually makes him happy or brings him joy?
You listed a lot of things he *won't* do... but do you ever sit down and ask him what he *wants* to do?

I honestly can't pin down when it started; maybe two years ago. My daughter is older, and she's basically distanced herself from him because he acts like an annoying little brother, but they still share a room, so they're forced into each other's space. He gets incredibly jealous of her, which is how the insults started. Once I told him he couldn't talk to his sister that way, he just turned all that aggression toward me. Communication is a total disaster now, and I have no idea how to get back to how things used to be. I know it takes effort, but he's so incredibly rigid that the second I try to show him any affection, I get hit with a barrage of insults. His father has been practically non-existent in our lives—just a stubborn, old-school guy with archaic views. He thinks a woman's place is strictly in the kitchen; he belittles me while shielding the boy, and the kid has definitely picked up on that power dynamic... it's given him a sense of entitlement. Now that I'm getting a divorce, when I mentioned "distancing" him, I meant handing him over to his father so he can finally deal with the consequences himself. But then again, I can't imagine being apart from my child, even though I'm at my breaking point. It's exhausting. Of course I ask him what he wants; I try to accommodate him, sometimes. I cook what he likes, I look at things through his eyes. I beg my daughter to try and connect with him since he clearly needs it, and she tries, but if she asks him to do one simple thing or move out of the way and it's not exactly what he wants, she's suddenly "stupid" or worse. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section since I'm new to the forum and don't know the rules yet, so thanks for the input.

Susan James said:But where would you even send him?
😕

I wouldn't call this just typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like something is fundamentally broken in your communication or your relationship, and maybe it's been that way for a while...
It might stem from parenting styles—yours, his father's, or how you both interact with him and his sister collectively...

When did this behavior first start?
Was there a specific change in his life recently?

How is he doing at school? How does he act around other adults or his friends?
What are his interests? What actually makes him happy or brings him joy?
You listed a lot of things he *won't* do... but do you ever sit down and ask him what he *wants* to do?

Nicholas King said:Wait, why would someone be seeing a psychiatrist specifically for behavioral issues? 😕

Because mixed disorders during adolescence are a real thing.

hiddenheron58 said:I honestly can't pin down when it started; maybe two years ago. My daughter is older, and she's basically distanced herself from him because he acts like an annoying little brother, but they still share a room, so they're forced into each other's space. He gets incredibly jealous of her, which is how the insults started. Once I told him he couldn't talk to his sister that way, he just turned all that aggression toward me. Communication is a total disaster now, and I have no idea how to get back to how things used to be. I know it takes effort, but he's so incredibly rigid that the second I try to show him any affection, I get hit with a barrage of insults. His father has been practically non-existent in our lives—just a stubborn, old-school guy with archaic views. He thinks a woman's place is strictly in the kitchen; he belittles me while shielding the boy, and the kid has definitely picked up on that power dynamic... it's given him a sense of entitlement. Now that I'm getting a divorce, when I mentioned "distancing" him, I meant handing him over to his father so he can finally deal with the consequences himself. But then again, I can't imagine being apart from my child, even though I'm at my breaking point. It's exhausting. Of course I ask him what he wants; I try to accommodate him, sometimes. I cook what he likes, I look at things through his eyes. I beg my daughter to try and connect with him since he clearly needs it, and she tries, but if she asks him to do one simple thing or move out of the way and it's not exactly what he wants, she's suddenly "stupid" or worse. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section since I'm new to the forum and don't know the rules yet, so thanks for the input.

I think during puberty, sharing a room with a sister is tough, let alone with a younger brother.
Every teenager needs some space of their own....
Is there any chance you could put up a temporary partition or something?
How are things working out with school schedules? Does he ever get any time to himself?

Regarding the bolded part... instead of sending the child to a psychiatrist, I would look for a good family therapist for "all of us."
The father likely won't want to participate, but it seems to me that you guys need someone to help stabilize things and improve your communication and relationships.
Right now, it feels like everyone has taken sides, like a battlefield, and that isn't healthy.

Also, even if the father hasn't been very present in your lives, a divorce is a massive shift, especially for kids. You have to observe how the child is handling everything... and where these changes in mood and relationships are coming from.

It's fine for him to have support through a counselor or even a therapist, but I wouldn't send him to a psychiatrist for "behavioral issues."
I don't think that's the case here.
Sending him to a psychiatrist might label him as having a disorder, when really it's the family dynamic that's disrupted; he's just a symptom of that.

hiddenheron58 said:I honestly can't pin down when it started; maybe two years ago. My daughter is older, and she's basically distanced herself from him because he acts like an annoying little brother, but they still share a room, so they're forced into each other's space. He gets incredibly jealous of her, which is how the insults started. Once I told him he couldn't talk to his sister that way, he just turned all that aggression toward me. Communication is a total disaster now, and I have no idea how to get back to how things used to be. I know it takes effort, but he's so incredibly rigid that the second I try to show him any affection, I get hit with a barrage of insults. His father has been practically non-existent in our lives—just a stubborn, old-school guy with archaic views. He thinks a woman's place is strictly in the kitchen; he belittles me while shielding the boy, and the kid has definitely picked up on that power dynamic... it's given him a sense of entitlement. Now that I'm getting a divorce, when I mentioned "distancing" him, I meant handing him over to his father so he can finally deal with the consequences himself. But then again, I can't imagine being apart from my child, even though I'm at my breaking point. It's exhausting. Of course I ask him what he wants; I try to accommodate him, sometimes. I cook what he likes, I look at things through his eyes. I beg my daughter to try and connect with him since he clearly needs it, and she tries, but if she asks him to do one simple thing or move out of the way and it's not exactly what he wants, she's suddenly "stupid" or worse. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section since I'm new to the forum and don't know the rules yet, so thanks for the input.

I didn't mean that he should always be catered to, but rather that he should be in an environment where he has the right to express his needs and desires—and where those needs can be met, or not met immediately, because someone is setting boundaries for him.
The important thing is that he can voice them.
Usually, it's much easier to ask something of a child when we are also being attentive to them (not as a transaction, but through being open to them and their needs).

The chances of remodeling right now are zero; I don't have any extra cash lying around, I’m currently going through a divorce, and I’m not working at the moment. My ex and I were sleeping in the living room while giving the bedroom to the kids, though their school schedules are different—not that he really needs his own room as much as my little girl does. He’d rather just crash in the living room and watch TV. Why am I seeing a psychiatrist? Because I first went to the school counselor, and he basically told me he doesn't deal with family dysfunction, so he referred me to a private specialist regarding $667, which I simply can't afford. Then I found a free city-funded clinic, but the woman there told me they only allow up to 12 sessions; if there isn't immediate progress, they move on because they're spread too thin. And that’s exactly what happened. My son had an outburst where he was being verbally abusive toward her, so she recommended this specific adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in anger and aggression. It feels like there were two separate camps in our house, but since I’m on my own starting this month, I’m trying to fix it. I’m being hyper-protective of my son now, but even though my daughter can sense the tension, it feels like nothing I do works... he’s just getting more aggressive. Honestly, I get the feeling that being "nicer" to him actually creates more resistance. This whole divorce started about two years ago. We’re doing it amicably—there was no domestic violence or cheating, just a total mismatch of personalities. He’d lounge around while I was out running errands, or he’d sleep all day while I was active, so the kids only ever saw a cold relationship rather than some traumatic scene of a mother bruised from fighting. I’ve tried everything from setting boundaries to spoiling him, but it feels like he’s just resisting everything. I’ll sit down with him, let him vent his frustrations and desires, but an hour later, he just tramples over all that progress. For example, he hates it when his sister calls him "little man," and he demands I forbid her from saying it. I listen to him, I talk to her, I try to mediate... then he walks in from school and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Where's that idiot? Is she back on the computer again?" She hears him, and then it's war. It looks like typical sibling bickering, but it’s so much worse than that; it escalates into heavy insults and physical fighting (we’ve actually ended up in the ER once). So, I'm not posting here looking for sympathy by claiming "puberty is just how brothers act." This has become unbearable. It's like nothing satisfies him—not the good stuff, not the bad...

Man, that sounds brutal. Honestly, everything you’re dealing with—raising a kid like that—is just straight-up exhausting.
I wasn't really paying close attention earlier, so my memory's a bit fuzzy, but was he always this defiant? Like, has he always pushed back against every single rule in the house, or did this whole "rebel without a cause" thing just kick in once he hit puberty? If he's been like this since he was in diapers, then you've got a massive uphill battle on your hands. But if it's just a sudden teenage thing... I don't know, maybe you should have laid down the law harder the very first time he acted out.

Growing up, it was just me, my mom, and my brother—he had his own room, while my mom and I shared ours.
Maybe your daughter would actually prefer sharing a room with you over being stuck in there with him. And hey, maybe he’d want that too. You gotta try explaining to him that this setup is a huge compromise you're making just so things can be smoother for everyone—it's a way to make life better because you guys love him.. But look, if he wants this concession, he’s gotta play ball and act right with everyone, especially when it comes to his mom and sister.

Just shower him with love and empathy. Make sure he feels like you're truly in his corner and that you give a damn about him. Seriously, that kind of support will probably do more for him than any shrink in the entire country could ever hope to.
And those nasty words he’s throwing at you—I mean, the fact that he even DARES to speak to you like that is insane—just tell him you literally can't hear him. Tell him you didn't teach him to talk like that, so you don't even recognize the words, and remind him that you KNOW he's a good kid who doesn't actually feel that way.
Things should eventually settle down.
Whatever you do, don't just dump him on his dad. Don't do it. He’ll end up feeling totally abandoned, unloved, and just miserable.
Hang in there. Sending you nothing but strength and good vibes.

Walter Perez14 said:Man, that sounds brutal. Honestly, everything you’re dealing with—raising a kid like that—is just straight-up exhausting.
I wasn't really paying close attention earlier, so my memory's a bit fuzzy, but was he always this defiant? Like, has he always pushed back against every single rule in the house, or did this whole "rebel without a cause" thing just kick in once he hit puberty? If he's been like this since he was in diapers, then you've got a massive uphill battle on your hands. But if it's just a sudden teenage thing... I don't know, maybe you should have laid down the law harder the very first time he acted out.

Growing up, it was just me, my mom, and my brother—he had his own room, while my mom and I shared ours.
Maybe your daughter would actually prefer sharing a room with you over being stuck in there with him. And hey, maybe he’d want that too. You gotta try explaining to him that this setup is a huge compromise you're making just so things can be smoother for everyone—it's a way to make life better because you guys love him.. But look, if he wants this concession, he’s gotta play ball and act right with everyone, especially when it comes to his mom and sister.

Just shower him with love and empathy. Make sure he feels like you're truly in his corner and that you give a damn about him. Seriously, that kind of support will probably do more for him than any shrink in the entire country could ever hope to.
And those nasty words he’s throwing at you—I mean, the fact that he even DARES to speak to you like that is insane—just tell him you literally can't hear him. Tell him you didn't teach him to talk like that, so you don't even recognize the words, and remind him that you KNOW he's a good kid who doesn't actually feel that way.
Things should eventually settle down.
Whatever you do, don't just dump him on his dad. Don't do it. He’ll end up feeling totally abandoned, unloved, and just miserable.
Hang in there. Sending you nothing but strength and good vibes.

Thanks for understanding... I've already tried some of the things you suggested, and I'm still pushing through, but I'm losing my nerve and my will. There are moments when I just think about how much longer until he turns 18 and can go find a job so we can all finally have some peace, but I know that isn't the answer. I didn't bring him into this world just to get rid of him; I brought him here to love him and enjoy him. I can't just take my daughter away from me by sleeping in the living room where I usually am, and it wouldn't be fair to punish her by making her sleep with me just because he's the problem. He's the one causing the trouble, so he should be the one getting the room, not her... there's just no easy fix here, and everything just keeps getting worse.😢