Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

What about the concept of consistency? Applying discipline sporadically because boundaries were poorly defined—or because there are no actual consequences when those vague lines are crossed—doesn't make sense in theory, and it certainly doesn't work in practice.

If you recognize that the core issue lies in how you and your wife are raising your child, isn't the most logical step for a parent who actually cares to sit down with their spouse and discuss how to grow together toward more effective parenting?

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

There is actually a huge spectrum of parenting styles and ways to relate to kids between being totally permissive and using physical discipline... I’ll never understand the urge to go to such extremes.

Parenting based on fear of getting hit doesn't actually teach a child what is right or wrong, what values matter, or how to behave properly. It just teaches them how to avoid getting caught.

In my opinion, both physical punishment and a completely hands-off, permissive style with zero boundaries are equally ineffective.

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

I agree about needing a firmer hand. My ex used to talk to me like I was some kind of idiot, and my son picked up on that perfectly. Now he treats both me and his sister the exact same way his father did. For instance, he'll tell me, "Go to the kitchen, that's where you belong," and I swear, I feel like killing him rather than just slapping him. Whenever there was tension, my husband would come to me and condescendingly ask in front of the kids, "Why are you putting so much pressure on him again?" I’d nearly lose my mind because he’d start every conversation assuming I was the problem instead of the boy. So I'd defend myself, and the kids would watch it happen—except my daughter doesn't throw it in my face like he does, while my son does it multiple times a day. I didn't get divorced because he wouldn't go out; that was just one thing in a long list. Here's a few examples: in twenty years of marriage, he never took me to dinner, never bought me a single thing, and never took the kids anywhere. Not to the beach, not to a game, not to the park, not to a friend's house, not on a field trip, not for a bike ride, not fishing... he never even played cards with our son. Man, don't get me started. We've never even been to a ski resort, even though we live ten minutes away from one, and we only went to the coast twice—and I cried for a year before my mom finally gave me the money for it. I was a fool for not leaving ten years ago, but I stayed for the kids, and well, look how that turned out...

Sam Murphy said:I see your point, but it doesn't necessarily mean you failed as a parent; sometimes it's just down to nature, as Tom Landry used to say, it's all in the genes...

But what I'm actually getting at isn't about genetics—it's more about the way we instill family values and other core principles. I try to teach my kids that it's just not okay to be disrespectful or lash out at people (and when I say "lash out," I'm talking about all sorts of bad behavior, not just swearing), especially when it comes to family members.

It's easy enough to keep kids in line through fear, at least for a little while. But once they break free from that control, that's usually when the real trouble starts.

I've never grown up in a household like that, so I'm genuinely curious—how does that dynamic even work in the long run? Do you live with the constant worry that your child might one day turn that aggression back on you? When does that cycle finally end? And what happens if things just fall apart after they stop being afraid? My oldest son is already physically stronger than I am, and he hasn't even reached adulthood yet. Sure, since he's a boy, maybe that rebellious phase won't last quite as long—assuming you're planning on letting them roam the streets right as they hit eighteen—but what happens in that window where they are strong enough to fight back but aren't legally adults yet? Do you morally feel you have more of a right to strike a child than they have to strike back at you? You might take this as me being provocative, but I promise that isn't my intention; I am truly just trying to understand🤷...

hiddenheron58 said:I agree about needing a firmer hand. My ex used to talk to me like I was some kind of idiot, and my son picked up on that perfectly. Now he treats both me and his sister the exact same way his father did. For instance, he'll tell me, "Go to the kitchen, that's where you belong," and I swear, I feel like killing him rather than just slapping him. Whenever there was tension, my husband would come to me and condescendingly ask in front of the kids, "Why are you putting so much pressure on him again?" I’d nearly lose my mind because he’d start every conversation assuming I was the problem instead of the boy. So I'd defend myself, and the kids would watch it happen—except my daughter doesn't throw it in my face like he does, while my son does it multiple times a day. I didn't get divorced because he wouldn't go out; that was just one thing in a long list. Here's a few examples: in twenty years of marriage, he never took me to dinner, never bought me a single thing, and never took the kids anywhere. Not to the beach, not to a game, not to the park, not to a friend's house, not on a field trip, not for a bike ride, not fishing... he never even played cards with our son. Man, don't get me started. We've never even been to a ski resort, even though we live ten minutes away from one, and we only went to the coast twice—and I cried for a year before my mom finally gave me the money for it. I was a fool for not leaving ten years ago, but I stayed for the kids, and well, look how that turned out...

Well, that same masculine dominance is exactly what landed you in this situation, because a child learns from the dynamics in the home that they can treat you like nothing more than a doormat. I completely agree that your son's behavior is a disaster, but you have to take your share of the responsibility here—he is simply mirroring the behavioral patterns he saw within his own family.

It's true that you probably should have walked away ten years ago and taken the kids with you, but dwelling on that won't change anything; there's no point in crying over spilled milk, so you just have to start moving forward from exactly where you are right now. You've already taken the most vital first step by stopping the drain on your time and energy caused by that jerk, so now you just need to pour all your strength into helping the three of you become a functional family unit again.

I'm certainly no psychologist, and I can't say for sure how much of a finished product a fourteen-year-old really is, but I find it hard to believe that things won't improve if you seek out some proper professional help. Sadly, time isn't exactly on your side here, so you really need to take action immediately.

northerncobra27 said:But what I'm actually getting at isn't about genetics—it's more about the way we instill family values and other core principles. I try to teach my kids that it's just not okay to be disrespectful or lash out at people (and when I say "lash out," I'm talking about all sorts of bad behavior, not just swearing), especially when it comes to family members.

It's easy enough to keep kids in line through fear, at least for a little while. But once they break free from that control, that's usually when the real trouble starts.

I've never grown up in a household like that, so I'm genuinely curious—how does that dynamic even work in the long run? Do you live with the constant worry that your child might one day turn that aggression back on you? When does that cycle finally end? And what happens if things just fall apart after they stop being afraid? My oldest son is already physically stronger than I am, and he hasn't even reached adulthood yet. Sure, since he's a boy, maybe that rebellious phase won't last quite as long—assuming you're planning on letting them roam the streets right as they hit eighteen—but what happens in that window where they are strong enough to fight back but aren't legally adults yet? Do you morally feel you have more of a right to strike a child than they have to strike back at you? You might take this as me being provocative, but I promise that isn't my intention; I am truly just trying to understand🤷...

I think you're being a bit too extreme regarding the physical discipline part; I certainly wouldn't allow them to fight while I'm around, but tell me, how would you handle it if your kids started brawling right in front of you? I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye on this because I feel like kids today are given way too much leeway, which is exactly what most teachers in our local school district say when they come to us parents asking for help—they basically admit they're powerless and ask us for ways to calm the kids down or motivate them to study. As for that lady and her husband, if I ever treated my wife like that or consistently took the children's side over hers, she probably wouldn't be around to see me anymore, so you're right that she should have dealt with that situation a long time ago.

I honestly don't follow—what does "throwing kids under the bus just to teach them their place" actually look like in practice?

Furthermore, regarding this whole idea of always taking the child's side—are you suggesting that a parent shouldn't back their kid even when the other parent is clearly in the wrong, or are you implying that it's simply impossible for a parent to make a mistake?

Nicholas King said:I honestly don't follow—what does "throwing kids under the bus just to teach them their place" actually look like in practice?

Furthermore, regarding this whole idea of always taking the child's side—are you suggesting that a parent shouldn't back their kid even when the other parent is clearly in the wrong, or are you implying that it's simply impossible for a parent to make a mistake?

Oh, please—any parent claiming they’ve never messed up is lying through their teeth. I certainly have, more than once, and what am I supposed to do about it? I apologize to my little girl and we talk it out. I’d love to tell you I’m perfect, but I’m clearly not.🙂
My ten-year-old has undergone this subtle shift lately. And by subtle, I mean she went from being this quiet, easygoing kid where I never had to repeat myself—like, "put your shoes away"—to someone who needs constant reminders. Now, she's become quite the orator, a real little advocate for her own rights. It's a massive change for me, even though she's still a good kid at heart; she’s just become much more aware of herself and her own identity. There are times when she isn't around and I'll tell my husband, "I am just exhausted from all the talking.🤣" God, the speed at which she can chatter! The second she drops her backpack—which, by the way, is now left wherever she happens to land rather than being put in her room—she starts unloading the entire saga of her school day. I sit there, listening and listening... then she starts critiquing her friends, and I'll step in to say, "Hey, take a breath," and give her some perspective on why certain things shouldn't be said or done. Basically, it's just an endless loop of conversation.
In her life, I have always been the "strict" parent. I am truly not exaggerating when I say I rarely feel the need to yell or hand out punishments. In fact, I think the worst thing I can do is stay silent; the moment I shut down, she notices immediately and insists we debate it.
It isn't easy, let me tell you. I'm currently navigating this phase of huge transitions (and she's only just starting!), and the real upheavals are still ahead of us.
Hopefully, they aren't too catastrophic.

Sam Murphy said:I think you're being a bit too extreme regarding the physical discipline part; I certainly wouldn't allow them to fight while I'm around, but tell me, how would you handle it if your kids started brawling right in front of you? I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye on this because I feel like kids today are given way too much leeway, which is exactly what most teachers in our local school district say when they come to us parents asking for help—they basically admit they're powerless and ask us for ways to calm the kids down or motivate them to study. As for that lady and her husband, if I ever treated my wife like that or consistently took the children's side over hers, she probably wouldn't be around to see me anymore, so you're right that she should have dealt with that situation a long time ago.

I honestly don't know how I’d tackle it, since I haven't really built up any experience or a tactical battle plan for a situation like that. For the time being, we just stick to the rule that physical force is off the table—we’ve managed to drill that concept into their heads somehow. Because there’s such a significant age gap between us, it’s one of those areas where we’ve had to maintain an incredibly firm stance, reacting strongly to every single attempt at breaking the rules, though always through verbal correction.

We are clearly never going to see eye to eye on this because I truly believe children are given far too much leeway, which seems to be what most teachers in the public school system say too; they constantly turn to us parents during PTA meetings asking for advice on how to calm them down or find ways to motivate them to study, basically because the teachers feel powerless.

I wasn't actually expecting us to agree; I was just genuinely curious about how different families approach things. I do agree, though, that there are plenty of kids out there who are allowed to do whatever they want and end up completely unruly, and while it’s easy for teachers to point fingers, the parents are often left standing there in total shock, wondering how their kids became that way and having no clue how to manage them. That said, even though I don't use corporal punishment as a primary tool, my kids aren't acting out like that. They are great students, they get their chores done—not always with a smile, mind you, but they do them—they rarely get into fights with peers (my oldest has only been in two scuffles in his life), and they behave well both at home and in class, according to the various teachers I've spoken to. Now, I know that sounds like some perfect suburban fairy tale, but of course we have our crises; we just deal with them as they come.

Regarding that lady and her husband, if I ever pulled a stunt like that with my wife—essentially taking the kids' side over hers—she probably wouldn't even be looking at me anymore, so you're right that she should have dealt with that a long time ago.

I'm not quite sure I follow that last part; I don't know where you got that impression, but I'll address it anyway. My husband and I generally settle any parenting disagreements behind closed doors. It is extremely rare for us to have a disagreement that we hash out right then and there in front of the children. I don't view that as picking sides or undermining our authority. Our kids understand that we are two separate individuals with different perspectives, and that sometimes we have to debate things privately before we can present a united front.

I was really thinking about the situation involving that woman whose fifteen-year-old is constantly swearing and being disrespectful to everyone in sight, which makes me wonder what things are going to look like in just two or three years when they're fully grown... I also can't help but feel that it isn't healthy for parents to be bickering or throwing accusations at one another regarding discipline right in front of their children, though I know firsthand how incredibly difficult it is to get everyone on the same page...

Sam Murphy said:I was really thinking about the situation involving that woman whose fifteen-year-old is constantly swearing and being disrespectful to everyone in sight, which makes me wonder what things are going to look like in just two or three years when they're fully grown... I also can't help but feel that it isn't healthy for parents to be bickering or throwing accusations at one another regarding discipline right in front of their children, though I know firsthand how incredibly difficult it is to get everyone on the same page...

But why exactly?

Are we supposed to maintain this facade of being a monolithic, perfectly infallible unit just to appease our "common disciplinary adversary"—the child? I mean, honestly—what is the catastrophic fallout if one parent simply admits they made a mistake in how they handled a situation? It seems rather performative to me.

And as for that whole bit about "scattering the children to show them their place," I’m afraid I don't quite follow your logic there... 😢

Charles Murphy6 said:Oh, please—any parent claiming they’ve never messed up is lying through their teeth. I certainly have, more than once, and what am I supposed to do about it? I apologize to my little girl and we talk it out. I’d love to tell you I’m perfect, but I’m clearly not.🙂
My ten-year-old has undergone this subtle shift lately. And by subtle, I mean she went from being this quiet, easygoing kid where I never had to repeat myself—like, "put your shoes away"—to someone who needs constant reminders. Now, she's become quite the orator, a real little advocate for her own rights. It's a massive change for me, even though she's still a good kid at heart; she’s just become much more aware of herself and her own identity. There are times when she isn't around and I'll tell my husband, "I am just exhausted from all the talking.🤣" God, the speed at which she can chatter! The second she drops her backpack—which, by the way, is now left wherever she happens to land rather than being put in her room—she starts unloading the entire saga of her school day. I sit there, listening and listening... then she starts critiquing her friends, and I'll step in to say, "Hey, take a breath," and give her some perspective on why certain things shouldn't be said or done. Basically, it's just an endless loop of conversation.
In her life, I have always been the "strict" parent. I am truly not exaggerating when I say I rarely feel the need to yell or hand out punishments. In fact, I think the worst thing I can do is stay silent; the moment I shut down, she notices immediately and insists we debate it.
It isn't easy, let me tell you. I'm currently navigating this phase of huge transitions (and she's only just starting!), and the real upheavals are still ahead of us.
Hopefully, they aren't too catastrophic.

Huh... ten seems to be when the real show begins.

My little one has always been a fighter, but lately, it's like she's on a total crusade. We talk a lot, too. There have never been any harsh punishments; I'm strictly against physical discipline.

I've just been thinking lately about whether we should actually be nurturing this whole negotiation skill in kids... you know, until they hit adulthood.🤣

Scott Miller4 said:Huh... ten seems to be when the real show begins.

My little one has always been a fighter, but lately, it's like she's on a total crusade. We talk a lot, too. There have never been any harsh punishments; I'm strictly against physical discipline.

I've just been thinking lately about whether we should actually be nurturing this whole negotiation skill in kids... you know, until they hit adulthood.🤣

Nice one.
Reading this thread actually makes me want to write a "teenager's guide for parents" from my perspective, but for now, being the rebellious kid is way more fun.
And yeah, regarding hitting—you aren't actually raising a child that way. You're just raising a kid who's scared of you. They aren't doing what they're supposed to because it's right, but because they don't want to get smacked. Once they hit that age where they're self-aware, man, what a headache. You can't just lay a hand on them anymore (most of the time). But honestly, it isn't easy for the parents, or us, let alone grandparents when they start weighing in too. 🧐🍿 It's a mess.

Grandparents and parenting styles😱
My parents don't act like they have any right to interfere... if they feel the need to comment on things, they direct it toward me.
The mother of my ex is my absolute Achilles' heel. Yeah, a massive sore spot.
By some stroke of sheer coincidence, whenever she’s over at her father’s place, she’s there with the grandmother. And let me tell you, this grandmother—who everyone seems to adore, especially Raymond—is someone I won't even dignify with a description...
It’s hardly surprising that the child ends up completely confused when Mom says one thing and Grandma says the exact opposite.
I was dealing with those "my way or the highway" attitudes since I was about seven years old.
Now, at ten, Grandma has come up with a whole new set of fixations that my little girl, thank God, actually confides in me about.
My ex claims she’s started being disrespectful toward her grandmother. Oh, really? Not on my watch. I make sure to remind her that Grandma is an elderly woman, and honestly, that usually shuts her down enough...
But I will say this: that grandmother drives me absolutely insane—to the very edge of my sanity.
The biggest issue is that my son (my ex) is just so compliant; he listens to his mother and thinks whatever she says is the absolute truth. On top of that, I’ve got a pre-teen daughter and two other people breathing down my neck who seem more interested in making my life miserable than actually looking out for the child. When I try to speak up, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. They claim she’s afraid of me, but the reality is there's just no communication; they have no clue what’s happening with her schoolwork or anything else, so they jump to the conclusion that she must be afraid of me just because she chooses to trust me instead.🙄To be perfectly honest, I know I am an authority figure, but I have never once laid a hand on my child, called her stupid, or badmouthed the other parent. Sure, I’m strict, but that’s strictly regarding her education—getting homework done, reading her books independently, writing, keeping her stuff organized... why should I feel guilty for enforcing responsibilities?
Reading back through this now, I am just livid because they’ve managed to send my blood pressure through the roof all over again.😠

Charles Murphy6 said:Grandparents and parenting styles😱
My parents don't act like they have any right to interfere... if they feel the need to comment on things, they direct it toward me.
The mother of my ex is my absolute Achilles' heel. Yeah, a massive sore spot.
By some stroke of sheer coincidence, whenever she’s over at her father’s place, she’s there with the grandmother. And let me tell you, this grandmother—who everyone seems to adore, especially Raymond—is someone I won't even dignify with a description...
It’s hardly surprising that the child ends up completely confused when Mom says one thing and Grandma says the exact opposite.
I was dealing with those "my way or the highway" attitudes since I was about seven years old.
Now, at ten, Grandma has come up with a whole new set of fixations that my little girl, thank God, actually confides in me about.
My ex claims she’s started being disrespectful toward her grandmother. Oh, really? Not on my watch. I make sure to remind her that Grandma is an elderly woman, and honestly, that usually shuts her down enough...
But I will say this: that grandmother drives me absolutely insane—to the very edge of my sanity.
The biggest issue is that my son (my ex) is just so compliant; he listens to his mother and thinks whatever she says is the absolute truth. On top of that, I’ve got a pre-teen daughter and two other people breathing down my neck who seem more interested in making my life miserable than actually looking out for the child. When I try to speak up, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. They claim she’s afraid of me, but the reality is there's just no communication; they have no clue what’s happening with her schoolwork or anything else, so they jump to the conclusion that she must be afraid of me just because she chooses to trust me instead.🙄To be perfectly honest, I know I am an authority figure, but I have never once laid a hand on my child, called her stupid, or badmouthed the other parent. Sure, I’m strict, but that’s strictly regarding her education—getting homework done, reading her books independently, writing, keeping her stuff organized... why should I feel guilty for enforcing responsibilities?
Reading back through this now, I am just livid because they’ve managed to send my blood pressure through the roof all over again.😠

But honestly, who can say for sure? Parental authority doesn't necessarily equate to a child feeling actual fear🙂.

Nicholas King said:But honestly, who can say for sure? Parental authority doesn't necessarily equate to a child feeling actual fear🙂.

I’ll give you their contact info so you can try explaining it to them yourself. 🙂
Just wait until you pop like a kernel of popcorn once you realize they don't grasp a single damn thing.
I’ve tried telling them that I need to maintain authority, that she needs to listen to me, but all they say is, "Oh, but she's such an angel, she doesn't need that!" Sure, fine—she'll grow up like a wild weed and turn into a total disaster! But the second she actually screws up, they’re incredibly quick to snap back with, "Well, you're just the guardian."🙄
I honestly don't know why I even bother looking their way since our worlds have absolutely nothing in common, yet we're tethered together because of this child.
Like some sort of fool, I find myself defending them while simultaneously trying to teach her to value things and respect people.
I tell her she should feel ashamed for what she did to that pencil case her dad just bought her from Target$100. I really ought to just say, "Not my problem," but it *is* my problem. I won't let her act entitled, whether it's regarding a cheap item from Walmart$1.75 or something worth $500.

Charles Murphy6 said:Grandparents and parenting styles😱
My parents don't act like they have any right to interfere... if they feel the need to comment on things, they direct it toward me.
The mother of my ex is my absolute Achilles' heel. Yeah, a massive sore spot.
By some stroke of sheer coincidence, whenever she’s over at her father’s place, she’s there with the grandmother. And let me tell you, this grandmother—who everyone seems to adore, especially Raymond—is someone I won't even dignify with a description...
It’s hardly surprising that the child ends up completely confused when Mom says one thing and Grandma says the exact opposite.
I was dealing with those "my way or the highway" attitudes since I was about seven years old.
Now, at ten, Grandma has come up with a whole new set of fixations that my little girl, thank God, actually confides in me about.
My ex claims she’s started being disrespectful toward her grandmother. Oh, really? Not on my watch. I make sure to remind her that Grandma is an elderly woman, and honestly, that usually shuts her down enough...
But I will say this: that grandmother drives me absolutely insane—to the very edge of my sanity.
The biggest issue is that my son (my ex) is just so compliant; he listens to his mother and thinks whatever she says is the absolute truth. On top of that, I’ve got a pre-teen daughter and two other people breathing down my neck who seem more interested in making my life miserable than actually looking out for the child. When I try to speak up, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. They claim she’s afraid of me, but the reality is there's just no communication; they have no clue what’s happening with her schoolwork or anything else, so they jump to the conclusion that she must be afraid of me just because she chooses to trust me instead.🙄To be perfectly honest, I know I am an authority figure, but I have never once laid a hand on my child, called her stupid, or badmouthed the other parent. Sure, I’m strict, but that’s strictly regarding her education—getting homework done, reading her books independently, writing, keeping her stuff organized... why should I feel guilty for enforcing responsibilities?
Reading back through this now, I am just livid because they’ve managed to send my blood pressure through the roof all over again.😠

Let me tell you something about myself. I don't usually open up, but since this hits home regarding those first ten years, I'll do it for you...😁
I remember telling my mom once how much I used to love that grandma (my dad's mother-in-law). It caught her totally off guard. It wasn't some massive soulmate bond—I truly loved my other grandma—but I did love her... until I hit that age... where your daughter realizes that someone just isn't a good person. My mom didn't turn me against her (even though she didn't really like her either, and had plenty of reasons), it was just... when you reach that stage where you start judging people's actions and words for yourself, instead of just doing "whatever Mom says"... then you realize—this person isn't great, and I don't want to love them anymore.
Your little girl is slowly outgrowing being a child and starting to think for herself (even if you thought she already was 😁), and honestly... you just have to accept it. You don't have to badmouth Grandma, but there's zero reason to sugarcoat things or try to paint her in a better light than she is.
She knows who she likes and who she doesn't now. She has her own opinions about people, including Grandma... even though she feels like she shouldn't think poorly of her. But she can. You can just try to pretend (which is fine, you don't have to indulge her) that you don't feel the exact same way... while still respecting her perspective.
Of course, just because she thinks that way doesn't mean she shouldn't be polite to Grandma, just like she always has been. 😉

Rachel Jones8 said:Let me tell you something about myself. I don't usually open up, but since this hits home regarding those first ten years, I'll do it for you...😁
I remember telling my mom once how much I used to love that grandma (my dad's mother-in-law). It caught her totally off guard. It wasn't some massive soulmate bond—I truly loved my other grandma—but I did love her... until I hit that age... where your daughter realizes that someone just isn't a good person. My mom didn't turn me against her (even though she didn't really like her either, and had plenty of reasons), it was just... when you reach that stage where you start judging people's actions and words for yourself, instead of just doing "whatever Mom says"... then you realize—this person isn't great, and I don't want to love them anymore.
Your little girl is slowly outgrowing being a child and starting to think for herself (even if you thought she already was 😁), and honestly... you just have to accept it. You don't have to badmouth Grandma, but there's zero reason to sugarcoat things or try to paint her in a better light than she is.
She knows who she likes and who she doesn't now. She has her own opinions about people, including Grandma... even though she feels like she shouldn't think poorly of her. But she can. You can just try to pretend (which is fine, you don't have to indulge her) that you don't feel the exact same way... while still respecting her perspective.
Of course, just because she thinks that way doesn't mean she shouldn't be polite to Grandma, just like she always has been. 😉

This lunatic actually went to the poor kid recently and started lecturing her about the divorce, going into every single sordid detail. She is completely unhinged!! The child came home in total shock. Honestly, I don't think she'll ever forget it, especially all the nasty things she said about me—how lovely. 🙄
The crux of everything she said was this: "Your mother is a wicked person, and you'll realize that once you grow up!"
So now we just wait... for her to grow up... so I can finally transform into a dragon or some kind of terrifying monster...
Thanks for trusting me with this. :-))

Charles Murphy6 said:This lunatic actually went to the poor kid recently and started lecturing her about the divorce, going into every single sordid detail. She is completely unhinged!! The child came home in total shock. Honestly, I don't think she'll ever forget it, especially all the nasty things she said about me—how lovely. 🙄
The crux of everything she said was this: "Your mother is a wicked person, and you'll realize that once you grow up!"
So now we just wait... for her to grow up... so I can finally transform into a dragon or some kind of terrifying monster...
Thanks for trusting me with this. :-))

My grandma used to say a man isn't a real man unless he smokes.
She’d send me down to the corner store, then back again thirty minutes later...
When I told her no, she threatened to tell my dad on me.
I just told her to go ahead, I didn't care.
She once tried to swipe something from our room (we lived together, but she had her own room), and then claimed a bottle fell over because of the wind (since I caught her red-handed)... but the bottle was five feet from the window, on the floor behind the dresser, no way... (no, she wasn't an alcoholic or anything, she just wanted stuff that wasn't hers)
Since I wasn't stupid (even back then 😁), I started losing affection for her, and eventually, I grew to hate her... because she simply wasn't a good person.
It was only later that I heard things from my mom, and realized it myself... she never looked out for me, cooked for me, or bought me anything... even small stuff. I only remember my other grandma fondly... how I'd go to her house for cocoa and cookies, and I loved her so much.
A kid can't love someone who isn't good. Some grandmas just aren't good people.
She has to learn how to deal with it, be polite, but she doesn't have to love her. You really have to respect that... you can't dictate who anyone loves... and she's at that age where she's starting to form her own standards. Sometimes she'll like you, sometimes she won't.
Sorry, or actually, congrats... your baby is growing up. 😉
Don't speak badly about her (like you haven't been doing so far). She'll form her own opinion over the next few years.
Let her handle her grandma and her nonsense however she knows how. She definitely knows her mom isn't a bad person, so she won't dwell on that kind of stupidity, and there's no need to comment on it... just a quick hand gesture ("leave Grandma alone")... and then move on... like nothing happened. Don't get too worked up, otherwise, she'll get more shocked by it all... and she'll get used to it. You know how teenagers are... in one ear and out the other... Don't worry... it won't affect her that deeply... she'll have plenty of other things on her mind soon. Luckily, you don't live with that grandma, so don't make this a bigger deal than it is. 😉

Charles Murphy6 said:I’ll give you their contact info so you can try explaining it to them yourself. 🙂
Just wait until you pop like a kernel of popcorn once you realize they don't grasp a single damn thing.
I’ve tried telling them that I need to maintain authority, that she needs to listen to me, but all they say is, "Oh, but she's such an angel, she doesn't need that!" Sure, fine—she'll grow up like a wild weed and turn into a total disaster! But the second she actually screws up, they’re incredibly quick to snap back with, "Well, you're just the guardian."🙄
I honestly don't know why I even bother looking their way since our worlds have absolutely nothing in common, yet we're tethered together because of this child.
Like some sort of fool, I find myself defending them while simultaneously trying to teach her to value things and respect people.
I tell her she should feel ashamed for what she did to that pencil case her dad just bought her from Target$100. I really ought to just say, "Not my problem," but it *is* my problem. I won't let her act entitled, whether it's regarding a cheap item from Walmart$1.75 or something worth $500.

It seems you haven't quite grasped the distinction between having actual authority and just being authoritarian. "They have to listen to me" has absolutely nothing to do with true authority.