Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

mellowskipper said:So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

I'd be just as shocked as you if I stumbled upon a lighter in my kid's bag.
Honestly, I find it hard to buy the idea that every single teenager is walking around with a lighter tucked away as part of their daily kit 😁.

I’m not exactly losing sleep over her picking up a habit. We don't smoke in our house, and while I know peer pressure is a massive force at this age, smoking just doesn't fit her personality. At this stage, she's actually quite aware of how bad it is for your health—she’s almost overly cautious about her own well-being—so smoking isn't even on my radar right now. My real concerns lie elsewhere. Between the fallout from the pandemic and those intense tremors we dealt with over the last two years, some anxieties have bubbled up to the surface. That's what we really need to tackle.

frozenrider15 said:I'd be just as shocked as you if I stumbled upon a lighter in my kid's bag.
Honestly, I find it hard to buy the idea that every single teenager is walking around with a lighter tucked away as part of their daily kit 😁.

I’m not exactly losing sleep over her picking up a habit. We don't smoke in our house, and while I know peer pressure is a massive force at this age, smoking just doesn't fit her personality. At this stage, she's actually quite aware of how bad it is for your health—she’s almost overly cautious about her own well-being—so smoking isn't even on my radar right now. My real concerns lie elsewhere. Between the fallout from the pandemic and those intense tremors we dealt with over the last two years, some anxieties have bubbled up to the surface. That's what we really need to tackle.

Speaking of those last two years, they honestly just completely threw her off balance—she was probably hitting her most sensitive stage. There were fears, even some regressive behavior, so we've been seeing a child psychologist over near Mayo Clinic every once in a while.
As for the lighter, I’ll have to look into that further. You see seventh and eighth graders smoking here, and there are some kids I’d never expect it from, so I won't go out on a limb regarding my own daughter. It doesn't help that my husband smokes, though she is well aware of our stance on kids and teens using tobacco.

Look, I know he’s messed around with smoking a few times with his buddies after school, and I know he had a beer once or twice.

It doesn't really rattle me that much, though I definitely hope he doesn't turn into a full-blown smoker or a heavy drinker. 😬
Knowing the kid, I honestly don't think he will.

Yesterday there were about seven girls hanging out outside, and honestly—I wouldn't be surprised if they all pooled their money just to grab a pack of cigarettes. Probably just doing it for the hell of it, you know? But that’s how people get hooked, and I really wouldn't want to see that happen.
I had another talk with her about it today—I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Just talk, offer some advice, and hope for the best, I guess.

If you’re feeling sketchy about her coming in from outside, just give her fingers a quick sniff test.

mellowskipper said:So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

I don't know... back when I was that age, we were basically obsessed with singeing the edges of our notebooks just to make our emo poetry look more "authentic."
Plus, let's be real—if you're writing a love letter to the absolute love of your life, you're kind of a loser if you aren't using glitter pens and burnt paper edges.

Now, though, I have no idea how much that carries over to the digital generation—honestly, I’d expect them to just use some vintage burnt-edge filter on their phone instead. 😂

Sarah Hall53 said:I don't know... back when I was that age, we were basically obsessed with singeing the edges of our notebooks just to make our emo poetry look more "authentic."
Plus, let's be real—if you're writing a love letter to the absolute love of your life, you're kind of a loser if you aren't using glitter pens and burnt paper edges.

Now, though, I have no idea how much that carries over to the digital generation—honestly, I’d expect them to just use some vintage burnt-edge filter on their phone instead. 😂

So, I asked her what she even needs all those lighters for if she doesn't smoke.
Like, with people out there burning leaves or those face masks...
I really thought she was past that phase.
I just hope she doesn't end up setting herself on fire or something, if that's actually what they're doing.

I’ve always felt that playing games or being shady isn't a winning strategy, and that goes for giving advice too. What’s the end goal there? You’re just hiding things and being dishonest.

For instance, I would never—and I mean never—allow my kid to smoke in the house, nor would I ever sit there and light up alongside them. My stance on cigarettes is pretty well-known, and I’m certainly not going to be encouraging anyone to pick up the habit.

That said, I really believe in keeping the lines of communication wide open. Teenagers are going to experiment; they want to feel grown-up, especially when they're hanging out with their friends. There's no sense in freaking out or acting like it's the end of the world. At the end of the day, it's about trusting your kid and having faith that they won't cross the line.

Look, I wouldn't even go near her—we actually discussed this, and I certainly wasn't standing there lecturing her.
She’s well aware that nobody wants her smoking, let alone funding it, and she definitely wouldn't be allowed to smoke inside the house.
As for what happens next... well, I suppose we'll just have to see. I'm just hoping she makes a sensible decision.

When you say you wouldn't fund it—what does that even mean, really? The only way to actually stop funding something is to completely cut off any kind of allowance. Because if it’s coming out of their pocket money, you’re basically footing the bill.
I’m honestly hoping I don't find myself in that position anytime soon, because I still remember my generation being full of smokers—and yeah, I was one of them. Looking back, it probably would have been better if we’d actually had some cash for cigarettes instead of being broke.
My husband and I haven't touched a cigarette in ages, way before we even had kids, and honestly, nobody in our immediate circle smokes anymore. I don't see it among their friends either, but... man, you can never be too sure, right? One night out, one new person, a little bit of bad influence, a sudden urge to indulge, and suddenly everything flips and heads in the wrong direction...

Peter Rogers said:When you say you wouldn't fund it—what does that even mean, really? The only way to actually stop funding something is to completely cut off any kind of allowance. Because if it’s coming out of their pocket money, you’re basically footing the bill.
I’m honestly hoping I don't find myself in that position anytime soon, because I still remember my generation being full of smokers—and yeah, I was one of them. Looking back, it probably would have been better if we’d actually had some cash for cigarettes instead of being broke.
My husband and I haven't touched a cigarette in ages, way before we even had kids, and honestly, nobody in our immediate circle smokes anymore. I don't see it among their friends either, but... man, you can never be too sure, right? One night out, one new person, a little bit of bad influence, a sudden urge to indulge, and suddenly everything flips and heads in the wrong direction...

What I mean is that we won't be the ones buying her cigarettes. Her daily allowance is meant for things like a soda or an ice cream after school. Of course, she can always buy them later if she saves up, but then that becomes a matter of her own priorities. Certain things would just have to be given up...

hiddendriver34 said:I’ve always felt that playing games or being shady isn't a winning strategy, and that goes for giving advice too. What’s the end goal there? You’re just hiding things and being dishonest.

For instance, I would never—and I mean never—allow my kid to smoke in the house, nor would I ever sit there and light up alongside them. My stance on cigarettes is pretty well-known, and I’m certainly not going to be encouraging anyone to pick up the habit.

That said, I really believe in keeping the lines of communication wide open. Teenagers are going to experiment; they want to feel grown-up, especially when they're hanging out with their friends. There's no sense in freaking out or acting like it's the end of the world. At the end of the day, it's about trusting your kid and having faith that they won't cross the line.

You hit the nail on the head. Honesty and mutual trust are rule number one. A non-smoking parent has every right to expect their child to follow suit. Realistically, what are the odds a kid won't try a cigarette? Zero. Even when I was living in the illusion that my child wouldn't touch a cigarette in their worst nightmare, I knew deep down they eventually would. Small people discover the lives of adults. To form a genuine opinion that smoking is disgusting, they have to try it. Parents must keep this in mind without any self-deception. Kids find their own way to experience things.
It is the same with alcohol, though the social acceptance differs. When I was young, I wanted to try beer and whiskey, and my parents let me take a sip. Naturally, I didn't like it, and I don't drink today. If I were to drink, it certainly wouldn't be because I tasted whiskey from my dad's glass at a birthday party. If my daughter asked to try a cigarette, I would likely let her, especially given my past experiences, regardless of how that sounds to non-smokers. In fact, it would likely deter her from smoking entirely. I am becoming more convinced of this. They tried it on their own terms, so they will smoke on their own terms. That is simply how it is.
Seventh or eighth grade is the prime time for influence. If you want to steer a child away from vices, you should aim to make those things unappealing to them. Talk openly.

mellowskipper said:So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

My girl is in eighth grade and she’s obsessed with scented candles. I’m constantly confiscating them, but she just buys more.
Well, she can light them herself then...
Maybe that's just how it is. 🤷
I told her straight up: one day you're going to burn the house down. ☕

I truly hope yours turns out smarter than that. That's my honest take on your situation. And I say that as a smoker.

If it's okay to brag a little on this thread, I will.😁
I am incredibly proud of my daughter.
She started tutoring for math, chemistry, and physics, and she actually started caring about her books. She fixed everything. We've seen grades in those subjects—math and its related 😁—drop like stones for eight years, but never like this. I'm genuinely happy.😍

Plus, she’s finally starting to open up and talk to me again.
We’re even planning a little outing this weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed that it stays this way.👍

Carl Green4 said:My girl is in eighth grade and she’s obsessed with scented candles. I’m constantly confiscating them, but she just buys more.
Well, she can light them herself then...
Maybe that's just how it is. 🤷
I told her straight up: one day you're going to burn the house down. ☕

I truly hope yours turns out smarter than that. That's my honest take on your situation. And I say that as a smoker.

If it's okay to brag a little on this thread, I will.😁
I am incredibly proud of my daughter.
She started tutoring for math, chemistry, and physics, and she actually started caring about her books. She fixed everything. We've seen grades in those subjects—math and its related 😁—drop like stones for eight years, but never like this. I'm genuinely happy.😍

Plus, she’s finally starting to open up and talk to me again.
We’re even planning a little outing this weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed that it stays this way.👍

I did ban the candles, though, because she lit one in her room and put it on a table right next to the curtains. I was like, no way, we aren't burning the whole house down.
It makes me so happy to hear that her grades are up, that she’s caught up, and that she’s studying. But most importantly, that she’s talking to you. You really should be proud.
Anyway, I just had my own massive lecture about classroom cliques. It doesn't smell like cigarettes in here, at least—she's heading to soccer practice in twenty minutes.

[QUOTE=starakrpa;92278109]My eighth grader is obsessed with scented candles. I keep taking them away, but she just buys more herself.
Just let her burn them then...
Maybe it's just a phase. 🤷
I even joked that she might set the house on fire one day. ☕

I really hope she turns out smarter than that. That goes for yours, too. And that's coming from a smoker.

If it's allowed on this thread, I'd like to brag a little.😁
I am incredibly proud of my daughter.
She’s doing tutoring for math, chemistry, and physics, and she’s actually started studying hard. She fixed everything. We haven't seen grades drop like this in all eight years of school for those subjects (math and related 😁). I'm very happy.😍

And she's finally starting to open up and talk to me again.
We're even going out together this weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed that it stays this way.👍[/QUOTE

Kudos to your girl! It's a huge deal when you don't have to stress about grades, especially with high school applications looming where every GPA point counts. On these forums, we mostly vent about our kids; we rarely offer praise. It seems we tend to fixate on their flaws instead of acknowledging their strengths. Personally, I focused entirely on her smoking because that feels like our only real hurdle as she grows up. Looking back, I realize I haven't praised her enough, especially considering how consistently high-achieving her schooling has been. Aside from an occasional B, she hasn't struggled since kindergarten, so neither I nor Timothy Phillips ever felt the pressure of her academics. She's always been in the top five in her class, which has definitely spoiled us a bit, but that's better than the alternative—and she does it with minimal struggle. Before the pandemic, she was also very active in sports. Given how capable she is, I never expected her to fail or lose focus. It just doesn't fit her character. Timothy Phillips has a theory that her smoking is just her way of rebelling against expectations; she had to break the mold somehow. She has always been a unique kid who refused to follow the crowd.[/QUOTE]

mellowskipper said:So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

Speaking of lighters, I was finding them in my daughter's things back in seventh grade too... though back then, I hadn't really smelled cigarette smoke yet—not that I wasn't sniffing around. She used to bring these incense sticks from somewhere, the kind that makes me feel a little nauseous, and she’d light them whenever her friends came over. I know for sure they weren't experimenting with cigarettes then, but I also know that about six months later, by eighth grade, they were playing with cigarettes... along with her BFF who ended up smoking too. That was when the smell of smoke started sticking to her. And that was right when, after some pretty heavy talks, she finally admitted they had been smoking.
I’m not saying this is definitely what’s happening with your daughter, but I do think it’s worth keeping an eye on things... just to try and stop things before they get too far along if you can...
Honestly, you probably won't be able to stop her from trying a cigarette if that's where her head is at. And whether she likes it or not afterward... well, that’s down to her. My daughter unfortunately liked it, so she kept going...
To be fair to her, though... in this past year, she hasn't smoked any more than when I caught her and we made that unfortunate deal to "allow" it at home. It’s still just two or three cigarettes a day, which I decided I could tolerate as part of our internal agreement. I'm willing to look the other way on that much, treating it like a passing teenage phase... hoping it really is just a phase...
Even though some people on here suggested that smoking at home might just be the tip of the iceberg, and that she’s likely smoking way more when she's out... we never actually doubted that. It seems like she managed to find a sort of "balance" to make it all work. Every now and then I suggest she quit, and she usually says she'll think about it, but that's where it ends...
Now we're looking toward high school... we'll see how things play out once they step into that older crowd...

Larry Gonzalez83 said:Speaking of lighters, I was finding them in my daughter's things back in seventh grade too... though back then, I hadn't really smelled cigarette smoke yet—not that I wasn't sniffing around. She used to bring these incense sticks from somewhere, the kind that makes me feel a little nauseous, and she’d light them whenever her friends came over. I know for sure they weren't experimenting with cigarettes then, but I also know that about six months later, by eighth grade, they were playing with cigarettes... along with her BFF who ended up smoking too. That was when the smell of smoke started sticking to her. And that was right when, after some pretty heavy talks, she finally admitted they had been smoking.
I’m not saying this is definitely what’s happening with your daughter, but I do think it’s worth keeping an eye on things... just to try and stop things before they get too far along if you can...
Honestly, you probably won't be able to stop her from trying a cigarette if that's where her head is at. And whether she likes it or not afterward... well, that’s down to her. My daughter unfortunately liked it, so she kept going...
To be fair to her, though... in this past year, she hasn't smoked any more than when I caught her and we made that unfortunate deal to "allow" it at home. It’s still just two or three cigarettes a day, which I decided I could tolerate as part of our internal agreement. I'm willing to look the other way on that much, treating it like a passing teenage phase... hoping it really is just a phase...
Even though some people on here suggested that smoking at home might just be the tip of the iceberg, and that she’s likely smoking way more when she's out... we never actually doubted that. It seems like she managed to find a sort of "balance" to make it all work. Every now and then I suggest she quit, and she usually says she'll think about it, but that's where it ends...
Now we're looking toward high school... we'll see how things play out once they step into that older crowd...

I ended up missing my window to start smoking back when I was enrolling in high school—which, honestly, probably worked out for the best—but I still remember being absolutely floored by how many kids were already hooked. It wasn't just some casual experimentation, either; you could tell they weren't novices. They had that certain look about them—that specific way people carry themselves when they’ve been at it for years. I guess it felt like most of them had been smoking since they were seven or eight years old.
I realize I can't exactly step in to stop her—nor can I go around issuing some sort of prohibition—so I suppose all that's left is to hope she actually grasps our position and doesn't end up blowing it. Though, if she's going to try, I imagine she will... probably.

mellowskipper said:What I mean is that we won't be the ones buying her cigarettes. Her daily allowance is meant for things like a soda or an ice cream after school. Of course, she can always buy them later if she saves up, but then that becomes a matter of her own priorities. Certain things would just have to be given up...

I always try to set the money side of things aside when I'm looking at situations like this. My daughter gets an allowance that she uses for everything except cigarettes. We keep cigarettes at home and I pay for those, but even with how much she smokes, it only adds up to maybe $150-$67 a month. Before I made this call, I gave it some serious thought for two main reasons:
as long as there's mutual trust—and we do have that—I'll always know how much she's actually smoking. That way, I know she isn't relying on someone else's cigarettes because another parent is footing the bill. At the end of the day, it's about the relationship, not the dollar amount.
It would feel pretty hypocritical to give my girl weekly or monthly cash after letting her smoke and then say, "Here's some money, go figure out your own priorities."

We haven't really settled on a strict amount for her allowance, but I'd say it's around $400-$167 a year spent on everything else. Seems fair for an eighth grader. Obviously, stuff like sports, extracurriculars, clothes, and shoes come out of different funds.

Btw, how much do you guys give your kids for an allowance, and at what age? Is it a set amount or just whenever they need it? Are you teaching them any kind of financial discipline?

I honestly don't see how this could be considered hypocritical. It all comes down to basic prioritization—kids really need to learn that sometimes you have to pass on one thing if you want to afford something else later on.
It’s a simple trade-off, like choosing between grabbing ice cream with friends or saving up for a pack of cigarettes.
My daughter doesn't even get a set allowance once a month; instead, she gets a little bit of cash every single day $3.25 because she'll head out for a soda or an ice cream in the park right after school—or maybe thirty minutes before. And if she’s heading out to McDonald's or catching a movie with her group, she gets a bit extra for that too.