Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Jason Ortiz5 said:You ready? 🙂

She got handed three whole pages of dense, typed-out instructions on how to take care of her piercing. For the first two weeks, her girlfriend actually made her wear a longer stud just so it wouldn't squeeze if things started swelling up. So, after those two weeks were up, she went in to swap it out for a shorter one. Everything was super professional—gloves, sterile setup, the whole nine yards.

And get this—she even got a little "gift" in their promotional pack: a sticker and a condom. She was absolutely horrified. 🤣 I've gotta say, I really dig that. Honestly, props to them.

So, this condom just finished its second day of school. They were actually testing out how much water it could hold before it gave way. Honestly, kind of a wild experiment, right? 🤣

I only got a sticker myself. 🤣

A quick update on the teenage phase.
My daughter decided against getting any piercings after thinking it through; she realized it didn't really serve a purpose.
She also floated the idea of dyeing her hair, but I shut that down too.
Right now, she’s in a relatively calm stage. You wouldn't even call this the peak of puberty.
We made a pact to go tobacco-free for the New Year. I am still working hard to stay away from cigarettes myself. My daughter managed eight days before slipping up. She tried vaping first, which seemed to work for a while, but then I started seeing her light up a cigarette occasionally. Eventually, she went back to smoking after a few weeks of back-and-forth. I told her it was fine—if that's the price for peace in our house, as long as she doesn't overdo it.

Question for the parents who smoke:

How did your kids react back when they were around 8 to 10 years old to people smoking around them? Did it actually bother them? Like, if you’d grab a quick bite at a diner or head over to a friend's place where people were lighting up, did they even notice or care?

(And please, spare me the lectures about not taking kids to those kinds of places—thanks in advance.)

Arthur Reyes said:Question for the parents who smoke:

How did your kids react back when they were around 8 to 10 years old to people smoking around them? Did it actually bother them? Like, if you’d grab a quick bite at a diner or head over to a friend's place where people were lighting up, did they even notice or care?

(And please, spare me the lectures about not taking kids to those kinds of places—thanks in advance.)

My daughter started complaining at that exact age. She’d lecture us about how the smoke bothered her and how we were poisoning her and ourselves, even though we never smoked indoors around her and always avoided smoky environments. Eventually, everything falls into place. She started smoking in eighth grade. We had no idea she was doing it behind our backs, and suddenly, the smoke didn't bother her anymore. That’s actually how we caught her.
Shortly after that, she started lighting up right in front of me. It was clear she was a smoker now, and there was no point in pretending I didn't know, though she still wouldn't do it while I was right there. Now, the roles are reversed; I could easily lecture her about the smoke because I'm currently trying to quit myself.

...I honestly believe that just because a child reacts negatively to cigarette smoke doesn't guarantee they won't end up smoking later. My own experience tells me otherwise. You can have all the conversations and education you want, and you can try to manage their environment, but ultimately, it comes down to a specific moment of realization during their development. Leading by example is the most effective prevention tool we have. If you haven't modeled healthy habits regarding smoking, the chances are much higher that they will follow your lead. Even if they do start, it isn't necessarily the end of the world; it could just be a passing phase. People often start and then quit. In my view, almost everyone goes through a period of experimentation during their teens—whether it's at 14 or 18. That’s just part of growing up.

I mean, I’m just asking. I was curious about 🙂 but you guys actually gave me a solid lead—if people just stop obsessing over it

(It’s like if someone hops in a car right after grabbing a coffee, suddenly it’s a massive crisis, everyone’s changing clothes and washing their hair because they were "near the smoke"
)

And honestly, I know it doesn't really matter in the long run, but I was interested based on what I've seen.

I’d love it if my daughter didn't pick up the habit today or tomorrow. I don't smoke myself, but back in my teenage years, I thought being a smoker was just so cool and mature—I remember it vividly. It was never really my thing so I didn't get hooked, but I'd light up occasionally.
I had a totally chill adolescence, and if this makes her feel incredibly cool, then let her smoke. I guess I’ll nag a little, because that's just what parents do, and I really hope she doesn't start at 13 or 14... starting around 16 feels more acceptable to me. I'd much rather her have a cigarette to feel grown-up than move on to something way worse.

Arthur Reyes said:I mean, I’m just asking. I was curious about 🙂 but you guys actually gave me a solid lead—if people just stop obsessing over it

(It’s like if someone hops in a car right after grabbing a coffee, suddenly it’s a massive crisis, everyone’s changing clothes and washing their hair because they were "near the smoke"
)

And honestly, I know it doesn't really matter in the long run, but I was interested based on what I've seen.

I’d love it if my daughter didn't pick up the habit today or tomorrow. I don't smoke myself, but back in my teenage years, I thought being a smoker was just so cool and mature—I remember it vividly. It was never really my thing so I didn't get hooked, but I'd light up occasionally.
I had a totally chill adolescence, and if this makes her feel incredibly cool, then let her smoke. I guess I’ll nag a little, because that's just what parents do, and I really hope she doesn't start at 13 or 14... starting around 16 feels more acceptable to me. I'd much rather her have a cigarette to feel grown-up than move on to something way worse.

As a parent who has lived through all of this, I can tell you that as your kid grows up, your whole perspective on the stuff they might go through changes too. When they're little, you don't even think about making a scene over things that seem like a lifetime away. But then overnight, the years pass, kids start getting into mischief, and suddenly there's a real problem right in front of you that needs addressing. I had hoped that even if smoking became a reality, it would happen later in their teens when I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it, since parents lose a lot of influence by then anyway. My daughter started smoking in eighth grade due to a bunch of circumstances I've already mentioned, so I won't go into detail. There's no question about it, it was too early. Whether it's okay or not, by the time she was fifteen, we just accepted her for who she was, even though it was uncomfortable for us at first... especially for me.
And honestly, I'd take a cigarette over some other stupid mistake if that's how they try to act grown up. Kids grow up in the blink of an eye, and it's hard to play the cop in that game. Someone you were treating like a little kid yesterday is still basically a kid... they just happen to have a cigarette in their hand now.

Larry Gonzalez83 said:As a parent who has lived through all of this, I can tell you that as your kid grows up, your whole perspective on the stuff they might go through changes too. When they're little, you don't even think about making a scene over things that seem like a lifetime away. But then overnight, the years pass, kids start getting into mischief, and suddenly there's a real problem right in front of you that needs addressing. I had hoped that even if smoking became a reality, it would happen later in their teens when I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it, since parents lose a lot of influence by then anyway. My daughter started smoking in eighth grade due to a bunch of circumstances I've already mentioned, so I won't go into detail. There's no question about it, it was too early. Whether it's okay or not, by the time she was fifteen, we just accepted her for who she was, even though it was uncomfortable for us at first... especially for me.
And honestly, I'd take a cigarette over some other stupid mistake if that's how they try to act grown up. Kids grow up in the blink of an eye, and it's hard to play the cop in that game. Someone you were treating like a little kid yesterday is still basically a kid... they just happen to have a cigarette in their hand now.

I’m not quite sure what other kind of nonsense you're referring to, but you know as well as I do that one thing doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
In fact, if the Church views the whole situation as, "Aha, I did exactly what I wanted, my parents didn't even make a huge scene, and there's nothing they can do about it anyway," then she might see it as a green light to go out and try those "other things" too. 🤷

David Palmer5 said:I’m not quite sure what other kind of nonsense you're referring to, but you know as well as I do that one thing doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
In fact, if the Church views the whole situation as, "Aha, I did exactly what I wanted, my parents didn't even make a huge scene, and there's nothing they can do about it anyway," then she might see it as a green light to go out and try those "other things" too. 🤷

Sure, that's always a possibility. If we look at it that way, theoretically any kid could do anything. But some things are possible and some just aren't. I don't see this as some grand rebellion against boundaries. Every situation has its own set of rules. Just because I accept one thing doesn't mean I'm going to roll with everything else. Besides, I haven't even got a clue what else you think she'd do—I'm not about to spiral into paranoia over nothing. At the end of the day, the girl is "just" smoking cigarettes, and whether that's "just" something or not really depends on how you look at it. For starters, it's definitely not illegal, right?

David Palmer5 said:I’m not quite sure what other kind of nonsense you're referring to, but you know as well as I do that one thing doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
In fact, if the Church views the whole situation as, "Aha, I did exactly what I wanted, my parents didn't even make a huge scene, and there's nothing they can do about it anyway," then she might see it as a green light to go out and try those "other things" too. 🤷

As a parent who allowed smoking once it became an undeniable reality—since there was no turning back from the truth—I have to say it wasn't a case of "my parents can't touch me." At least, I didn't experience it as a rebellious assertion of will. I simply refused to make it a matter of life and death, and she was clearly tired of hiding. When I first saw her with a cigarette, it was obvious this wasn't a new habit; she had been doing this for a while, likely due to my own oversight and parental negligence. Should I attempt late-stage bans or threats? We all know that doesn't work. Instead, we turn a new leaf. If you smoke, you smoke. I treat her like an adult, we talk more often, we open up new topics, and we build a new level of trust. In return, I expect her to act maturely and reciprocate that trust. Believe me, it works. It improves school performance and home relationships above all else.

My daughter is 14, and while she hasn't been the "sweet child" type for a while, things have become incredibly difficult over the last few months. We recently caught her with cigarettes; she claimed a friend's friend gave them to her. My husband and I had a bit of a standoff with her about it, and she promised she was done. Then, just the day before yesterday, I catch her with them again. She claims she’s just holding them for a classmate so I won't find out—I told her if she's busy being a storage unit for her friends, who's looking out for her? It's the same story with alcohol; she's tried it, and honestly, she can outdrink me when she thinks I'm not watching. Just two months ago, she was insisting she didn't need a boyfriend, and now she's suddenly in a "serious relationship" (in teen terms, anyway) that's only a month old. The guy is nearly 17, and he seems just as immature for his age; apparently, he has ADHD. He is exhausting—he talks non-stop, and then they just lock themselves in her room when he comes over. As her mother, I obviously don't approve, so I feel like I'm just getting in their way. I demand they unlock the door or that they only hang out if others are around. I'm genuinely scared because they both seem so reckless, and I worry they'll rush into sex, which feels way too early at 14. I realize she needs to experience life, but it feels like she's trying to cram everything into the next month or two. Officially, she doesn't go out much; she just hangs with her group at a local coffee shop or Starbucks nearby, but she has a 10:30 PM curfew. My struggle is that I was a pretty good, obedient kid. I might have had a few cigarettes in my life, but I never got drunk, never went overboard with alcohol, and only had a couple of crushes before meeting my current husband at 17.5—we were each other's first. I know life doesn't have to be perfect, but it shouldn't all happen at 14 either. Academically, she's great, so school isn't the issue. What bothers me most is this snobbish, materialistic worldview she's developed. Everything is about money—designer clothes, the latest iPhone, you name it. It's like she only values friends based on their social status. She dreams of working multiple jobs starting at 18 just to buy a condo and a luxury car. Every time I try to ground her or give her some perspective, we end up fighting because she says I'm being negative or unsupportive. How do I change this part of her upbringing? Is there any hope? My husband and I both work and make enough for our needs, but we aren't flashy spenders. Her motto is that it's better to work three jobs if it means making more to spend more. Because, in her eyes, money is just meant to be burned through, right?

Sandra Wells5 said:My daughter is 14, and while she hasn't been the "sweet child" type for a while, things have become incredibly difficult over the last few months. We recently caught her with cigarettes; she claimed a friend's friend gave them to her. My husband and I had a bit of a standoff with her about it, and she promised she was done. Then, just the day before yesterday, I catch her with them again. She claims she’s just holding them for a classmate so I won't find out—I told her if she's busy being a storage unit for her friends, who's looking out for her? It's the same story with alcohol; she's tried it, and honestly, she can outdrink me when she thinks I'm not watching. Just two months ago, she was insisting she didn't need a boyfriend, and now she's suddenly in a "serious relationship" (in teen terms, anyway) that's only a month old. The guy is nearly 17, and he seems just as immature for his age; apparently, he has ADHD. He is exhausting—he talks non-stop, and then they just lock themselves in her room when he comes over. As her mother, I obviously don't approve, so I feel like I'm just getting in their way. I demand they unlock the door or that they only hang out if others are around. I'm genuinely scared because they both seem so reckless, and I worry they'll rush into sex, which feels way too early at 14. I realize she needs to experience life, but it feels like she's trying to cram everything into the next month or two. Officially, she doesn't go out much; she just hangs with her group at a local coffee shop or Starbucks nearby, but she has a 10:30 PM curfew. My struggle is that I was a pretty good, obedient kid. I might have had a few cigarettes in my life, but I never got drunk, never went overboard with alcohol, and only had a couple of crushes before meeting my current husband at 17.5—we were each other's first. I know life doesn't have to be perfect, but it shouldn't all happen at 14 either. Academically, she's great, so school isn't the issue. What bothers me most is this snobbish, materialistic worldview she's developed. Everything is about money—designer clothes, the latest iPhone, you name it. It's like she only values friends based on their social status. She dreams of working multiple jobs starting at 18 just to buy a condo and a luxury car. Every time I try to ground her or give her some perspective, we end up fighting because she says I'm being negative or unsupportive. How do I change this part of her upbringing? Is there any hope? My husband and I both work and make enough for our needs, but we aren't flashy spenders. Her motto is that it's better to work three jobs if it means making more to spend more. Because, in her eyes, money is just meant to be burned through, right?

Every puberty is definitely different, but basically, it always boils down to pushing boundaries. It's a message: "Hey, I'm growing up, I'm changing, deal with it whether you like it or not."
There's a point where you have to let go a little, and another where you have to draw hard lines that simply cannot be crossed. It really comes down to your gut feeling. Sometimes, you have to consciously turn a blind eye to one thing just to send the message that you understand they are maturing, even if certain behaviors fly in the face of your own personal values. It's diplomacy... walking that fine line.
If you found cigarettes twice, she’s likely actually smoking and doesn't really care; otherwise, she would have put more effort into hiding them. Our daughter also started smoking at 14, and we didn't make a huge deal out of it. I wrote about that before. It's obviously not good that she smokes, but in the end, she turned out to be quite moderate and self-controlled about it. I'm not sure how things would have gone if we had gone straight to punishments and bans. Knowing my child, it probably would have backfired. We just chose to look the other way on that one.
With your daughter, it could be that she's still just experimenting and might move past the habit. Find a time and a way to talk to her. If she truly is smoking, you might not have much choice but to let it happen, even though it sounds terrifying right now. She'll smoke as long as she wants until the moment it's no longer "cool" or she decides it's bothering her. If she's just experimenting, keep talking to her about the health risks and stuff. My friendly advice... if the worst-case scenario happens, try to stay calm and don't make a massive deal out of it, though I know that's incredibly hard at first. It's not the end of the world, okay?...
Regarding everything else, there are some similarities to what I've gone through... I definitely see that generational connection. My daughter is more of a straight-A type, so school is usually totally fine. She rarely goes out, and if she does, it's usually during the day... just grabbing coffee with a few girlfriends here and there. There isn't even any drinking involved yet, not even among the guys in her group. Vaping is huge for them though—mine won't touch it, nor will those Heets things which honestly taste terrible—and they mostly hang out at local coffee shops or near the high school. I have to say, most of the kids come from good families, so they're decent enough... but how long that lasts, who knows...
Status symbols like having the newest iPhone or designer clothes seem to be everywhere, but then again, that's always been a thing, hasn't it? What actually started bothering me wasn't the phone itself, but the fact that it's become an appendage... you can't go to the bathroom or even get into bed without it. She's typing away all day, staring at that screen until she's exhausted, all the way until evening. It’s turned into a serious addiction. If we head out and she forgets her vape, she doesn't care; she'll just use mine or buy one later. But if she forgets her phone? We have to turn the car around and go home, because heaven forbid she stays offline for two hours and misses whatever it is people miss these days...
You mentioned your daughter's materialistic attitudes. Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Working three jobs at eighteen to be financially independent sounds great... when you're fourteen. Once you hit eighteen, you realize there aren't actually that many people looking to hire someone that qualified, skilled, and smart. In the end, you realize it's better to be on your parents' dime than working three jobs for the exact same amount of money. I figure it's just a passing phase...
The one area where I can't really give you solid advice is the whole thing with boys and her locking herself in her room. Not because I think it's such a massive problem—though I definitely understand why you're uncomfortable—but just because I haven't personally dealt with anything like that yet...
I wouldn't dare try to tell you how to handle something like that, but if I had to say one thing... it's talking, talking, and more talking. Don't avoid it. As a mother, you have more influence there than anything else...
Best,

My kid is nowhere near puberty yet, but thinking back to my own teenage years makes my skin crawl. It was a completely different era in the 80s; nobody gave a damn what kids were up to. In the summer, you’d be out the door in the morning and wouldn't come back until dark. No smartphones, no tablets, no security cameras—I was basically home alone from the first grade onwards.
Growing up, my mom's sister lived in the house next to ours—she was only eight years older than me and a total icon. She was obsessed with getting into art school, though she never made it. She leaned hard into the goth look, wearing ripped tights like it was a uniform, dyeing her hair black and red, listening to music I couldn't wrap my head around, and doing her makeup like Quincy from the Cure or Slađana Maddox. I remember being in fifth grade and raiding her makeup bag just to mimic her, then frantically scrubbing it all off with water and cheap shampoo before school. Once, she used black nail polish, and since I had nothing to remove it with, I ended up scraping it off with a nail file and a kitchen knife.
Around that time, I started stealing cigarettes at home—either from my mom or from my aunt, I can't even remember how. I still remember that first cigarette; it was a local brand, and I was just pretending to smoke because I didn't actually know how. This went on for months until my aunt finally caught me smoking her stash behind the house. She looked at me and said, "For heaven's sake, let me see if you're actually smoking." Then she realized, "You aren't even smoking properly, you're just puffing air." She told me to keep the cigarettes but warned me not to let my mother find out, or she'd kill both of us. Even as a little kid, I knew how to light up in front of my aunt, who didn't care much because she was just as rebellious as I was, acting more like an older sister than an adult... she just covered for me. By seventh grade, I was smoking for real. I always had some flimsy excuse to go visit my aunt, when really I was just going for a smoke.
That was also when I dyed my hair black for the first time, at my aunt's place, obviously. My hair is naturally dark, but not black, and when I showed up with the fresh dye job, my mom nearly fainted. She made me wash my hair five times just to dull the shine so I could at least go to school with my hair tied back.
That was the first and only time I ever dyed my hair, but I loved having a bit of makeup on. Back then, if you had a strict teacher at school, you better wipe that makeup off or they'd call your parents in for a meeting.
They caught me smoking at home pretty quickly, but they teased me more than they actually tried to stop me. Mom used to call me Grandma Hatidža, like that character from the prison, when she saw me smoking like a Turk despite being such a little kid. And back then, everyone was smoking, young and old alike.
Tattoos and stuff like that weren't a thing back then. I remember my uncle had one on his arm from his time in the military...
I did whatever I felt like doing until halfway through high school, but by 16 or 17, I had settled down. My first real love happened at 18; we waited for college until 19, and I stayed with him for three years until he moved to Germany and everything fell apart.

I’ve always wondered where people used to find actual black nail polish back in the eighties. Back in '91, I was basically just mixing ink into my clear coat to try and get a dark shade, and it wasn't until around '93 that a friend visiting from London finally gave me some real black polish. 😂

Andrew Sanders64 said:My kid is nowhere near puberty yet, but thinking back to my own teenage years makes my skin crawl. It was a completely different era in the 80s; nobody gave a damn what kids were up to. In the summer, you’d be out the door in the morning and wouldn't come back until dark. No smartphones, no tablets, no security cameras—I was basically home alone from the first grade onwards.
Growing up, my mom's sister lived in the house next to ours—she was only eight years older than me and a total icon. She was obsessed with getting into art school, though she never made it. She leaned hard into the goth look, wearing ripped tights like it was a uniform, dyeing her hair black and red, listening to music I couldn't wrap my head around, and doing her makeup like Quincy from the Cure or Slađana Maddox. I remember being in fifth grade and raiding her makeup bag just to mimic her, then frantically scrubbing it all off with water and cheap shampoo before school. Once, she used black nail polish, and since I had nothing to remove it with, I ended up scraping it off with a nail file and a kitchen knife.
Around that time, I started stealing cigarettes at home—either from my mom or from my aunt, I can't even remember how. I still remember that first cigarette; it was a local brand, and I was just pretending to smoke because I didn't actually know how. This went on for months until my aunt finally caught me smoking her stash behind the house. She looked at me and said, "For heaven's sake, let me see if you're actually smoking." Then she realized, "You aren't even smoking properly, you're just puffing air." She told me to keep the cigarettes but warned me not to let my mother find out, or she'd kill both of us. Even as a little kid, I knew how to light up in front of my aunt, who didn't care much because she was just as rebellious as I was, acting more like an older sister than an adult... she just covered for me. By seventh grade, I was smoking for real. I always had some flimsy excuse to go visit my aunt, when really I was just going for a smoke.
That was also when I dyed my hair black for the first time, at my aunt's place, obviously. My hair is naturally dark, but not black, and when I showed up with the fresh dye job, my mom nearly fainted. She made me wash my hair five times just to dull the shine so I could at least go to school with my hair tied back.
That was the first and only time I ever dyed my hair, but I loved having a bit of makeup on. Back then, if you had a strict teacher at school, you better wipe that makeup off or they'd call your parents in for a meeting.
They caught me smoking at home pretty quickly, but they teased me more than they actually tried to stop me. Mom used to call me Grandma Hatidža, like that character from the prison, when she saw me smoking like a Turk despite being such a little kid. And back then, everyone was smoking, young and old alike.
Tattoos and stuff like that weren't a thing back then. I remember my uncle had one on his arm from his time in the military...
I did whatever I felt like doing until halfway through high school, but by 16 or 17, I had settled down. My first real love happened at 18; we waited for college until 19, and I stayed with him for three years until he moved to Germany and everything fell apart.

Believe me, growing up like that was much better and healthier than how things are today.

rowdypanther12 said:I’ve always wondered where people used to find actual black nail polish back in the eighties. Back in '91, I was basically just mixing ink into my clear coat to try and get a dark shade, and it wasn't until around '93 that a friend visiting from London finally gave me some real black polish. 😂

Back in the mid-90s—I think it was around then—you could pick up those black nail polishes all over Chicago. I remember back in my high school days, there were quite a few goth girls running around; everything was pitch black, including the nails, of course. I recall everyone used to call them "typhus girls"—though, I suppose, that wasn't exactly accurate.

rowdypanther12 said:I’ve always wondered where people used to find actual black nail polish back in the eighties. Back in '91, I was basically just mixing ink into my clear coat to try and get a dark shade, and it wasn't until around '93 that a friend visiting from London finally gave me some real black polish. 😂

Haha, yeah—neither fruit yogurts nor black nail polish were exactly easy to come by back then!😂

I don't think I ever actually wore black polish myself; I guess I didn't have that specific teenage rebellious phase. My daughter, though, she’s all over it—she'll put it on, decide she hates it, and scrub it off immediately. She's just burning through money for nothing!☕

What do you mean there weren't any fruit yogurts? Are you kidding me? I swear my entire childhood was basically defined by that specific, sickly sweet smell wafting through the hallways during school snack time

mellowskipper said:Back in the mid-90s—I think it was around then—you could pick up those black nail polishes all over Chicago. I remember back in my high school days, there were quite a few goth girls running around; everything was pitch black, including the nails, of course. I recall everyone used to call them "typhus girls"—though, I suppose, that wasn't exactly accurate.

It was already mid-90s by then, yeah 😁

Michelle Nelson4 said:Haha, yeah—neither fruit yogurts nor black nail polish were exactly easy to come by back then!😂

I don't think I ever actually wore black polish myself; I guess I didn't have that specific teenage rebellious phase. My daughter, though, she’s all over it—she'll put it on, decide she hates it, and scrub it off immediately. She's just burning through money for nothing!☕

Most days I go with black. Even if my nails are the only place people notice color on me, black is just a classic and my go-to choice 🙂

Peter Rogers said:What do you mean there weren't any fruit yogurts? Are you kidding me? I swear my entire childhood was basically defined by that specific, sickly sweet smell wafting through the hallways during school snack time

lol, she was referring to the outbreak 😁

Michelle Nelson4 said:Haha, yeah—neither fruit yogurts nor black nail polish were exactly easy to come by back then!😂

I don't think I ever actually wore black polish myself; I guess I didn't have that specific teenage rebellious phase. My daughter, though, she’s all over it—she'll put it on, decide she hates it, and scrub it off immediately. She's just burning through money for nothing!☕

I've been rocking black polish since my thirties.
Now I'm 50 ☕