How to build real self-confidence?

Nathan Wells45 · 2004-12-02T13:53:28+00:00

I realize there is value in self-confidence. Being certain of oneself is generally considered a virtue. It is perfectly acceptable. However, I find overly conf…

Charles Young Member

45 messages
joined Sep 2005

#21 · Dec 13, 2004

Look, I have zero interest in changing who I am. Maybe this lack of confidence is a flaw, or maybe it’s actually an asset... because most people out there are just drowning in ego. They walk around with their heads too high and their vision way too narrow. Personally, I’m more of the type to sit back in the corner and observe everything. Right now, that works for me.

I’m just not the kind of person who forces myself onto others. It feels cheap to me. Even though I know if I acted like a loudmouth at my university classes, I’d probably get much further... but I won't. You guys can go ahead and lose it, thanks for nothing, goodbye. That applies to everything.
The one thing I will fight for is my opinion. Sometimes I take it too far, especially when I'm grabbing a quick bite at 😁, even if I turn out to be dead wrong.

restlesshawk52 Newcomer

3 messages
joined Dec 2004

#22 · Dec 14, 2004

There’s a massive difference between actually being confident and just being an arrogant jerk. Honestly, some people seem to think they’re one and the same...

velvetpilot212 Active Member

102 messages
joined Aug 2004

#23 · Dec 14, 2004

restlesshawk52 said:There’s a massive distinction between being confident and just being arrogant. Some people seem to mix them up constantly...

Exactly, and I couldn't agree more. I guess sometimes people just convince themselves they're something they aren't—totally certain of their own brilliance and opinions—only to end up looking like complete fools. It’s basically just a total lack of self-esteem masquerading as pure egoism. 🙂

silverviper16 Newcomer

4 messages
joined Nov 2004

#24 · Dec 14, 2004

Nathan Wells45 said:Look, I get it. Confidence is great. Being self-assured is a solid trait.

Totally fine by me.

But honestly? Super confident people just... rub me the wrong way. They’re kind of repulsive to me.

Take Anne, for example. She totally repels me. It took me forever to pin down why, but now I see it—it's because she’s so damn convinced of her own beauty. And look, she *is* beautiful, and good for her if she loves Self and all that blah blah blah—but to me, it’s just off-putting.

Or like, I was watching this girl on TV the other night. She composes, writes, sings, dances, wins all these competitions... she’s clearly talented, and she knows it. She lists out everything she can do, and... I wouldn't say she's acting superior, but she's hyper-aware of her own value. She knows exactly what she brings to the table.

And yeah, she repels me too.

Man, it's not even the kid's fault, but I feel like such a jerk because I can't help reacting this way when someone is just standing their ground perfectly well.

I actually find people much more approachable when they have those little flashes of self-doubt—even when they really shouldn't. Even the ones who are just as capable and know they're worth something, but still carry that slight hesitation.

The doubters, the ones who aren't overflowing with ego? Those are the people I vibe with. They feel warmer, more human.

Am I the only one who has this weird emotional reaction to other people's confidence?

😘

rustyangler68 Member

15 messages
joined Dec 2004

#25 · Dec 14, 2004

I can't quite put my finger on who first said it, but honestly? The world is just overflowing with people who are far too full of themselves.
Confidence is overrated. At least, the kind most people call confidence. There’s a massive difference between actually believing in your own skills and genuinely thinking you can conquer everything you ever desire.

Mark Hughes36 Active Member

109 messages
joined Feb 2023

#26 · Dec 16, 2004

Nathan Wells45 said:Look, someone might be genuinely charming, but once they realize it—once they actually become aware of their own pull and start acting like they know everyone sees it—that charm just evaporates. They change. That self-awareness turns into an ego that separates them from everyone else.

I agree.
To me, it’s the same thing as when someone tries way too hard.

Jessica Nguyen85 Active Member

162 messages
joined Jul 2003

#27 · Dec 16, 2004

I tend to view confidence as this internal realization—that your skills, your traits, your knowledge, or even just your raw potential are enough (when looking at things objectively) or perhaps superior (subjectively, compared to others) to actually tackle something, whether it’s an event or a new commitment. While that realization is still unconfirmed, there are these identified "gaps," which look like self-doubt to outsiders. Internally, though, it’s more of a struggle because I like to think people are actually working to fix those gaps, basically patching the holes, which feels like a positive way to spin the whole thing. The negative spin would be the people who can't wait to point out those flaws just so they have an excuse to quit. Both paths are just different ways of dealing with the same underlying issue.

The way Anne carries herself with such "confidence" is really just her knowing that whatever she says carries weight simply because of her beauty. It's a conscious awareness on her part; she’s just leveraging the opportunities that present themselves, even if they have nothing to do with having the confidence to say something smart, funny, or interesting. It happens because the eyes react before the brain does. That specific kind of "confidence" is more accurately described as an illusion, or occasionally, a bit of manipulation (kind of like a calculated move).

It's a completely different vibe when you're the one observing these confident people. It gets pretty complicated because how you perceive them depends entirely on the context. Sometimes they feel like a threat, sometimes they're just boring, sometimes they come off as egotistical, annoying, inspiring, or even necessary. It's very rare for them to trigger a truly neutral reaction.

Jack Harris3 Regular

451 messages
joined Dec 2002

#28 · Dec 16, 2004

Paul said:I’d just add that it’s easy to feel confident when you’ve got this whole safety net behind you supporting every move.
If that disappears, you lose a part of yourself—maybe even all of it—along with that sense of certainty.

Chuckles! 😂
And if that happens... honestly, maybe you didn't deserve it anyway. 😛

Real confidence is about having faith in Self. That’s literally what it means.

If your entire foundation relies on outside support, and losing that makes you crumble, then you were never actually confident to begin with... 😁

The real base for confidence isn't other people... it's knowing who you are and, more importantly, being honest with Self.
Most people just love to lie to themselves, though... so a lot of what looks like "confidence" is really just built on shaky ground, acting a part, or just plain old ego... 🙂

Tyler Grant76 Active Member

79 messages
joined May 2009

#29 · Dec 16, 2004

rustyangler68 said:I can't quite remember who said it, but honestly? The world is just crawling with people who are way too full of themselves. It's everywhere.
Confidence is overrated. Or at least, what most people call confidence. I mean, there’s a big difference between actually believing in your own skills and just thinking you can do absolutely anything you put your mind to. Maybe that's just my take, but I guess we shouldn't confuse the two.

😕
When people are truly secure, what they can do and what they actually want to do tend to line up. I guess that’s just why they stay that way.
That doesn't necessarily mean they’re arrogant, I guess... it just means they aren't exactly humble. Knowledge is a funny thing; depending on the situation, what seems like a lot might actually be quite little. To me, self-confidence is more about knowing your own worth by your own standards. That way, when you run into someone—or some situation—that totally outclasses you, you don't just hang your head in shame. You just take it as a lesson and keep moving forward. 🙂

Maybe you have to aim for the absolute highest peak just to find a way back down... I guess you need that height if you ever want to feel like you're actually rising again. 🙂

I mean, what would even count as overconfident behavior, anyway? For instance.

Jack Harris3 Regular

451 messages
joined Dec 2002

#30 · Dec 16, 2004

Tyler Grant76 said:You have to aim for the absolute peak just so you can experience that massive drop... it's what gives you the momentum to rise back up.🙂

I don't know, I guess I’d say you should just be true to who you are... and then try to reach your own version of the top.😁

rustyangler68 Member

15 messages
joined Dec 2004

#31 · Dec 16, 2004

Tyler Grant76 said:😕

What does "overconfident" actually look like in practice?

Take an athlete who spends all their energy on mental toughness and "manifesting" success, but completely ignores their actual training regimen—then they tank.
Or how about when you're driving and you're so certain you know the way that you refuse to ask for directions, only to end up lost and late?
Those are just mild examples. Maybe I didn't frame it quite right. I’m not saying confidence is inherently bad. It's just that it feels overrated compared to other traits. We live in an era where every social media influencer and self-help guru is obsessed with boosting your ego, while more grounded qualities get totally ignored.

And let's be clear: being cocky isn't the same thing as having self-respect.

Tyler Grant76 Active Member

79 messages
joined May 2009

#32 · Dec 16, 2004

Jack Harris3 said:I’d say you just need to be true to yourself and reach your own peak. 😁

But how can you even know who you are without some kind of yardstick? 😁 How do you measure it? 😍 😬
I guess you end up measuring yourself against whatever people you actually know who happen to be better than you.

rustyangler68 Member

15 messages
joined Dec 2004

#33 · Dec 16, 2004

Tyler Grant76 said:😕
it isn't about them lacking modesty.

Take modesty, for instance. It’s an underrated trait. When I say that, I mean people today automatically label modesty as a flaw, linking it to a lack of self-esteem. I don't think that's the case at all. Of course, being overly modest can be a problem.
By that same logic, if both modesty and confidence are just basic human traits, and you agree that someone can be too modest, why couldn't they be too confident? It’s the same principle as being too beautiful, too tall, or too...
.

Tyler Grant76 Active Member

79 messages
joined May 2009

#34 · Dec 16, 2004

rustyangler68 said:Like, take an athlete who works super hard on their mindset and confidence, but then they totally neglect their actual training and just crash and burn.
Or, say you're driving, feeling really sure of yourself, you think you know exactly which way to go and won't even bother asking the passenger—so you end up taking a wrong turn and running late.
Just mild examples, I guess.

Those aren't really the right examples. That isn't actually about confidence.
The first one is just not knowing your own limits. It's pure stupidity.
The second one tells us the driver is just being vain 😁 and would rather make a mistake than admit they don't know where they're going just to save face.

Maybe I didn't express myself very well. I don't think confidence itself is bad, but maybe it’s overrated at the expense of other traits. Like, nowadays in the media or all those self-help books, everyone talks about building up your confidence, while other important qualities get completely ignored.

And self-confidence isn't quite the same thing as self-esteem.

Alright, well, explain it to me then. Keeping in mind the difference between confidence and self-esteem... 😁 Personally, I think you can tell someone's confidence just by how they carry themselves. If I'm truly confident, incorrect criticism doesn't hurt because it's just wrong, and accurate criticism doesn't hurt because it helps me improve. So, if confidence is higher, I guess the vanity that would stop me from taking criticism is lower. 🙂

Tyler Grant76 Active Member

79 messages
joined May 2009

#35 · Dec 16, 2004

Modesty? I guess what would even be the point?
And honestly, why would we want to hide or downplay our own skills or knowledge? Maybe I have some incredible talent that I don't even notice because it's just my baseline, so if I didn't react to a compliment about it, someone might mistake that for being humble. But it isn't really that; I think we're just measuring things differently.

coastalorca3 Member

38 messages
joined Dec 2002

#36 · Dec 17, 2004

Confidence is a joke—just a modern myth. You see these "confident" types all the time, preaching about how you need to "sell yourself."

It’s all part of this recent wave of nonsense that's become trendy lately.

Personally, I don't give much thought to how "confident" someone is—it doesn't really mean anything to me. Instead, I tend to focus on whether someone is

a) intelligent, communicative, and objective

or maybe just

b) arrogant, foolish, uncommunicative, a poser, or just plain aggressive.

And honestly? There are more of the latter.

Larry Cruz51 Active Member

120 messages
joined Jun 2008

#37 · Dec 17, 2004

Rough topic to tackle...
First off, I don't think you can really talk about general self-confidence as a single unit.
For instance, I might be absolutely certain that I’m a pro in Field A, yet I wouldn't dream of claiming that same level of mastery when it comes to Field B.
Nobody—unless they are incredibly arrogant or just plain dim-witted enough to believe they excel at everything—can maintain high levels of confidence across every single discipline. And if someone actually claims to have that, well, they’re just giving us something to laugh at (take Ljubo Ćesić Rojs or those vapid socialites who flock to compete for miss😁).

Confidence itself is such a wonderful feeling. But you don't just conjure it out of thin air; it's built on how the world reacts to you. If 90 out of 100 people tell me I'm attractive, then sure, I'll feel pretty confident about my looks. If they all tell me I'm unattractive, I'm probably not going to feel particularly self-assured either... unless, of course, my IQ is hovering somewhere near the level of an amoeba.

People who can't stand seeing others project confidence usually have much deeper issues than those who radiate it. They simply can't "allow" anyone else to feel empowered because, quite frankly, they're just projecting their own jealousy over the lack of that feeling within themselves...

rustyangler68 Member

15 messages
joined Dec 2004

#38 · Dec 17, 2004

Tyler Grant76 says:
Modesty? What purpose would it even serve?
Being modest (according to Anić) simply means someone doesn't brag or act like a big shot.
— basically, they aren't making excessive demands or pretending to be more grand than they are. That third definition doesn't really matter here.
I don't see what the problem is. It isn't saying someone thinks they aren't good enough. Clearly, we just view things differently. I have nothing against that, if you'll allow me to have my own opinion, which is that modesty does serve a purpose.
As for the distinction between self-confidence and self-assurance, some psychologists differentiate them by treating assurance as something tied to a specific skill (like driving a car) while self-confidence is seen as a general disposition. I'll concede that I might be wrong there.

Jack Harris3 Regular

451 messages
joined Dec 2002

#39 · Dec 17, 2004

Tyler Grant76 said:How can you even begin to know who you are if you don't have anything to measure yourself against? 😁 How do you gauge it? 😍 😬
You end up measuring yourself against whatever people you happen to know who might be a step ahead of you...

But what does any of that actually matter? Whether you're "better or worse" than someone else—you're still just who you are. 😁
Honestly, constantly comparing yourself to others is usually the quickest way to ensure you never become the person you actually want to be... 😂

rustyangler68 Member

15 messages
joined Dec 2004

#40 · Dec 17, 2004

Larry Cruz51 says:
Great topic.
If 90 out of 100 people tell me I'm attractive, then yeah, I'm going to believe I am. If they all say I'm ugly, well, my confidence is going to take a hit—unless, of course, my IQ is actually hovering somewhere around the level of an amoeba.
]

I think this hits the nail on the head. There have actually been studies on this. They took a group of women who were objectively similar in appearance (if such a thing even exists) and had them wait in a lobby for testing. Half the group was given compliments on their looks by male participants acting as researchers, while the other half got nothing. The ones who received those compliments walked into the study feeling significantly more confident about how they looked.

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