How to build real self-confidence?

Larry Cruz51 said:Confidence is such an incredible feeling. But honestly? You don't just conjure it out of thin air... it’s built on how the world reacts to you. If 90% of people tell me I look great, then yeah, I’m going to feel pretty good about myself. If they tell me I look terrible, well, my confidence is going to take a hit too... unless, of course, my IQ is basically non-existent.

See, the thing is, I’ll still think what I think, even if 90 out of 100 people tell me the exact opposite... or something completely different. 😁
And I definitely don't think my brain is functioning at an amoeba level. 😂
I just see the world through my own eyes... and frankly, I couldn't care less what everyone else sees. 😉
But since even I 😍 can be wrong sometimes, I have to agree with Sloan on this one:

When you're truly confident, wrong criticism doesn't sting because you know it's wrong, and right criticism doesn't hurt because it actually helps you grow. And the more self-assured you are, the less vanity gets in the way of actually listening.

Jack Harris3 said:Look, I’m just going to say what’s on my mind—it’s either 90/100% certain or it’s the exact opposite. 😁
And frankly, I don't think my intellect is lacking... 😂

See, you are completely convinced that you're being witty.
But you aren't.
Honestly, it's just off-putting...

Jack Harris3 said:Look, you’re totally convinced that you're being hilarious.
But you're really not.
Honestly... it's just cringey to watch.

And there it is. Just a textbook example right there. 🙂
I don't care about how I look to you, but I care about how I look to myself... and you aren't even trying to act. 😁

Mr. Pease said:What does that even matter? Whether you were "better or worse" than someone else—you're still just who you are. 😁
Comparing yourself to others usually just makes you act in a way that isn't actually you. 😂

Romance 😁 😁 I guess setting a baseline is necessary. Comparison isn't quite the same thing as competition. Maybe it's the awareness that both I and everyone else are just exactly who we are, nothing more and nothing less, that lets me look at our differences with a bit of peace.

Clota said:Now that's a great point. Some studies have shown this: a group of women with objectively similar looks (if such a thing exists), while waiting in a lobby for testing, half received compliments on their appearance from male participants tasked with giving them, and the other half didn't. Those who got the compliments were apparently more confident in their looks.

I think you're missing the conclusion again. 🙂
That 'experiment' wasn't really about self-confidence; it was about vanity and how susceptible we are to what people think. If I know that I look like a 7, but in a room of ten specific women I look like a 10, while in another group of ten I look like a 3... well, that doesn't change my own perception of being a 7. Not really. My confidence in my own looks stays the same regardless of those opinions.
I'm not saying I'm immune to compliments. I'm not. But as long as I'm not, I suppose I'm not totally immune to negative criticism either. The goal is to get free from both. 😁 😁 😁

Klota said:Modest (according to Anić) = someone who doesn't brag or act high and mighty
- someone without excessive demands or pretensions of grandeur. The third definition isn't really relevant here.
I don't see what's wrong with that. It doesn't mean they think they aren't good enough. I guess we just view things differently, which is fine, if you'll allow me to have my own opinion—and mine is that there’s a purpose to it.

You didn't answer me: what's the point of being modest? What exactly makes it a positive thing?

And what about "constructive criticism"?

coastalorca3 said:But what about all that talk regarding "constructive criticism"?

I guess if you’re actually confident in yourself, wrong criticism doesn't sting because it's just plain wrong. And accurate feedback? That shouldn't hurt either, since it helps you grow. It fixes things. Maybe when your self-assurance is high enough, there isn't much room left for the kind of ego that stops you from listening.

🙂

Tyler Grant76 said:If I’m actually confident, wrong criticism doesn't sting because it's just wrong. And right criticism doesn't hurt either, because it helps me grow. It fixes things. Basically, the more self-assured you are, the less ego gets in the way of taking feedback.

🙂

But there's a catch. Before the criticism even happens, are you confident enough to take a leap of faith? To jump into the unknown knowing you're good enough to handle whatever fallout comes your way?
The people who won't jump, even when they clearly could, aren't confident. But those who dive in headfirst—even if they're just mediocre—that's true confidence.

What are the odds I actually added something to this debate? Based on my level of confidence? 100%. 😁

blueranger12 said:But before you start criticizing, are you actually confident enough to leap into the unknown? Like, do you know you're good enough to handle whatever criticism comes your way?
Well, I guess people who don't take the leap—even when they clearly could—are just lacking confidence. And those who jump, even if they're just average, well, they've got the confidence.

😁 Objective by whose standards? I'm not really looking at some established canon here. Maybe I'll stay quiet 😬 if the sheer numbers and force of an opposing opinion threaten to shut me down permanently. But honestly, I don't give a damn. 😍

It doesn't matter how objective you think you are. 🙄 😁 Even in the grand scheme of eternity, it's all meaningless. That’s what gives you the right—and I think it's an obligation, really—to just have fun while you're here. 😍

What are the odds that I actually contributed to this discussion? Based on my own level of self-assurance... 100%. 😁

100% 😎

Tyler Grant76 said:And he’s right to say it.

Look, I’m my own king, my own god, my own 😍 😁 fine by me. No issues there. But making it public? Showing everyone else that they don't need to bow down to me? That’s what I call being "objective."😁

I don't know. My relationship with the world goes way beyond simple stuff like "self-confidence." For me, it's much more intense than that. I can't really relate to that label. In my head, I'm the best, but I'm also the bad guy because nobody else sees it. Figure that out yourself.😕

Plus, I'm pretty hammered right now and just trying to crawl into bed without feeling sick.😁

My respects to you, young blueranger12 😍 We can talk about the deeper meaning of all this in the morning.

Just get some sleep 😘

Tyler Grant76 said:I bow to you, young blueranger12. 😍 We can talk about what this all means in the morning.

Go to bed. 😘

No, I'm bowing to Tyler Grant76. 😍 😘

Seriously though, I'm heading to sleep now. 😁

Never liked these drunken outbursts, but someone once told me, "You'll get there too..." Well, here I am! Sigh...

🙂

Klota said:Being humble (according to Anic) means you don't brag, you don't act like a big shot...
basically, you aren't making huge demands or acting like you need anything fancy or grand.

Look, I’m not a humble person. 😁
And I’m definitely not one of those people who puts on a "fake humble" act—you know, pretending a quality is smaller than it actually is just to look good—but at the same time, I won't lie and claim I have something I don't. 😁
Plus, I have plenty of demands and ambitions. Honestly, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't go after them and try to make them happen. At the end of the day, everyone wants the absolute best for themselves (whatever that looks like for them or whatever their own standards might be)... and if they fail to get it because someone told them they had to stay "modest," well, that's really their own problem. 😁

Tyler Grant76 said:Romance 😁 😁 Setting the baseline is essential. Comparing isn't the same thing as competing. Honestly, just being aware that both I and everyone else are exactly who we are—nothing more, nothing less—is what lets me look at our differences with a sense of peace.

Hmm... I still can't quite get past the idea that who other people are doesn't really matter when you're trying to figure out yourself.
What if you stumble upon a trait in yourself that you've never seen in anyone else? Can you even truly recognize it? 😉

Is Jack Harris3 a woman?

Jack Harris3 said:What if you discover a trait in yourself that you haven't noticed in anyone else? Can you even become aware of it?😉

🙂 🤔

I guess I’d probably need some serious philosophy background to make a real argument here, but my gut says no. If I haven't seen it in anyone else, I'm still just measuring it against what I already know about myself. To really grasp the quality or character of a trait, I think you need a point of comparison. It's like... if I say "I have fair skin," I'm already accepting a definition of what "fair" means. Like, we agree that a mostly pinkish tone is called "fair" 😁 while something much darker is called "black." To define a complex personality trait, I suppose I have to lean on these existing definitions just to make sense of it.

Jack Harris3 said:Hmm... I still feel like how others are doesn't matter when it comes to understanding who you are.

That
isn't necessarily a contradiction to what I just said. Comparison is just a tool, I guess.

Hmm... 🤔 So, what you're actually saying is that if we want to define anything—including ourselves—we first have to wrap our heads around specific terms? And since those terms all lean on one another and share overlapping meanings, it becomes this whole interconnected web of definitions...

Anthony Harris14
Exactly. 😁

Jack Harris3 said:Hmm... 🤔 So, are you actually saying that to define anything—including ourselves—we need to understand specific concepts? And since those concepts are interconnected by their very definitions, they naturally rely on one another?

Yeah. I guess we also need to adopt some kind of framework—like a philosophy, maybe—that’s unique to us, which lets us judge whether a concept is positive or negative.
Take judging someone's sense of humor, for example. It might be seen as a plus in your system, but a minus in someone else's. It doesn't just exist out there as some universal truth. Your internal system might align with the majority, so people would generally call you 'funny,' but if someone uses a totally different set of values, they might see you differently. Your belief that you possess that trait isn't necessarily an absolute fact in every single context. It’s more like a 🤔 social agreement 🙂 In that light, being confident about being funny would mean realizing that while most people recognize it, if they don't, it's just because your evaluation systems don't match. Anyway, there’s really no way to prove that quality to someone who sees things differently. Unless there's a significant shift in their own framework... 😁 😁 😁

I wouldn't link this kind of negative self-assurance—which is what this thread is actually about—to actual skill or competence
It’s just a pose, a performance, and a marketing gimmick

Others might be just as capable, if not more so, but they won't go out of their way to project that specific vibe

I've simplified the whole thing: there are good people and there aren't
Good people don't trigger these kinds of negative reactions from those around them
Mainly because they don't try to sell a version of themselves that isn't real
Nor do they feel the need to climb by stepping on someone else
Good people are humble and decent, all that idealistic stuff😁

Sloan said:Your[/I] assumption that you’re just built that way isn't always an absolute truth in every single context. It used to be more of a 🤔 social 🙂 agreement. In that light, being confident about your sense of humor would mean recognizing that while most people usually get it, if they don't, it’s simply because their internal yardsticks are different. Either way, there's no way to force someone to see that quality in you if they don't already... Without some significant shift in how they perceive things, 😁 😁 😁

You’ve got a point there, and honestly, just add the fact that some people couldn't care less about anyone else's standards or the outcomes they produce—they only play by their own set of rules—and you've basically described me. 😂

And yeah, I'm with you on that first part too, since even our personal systems are built upon "concepts" that we all share.
But then again, half of what makes a person who they are can't really be squeezed into a neat little definition, because some things just defy rational explanation... 😉
When I talk about self-awareness, I'm not just talking about listing traits or descriptions. I mean truly understanding how you function, why you react the way you do instead of some other way, and all those other messy details that are just too complex for words.
We might all be made of the "same" basic parts, but the intensity and the way they’re wired together is unique to everyone... so trying to make a direct "comparison" with others doesn't really hold much water...