How to build real self-confidence?

Clota said:So, regarding modesty—this is how I see it. I’m fine with unbranded clothes. I don't need a luxury car just to prove something. A smaller vehicle works for me. When someone tells me I did a great job on something, I won't spend the next ten minutes bragging about myself; I’ll just say thanks. I know I did well, and honestly, that’s just confidence. I guess that proves confidence and modesty can actually coexist. And I certainly don't feel the need to shout about being smart... there's a practical side to this too—I’m not going to go into massive debt for a flashy car and then struggle to afford basic living expenses. You agree there's some logic in that, right?

To me, choosing not to flaunt status symbols just so I don't end up broke later isn't really modesty; it's just smart financial planning, I suppose.
I don't have a car because I don't need one, but when I eventually do, I want one I actually like. 😁 The price tag or whether people view it as a status symbol doesn't really matter to me. I’m not going to buy a cheap clunker just to perform "modesty" if I can actually afford a nice ride.
Similarly, I won't deny myself something that I can comfortably afford and that brings me joy. There aren't many things like that, by the way. I just don't have a huge drive for ownership.

Compliments about my ideas, my work, or even my look—they make me happy 🙂, but I don't cling to them. And I don't really count them as genuine compliments if they come from someone who, in my opinion, doesn't actually know what I'm talking about. Those feel pro forma and pretty useless.
Also, if I’m proud of something, I’ll tell the people I care about. Seeing my loved ones succeed also makes me happy 🙂. I wouldn't call that vanity; I see it more as an exchange. Someone's work is just a reflection of their thoughts—it's a way to communicate. I don't see why I should hide it, or downplay it, if it happens to be the most exciting thing in my world at the moment.

What’s the main topic of discussion here?

Kesten said:What are we even talking about here?

It started out as a debate about overconfidence, but things took a weird turn.

The whole conversation reached that stage where everyone's just arguing about whether apples taste good even if they're mostly rotten inside.

Give me a like or shine on this👍

Kesten said:What's even being discussed here?

😳

Thanks for the heads up 😉 🙂

Ridiculous...

😎

Sloan said:Here are my thoughts, and a few questions for you:

Modesty? What’s the actual point of it?
And why on earth would anyone hide or downplay their own skills or knowledge? If I have a talent that’s just part of my DNA—something I don't even think twice about—and I don't react when someone praises it, is that modesty? Not really. It’s just that we’re using different yardsticks.

Fine, then walk me through it.

You still haven't answered me: what is the purpose of being modest? What exactly is the upside?

If you’re interpreting this as an attack, a provocation, or some attempt at manipulation or confrontation, then honestly, screw it. 🙂 Sloan just likes to talk. She likes to have a conversation. 🎉 🎉
I don't care how many posts someone has made.

OK, like I said—that’s just how I see it, and I’m glad we aren't on the same page there. I see you agree that this has nothing to do with the actual thread anymore. I feel the same way. Even if we don't see eye-to-eye on the whole confidence thing, I think we're both smart enough to realize there's no sense in derailing the topic any further! 👋

Some might call it confidence, others just plain old ignorance. It’s back in the spring of '92—late evening, mind you—sitting in a second-class coach on a train cutting through the heart of America, heading from the North down South... Two older guys (in the States, we'd probably just call them rednecks rather than "gentlemen") are deep in conversation about the upcoming elections.

So, these two fellas in their 50s—let's call them the younger one and the older one—are hashing out their political preferences. Now, I'm just eavesdropping on fragments here, but it’s pretty obvious the older guy is a die-hard anti-communist who wouldn't give a single vote to those folks if his life depended on it. The younger guy agrees with the anti-communist sentiment, but he seems to be leaning more towards our local favorite, Savannah, while feeling a bit skeptical and frankly suspicious of Harmon. And that's where we jump in:

"I mean, come on, even Harmon was a communist at heart, wasn't he? He was a US Army general!" says the younger guy.

"No, he wasn't!" the older man snaps back.

"What do you mean he wasn't, man?!" (the younger one, obviously).

"He wasn't, he just wasn't!" — and at that point, the older guy just closes his tired eyes and drifts right off to sleep...

shipka said:It's just vanity. A confident man can still be humble; they aren't mutually exclusive.

That’s my point, and you seem to be the only one catching on.
These women have completely lost it over marketing hype. 😁

You can be high-quality and confident in several different ways.
Depending on how much ego or arrogance is involved, the reaction from those around you will vary.

In my view, whether someone is selfish or not is what truly drives social interactions.
Everything else is just noise.

Jack Harris3 said:shipka, you missed the point. 😁
I don't actually think being humble makes someone a jerk. I'm saying that what Mark Hughes3 used as an example wasn't humility—it was just being a jerk. 😉

What one person calls (axiomatically) being a jerk, another won't.
Look, it's obvious I exaggerated with my example
because some things are hard to put into words.

The fact that you see this as pure assholery shows we operate on completely different wavelengths.

Here’s a slightly more detailed breakdown:

Two kids, acquaintances or friends, but maybe not best friends.
One has enough money for two scoops of ice cream.
The other has nothing.
There are no social cues here to indicate one kid comes from a wealthy family while the other doesn't.
The situation could play out in several ways:

1 - One kid buys two scoops without offering any to the other.
2 - One kid offers a scoop, the other declines, and he buys two anyway.
3 - One kid offers a scoop, the other declines, so he buys two separate single scoops.
4 - One kid offers a scoop, the other accepts, and they share.
4 - One kid offers a scoop, the other declines, so he decides not to buy ice cream at all.
6 - One kid realizes the other is broke and skips the ice cream entirely, avoiding any awkwardness.

...

I know it might seem like we've drifted from the topic.😁
But this fits my simple theory perfectly.

To some people, certain options above automatically signal being a jerk.
To me, they don't.
These are all possible human reactions, depending on how selfish or selfless someone is.
There is no right answer.
No one should feel guilty if they would act differently than you in the same situation.
It’s just how it works—there will always be people to fill every one of those categories.

shipka said:That’s why I don't judge any kind of self-promotion when it’s the only way to actually get ahead.

It isn't about judgment.
There is one level of maturity where you accept that in today's world, you have to fight to "make it."
The second level is having an emotional reaction to the specific way someone chooses to promote themselves—which can vary wildly and be more or less annoying.

Not to mention that people also have emotional reactions to what an individual wants out of life.
Some want everything, some want a lot, and some might not want anything at all (which makes them look fundamentally 😁 broken to certain people).

Sloan said:You didn't answer me: what’s the point of someone being humble? What’s actually positive about it?

Let’s play a little game of amateur psychology, shall we?😁
Do you really think there’s anything inherently good about humility? 😁

There isn't much point—some people are just born that way, others aren't.
Everyone triggers different reactions from different types of people.
One person might find modesty charming; another will just find it ridiculous.
There was some proverb about flocks, but I can't recall it. 😁

Mark Hughes36 said:4 - the kid buys one scoop twice after offering one to the other guy, and he accepts it.

2 - the kid buys two scoops at once after offering one to the other guy, but he turns it down.

Personally, I’d go this way... 😁

Jack Harris3 said:Here is my take. 😁

I never even doubted it. 😁
In my book, scenarios 3 and 4 are the most likely outcomes.

3. Not really. If I ask you and you don't have the confidence to just admit you want some—well, that's on you. Honestly, I'd probably feel worse about it... But if you truly aren't interested, then it won't even bother me if I just grab two scoops for myself. 😁

In the meantime, I actually went through an advanced self-confidence seminar, so I’ll be pretty upfront about wanting a scoop if you don't offer one first. 😁
So yeah, I'm not just being modest... I'm being downright shameless. 🤣

Jack Harris3 said:I wouldn't. If I ask you and you lack the confidence to just admit you want some, that’s on you. I'll end up eating more anyway. And if you really can't resist, it won't even bother me when I polish off two servings. 😁

In the meantime, I’ve completed an advanced course on self-confidence. Given that, I might just have to ask for a little extra credit if you aren't planning on offering it yourself. 😁
Let’s just say I’m not merely being modest—I’m being downright shameless. 🤣

You’d probably fare quite well navigating this post-capitalist wasteland. 🙂
It’s all easy when your own selfish desires happen to align perfectly with the hollow ideals this society forces upon us.
Based on your responses in this thread, that's likely the case. 🙂

There can be plenty of reasons for turning someone down; it isn't always about a lack of confidence.
Some people are just more guarded than others.
They’ll likely turn down pretty much everything on the table.
Depending on how well you actually know them, you could run Scenario 3 without worrying about it coming off the wrong way.
Of course. You have to know exactly how to play your hand.

Mark Hughes36 said:you’d probably fit right in within this whole post-capitalist setup we live in... 🙂
if your own personal wants happen to line up with the version of an "ideal life" that society tries to shove down our throats...
based on how you've been answering things here, that's likely what's happening... 🙂

Not really. Most of my own desires actually run counter to everything society and the media try to push on us.
But it isn't just about knowing how to ask for what I want—I'm even better at turning down what I don't. 😉

3 - there can be plenty of reasons for saying no, and it doesn't always come down to low self-esteem...
some people are just more private than others...
and they'll politely decline (pretty much) everything offered to them...
depending on how well you know them, you can navigate that third scenario without any risk of it being taken the wrong way...
of course, you have to know how to handle it just right.

Why wouldn't you just let those private people stay private? 😁
Personally, I think that's total BS—it's just learned behavior, not what someone actually wants to be or have...
And obviously, you feel the same way, otherwise you wouldn't have bought him an ice cream cone though he turned it down. 😛
And yeah, I know how to handle it just right. If someone refuses, I'll just say, "Stop playing games, just tell me which flavor you want." 😁
If they insist on saying no, then I'll just "hear" them, buy myself two scoops, and tell them they're being ridiculous... 😁

Jack Harris3 said:Why wouldn't you just let people hide their true selves if they want to? 😁

You let some people show up, depending on how well you actually know them.
For everyone else, there's always option six.
Plus a trillion other ways to handle it.

Jack Harris3 said:Personally, I think it's all fake—just learned behavior rather than what someone actually wants to be or have.

Character, including that tendency to hide things, is just the sum of heredity and upbringing.
The point is they are who they are. There’s no need to try to change them or label them as losers.
They're just different.
No moral judgment required.
Just a matter of how much emotional fallout you can stomach based on your own temperament. 🙂

Whatever.😁

I agree that I don't need to change people like that, but saying they're just cheapskates? I don't see it that way at all... 🙂
If someone is practically drooling over my ice cream even after turning it down, how is that being a cheapskate? 😁

Jack Harris3 said:I agree you shouldn't change them, but I disagree that they should be labeled as cheapskates.🙂
If someone starts drooling over my ice cream after turning it down, that doesn't make them a cheapskate.😁

Not everyone processes things the same way,
and I wouldn't go so far as to call it stinginess.
Maybe I'd agree they might have a harder time in life,
but calling someone a cheapskate is still a negative judgment.