On top of everything, there's no Fear

...I honestly thought I didn't have anything left to care about
but man, was I wrong—having working AC is definitely something I care about now
I really believed the true river idea that just having a room was enough to exist—except my room is sitting at a blistering 104 degrees right now (maybe I took things too literally again🙂
I bet you wanted to see me crawling around, begging a dragon for help... and that's exactly what I did. But what are you gonna do? Just keep stubbornness running the show, I guess
It’s exhausting trying to carry all these realizations, whether it's half of them, a fifth, or just a tiny fraction
It is so easy to just push everything down... and hey, you actually still have the energy to keep pushing it all away
My own words are turning against me😉

Brian Moore2, I picked up Castned and just cruised through it, nice and easy, all the way to page 85 where he first lays out those four enemies of man. Honestly? It’s pretty brilliant. Not bad at all... huh. Anyway, I'm gonna go grab a quick walk.
It hit me maybe three or four days ago—I realized I don't fear death anymore. This was actually before I even started the book. I just remembered some things Uranus said, and it felt like I finally grasped the true river of what was being written.
It's wild to me that this hasn't clicked for me sooner, because once you see it, it's just so obvious and simple... I'm dying to know what the wizard has to say about it!!!!!!!!

Mercury.

Fredy... man, you are something else... haha! LOL
Insanity is laughing because we're all just cracking
Don't we deserve just one more shot at it?
Why can't we just give love one more chance?
Why can't we just give love, give love, give love, give love
give love, give love, give love, give love, give love
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves Cause love's such an old fashioned word dares you to change how we
care about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under Pressure
Under Pressure
Pressure 😉

Nevermore (Mercury)

it feels like there's nothing left of my life to live
as if the oceans have evaporated and the clouds simply refuse to break
I beg of you, please don't spend any more time in tears
is it really so hard to see
just listen to the wind, if you could only whisper back to me
do not cast me onto that desolate path toward nevermore

not even those low valleys
where the sunlight used to feel so warm and gentle
they have nothing left to offer, nothing at all to bloom
can't you see what's happened
why was it necessary for you to walk away from me
why did you lead me on with such deception
you've driven me straight toward the path of nevermore
all because you claimed your love had finally run dry
nevermore
nevermore
😢 🙏

Richard Murphy6, just give this a read and let me know what you think.🙂

Look, my first impression isn't exactly mind-blowing. Still, Castaneda’s descriptions of how hallucinogens hit are pretty fascinating. I can tell there's a lot of truth tucked away in what Vracev says, though I'm definitely going to have to sweat a little to really crack the symbolism behind his words... especially when you consider the era this was written in (the 60s, if I remember correctly right!!??)
Castaneda’s own breakdown of it all feels way too broad and abstract for me... but hey, it's a decent attempt and a pretty gutsy move on his part.
The big takeaway for me—at least for now, since I plan on re-reading this book a few more times along with the rest of the series—is that part where Vracev explains that Castaneda basically has to figure it out on his own. That’s where Castaneda gets stuck (for good reason, too) and just cuts it off...
Because of my anxiety disorder, I’m always drawn to stuff involving the subconscious...
Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty down and full of Fear, and I used to tell myself: "Man, this isn't fair... everyone else seems to have had some kind of teacher, mentor, or guru... someone to interpret things and guide them through the woods, even just a little bit. Like to eat and such."
I'm on my own. I would give anything to have someone to lead and teach me. There's even that old saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"... and honestly, I'm more ready than I've ever been.
I'm not going to rush it; I'll take my time working through the rest of the books....
It is interesting, though, how Castaneda mentions that anxiety before taking any drugs (whether it's mescaline, weed, or Dim) yet he handles that "deep dive into the subconscious" so well. To me, he comes across as this totally cool, rational, scientific guy—probably super mentally stable. I don't really get his motivation at all... but then again, I've only read this once, pretty superficially... and I wasn't a huge fan of the writing style; it felt overcomplicated to me. Lately, I've only really appreciated simple styles, like Coelho and stuff like that.
My brain has been a bit mushy the last few days, so I'm struggling to find the right words to explain exactly what I didn't like about it...
I found Vracev’s explanation of why the raven shape is chosen so interesting (since ravens are respected by Native Americans, and Zagor even has one on his shirt... etc)
To be honest, I can only say I've grasped a little bit of it right now. Still, I'm glad I pushed myself to read it because I've been sitting around being lazy lately, which is basically fuel for my condition... and maybe even a symptom of it.....
I'm really curious about your take on death—you know, when you realized that it wasn't something to feel Fear toward. I'm not scared right now, but I don't feel like it's helping me much either, other than the fact that it's no longer an obsession causing my depression and restlessness... I'm back to feeling sluggish, and I feel like everything is tied back to that Fear (which wasn't the only thing, but it was useless and stupid...
Talk soon... or as Twixy would say, let's keep typing! 😉

DIRE STRAITS - Passionate Trouble... or as George from Surrealist Comedy would put it, just pure chaos

Private Investigations Inc.

Honestly, it’s a total mystery to me—the whole game kicks off
for the standard rate—plus whatever costs I rack up
digging through confidential info—like some secrets buried in a diary
look, this is my own private investigation—not some Senate hearing!

So, I’m out there hitting the pavement—really digging up the dirty laundry
you run into all kinds of characters in this business, believe me
betrayal and backstabbing—people will find any excuse for it
and even when I finally figure out why, it still hits me just as hard—FACT

And after all that grinding, what do you actually have to show for it?
what’s the payoff?
Just a bottle of bourbon and a fresh batch of lies
Windows and a pain behind The eyes Scarred for Life

Totally scarred for life—and don't expect a settlement check
Private Investigations Inc.
May these sanctions last forever!!!🙂

Look, Richard Murphy6, I first read the Don Juan teachings back around 1987—read the whole book cover to cover. Since then, I’ve circled back to certain passages that really hit home, reading them over and over. I might dive into some more parts if I had my hands on the book, but I actually gave my copy away to a friend. I haven't been able to force myself through his other works, but I promise you, the next one on my list will be "separate reality."

Regarding death, it sort of happened by accident while I was serving in the military. It was as if everything just became indifferent—whether I lived or died didn't matter anymore. I was ready to be a kamikaze. If someone had told me back in '91 that I needed to learn how to fly a jet and nose-dive into a target loaded with explosives, I would have done it without a second thought. Since those kinds of missions weren't on the table, I just consistently headed toward the heaviest fighting. Still, it felt foolish to die for nothing, so I made sure to watch my step. From those experiences, I realized that dying isn't actually as easy as people think if you're being careful—unless you're just incredibly unlucky and a shell lands right on top of you, though even that isn't a guarantee. I don't know how else to put it, but it occurred to me that death is something you simply have to earn; as long as you still have something left to offer, it isn't your time. Of course, if a superior enemy shows up, you can get crushed pretty quickly, but that never happened to us—we were always better and more precise. Now, I feel like I've simply earned my end, and I don't feel even a shred of fear regarding death; in fact, I'm waiting for it with open arms. I have no intention of taking my own life, even though the thought crossed my mind several times after the war ended. Suicide just seems fundamentally stupid to me. When I consciously drove my car straight into a red light once, it felt like I was looking for an exit, but I saw that death simply wasn't going to take me. I don't think about it like that anymore. And one more thing: I'm no believer, and I don't hold any illusions about an afterlife, but I couldn't care less whether I see tomorrow morning. I believe I've earned my peace, and while there might be a few things left for me to contribute, they are mere trifles that humanity can certainly manage without me.🙂

I'm betting No123 that there’s still some damn reason you're hanging around... Because if there wasn't, you'd be dead already.

Honestly, all I need to do is take a quick look back at my past, or even peer further into the future, and it hits me instantly—as clear as day—that my life is just a total mess!
The thing is, I’m pretty damn sure I’m partly to blame for all this... which sucks, because I’m fully aware that it isn't just everyone else's fault either. Sure, every now and then I’ll stumble upon some beautiful sentiment or catch a glimpse of a friendly face, but the sad part is knowing that I am also part of that—I know exactly who I am and what I'm not. It’s a bummer, really.
I know that I am everything, yet I am completely alone.
But hey, that’s exactly what I wanted.
Sometimes I feel like opening up to someone about how I’m feeling or what’s spinning around in my head, but there’s really no point. I’ve been trying to do that my whole life.
Depending on how you look at it, you could call my state of mind depression, or maybe a mental illness, or even just being an extreme introvert... but from where I'm standing? It's nothingness. That’s where I find my peace.😉 Ondda when I feel like having it, or pure chaos when I get bored... or Fear when I realize I've started acting just like everyone else!!
Anyway the wind blows....

Look, you didn't have the right to... I'm typing this out...
...but honestly... I've just had enough. Go get some help. My history of craziness is way too long to fit into one night before sunrise.🙂

(Unbelievable... seriously, this just totally cheered me up... how great are these little emojis? Ah, it's the small things that make life worth living... I feel like jumping for joy right now! It’s hard to pick just one, especially when you're dealing with multiple personalities where your mood flips every single second... I want to use them all right now... man!!!)

So, I was planning on just chilling for the afternoon—you know, lie down, maybe catch a quick nap. But instead, I ended up stuck in that weird limbo right between being awake and falling asleep. I didn't even realize I had drifted off. The dream felt incredibly real. The plot wasn't even anything special, but then out of nowhere, I started feeling this unbearable Fear inside the dream. It hit me as actual physical pain—this massive, pounding headache that just kept ramping up and up at a terrifying speed. That was the only moment I actually "realized" or hoped that I might "just" be dreaming. So, with that tiny sliver of conscious thought left, I decided to just ride it out. I figured, "Fine, let's face the Fear," even thinking maybe it could be some kind of healing thing... but man, it was impossible. It was too much because I wasn't even 100% sure I was dreaming, and the fear just kept intensifying... I finally jolted awake with the last bit of strength I had, totally disoriented and nursing a killer headache. It didn't last long (call it a nightmare, I guess)... honestly, damn the day I ever learned about the subconscious. What a mess, living a life where your subconscious runs the show instead of you.
My friends turned their backs on me, my own brother betrayed me, and I've lost every single battle so far, but I'm still fighting the war🙂 hehehe, I’ve still got enough gas in the tank for a little self-deprecating humor... I'll pull myself through this even if it's the last thing I ever do......😎

end aj fil sik🙂

Tonight, I had to face the fact all over again: anxiety is this terrifyingly beautiful, divine thing!
I can feel the octane pumping through my veins, that pressure building up in my head—but hey, so what!
THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO FOR ANY OF US

that just isn't how I roll, man
I've dated plenty of women
but none of them ever hit like she did

I loved everything about her
she lived right across the street
and she always had me whenever she wanted

the streets
this bloated city
those weird thoughts spinning in her head
the world
neither good nor bad
there's no room left for new ideas
for people like us

people call out my name
and I just smile back at them, feeling great
those damn lies meant for the naive
and honestly, I don't care
Fear doesn't touch me
there's nothing I can do for any of us
I don't give a damn about the petty bickering
or the money we all need to survive
and frankly, I don't care
I'm not afraid
there's nothing I can do for any of us

Richard Murphy6, when things go south and everything starts hitting the fan, what’s your move? Do you actually fix the mess or just bail?

I mean, some people live for that adrenaline rush, so they go out and do stupid stuff just to feel it. And others might crave it too, but they just retreat so they can chase that same high without ever changing anything. Maybe that's the whole point—just staying stuck in an endless loop. If that's the case, the real question is... does that life actually work for you?

If it does, then maybe start by cutting out the part of yourself that's making it happen.

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
he isn't kidding around
he’s got a total phobia of earthquakes
living way up in the hills

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
you can see it right there in his eyes
numbing the pain with cheap bourbon
no chance of him lying to you now

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
his legs start shaking like crazy
he went out and bought one of those fancy Teslas
and now everyone's just making fun of him

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
the whole world turns gray
so I order him another round
and head on out

And out on the street, everywhere you look
there's a branch of Wells Fargo
with bureaucrats crawling out of them
Man, folks, now I get it—I'm terrified!
Only now do I truly understand what fear is
and honestly? I'm scared too

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
he’s worried sick about his daughter
wondering if she'll need pills
she's only thirteen years old

When Mickey says he’s feeling the Fear
it feels like I'm stepping off a cliff
my stomach turns, I'm breaking out in a sweat
I feel like throwing up🙂
Took a little break out in the countryside... huh, recharged the batteries, did some thinking... tried to "put it all together"... did pretty well, actually. I'm going to lay low for another bit... and this song, ah, brings back a little nostalgia... a glimpse of my old self😛

..some future version of me🙂
...and the whole world is my kingdom
I’m making peace with the great unknown
growing stronger under a sky full of wandering stars
standing solo, but never really feeling alone
I don't need anyone's permission
😉
Long live death, long live life.. Richard Murphy6 is gone, long live Richard Murphy6

...for who!? For myself!!
Maybe even for some potential angel out there, because who knows? Maybe our little universes will collide one day. Just convince me that life is beautiful, even when it breaks every rule and law in the book.

Love Hides
Love hides in the strangest places
Love hides in familiar faces
Love comes when you least expect it
Love hides in narrow corners
Love comes for those who seek it
Love hides inside the rainbow, yeah
Love is everywhere, yeah
Love is the answer

I just can't help but love Barrett. Love keeps me grounded, and honestly, the more selfish we act, the more Fear starts creeping in from that hollow void inside us.😉
Sometimes I just find myself singing: "I don't want to live in the projects, I hate the whole wide world!"😉
Now, psychoanalysts—well, maybe just one of them gets it perfectly—say that HATRED and LOVE are basically two sides of the same coin in nature and the unconscious. They follow totally different logic down there. For the more sensitive folks out there, they say the secret is just peacefully accepting both the love and the hate you feel for someone. Seriously, give it a shot, it’s amazing!! hahaha
It’s like what Shakespeare wrote about things being illegal, though I might be off on that one.
Personally, I’d put together a photo gallery of some hardcore neurotics like Sartre, Kierkegaard, and Dostoevsky... mostly because of how they looked! And then there's Morrison, who was self-destructive to a fault but still loved deeply (Tom, you're such a dummy... hahaha... and if you want the ultimate example of a neurotic whose impulse for self-aggression hits home, look at Jesus of Nazareth... or even Peter Pan, that eternal kid who, when faced with death, just shrugged and said, "Death? Just another adventure." That is pure madness!)
The perfect example of sublimation? Me.
The rational system actually builds itself right out of the wreckage of the ego. It's brilliant... cheers to Complexes !!!!