On top of everything, there's no Fear

..let me tell you what's on my mind
Iron Lion Zion
I'm getting all these "expert" tips flying at me from every direction, but honestly? I just want to live life on my own terms.
Sorry no 123.. I had no clue you were going through that "sweet" phase.. Just a month ago, I actually helped a buddy of mine get admitted to a psychiatric ward. He didn't trust anyone but me. To be honest, he was showing symptoms almost identical to what we're seeing with No 22.. For 4.. let me repeat, 4 days he was out... OUT! And after 4 days... he’s stronger than ever, more confident than ever. The guy is studying at MIT, and seriously, he's one of the smartest people I've ever met—and I've met plenty of absolute morons... People like me because I'm easygoing; I don't force my truth on anyone. I used to be insecure, but him? He was overconfident. Uncompromising. He swung his opinions around like a broadsword. People avoided him because they feared him, even while they admired him. Mostly, they just stayed away or hated him. Now, he's even "worse".. His saving grace is that he has perfect logistics behind him (his parents.. who, in my opinion, are nearly perfect, super understanding, and stable).
They hit him with a mountain of pills. Ten different psychiatrists were hovering over him, and he basically just brushed them all off without a second thought...
I actually went to see a psychiatrist yesterday... decided after a long time that I just needed some support. He told me my neurotransmitters are out of whack (which makes sense, since I'm a medical biochemistry engineer). He claimed psychotherapy is useless because Sigmund Freud didn't understand biochemical processes. There's some truth to that; I'd be a fool to deny it. But I love Kenny more than myself, and since Kenny loves Freud, I really hate it when people talk trash about him.🙂
Someone mentioned that just because there's a lot of something doesn't mean it's true.
It brings me such sadness, everything I've learned about people and myself.
To handle the truth, you've got to be tough... plain and simple.
I read in the New York Times that 70% of Americans are expecting Jesus to "return".... Well, it's not time for Jesus yet. He already said His piece, and so did Stulic.. so did Freddie Mercury.. and so did Jim Morrison and Vladimir Gruden (probably the most of all, even if he wasn't aware of it back when he was writing).
To most people, Lucifer is the devil.. but he's the one bringing the light. People are just terrified of the light.. looks like I still am too.
Iron Lion Zion
The psychiatrist didn't calm me down.
And it wasn't some guru talking about Kundalini or chakras or Sathya Sai Baba either.
Fear is Fear.. at least someone dealing with Neurosis knows what it feels like.
I'm done writing about my realizations.. I don't want to confuse or scare people, and I'm tired of exhausting myself.
Maybe I'll just post some light, symbolic song lyrics later.
All my life, I've listened to people who speak with total certainty. "I know!" they'd say. But they didn't know anything.. they just thought they did.. they believed in lies.
Now, I know more than most. And I'm at peace. Now, I'm just going to keep getting stronger and stronger and stronger.
There's nothing wrong with being unsure.. if I had been totally certain of myself, I probably would have ended it all. Instead, I'm alive, and I'm glad for it... here and there.

To be perfectly honest

I Just Want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world

But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

If things were different and I actually felt comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't feel so aimless and terrified
But that's not how it is right now; I feel completely lost within myself

And the loneliness is so heavy I can't even stand being alone with my own thoughts
I Just Want to be happy again.

DIDO(our girl 🙂)

Dido, your girl... hehehe... their people behind them, our people behind us, all celebrating and fearing at the exact same time!
Lauster says ideologies are what tear people apart.
And one poet once said: 'If you lose your strength by looking too far ahead, if you no longer know which way to turn, then how can evil possibly be any worse?'😕
"Could You Be Loved"

Could you be loved and actually love in return?
Could you be loved and actually love in return?

Don't let them play you,
Or even try to lecture you! Oh, no!
We've got minds of our own,
So they can go jump in a lake if their thinking isn't right!
Love would never leave us hanging,
A-yin.

Could you be loved and actually love in return?
Could you be loved, oh wow! - and love in return?

(Life's a bumpy ride and you might trip up too,
So while you're busy pointing fingers, someone else is judging you)
Love your neighbor!
(Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?)

Don't let them change you, oh! -
Or even try to reshape you! Oh, no!
We've got lives to lead.
They claim: only - only -
only the strongest of the strong will make it through -
Keep breathing! Hey!

Could you be loved and actually love in return?
Could you be loved, oh wow! - and love in return?

(You won't realize you're thirsty until the well hits bottom;
No matter how you treat him, the man will never be satisfied.)
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! Speak up!
(Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! Speak up! (Speak up!)
Speak up! Speak up! (Could you be loved?)
Speak up! Speak up! Reggae, reggae!
Speak up! Rockers, rockers!
Speak up! Reggae, reggae!
Speak up! Rockers, rockers!
Speak up! (Could you be loved?)
Speak up! Uh!
Speak up! Come on!
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?)
Speak up! (Could you be - could you be loved?)

...I used to actually read Richard Murphy6's posts (which were total fever dreams!), before everything turned into a massive copy-paste session. After that, I got impatient and just started quoting other people's stuff instead.🙂

Astolfo flies off on his winged horse straight to the Moon, only to find Orlando's sanity trapped inside a bottle. Because of his obsessive, fanatical love, Orlando completely lost his mind, and that mind drifted all the way up to the Moon. Through this, Ludovico Ariosto is trying to show just how intense and massive Orlando's madness really is—using the Moon as a symbol for how far away he is from being a rational human being. Now that Orlando is finally free from those heavy chains of love, he can actually get back into the fight.😉

CHARACTER STUDY: Ludovico Ariosto uses a whole gallery of characters here. He makes everyone feel so vivid and colorful, but the lead, Orlando, gets completely torn apart psychologically. Orlando is this massive, legendary knight—just a powerhouse of pure strength and energy. He’s the kind of guy who bends events to his will; he’s proud, brave, incredibly wise, and basically the master of his own universe. But then comes Angelica. Orlando falls hard, but she keeps brushing him off, which absolutely wrecks his confidence. For the first time ever, he wants something he just can't have. Then, he sees the names of Angelica and Medora carved somewhere, and that's it—it breaks him and his entire psyche. His pride is totally shattered. This huge, glorious, legendary knight realizes that, in Angelica's eyes, he's worth less than some simple shepherd. From his perspective, she basically laughed in his face when he expected love in return. That one moment crushed his entire identity, which was built entirely on honor and winning. That's when Astolfo steps in and points out his mistakes (like killing innocent people). Orlando finally realizes he was wrong and that you just can't control how other people feel. Slowly, he starts getting his head straight and stops seeing everything through such a tragic lens after his spiral.

Richard Murphy6 said:Sorry no 123... I had no idea you were going through that "euphoric phase"... Just a month ago, I actually had to take a friend to a psychiatric hospital. He didn't trust anyone but me. In my opinion, his symptoms were identical to yours, No 123. And let me tell you—after just four days... four days! He came out stronger than ever, more certain of himself than he’s ever been. This kid is studying at MIT, and honestly, he's one of the most brilliant people I've ever met—though I've certainly met my fair share of idiots. People like me are easy to love because I'm tolerant; I don't force my truth on anyone. I used to be insecure, but he? He was overconfident. Uncompromising. He cut through everything like a sword. That's why people avoided him; they were intimidated by him, yet they admired him at the same time. Mostly, they just stayed away or grew to hate him. Now, he's even "worse." His saving grace is that he has perfect logistics behind him—his parents are, in my view, almost perfect: understanding, stable, and supportive.
They just flooded him with pills. There were ten different psychiatrists hovering over him, and he basically brushed them all off without a second thought...

Pupa, I also studied at MIT and graduated back in '88.
I was known for being able to knock out five brutal exams during two testing periods right after summer break—something nobody else could pull off. I also left the hardest exam of my junior year for the final session, essentially deciding whether I lived or died. (P.S. Back then, we didn't have any of these modern study aids.) I didn't even look at the material all year. When the time finally came, I had eight days. I spent every single day in the library, grinding through 50 pages a day, and I actually learned it. I focused entirely on theory and didn't solve a single practice problem beforehand. On an exam with four problems, I nailed three perfectly and got half credit on the fourth because I ran out of time. I breezed through the oral portion and passed my third year. I should mention there were others who had nothing but that one exam to focus on all year, and they still failed.

Regarding my own "euphoric phase," I felt incredible. My concentration was intense; there was absolutely nothing I couldn't handle. I drove cars at high speeds, but with surgical precision. Everything would have ended very differently if I hadn't consciously run a red light and crashed (I think I wanted to see if I could come back to life). Luckily, when it happened, I didn't have a gun on me. If I had, I wouldn't have been jokingly taking the officer's hat off or threatening his job; I would have shot him on the spot. Maybe they would have killed me in the end, but I'm certain I would have taken several of them down with me, because back when I carried a weapon, I had two magazines with 31 rounds each.

P.S. Regardless of how brilliant your friend is, if he’s showing symptoms similar to mine, he needs treatment—he needs to take the medication—because things can spiral out of control fast. My "euphoric phase" lasted about 20 days; it started mild and then escalated rapidly. Nowadays, I take 1.5 mg of Risperdal in the morning and I feel great. No issues at all.

..his diagnosis was F16...basically an LSD overdose, or so they say..honestly, he’s been feeling a bit of Fear creeping in lately..but hey, I’m basically a pro at handling Fear, so we’ve pretty much got that under control..there's a 99% chance some "friend" slipped him a trip at a party. sneaky, right?
his faith has been wavering a little too...he drops by my place almost every day, we look out for each other, and it's working out pretty well so far
Kenny would probably drop a snarky comment about it..The blind leading the blind, right? But he'd be wrong...haha😎
👍

Look, go ahead and act all high and mighty; I'm just glad he doesn't carry a diagnosis like mine, specifically F20.0. If his symptoms were actually triggered by some planted drug, then technically he's perfectly healthy—assuming, of course, he isn't using drugs himself. 🙂

Richard Murphy6 said:..I used to actually read Richard Murphy6's posts (total nonsense), but once he started just copy-pasting everything, I bailed and started quoting other people instead.🙂

Astolfo flies off on a winged horse to the Moon and finds Orlando's mind trapped in a bottle there. Because of his obsessive love, Orlando lost his sanity, which drifted away to the Moon. Through this, Ludovico Ariosto wants to show the sheer scale and intensity of Orlando's madness—using the Moon as a symbol for how far away Orlando is from being a rational man. Now that Orlando is free from those romantic chains, he can finally get back into the fight.😉

Ludovico is alright, but I've always been more into Charles.

..Man, I read something about Mad Orlando the other day, and it totally triggered a memory of Story number 1 from Alan Ford.. hahahah.. I was honestly naive enough to think William Shakespeare wrote it, but nope, it was Ludovico Ariosto.. I actually meant to copy something else (honestly, I can't even remember what it was now)... anyway, whatever, I stumbled upon that part about 'love driven by a fractured mind'.......
My buddy is doing okay now—healthy, though he's gotten a bit of a hypochondriac lately, which is starting to get on my nerves... He doesn't even think about LSD anymore. Now he just sticks to Lexapro and Kras Express.. hehehehe. He's just tasted Fear... He's going back to finish college, showing more respect to his parents, 'he's mellowed out a bit too and stopped acting like a drama queen since he's become more tolerant toward people... but he's still miles away from the truth..., 'everything' got shaken up for him, especially his whole self-image and his views on people, marijuana, and Jimi Hendrix.. hehehehe.. blah blah blah
I read post NO 123 about that phase of being lovestruck... My take is that if someone has to be at the top of the military food chain, it has to be you. That part where you wrote that not a single soldier died really stuck with me.. and I'm just glad you're doing well now......

Pay attention to the beat... Salvation is in the rhythm
And once you find your groove and stay dry in the rain
Take every step with that same passion
And you'll walk right over the ocean on that pilgrimage
If you stay cool... Totally cool

Everything has its place... Both fire and ice
In a single drop they meet... Both misery and honey
Everything has its place... Virtue and sin
Sadness exists just to call forth laughter
Everything has its place... When it freezes and burns
When colors change... When it withers and blooms
Everything has its place... The beginning and the end
Darkness exists just to call forth the light
amen

Richard Murphy6, I’m glad you actually had the patience to sit through everything I wrote. 🙂

The military isn't really my scene anymore; honestly, it looks way too boring now, and I don't think I could handle that level of monotony. But war? That's a different story entirely. I think I could handle one more fight. It feels like I’ve finally conquered Fear, and I actually function perfectly when my life is on the line.

Right now, the only real challenge left might be running for Secretary of Defense—you never know, right?

P.S. By any chance, did you ever read Carlos Castaneda's "Teachings of Don Juan"?

..I haven't been reading much lately; just haven't had the time. Plus, sometimes I’m actually scared to open the
. But hey, I'm fighting through it!
The second I slow down, everything just goes to hell... huh.
That's basically how I pitched it to Kenny... a wrong turn... a detour... a path paved with Fear...
They call it resistance. Honestly, I'm writing this post on my very last bit of energy...
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Is he? No..eminem

As soon as I take a breather, those old curses catch up to me... Dan Balasevic

It looks so easy, but man, it's a brutal climb... Stulic

Sorry no 123 for the Secretary of Defense!!!!! Seriously!

Hey, if you ever find some free time, you really need to pick up that Book. It’s packed with insights regarding Fear. Basically, it covers how Carlos Castaneda became a student of an indigenous man who deals with deep psychological traumas. The first half of the Book is dedicated to everything the man taught him, while the second half is Castaneda's own analysis of those lessons. Ultimately, the goal of the man's teachings is to transform someone into a "person of knowledge," whatever that actually means. Along that path toward enlightenment, a person encounters four natural enemies they have to conquer to truly achieve that status. Those four enemies are Fear, clarity, power, and old age.

I wouldn't want to be the Secretary of Defense; honestly, I'd rather be the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. If I were in charge, I’d fire all the guards assigned to protect me immediately. Instead, I’d tell every veteran with a legal permit to carry a firearm that they are more than welcome to show up armed when meeting with me. Why? Because frankly, I’m not even afraid of death—not even if one of them decided to take me out because they weren't happy with my performance at the job. 🙂

It was just a slip of the tongue, whatever you want to call it...
Today, I tumbled headfirst into this old, dusty movie of insecurity, confusion, and Fear. I’m getting really hung up on that New Testament—the one I didn't even pick up until I fell ill. Most of it is about family and parents, and Christ... whew.
I have this feeling that maybe not everything is literal, but man, I also feel like there is a hell of a lot of truth buried in all of it. It’s weighing on me, the elders and the girls alike. I was looking at the Last Temptation of Christ, maybe from some Greek author like Mycetakis or something...🙂 directed by someone like Scorsese, and I’m just struggling with this Jesus figure, specifically that New Testament stuff. And look, I don't want anyone else interpreting it for me. I don't trust anybody, and honestly, I’m too scared to even trust myself... huhuhuhuuhuhu... I probably am a bigger coward than I ever want to admit. Every time the sun is shining and people are laughing, I just feel terrible. My perception is totally off today. I could try to fix it by just digging into Greek mythology, but where does that even lead? These heightened states of consciousness are just too painful to handle, so I pop an anti-anxiety med, and then I just end up feeling unsatisfied anyway. If Jesus actually existed, I'm positive he didn't suffer quite like I am... or fear things even remotely close to this.
All this trouble has driven me to...
The silver lining in all of this is that within these three years of dealing with these disorders, I actually had my own moments. For the first time, I felt truly happy—functioning just the way I was meant to. The bad part is, I can't even remember what made me function like that... and now I feel so far away from it, yet somehow so close.
For instance, today I felt exactly how I felt three years ago, just functioning like that... I honestly don't have the words to describe how pathetic I felt, being fully aware of the way I was operating... ugh.
I'm definitely going to read that Book, thanks for the tip. For now, I'll just quote it and keep going until I finally collapse. I won't allow myself a single moment of giving in... not until I get used to automatically pulling myself out of anything... until I am completely aware of everything in any given moment... let it all go to hell.

..I've drifted into some seriously depressing territory lately. Honestly, I haven't even been shaving... I might just let everything grow wild, nose hairs and all! 🙂

Metallica
Can't Remember anything
Can't Tell if this is True or dream
Deep down Inside i Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops me
Now that The War is Through with me
I'm Waking up
i Can not see that There is not Much Left of me
Nothing is real but Pain

hold my Breath as i Wish for Death
oh please god , Wake me

Back in The Womb its Much Too real
in Pumps Life
that i must Feel but Can't look Forward to Reveal
look to The time When I'll Live
Fed Through The tuba that Sticks in me
Just like a Wartime Novelty Tied
to Machines that make me be
cut this Life OFF fra me

hold my Breath as i Wish for Death
oh please god, Wake me

The World is goniti
oh god , Help me hold my Breath as i Wish for Death oh please god
Help me

darkness

Imprisoning me
All that i see
Absolute horror
i Cannot Live
i Cannot die
Trapped in Myself
Body my holding Cell

Landmine

Has Taken my sight
Taken my Speech
Taken my Hearing
Taken my Arms
Taken my Legs

..since I'm feeling pretty indecisive, I've decided I'm done writing stuff anywhere, and I won't be visiting the IMF anymore—maybe I'll pick up a book once in a while!
There's just too much I'll never wrap my head around regarding certain situations, people, or how things are going... honestly, I don't even care anymore. But one thing is driving me crazy... where is Wildeva!!??
I'm not quite sure why, probably because of the horses... they're supposed to be symbols of strength and freedom, right?
I'm going to print out this whole thread, ignore the Fear, and just tuck it away in a drawer. I’ll be putting a lot of things in drawers like that. The real question is whether I'll ever find the guts and the strength to actually read it... and if I'll ever truly understand any of it.
farewell
death is the only truth, and you have to embrace the truth for your entire life if that's what you're aiming for... though the question remains, why aim for it at all?
I want to thank Mr. Vladimir Gruden, who I love like family, for everything—for the scraps of hope and those little flashes of clarity I've had.
When exactly were we kicked out of paradise, and when does it become time for every individual to find it again here on Earth in everything around us... how much pleasure and comfort is enough, and how much should we ration?
Where is this all heading, is it just evolution!!?'
What's the point of it all!!??
And even he says there are no answers, just no questions......
I'm going back to my old ways; I just don't have the energy, the will, or the motivation... but I can handle the suffering... at least I've learned how to do that... at least I'm sure of that.

Satisfaction, Satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
Satisfaction, Satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

No matter where you go or what you're running from, you can't escape yourself. That’s just how it works. So why not just face it? Come back and write whatever is actually on your mind. 🙂

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
from
Monty Python's Life of Brian
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...
the music fades into the song

...Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!
whistle

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...

whistle
Come on!

others start to join in
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...
whistle

For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!

So Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of sh*t,
When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...
whistle
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
whistle

life Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Always Look on the Bright Side of Life death! sh*t,

Life really boils down to...
to what...
if I could only figure out the answer.
People are always going on about it—hope!!!!
They say... hope is the last thing to die,
or they say... hope is salvation,
or just... keep hoping, keep hoping.

...the only thing I actually know about Hope is that she’s married to Ivica from my street... they live three houses down. She’s a pretty arrogant lady... has two kids... one works at the local tool shop and even has his own business card... he writes... you know... his full name and the company name (my old lady used to lose her mind over stuff like that... like... "how can you not have a business card?"... "well Mom, because I'm never gonna be a welder at a shipyard or a caulker")... Hope's other kid finished community college (so, a little girlie)... and now she's... get this... an economist. I was walking past her once while she was flipping through the classifieds... she spotted an ad and shouted... oh lord, honey... here's a job for you... look... they're looking for... gbjg..ghmnhhm...mmngh... economist... ghmenm... sa... ..gbrhhmnnn.. what a load of crap!!! This is just some sss. It's not for you... they're only asking for a high school diploma, ah... she sighed, totally horrified.
So, that's Hope for you.
Oh, and... she had this wicked mother who, on her deathbed, called everyone nearby to ask for forgiveness for all the jerk moves she pulled while she was alive (including my Grandma Mara)... mostly because she was paralyzed by Fear that she wouldn't be let into heaven... and God forgives everyone. Even her... besides... I don't get why she was so terrified... after all, her daughter is Hope... and hope is the last thing to die. Right???
I don't even know the point of this whole rant... I don't know the point of hope... it never made sense to me how hope fit into Pandora's box... it must have been one massive box... or maybe that was back when hope was super young!? : /...which would mean she's really, reaaaally old now... or is that just a myth... but why focus on hope specifically... she's not exactly someone you'd write an epic poem about. Terrible!!!
Whatever... I've honestly never understood the whole deal with hope and Pandora's box... and that Prometheus guy, hmm... 😕 ...does Ivica even know who he is?!

And there you go, my dear Richard Murphy6.... I am just not a fan of hope 😉

Man, you’re lucky! At least you got to know your grandma late in the game... and hey, you've actually got some creative spark in you! Honestly, I always pictured myself having this tough, fighter mom and a super gentle dad, but life doesn't exactly follow the script we write for it, does it?
It’s sweltering out here, and honestly, my mental defenses have just completely worn thin. Everything I thought I knew? Poof, gone. Forgotten. It’s just me and this nagging paranoia left over. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, but then—boom—it turns hot again right away.
So, here I am, stuck in this spot. I'm terrified of moving forward, yet even more scared of retreating... and I'm basically tripping over my own feet in front of everyone. It’s a total, absolute, massive lie! Just pure deception, squared!
And then, suddenly, these divine sirens bring all the traffic to a grinding halt
as if the stoplights are trying their hardest to dim down and barely glow
while strangers just keep marching straight ahead
and life settles down, smooth as milk in a glass.
Well, what can you do about it?!