On top of everything, there's no Fear

...I used to think it would be easier if my old man just went after me instead. Like, if he only had a problem with me and nothing else, at least I’d know for sure that *I'm* the one who's broken... sad but true... If he were just some alcoholic or a total psycho, I could forgive him easily, and maybe even forgive myself in the process. But no, the old man is just plain stupid... and the worst part? I've got his blood running through my veins. That's just how it is.

Honestly, I’ve always complained about how there isn't a single volcano in my neck of the woods...
...and yeah, I know deep down I'm probably never going to be behind the wheel of a car...
...because whenever life gets too quiet and I'm feeling bored, I just know I'd end up flooring it straight into a wall, just to feel *something* happen...and honestly, that's where that weird craving for a volcano comes from.😕

Group therapy... reminds me of this one documentary I saw in my psych class where they gathered a bunch of "normal" people together just to talk about themselves. After barely an hour, it was like a dam broke—just a total eruption of messy emotions and deep-seated issues. More than half of them ended up in tears. It's weird, right? Why is it so much easier to pour your heart out to a complete stranger than anyone else? Why is it easier to admit your weaknesses and your Fear to someone you don't even know? I remember those long days working with foster kids and hearing all their stories, all those struggles, all those tragic lives. Everyone thinks they have it the hardest. Every single one of them feels like their problems are massive compared to everyone else's, thinking, "It’s easy for you guys, but I've got it the worst." If we could actually peek inside everyone's soul, what kind of mess would we find?

I don't get this whole volcano thing at all🙂
But look, Dylan Dog was driving a Volkswagen, and Jules Verne actually landed inside a volcano! It’s all just one big illusion, except for love. Am I being perfect here? And is Etna really down South? 😕
The Moon is full, and I gotta wonder—will I ever actually make it to the Moon? And if I do, will I even be able to sleep up there if the Moon Earth looks full? Is that even physically possible? 😕 And did the bark from the Moon actually bark at the Earth!!??
Will I ever truly find out, or is this all just guesswork? Like, is it just inductive reasoning or just taking a Pars Pro Toto approach?
And did gladiators really greet Caesar by saying, "We greet you while you are dying"? Was there any actual chance of survival back then? And did they seriously hand out bread instead of bones before the fights started!!!???
I honestly don't know, I have to figure this out somehow!!!! 👍 Long live everyone!!! If people actually think there's any point in fighting, or planting wheat, barley, rye, and oats just to feed horses so they can ride through the wilderness, pillaging everything and firing arrows like Amor—arrows soaked in poison produced by a toad in the Amazon, where she breathes it out through her skin, meaning her metabolism turns it into toxin, which basically makes her skin her liver... man, now I'm even more confused! So what happens to the toxins in the liver? How does she flush them out? Most of those toxins have to be totally different from the stuff these Indians (who aren't even aggressive, they just live peacefully with the tribe across the river) use for their arrows. Those arrows paralyze muscles and the CNS, making animals instantly at peace with death, seeing a tunnel, and feeling like they've reached enlightenment—like death is a reward and a release... it just goes to show that the truth is found in nature.

I totally get what you mean about the volcano. For the longest time, I’ve had this Fear of swerving into an oncoming car in the middle of the night. Those headlights just paralyze me. They look so beautiful and warm, almost calling out to me: come here, come here, come here. It doesn't feel like death; it feels like something peaceful and radiant. Maybe it's Heaven?
I try my best not to stare at those lights while I'm driving.

....hmm....Richard Murphy6 says the world just keeps spinning, that it won't stop for him or for us... sure, maybe, but then I honestly won't give a damn... right now, all that matters is that we're all here... it's important to me that we're alive, that we know each other somehow, that we can actually connect.. it means everything to me that we all exist here—every single one of you individually, and all of us together as a whole. You guys make life a little brighter sometimes; you make things feel a bit easier for a moment. With you, I feel a sense of freedom, even if it's just brief, and in my life, those moments are everything... I’m finally enjoying the present, something I never even noticed before
...
...and lately, there's been something about grabbing the car at night, hitting the interstate, cranking the music up to the max, and flying down the road at 90 miles per hour (and man, I've only just started driving)... I end up in a totally different dimension until reality hits me. Then, Fear jolts me awake, making me realize I might not be quite sane, because I feel this rush of adrenaline pulling me further and further into these reckless, crazy impulses that could absolutely destroy me... then, terrified, I head back home once I realize just how much madness I'm capable of in those moments.... brrrr.... and I feel like if nothing else touches me in the end, I might just end up destroying myself

...I honestly get this intense Fear whenever a city bus pulls up near me... I start thinking about just throwing myself under the wheels.... I’ve always been terrified of those massive skyscrapers (that's why I love my little neighborhood)... there aren't any giant buildings or high-rises here... sometimes I just feel this urge to jump... but then again, I don't actually want to jump... and just like feralbear49 used to mess with me... "Come on... just do it... jump... fly... throw yourself under it... let the bus crush you..." while I'm sitting there fighting that voice inside my head, repeating over and over... "I love myself, I love myself... you haven't done anything wrong... I love myself... I love myself..." even a total moron could remember that by now.

...And man, that whole vibe is just so familiar to me during the summer months... I just let loose... I really give myself permission to go wild... singing at the top of my lungs, screaming under the shower... I yell because I'm loving life and the adrenaline is just pumping... because it feels amazing... and when I'm driving... I just let go... I get totally lost in the moment... I allow myself to be crazy... and then... block out... but what if I never come back from that madness? It's like madness is a highway... a high-speed interstate leading somewhere, and you're just racing down it, feeling absolutely stoked...
...CRASH!!!

Whoa!!??
So, this thing is happening with this girl—and honestly, there’s a parallel here, even if it doesn't look obvious at first glance.
It took me about 26 years to finally scrape together some kind of peace, and man, I need it more than ever. I don't have the energy for anything else. I feel myself shrinking whenever I think about it; one moment I'm fine, then I'm exhausted after just four minutes of overthinking. And then she just flies into my mind. Huh. I see her and I just die from Fear. It takes me five whole days to pull myself together again, but I’m still being pulled toward her. I think I'm starting to see the mechanism behind it... it's just another one of those pathological parts of me that I don't want to change, or maybe I just can't right now. It’s a total conflict. I try to lie to myself and hope it’s love... but I know deep down it could destroy me. It's something that should probably be stopped and treated... okay, sure, there are fragments of love in there. But the price? It's huge. Man, I've spent my whole life getting worked up over stuff like this. It’s the only thing that ever felt real to me—not talking about being selfless, just true love for a woman. With a heavy heart and a lot of doubt and unease, I have to admit: I still need "treatment."
What kind of woman... if people only knew... ugh, death to all this... I know she isn't some fatal femme fatale; she's just an ordinary person like anyone else, just a human being. But I love her pathology. I love seeing my own pathology reflected in her... or maybe I just love the undeveloped parts of myself within her. Or maybe I just love the version of myself that was strong, which isn't who I am right now.
..and by the way, I met another guy who had issues with a subway train recently. I think people just want to experience fear from the "outside"—to give it a name, to find a "culprit" for that internal chaos and inner Fear. They basically just need a canvas to project their inner terror onto. That makes sense to me. I’ve never done that because, honestly, there is no external fear in my reality bigger than the one I carry inside. Hehehehe... jumping off a skyscraper or getting hit by a bus would be a walk in the park compared to my "inner Fear."
They say a similar mechanism exists with claustrophobics and people with phobias, where they link their internal Fear to specific objects or places.
The song comes to mind... screw Fear.

Let me paste a song here... pleeeease... sorry if it's cheesy, it's just the romance talking. I've always been a bit clumsy with words. by Hus

Am I lying when I say
that happiness is found in three things:
a good woman, a guitar, and a wealthy dad
who is always busy working
so if you dream of that kind of luck
play roulette, craps, or cards
or sell everything except your lucky charm
and head out the other side of town

your days are wasted
on cheap wine, TV, and adult films
you haven't got a wife, and it'll be hard to win one
living next to an old mother like that
love is something you'd die for
but love is a hard road to travel
so just sell everything except your lucky charm
and head out the other side of town

I wish you were like the others
those bearded, tough guys
who can lift a heavy crate with ease
and offer you a smoke or a drink
with a bruise under your left eye
shouting slogans that sound so intense
being a beatnik and a true anarchist
so just head out the other side of town
Song written by Branimir Stulic

I remember doing that out of pure love back when I was younger and still searching for my soulmate.
I’d meet some guy and just lay my entire soul bare right then and there, basically telling him, "Here I am, completely vulnerable and totally yours." Usually, I don't even pay attention to who the guy actually is—and honestly, that's usually where I mess up; I see something in them that isn't even there. The guy either gets hit with Fear, or he just has no clue what I'm talking about because he's mentally checked out, or he falls for me like I'm some kind of queen, at which point I lose interest entirely. It's frustrating.
The hunger for love is just too intense, and you feel like you have to satisfy it immediately.

Hey, feralbear49 is just like me... except I actually managed to turn one side of it into a superpower. Whenever someone gets on my nerves, I just dump all my personal drama on them until they’re too intimidated to ever come near me again... haha. I was laughing about this the other day... I met this guy, and he goes, "You seem so cheerful and carefree," which, okay, I guess that's the vibe I give off. So I told him, "Oh, absolutely, I'm practically vibrating with joy, you haven't met anyone more upbeat than me." And then, you know, I immediately start unloading everything—how I deal with panic attacks, how I've had to see psychiatrists, how I feel crappy almost every other day... yeah. Needless to say, he hasn't called since, and honestly, thank God 🙂...........
.....And then there was this one time I got a text that basically said, "I'm right here, screw you." P.S.... actually, forget the P.S., it's just "screw you" from now on. Now, whenever anyone tries to push my buttons, I just tell them P.S.

WHEN NIGHT FALLS - Riblja Corba

Am
I’m just stuck on a dead-end track here
Am
Every train I ever waited for has already pulled out of the station
F
So I checked the morning paper today
Am
Turns out my lucky numbers didn't even come up once

The sun keeps rising and setting just like always
Everything feels totally normal
And honestly? As long as I’m not thinking about you
I feel absolutely fantastic!

Chorus
Dm C
but when night falls
B A
I’m out here screaming for help
Dm B Dm
because you aren't here anymoreeeeeeee

And every single new day
feels as dull as death itself
just because you aren't hereuuuuuu

Look, I’m no street punk or high-society snob
And I’ve got zero shame about who I am
I’ve got my own little world going on
And I’ve built a Great Wall around it to keep it safe

The sun keeps rising...

Somewhere I Belong

Back when this all started,
I was completely speechless,
Just drifting through the emptiness deep within my soul.
Everything felt so chaotic,
So I just vented everything, realizing
That I wasn't actually alone in feeling this way—
These thoughts were buried deep inside me.
Yet, the sheer void exposed by those words
Is really the only sensation I have left.
There’s nothing left to lose,
Just feeling trapped, empty, and isolated,
And honestly, I know I'm the one to blame.
Yeah, the responsibility is mine alone.

I just need to mend.
I need to truly feel
Something I once dismissed as impossible.
I need to release this ache I've carried for forever.
[Wipe away the hurt until it disappears] I need to mend.
I want to finally feel
Like I'm touching something genuine.
I'm searching for the one thing I've always craved:
A place where I truly fit in.

And now, I'm at a loss for words.
It's a miracle I didn't completely wipe out.
I was so lost,
Searching high and low, only to realize
That reality looks nothing like the vision I built up in my head.
So, who am I even?
All I seem to possess is this constant negativity,
Because there's no way to defend
The way people keep judging me.
There is nothing to lose,
Nothing to gain—just an empty, lonely shell,
And I'm the one responsible.
It's all on me.

I'll never truly understand
Who I am until I handle this solo.
And I won't be able to feel
Anything meaningful until these scars have faded.
I'll never become
Who I'm meant to be until I break free from my old self,
And I'm going to break free.
I'm going to find my true self today.

I need to heal.
I want to feel like I'm
Finally somewhere I belong.

"Linkin Park"

I'll make it through, Kenny. Honestly, I don't know how yet, but it'll probably be easy enough.

Miro niman
Do you really think you know anything
...about people or the universe at large?
And that every single move You make
is overflowing with love and faith...

Do you honestly think I grasp
WHAT'S actually going on in my head?
Or that it's simple to carry
all these melodies and verses of this love...

I'm still dreaming of happiness.
And calling out to You.
But Miro niman.
Some voice inside me whispers
that you still believe in Us

I see that you still have strength
BUT you just don't understand me
I see there is...
Still hope...
For Us...
Dragan Lukica pupati just copied and pasted this... come on, Dragan, we were sitting right next to each other at the Idiot concert... front row, too! Even back then, I wasn't even into MariaAn.
There’s just too much junk in my subconscious... luckily though... I’ve seen non-confrontational people who didn't spiral into total psychosis when they dove deep into their own psyche. They start wondering how to move forward, and then Pupa just smirks.
😠

Richard Murphy6, you're still losing your mind, aren't you? 😉 Let it happen, just let it... honestly, it’s probably the only sign left that you’re actually sane 😁

I really love this thread.....🙂
I'm just filled with Fear—about writing............

I don't know... a wave of melancholy just hit me, and honestly, depression is starting to take hold. My brain feels all foggy from the meds. My eyes are exhausted and stinging, too. I just can't bring myself to listen to Arsenal anymore... not even that one song, "Sve te vodilo meni."
I know I'm all on my own. I left too fast, jumped the gun, and went way too far.
I was out riding my bike earlier—you know that feeling? That deep, quiet urge to just become invisible. It was one of those fake-calm spring evenings where everything feels too perfect. Then I saw them together. I heard them laughing from across the street, and man, it hit me how pathetic I felt in that moment. I immediately looked away.
I’m just totally done. I don't want anything anymore. I can't listen, I can't quote, and I definitely can't write. It all just brings me back to what those analysts were saying about self-harm.
I just started reminiscing about some old songs! I think it was that one by Animator—you know, the one where they basically say it’d be best if I just moved to a different city? Like, "I can do this without you, it's just tough when I run into you, man..." It really hits home sometimes!
Who even came up with the whole concept of dating and marriage in the first place? It’s wild when you think about it! There’s this German psychologist who basically jumps in and points out that psychology is actually way younger than the institution of marriage itself. It really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?
I've actually got a few tricks up my sleeve to snap myself out of this funk... Honestly, I'm just exhausted from spending my entire life constantly trying to claw my way out of the same old rut!
I know how it goes, so don't worry—I'm not panicking. Honestly, I’m not even mourning what I've learned. I just know that the only way forward is to keep pushing, harder and harder. I know, I know—that sounds totally pathetic, maybe even a little self-delusional or naive. But look, I could never do something like that to her. I wouldn't do it to anyone. I’m here for other people, not for myself. I've spent my whole life living that way—not just talking the talk, but actually walking the walk.
I feel bad about being this way, honestly. But look, I don't think there's any trace of penance or self-destruction going on here... this is just who I am. It’s my nature. It’s my God.

I still have Voje!

I had a dream…
It’s all on the world—there’s just nothing more I can do.
I had a dream...
It's all my fault—I’m just trying to drive you crazy, you know?

Am I just being too much? Honestly, maybe!
Just so I could be close to You.
And I still have Voje.
To make anything better!
For us...

Well, now everyone knows!
You just don't have a heart like mine.
Just give it to him.
And you're always looking for the easy way out.

Hey, what's there even to be happy about?
What’s the point? You can't just expect to walk away with something without putting in the work! It’s like trying to win a championship ring without ever stepping onto the field—it just doesn't happen. Life isn't a handout!
That's worth absolutely nothing.
Almost nothing.
Hardly ever.

I had a dream…
Hope you roll some massive numbers! Have an awesome weekend!
I had a dream…
Look, you and I... we basically grew up together.

I've still got my Voyager!
To make anything better!
To really feel like your best self!
I wish I could be right there by your side.
For us...

Hey, Vidin's here!
You just don't have a heart like mine.
Just give it to him.
And you always pick the easy way out.

Hey, what's there to even be happy about?
What's the point of even trying if you don't fight for what you want? You can't just expect things to fall into your lap without putting in the work!
That's worth absolutely nothing.
Almost nothing.
Hardly ever.

You aren't worth Ništa.
Trust me.
I'm thinking of you...

If you’re going to be Ništa-uzmi, then you're just being Ništa-uzmi.

I'm heading out...

Because I love you!
Now, you wouldn't want to do that!

Hey, it's just me!

That's me!

puuuuuuuuupaaaaaaa.......(gone forever)😕 hey there....🙂

...I'm back in my hometown
Walking these streets just like I used to, though I’m trying to learn how to actually look up at the sky. It used to terrify me, but now? It totally fascinates me.
I picked up the latest Dan Balasevic album and everything by Dream Theater (gotta go hear those "educated" guys play, right?)..
Dan Balasevic definitely leaves a bigger impression on me, though.
....Anyway, gotta hit the hay.

It’s easy for Dan Balasevic... he’s got Oliver
Me? I’ve got Neurosis... hahahaha... And Marley is long gone, while Richard Murphy6 is just struggling through it
"Iron Lion Zion"

I am on the rock and then I check a stock
I have to run like a fugitive to save the life I live
Iron Lion Zion
Iron Lion Zion
I'm on the run but I ain't got no gun
See they want to be the star
So they fighting tribal war
And they saying Iron Lion Zion
Iron Lion Zion,
Iron Lion Zion

I'm on the rock, (running and you running)
I take a stock, (running like a fugitive)
I had to run like a fugitive just to save the life I live
Iron Lion Zion
Iron Lion Zion, Iron Lion Zion, Iron Lion Zion
Iron Lion Zion, Iron Lion Zion
Iron Lion Zion

What’s your take on this, Richard Murphy6?...

******

I went to grab a cigarette... and my pinky finger got snagged on the edge of my monitor. I gripped it so hard I totally panicked. For a second there, I actually thought I’d snapped it! Of course, that wasn't even possible... I barely even scratched it, let alone broke it. But anyway... I was talking to my mom earlier today. At one point, she asked me what that rash on her hand was. I looked at it and just told her it was probably some kind of spring allergy... man, it was so hard to say... "Mom... those are just age spots." It started on her right hand. I'm still desperately hoping it's just a rash. Honestly, she's way more aware that they're just spots than I am. She just said it with such sadness... "Well, I guess it's time..." ugh, maybe fifteen years left... she just smiled and went back to slurping her coffee loudly. I just sat there watching TV. I forgot all about my finger. It turned purple, a little blood showed up. It didn't even hurt. I couldn't even feel it anymore. It just didn't matter. Nothing really matters.

******Yep... that's life for ya!!!!!!