Heading downhill...

It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

I found myself drowning in those exact same feelings just a few years back—it’s a heavy, suffocating place to be. If I can offer even a shred of perspective, it would be this: if you commit to the work and actually give yourself the grace of time, most of these hurdles will eventually start to clear. It’s not an overnight fix, mind you, but progress is possible. I won't sit here and lecture you on what specific steps to take, though; we’re all different people with our own unique psychological makeup, and what helps one person navigate this mess might not work for another. Everyone’s battle is their own. But please, don't let the darkness convince you otherwise—what you're reaching for isn't some impossible dream, even if it feels completely out of reach right now.

I’ve been struggling through this same cycle for four years now, and honestly, nothing seems to be shifting
Lately, those suicidal thoughts have been circling my mind more often than I’d like, though if I’m being honest, I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. You really do need a certain kind of nerve for something like that. On one hand, I feel for the people who have already gone—they must have been carrying an unimaginable amount of pain—but on the other hand, there’s a strange sort of respect there, because you really do need guts to just leap off a twelve-story building
Then I start playing out the scenario in my head, imagining how I’d react if someone close to me actually did it. I can't even fathom that level of grief, so I really don't want to inflict that kind of wreckage on the people I love
So, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for things to change, hoping that maybe, eventually, the internal weather in my head might clear up a bit

But then there are those heavy stretches where it feels like it’ll never get better, and that's when it gets incredibly hard to breathe

I don't know, velvetsailor26—four years is a long time, and honestly, my heart goes out to you. It’s a heavy weight to carry. But please, don't let hope slip through your fingers just yet. Look at me—I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, yet here I am, living a life that most would call "normal." I grab coffee at the local Starbucks, I have a girlfriend, I’ve got a solid circle of friends... the only thing is, I haven't quite managed to get back into the workforce. It took me three long years, moving inch by agonizing inch, just to find my footing again. But I never, ever let go of hope. I never gave up. Suicide... well, that's for cowards, and frankly, it's a sin against God, against nature, against the universe, against love—against whatever it is you hold sacred. I’m not going to sit here and lecture you with advice—I’m certainly not smart enough to play therapist, and I don't know the specifics of your struggle—but I will say this: there is always room to make changes, both in your surroundings and within yourself. You can turn things around.

velvetsailor26 said:I’ve been struggling through this same cycle for four years now, and honestly, nothing seems to be shifting
Lately, those suicidal thoughts have been circling my mind more often than I’d like, though if I’m being honest, I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. You really do need a certain kind of nerve for something like that. On one hand, I feel for the people who have already gone—they must have been carrying an unimaginable amount of pain—but on the other hand, there’s a strange sort of respect there, because you really do need guts to just leap off a twelve-story building
Then I start playing out the scenario in my head, imagining how I’d react if someone close to me actually did it. I can't even fathom that level of grief, so I really don't want to inflict that kind of wreckage on the people I love
So, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for things to change, hoping that maybe, eventually, the internal weather in my head might clear up a bit

But then there are those heavy stretches where it feels like it’ll never get better, and that's when it gets incredibly hard to breathe

Things won't truly start changing until your internal perspective begins to shift; it doesn't work the other way around. 😉
The mind is a powerful tool that can either serve us or work against us, depending on how we manage it. Aside from taking your medication, what specific steps are you taking to try and change your current state?

electricwolf7 said:Things won't truly start changing until your internal perspective begins to shift; it doesn't work the other way around. 😉
The mind is a powerful tool that can either serve us or work against us, depending on how we manage it. Aside from taking your medication, what specific steps are you taking to try and change your current state?

I signed up for this class, but I’m terrified to actually show up because my whole body feels paralyzed and my heart is racing like crazy.
I feel this constant, gnawing anxiety in basically any social situation.

velvetsailor26 said:I signed up for this class, but I’m terrified to actually show up because my whole body feels paralyzed and my heart is racing like crazy.
I feel this constant, gnawing anxiety in basically any social situation.

That class might act as a major trigger for you. Given that you are dealing with social anxiety, it might be wiser to start with something you can practice privately at home.
There are many ways to find calm; have you tried yoga or meditation? It might be helpful to try some techniques in the comfort of your own home to help you connect with your inner self. I suggest practicing breathing exercises so that when you eventually face an alarming situation, your body won't react quite as intensely. 🙂
Personally, I haven't struggled with social phobia, though I have dealt with stage fright. One thing I realized—which may apply to you as well—is that what starts as social anxiety, with the racing heart and trembling hands, is a physical and mental response. Eventually, these issues tend to pile up. It becomes very difficult to tackle them if you try to focus on every single symptom individually. I would recommend speaking with a psychologist; there are many different types available in the US. Try to find someone who can help you uncover the root cause of these feelings. Once you understand the origin, you will begin to see these moments as mere symptoms rather than the core problem.
On a lighter note, please know that so many Americans struggle with social anxiety. Stay brave and do not give up; don't let that little devil on your shoulder keep whispering nonsense to you.😉

electricwolf7 said:That class might act as a major trigger for you. Given that you are dealing with social anxiety, it might be wiser to start with something you can practice privately at home.
There are many ways to find calm; have you tried yoga or meditation? It might be helpful to try some techniques in the comfort of your own home to help you connect with your inner self. I suggest practicing breathing exercises so that when you eventually face an alarming situation, your body won't react quite as intensely. 🙂
Personally, I haven't struggled with social phobia, though I have dealt with stage fright. One thing I realized—which may apply to you as well—is that what starts as social anxiety, with the racing heart and trembling hands, is a physical and mental response. Eventually, these issues tend to pile up. It becomes very difficult to tackle them if you try to focus on every single symptom individually. I would recommend speaking with a psychologist; there are many different types available in the US. Try to find someone who can help you uncover the root cause of these feelings. Once you understand the origin, you will begin to see these moments as mere symptoms rather than the core problem.
On a lighter note, please know that so many Americans struggle with social anxiety. Stay brave and do not give up; don't let that little devil on your shoulder keep whispering nonsense to you.😉

That is such a solid metaphor 🙂
thanks for the advice!

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

I feel everything you mentioned, and honestly, even more than that, for over four years now. I’ve won some small battles here and there, but winning the war feels miles away. Actually, I doubt I can even pull it off.

So I guess I’m not the only one feeling this way, and honestly, what can you do? I’ve always had this nagging thought that life just requires a certain level of mental struggle—some days the weight feels manageable, other days it’s crushing, but you just kind of keep drifting through it anyway.
It’s just disheartening when I see people getting all the support and resources they need, while I’m left standing here with absolutely nothing.
The only thing that seems to take the edge off is when I take a little bit of Klonopin to steady my nerves.

velvetsailor26 said:So I guess I’m not the only one feeling this way, and honestly, what can you do? I’ve always had this nagging thought that life just requires a certain level of mental struggle—some days the weight feels manageable, other days it’s crushing, but you just kind of keep drifting through it anyway.
It’s just disheartening when I see people getting all the support and resources they need, while I’m left standing here with absolutely nothing.
The only thing that seems to take the edge off is when I take a little bit of Klonopin to steady my nerves.

Your first post—it’s like I wrote it myself. I can relate to everything. I've gone from Adderall to antidepressants, anxiolytics, and even antipsychotics for a short stint. Regarding what you said about how pills work for others...

The thing is, pills aren't a magic fix—they're just support until you find some balance so you can manage with little to nothing later on. If you just fall back into old habits while taking them, then there's really no point. Also, maybe there's a way to just accept that you can't connect with people and live that way. I know someone who lived a totally solitary life for 80 years. But that was a different era, not like today, and everyone is different. I don't think that person was happy, either.

That thread title "on the downward spiral" is interesting. That's exactly how I described it to myself when I first realized something was wrong. Since then, it's mostly been a downhill slide.

Maybe you'll find something useful here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidan...ality_disorder

I get how you feel. And obviously, I didn't write anything particularly comforting or helpful, but hey, hope this helps.

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

Only you know the truth. People around you might look perfectly fine and "healthy," but they probably feel exactly the same way you do.
I am a walking example of this. I act incredibly strong on the outside—so much so that I actually managed to fool my own mother for decades.🙄
Believe me when I say... there are people all around you, maybe even among those you envy, who feel just like you.

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

Just keep reading. It helped me immensely, and maybe it will help you too.
Unfortunately, back in my day, these resources weren't available, so I was convinced I was the only psychiatric case in the entire world.
I was never truly alone, but I think I would have been better off if I were. I know you can't see that right now, but I did manage to get married (even though I wasn't "normal," right?)😁 and on top of my initial issues, I ended up creating a hundred more... because I wasn't well and I didn't fix my OWN problems first.

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

My friends all come to me to vent, and I give them all sorts of advice. They always seem shocked, saying things like, "Wow, you are so smart and strong."
Ha... I guess. At least for everyone else, I am.🙄

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

You're starting this thread because you want to take action, and I think that's great.

If you look back at my old posts, my biggest struggle was keeping my condition a total secret—not telling a single soul. That feeling was overwhelming, and I guess I still haven't fully moved past it.
Why? Because I was terrified everyone would find out what a bad person I am. I felt unworthy of respect or love just because I'm a little "unhinged."👍

Once I started dropping that mask I built for the public, things actually began to get better and better.

I won't lie to you; even my closest person knew. Every time I tried to solve a problem, they would just say, "Why should I even talk to you? You're crazy anyway."
Well, that person isn't in my life anymore. That mental weight is finally gone.🙏

And some friends stopped coming to me for advice—which, honestly, is even better. Now I have more time to focus on my own issues.

Jose Wood7 said:Your first post—it’s like I wrote it myself. I can relate to everything. I've gone from Adderall to antidepressants, anxiolytics, and even antipsychotics for a short stint. Regarding what you said about how pills work for others...

The thing is, pills aren't a magic fix—they're just support until you find some balance so you can manage with little to nothing later on. If you just fall back into old habits while taking them, then there's really no point. Also, maybe there's a way to just accept that you can't connect with people and live that way. I know someone who lived a totally solitary life for 80 years. But that was a different era, not like today, and everyone is different. I don't think that person was happy, either.

That thread title "on the downward spiral" is interesting. That's exactly how I described it to myself when I first realized something was wrong. Since then, it's mostly been a downhill slide.

Maybe you'll find something useful here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidan...ality_disorder

I get how you feel. And obviously, I didn't write anything particularly comforting or helpful, but hey, hope this helps.

I check about 9 out of the 17 boxes for avoidant personality disorder symptoms.
People with this disorder usually end up isolated, or they become completely dependent on others for support.
Thank God I have a job, but I walk into work every single day gripped by anxiety, so I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up.
It's a miserable way to exist, honestly. You crave acceptance and want to belong to a group, but the fear of looking foolish is paralyzing. You're constantly convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent.
All you're left with is a vague hope for a better tomorrow, though that rarely ever materializes.

What's actually the distinction between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder?

.

People living with this condition often feel like they just don't fit in socially. They tend to pull away from others because they are terrified of being rejected, mocked, or humiliated. I guess most describe themselves as lonely souls who have been cast aside by society, though sometimes it feels more like they've intentionally isolated themselves.

Because of this, the "avoidant pattern" can vary quite a bit. It ranges from mild cases—which might just look like extreme shyness—to much more severe instances categorized as Avoidant Personality Disorder.

The main deciding factor is really how much this behavior interferes with someone's ability to function in their daily life.

Many individuals diagnosed with this disorder experienced a difficult childhood. Maybe it was marked by constant criticism or rejection within the family unit. That deep-seated need to connect with parents who push them away often carries over into adulthood, manifesting as an intense, almost overwhelming desire for connection with others.

To receive a diagnosis, one typically needs to meet four or more of these criteria:

A) Avoiding work tasks that require significant interpersonal contact due to fears of being criticized, disapproved of, or rejected.

B) Being hesitant to get close to others unless there is absolute certainty that they will be liked.

C) Refraining from intimate relationships out of fear of embarrassment or ridicule.

D) Excessive worry regarding potential criticism or rejection during social interactions.

E) Feeling inhibited in new social settings due to a sense of inadequacy.

F) Viewing oneself as socially inept, unattractive, or inferior to others.

G) Declining to take personal risks or try new activities for fear of feeling foolish.

It is also common for this disorder to co-occur with agoraphobia, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia, major depressive disorder, hypochondria, or schizophrenia. It is also vital to rule out other disorders that share similar symptoms.

I think I relate to this 100 percent.🤷

In practical terms, this means:
I found a job that doesn't require constant interaction with adults, so I spend part of my time feeling fulfilled because I actually love what I do.
Back when I was your age, I honestly thought about quitting because I couldn't handle situations where I had to put myself out there. I avoided those moments at all costs—taking sick days or relying on anti-anxiety medication, for example.
Even after all these years, being in those situations still isn't pleasant for me. But I don't run away anymore... I get this terrible knot in my stomach on those days, but then a new day comes and everything starts over.
I enjoy small gatherings. I know how to crack a joke and even entertain people, but it is still stressful and leaves me completely drained. Because of that, I avoid multi-day trips now since they just wear me out too much.
My solution is to opt for shorter hangouts with friends or coworkers, or just quick meetups.
I am fighting it, but it’s much easier now. I suppose if I had known how to fight it back then, I would be doing much better by now. :-)
There is more to it, but I'll take it slow....

@John Thomas13, I’m genuinely glad to hear things are looking up for you; hopefully, my luck turns around too and I finally see some light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
I have to admit, I can be my own worst enemy most days—it feels like my brain is constantly working overtime just to sabotage me
Right now, I'm trying to work through some CBT exercises on my own, though I'm crossing my fingers that it actually makes a difference :/

John Thomas13 said:.

People living with this condition often feel like they just don't fit in socially. They tend to pull away from others because they are terrified of being rejected, mocked, or humiliated. I guess most describe themselves as lonely souls who have been cast aside by society, though sometimes it feels more like they've intentionally isolated themselves.

Because of this, the "avoidant pattern" can vary quite a bit. It ranges from mild cases—which might just look like extreme shyness—to much more severe instances categorized as Avoidant Personality Disorder.

The main deciding factor is really how much this behavior interferes with someone's ability to function in their daily life.

Many individuals diagnosed with this disorder experienced a difficult childhood. Maybe it was marked by constant criticism or rejection within the family unit. That deep-seated need to connect with parents who push them away often carries over into adulthood, manifesting as an intense, almost overwhelming desire for connection with others.

To receive a diagnosis, one typically needs to meet four or more of these criteria:

A) Avoiding work tasks that require significant interpersonal contact due to fears of being criticized, disapproved of, or rejected.

B) Being hesitant to get close to others unless there is absolute certainty that they will be liked.

C) Refraining from intimate relationships out of fear of embarrassment or ridicule.

D) Excessive worry regarding potential criticism or rejection during social interactions.

E) Feeling inhibited in new social settings due to a sense of inadequacy.

F) Viewing oneself as socially inept, unattractive, or inferior to others.

G) Declining to take personal risks or try new activities for fear of feeling foolish.

It is also common for this disorder to co-occur with agoraphobia, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia, major depressive disorder, hypochondria, or schizophrenia. It is also vital to rule out other disorders that share similar symptoms.

I think I relate to this 100 percent.🤷

In practical terms, this means:
I found a job that doesn't require constant interaction with adults, so I spend part of my time feeling fulfilled because I actually love what I do.
Back when I was your age, I honestly thought about quitting because I couldn't handle situations where I had to put myself out there. I avoided those moments at all costs—taking sick days or relying on anti-anxiety medication, for example.
Even after all these years, being in those situations still isn't pleasant for me. But I don't run away anymore... I get this terrible knot in my stomach on those days, but then a new day comes and everything starts over.
I enjoy small gatherings. I know how to crack a joke and even entertain people, but it is still stressful and leaves me completely drained. Because of that, I avoid multi-day trips now since they just wear me out too much.
My solution is to opt for shorter hangouts with friends or coworkers, or just quick meetups.
I am fighting it, but it’s much easier now. I suppose if I had known how to fight it back then, I would be doing much better by now. :-)
There is more to it, but I'll take it slow....

🤷[/I]

...and yet you still managed to pull off a relationship?
If that’s actually the case, then I honestly don't think you're dealing with that hellish disorder; I mean, lucky you, I guess.

Because when you're truly living with it, you can't just "relax" or whatever—you're stuck in this constant loop of feeling like you aren't good enough for anyone, convinced that nobody would ever want someone as pathetic as you.

velvetsailor26 said:I check about 9 out of the 17 boxes for avoidant personality disorder symptoms.
People with this disorder usually end up isolated, or they become completely dependent on others for support.
Thank God I have a job, but I walk into work every single day gripped by anxiety, so I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up.
It's a miserable way to exist, honestly. You crave acceptance and want to belong to a group, but the fear of looking foolish is paralyzing. You're constantly convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent.
All you're left with is a vague hope for a better tomorrow, though that rarely ever materializes.

What's actually the distinction between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder?

I guess I don't know the technical distinction, but they seem extremely similar to me.

velvetsailor26 said:🤷[/I]

...and yet you still managed to pull off a relationship?
If that’s actually the case, then I honestly don't think you're dealing with that hellish disorder; I mean, lucky you, I guess.

Because when you're truly living with it, you can't just "relax" or whatever—you're stuck in this constant loop of feeling like you aren't good enough for anyone, convinced that nobody would ever want someone as pathetic as you.

God bless your heart, seriously.😁

I've had this forever. I honestly don't think it will ever fully go away.

It feels like a core part of my personality now. Maybe I can just manage the symptoms.

I haven't exactly had successful relationships. I had one relationship with an emotional wreck—which is funny because I was one too. Or rather, I basically tricked him into it before he even knew what hit him.😁 I was only 18 at the time. I suppose even he didn't think he deserved a better woman than me.

So, that's the deal with my dating life.😉

I was constantly convinced I wasn't good enough for anyone, so I practically worshipped the ground he walked on just because he could tolerate me.😢

I never figured out how to be completely relaxed. I probably never will. But...

I finally realized that I am actually good enough to stop deserving all the crap life threw at me. I've stopped putting him on a pedestal, and now I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.

I wasted over 20 years of my life being lost. But I hope I can spend the next 20 living a bit better, even if I'm alone.

And this realization only hit me recently, out of nowhere.🙄

I definitely see myself in that avoidant personality disorder diagnosis too..

What I’m wondering is, can people like us actually make a relationship work? And if we do, does being in one even help, or is it just a wash?

I haven't really had the chance to be in a serious relationship yet, but honestly, I think having someone would mean a lot to me..

Also, is it better to date someone "normal" or someone a little crazy? Personally, I’d rather be with someone who's a bit unstable but actually self-aware about their issues. At least then we could actually talk about it, and I feel like we'd understand each other way better..

Or is it smarter to just not bother looking for anyone and stay single living with my parents? I'm 21 right now...

Emily Watson4 said:I definitely see myself in that avoidant personality disorder diagnosis too..

What I’m wondering is, can people like us actually make a relationship work? And if we do, does being in one even help, or is it just a wash?

I haven't really had the chance to be in a serious relationship yet, but honestly, I think having someone would mean a lot to me..

Also, is it better to date someone "normal" or someone a little crazy? Personally, I’d rather be with someone who's a bit unstable but actually self-aware about their issues. At least then we could actually talk about it, and I feel like we'd understand each other way better..

Or is it smarter to just not bother looking for anyone and stay single living with my parents? I'm 21 right now...

In my own humble opinion—and this is just me talking—it is best to stay single until you grow stronger.
No one can truly help you if you don't accept yourself, even with the help of a specialist.
From my perspective (but again, just mine😉), a partner might lift you up a little at the very beginning, but after that, you just sink... either together or alone, because they'll likely bail on you pretty quickly.

A relationship like that isn't healthy, nor is it helpful.

It's even worse for children if the parent is also "unstable."

That's just my take, of course.🙄