Open relationships

I’ve been in an open relationship—more like "friends with benefits"—with my partner for nearly four years now. I can't imagine walking away from this, but I have to wonder if there's any hope for things to change. He has told me repeatedly that he has zero interest in a committed relationship with anyone. To give some context, I spent five years on my own after leaving my previous partner, who ended up having a child with someone else. Now, my current partner tells me straight to my face that he doesn't care about the arrangement; he’s perfectly happy doing whatever he wants, and when I asked if it would stay this way forever, he said yes. It feels devastating to think this is all it will ever be. Is there actually anything that can be done here? Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed that I've allowed this to drag on for so long. It’s a sad situation, truly. While I wouldn't say I'm deeply attached, I find myself unable to walk away entirely. When I confronted him about it, he just gave me a Quote: "I'm fine like this. I don't want a relationship with anyone, period."

A fundamental truth of human psychology: People rarely appreciate what they have until it's gone.

In other words, he won't change his mind unless you actually walk away. Constant nagging and endless arguments will only drive him further from you.

Why would anything change if his only objective is physical gratification? Why bother? Just walk away. Maybe he’ll find someone else to hook up with by tomorrow, and then you can sit there feeling "sorry" for yourself. But if you're actually looking for something meaningful, I’d strongly suggest cutting ties with that kind of dynamic immediately. ☕

By the way, an open relationship isn't the same thing as an FWB arrangement.

You’ve basically tied yourself to some self-proclaimed moron who treats you like a cocktail of Penicillin and benzos (and trust me, I'm keeping it classy by not getting even more graphic here).

Pick up the scraps of your self-respect off the floor and just walk away from him. And yeah, let’s be real: a so-called FWB and an open relationship are not the same thing. They aren't even in the same zip code.

Raymond Booth40 said:I’ve been in an open relationship—more like "friends with benefits"—with my partner for nearly four years now. I can't imagine walking away from this, but I have to wonder if there's any hope for things to change. He has told me repeatedly that he has zero interest in a committed relationship with anyone. To give some context, I spent five years on my own after leaving my previous partner, who ended up having a child with someone else. Now, my current partner tells me straight to my face that he doesn't care about the arrangement; he’s perfectly happy doing whatever he wants, and when I asked if it would stay this way forever, he said yes. It feels devastating to think this is all it will ever be. Is there actually anything that can be done here? Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed that I've allowed this to drag on for so long. It’s a sad situation, truly. While I wouldn't say I'm deeply attached, I find myself unable to walk away entirely. When I confronted him about it, he just gave me a Quote: "I'm fine like this. I don't want a relationship with anyone, period."

What's actually missing from a dynamic like that?
Do you really need a label? Would it actually be easier if he told you that you were in a "real" relationship or married?
The issue isn't the arrangement; it's that you want to feel like a respectable, committed partner, and those two things don't align here.
If there aren't other major issues, just enjoy the connection and stop overanalyzing everything you read online.

Nathan Turner2 said:What's actually missing from a dynamic like that?
Do you really need a label? Would it actually be easier if he told you that you were in a "real" relationship or married?
The issue isn't the arrangement; it's that you want to feel like a respectable, committed partner, and those two things don't align here.
If there aren't other major issues, just enjoy the connection and stop overanalyzing everything you read online.

What are you even talking about? A relationship implies exclusivity and commitment, which is clearly not what this guy wants.

My advice to the author: walk away. But don't do it as a tactic to make him chase you; do it as a way to find yourself again.
He isn't going to change. If he actually had real feelings for you, he’d want you all to himself. The truth is, he just doesn't care. You don't mean much to him, so please, stop hurting yourself and find someone who actually deserves you.

William Sanders6 said:What are you even talking about? A relationship implies exclusivity and commitment, which is clearly not what this guy wants.

My advice to the author: walk away. But don't do it as a tactic to make him chase you; do it as a way to find yourself again.
He isn't going to change. If he actually had real feelings for you, he’d want you all to himself. The truth is, he just doesn't care. You don't mean much to him, so please, stop hurting yourself and find someone who actually deserves you.

Are there supposed to be some set of rules for how to act in a relationship?
She’s been with him for four years. Would she stay that long if things were actually bad?
It's obvious the arrangement works for both of them, so why complicate it?
It's the same deal with traditional marriages when one partner starts pushing for legal paperwork and disrupts a perfectly functional dynamic.
Why ruin something that isn't broken?
As I said, she's just struggling with her own sense of morality. If he told her today they were "official" but didn't change a single thing about his behavior, she'd be thrilled. It's pure sentimentality.

An open relationship and an FWB arrangement are two entirely different beasts.

In an open relationship, you are still a couple—you have a foundation—but there is an agreement that allows for outside sexual encounters (usually with prior discussion).
FWB isn't even a relationship; it’s just two acquaintances—maybe friends—who happen to hook up.

To put it bluntly: you have nothing.
Find someone else, and when you realize it actually works for you, cut ties with the current one.

I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

Raymond Booth40 said:I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

He probably had you handcuffed to him for four years.
The fault lies entirely with you; if that kind of relationship wasn't working, why did you stay?

Raymond Booth40 said:I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

Or did someone just kick you in the junk? 🤔
😍 :🤣

Raymond Booth40 said:I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

Well, you could always pivot to being a lesbian.😁
Was he even good in bed?🤔

Nathan Turner2 said:He probably had you handcuffed to him for four years.
The fault lies entirely with you; if that kind of relationship wasn't working, why did you stay?

What kind of "relationship" was it, anyway? Just hooking up whenever he felt like it.

I’m hopeful we’ll see some actual change, but judging by how things have played out so far, I’ll probably just be stuck at 40 forever.

Raymond Booth40 said:I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

Don't be so cynical—there are actually decent, genuine men out there. It's just that most of them are already married and off the market. 😁

If other women managed to find their person, I'm sure you can too.

Rachel Richardson said:What kind of "relationship" was it, anyway? Just hooking up whenever he felt like it.

A relationship is simply when two adults consciously decide to be intimate. Some people don't even have that level of connection in their marriages.

The real issue here isn't the act itself, but the author's internal moral crisis. She’s trying to play both sides—acting virtuous while being promiscuous—and this hypocrisy finally caught up to her after four years.
If she just renamed the relationship, she could effectively erase that chapter of her life. She’d reclaim her perceived innocence, and she and her jerk of a partner could go on living happily ever after like some fairy tale.
I could solve her little dilemma myself with a thirty-second phone call to her "partner," assuming I actually had his number.

Nathan Turner2 said:A relationship is simply when two adults consciously decide to be intimate. Some people don't even have that level of connection in their marriages.

The real issue here isn't the act itself, but the author's internal moral crisis. She’s trying to play both sides—acting virtuous while being promiscuous—and this hypocrisy finally caught up to her after four years.
If she just renamed the relationship, she could effectively erase that chapter of her life. She’d reclaim her perceived innocence, and she and her jerk of a partner could go on living happily ever after like some fairy tale.
I could solve her little dilemma myself with a thirty-second phone call to her "partner," assuming I actually had his number.

It seems a bit overblown to me—honestly, quite an exaggeration.

Do you think the issue is that he’s focusing on small-town gossip—all that surface-level chatter—instead of tackling the actual substance? I mean, the real stuff—community cohesion, the impact on the kids, and things like that.

Rachel Richardson said:It seems a bit overblown to me—honestly, quite an exaggeration.

Do you think the issue is that he’s focusing on small-town gossip—all that surface-level chatter—instead of tackling the actual substance? I mean, the real stuff—community cohesion, the impact on the kids, and things like that.

That’s just how I read her post. Perhaps I misinterpreted her intent.

Nathan Turner2 said:That’s just how I read her post. Perhaps I misinterpreted her intent.

I see it differently—it would be helpful if the author provided more specifics to clear this up.😬

People act like we have some kind of special status, even though I don’t think we actually do. For quite a while, I kept him at arm's length sexually because I really wanted to create some distance between us. When I asked him what was stopping him from being in a committed relationship with me, he just said, "I don't want to be with anyone, period." I countered with, "So you're not going to commit to one person?" and he insisted he wouldn't. He says things will stay exactly like this forever. If he's happy with this setup, then fine—he can do whatever he wants. Personally, I might be open to certain things, but not if we're labeling it an actual relationship. At this rate, I'll be single until I'm 40...