Open relationships

shadowbadger49 said:And she allowed him to use her for four years without issue? Why is she the one at rock bottom? The guy doesn't want a relationship with her. That is the extent of it. 🙂

Can you actually explain the logic here? Since you clearly seem to be an "expert" on how people work, why would anyone stay with someone for four years if they only wanted sex and nothing more? Nobody is really that desperate.

There are plenty of other people out there, so why obsess over a girl who went all in while he was just passing through? He should've seen it coming. What a pathetic loser.

Sean Kern2 said:Can you actually explain the logic here? Since you clearly seem to be an "expert" on how people work, why would anyone stay with someone for four years if they only wanted sex and nothing more? Nobody is really that desperate.

There are plenty of other people out there, so why obsess over a girl who went all in while he was just passing through? He should've seen it coming. What a pathetic loser.

Why bother making it official? From the jump, they were just sleeping together. It’s your classic Friends with Benefits setup—everything is fine for both parties for a while. But then the guy realizes he doesn't have any feelings involved. Maybe they aren't even on the same wavelength, and because of that, he figures an actual relationship would only make things worse. She doesn't see it that way, yet she still pursues him physically without hesitation. Eventually, she decides she needs something more serious. He refuses, and suddenly, she can't stand being around men. I should point out, though—she explicitly said she doesn't want anyone else. Which basically means she still wants to sleep with him, provided he finally gets her a girlfriend.

I didn't say he missed it. He saw it, and he voiced his opinion. She just couldn't handle it. Yes, what a pathetic loser—she’s clearly a saint who descended straight from heaven. 🙂

shadowbadger49 said:Why bother making it official? From the jump, they were just sleeping together. It’s your classic Friends with Benefits setup—everything is fine for both parties for a while. But then the guy realizes he doesn't have any feelings involved. Maybe they aren't even on the same wavelength, and because of that, he figures an actual relationship would only make things worse. She doesn't see it that way, yet she still pursues him physically without hesitation. Eventually, she decides she needs something more serious. He refuses, and suddenly, she can't stand being around men. I should point out, though—she explicitly said she doesn't want anyone else. Which basically means she still wants to sleep with him, provided he finally gets her a girlfriend.

I didn't say he missed it. He saw it, and he voiced his opinion. She just couldn't handle it. Yes, what a pathetic loser—she’s clearly a saint who descended straight from heaven. 🙂

Look, I'm not her lawyer, and honestly, I don't even get the dynamic of this relationship in the first place. All I'm saying is, it's totally messed up that after four years he hasn't committed to her. People get more attached to their pets in less time than that, yet he acts like he couldn't care less. That's just pathetic. If I were a guy in that relationship, I would never treat someone the way he treats her. If I were in that spot and realized my girl was catching feelings for someone else, I'd sit her down, have a real talk, and then end it. I'd find someone cooler who actually matches my vibe. That's what fair play looks like.

The way he's acting is straight-up disgusting—it's primal, almost animalistic behavior. Besides, he doesn't even have a choice; it's easy to act like the alpha when you're dealing with a girl who is completely wrapped around your finger. He needs to find someone as cold as he is, and then maybe he'd actually have some standards. I guarantee it.

By supporting him, you're basically talking about yourself. 👍 And if you want to go there with explicit language about how people "screw" each other over, well, the feeling is mutual.

Why bother respecting someone who clearly lacks self-respect?
He’s just exploiting the situation, and honestly, she isn't exactly winning here either—otherwise, she wouldn't have stuck by him for four years.
There’s likely someone else involved who currently takes precedence over the author. At the very least, we should value his honesty; he could just tell her they're in a relationship and settle the matter once and for all.

Nope, she told me she isn't interested in being in a relationship with me—she says she doesn't want to be with anyone right now.

Raymond Booth40 said:Nope, she told me she isn't interested in being in a relationship with me—she says she doesn't want to be with anyone right now.

I guess I wonder... is he forcing you to stay by his side, or are you just sticking around because you know how he feels and maybe you're hoping he might change his mind eventually?

I’m staying, but... Alain Zanna made a great point above. If he knows I’ve already become emotionally attached, he should end things right now to keep it fair play. Instead, he keeps pulling me back in. Honestly, I don't think he's actually okay with calling it quits. He keeps calling me just to check in, even after I've turned down his attempts at meeting up or getting intimate. I find it hard to believe someone can act this way well into their 40s...

Raymond Booth40 said:I’m staying, but... Alain Zanna made a great point above. If he knows I’ve already become emotionally attached, he should end things right now to keep it fair play. Instead, he keeps pulling me back in. Honestly, I don't think he's actually okay with calling it quits. He keeps calling me just to check in, even after I've turned down his attempts at meeting up or getting intimate. I find it hard to believe someone can act this way well into their 40s...

It all comes down to you, I guess. He's made his position pretty clear several times now, so it's really just a question of what you decide to do next. It seems like he's perfectly fine with things staying exactly as they are. But you aren't, and I don't think you should sit around waiting for him to change his mind.
Even if he did change his mind, the power dynamic between you two seems a little off, so you might just end up constantly worrying that you aren't a priority.

Why do you keep bringing up that age 40 thing?

gentlestag3 said:It all comes down to you, I guess. He's made his position pretty clear several times now, so it's really just a question of what you decide to do next. It seems like he's perfectly fine with things staying exactly as they are. But you aren't, and I don't think you should sit around waiting for him to change his mind.
Even if he did change his mind, the power dynamic between you two seems a little off, so you might just end up constantly worrying that you aren't a priority.

Why do you keep bringing up that age 40 thing?

Number 40 caught my eye too. This whole thread is definitely a troll fest.🍿

Raymond Booth40 said:I’m staying, but... Alain Zanna made a great point above. If he knows I’ve already become emotionally attached, he should end things right now to keep it fair play. Instead, he keeps pulling me back in. Honestly, I don't think he's actually okay with calling it quits. He keeps calling me just to check in, even after I've turned down his attempts at meeting up or getting intimate. I find it hard to believe someone can act this way well into their 40s...

You have to start prioritizing what’s best for you instead of worrying about him. Life isn't some playground where everyone plays by the rules, and people aren't always going to play fair with us.

But let's be real: you didn't come here looking for a reality check; you came here for answers and validation. So, good luck hunting for "signs" that he actually cares about you, even after he’s made his position loud and clear.

At the end of the day, the responsibility lies entirely with you. You get to decide whether you're going to settle for these pathetic crumbs or finally walk away.🤷

I’d say he was being perfectly fair if he laid it out that clearly to you. Whether you choose to accept it or not... that part is entirely up to you.
Whether he ends up single until he's 40 or 50 doesn't really matter much in this context, because he's already made his decision.
If you can't stomach things being handled this way, then maybe it's time to just call it quits.

I have been involved in several FWB arrangements, and in every single one, I am crystal clear from day one: this is strictly for fun. I don't tolerate even a hint of emotional attachment. The moment I notice someone starting to catch feelings—whether it's through excessive calling, an eagerness to talk constantly, wanting to grab coffee, pushing for romantic dinners, or sending birthday gifts—I end it immediately. I cut ties right then and there. You have been in this kind of setup for four years now, and he isn't changing; you are simply wasting your time. Every year you spend waiting for him to evolve is a year of your life you will never get back. You didn't mention how old you both are. How was this relationship defined from the very beginning? Is he allowed to see other people besides you, and if he is, how would that truly make you feel? If two people in a casual arrangement maintain exclusivity and interact frequently, it becomes an inevitability that things turn emotional.

Why do you keep mourning him and fixating on that age of 40 as if it's some expiration date for him? A man in his 40s, provided he takes care of himself and possesses average intelligence, can easily marry, start a family, and enjoy the rest of his life. Women face much stricter biological constraints, so that number means absolutely nothing for a man. In many ways, it's actually an advantage due to the maturity and experience he brings compared to many women.

Raymond Booth40 said:I’ve been in an open relationship—more like "friends with benefits"—with my partner for nearly four years now. I can't imagine walking away from this, but I have to wonder if there's any hope for things to change. He has told me repeatedly that he has zero interest in a committed relationship with anyone. To give some context, I spent five years on my own after leaving my previous partner, who ended up having a child with someone else. Now, my current partner tells me straight to my face that he doesn't care about the arrangement; he’s perfectly happy doing whatever he wants, and when I asked if it would stay this way forever, he said yes. It feels devastating to think this is all it will ever be. Is there actually anything that can be done here? Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed that I've allowed this to drag on for so long. It’s a sad situation, truly. While I wouldn't say I'm deeply attached, I find myself unable to walk away entirely. When I confronted him about it, he just gave me a Quote: "I'm fine like this. I don't want a relationship with anyone, period."

Yeah, you hit the nail right on the head.

I'm 25, and he's 37.

Raymond Booth40 said:He could have easily found someone much more interesting or compatible by age four. It’s not like every woman rejected him. And I definitely agree—he’s been playing games.
Plus, he has plenty of other options, yet he won't commit to any of them; at this rate, he could be single until he's forty. I actually feel bad for him. He's doing fine on his own, but if he actually found someone else, I'd finally have proof that his issues aren't just about me, but about how he treats everyone.

Wait, so you're saying you feel sorry for him just because he's doing okay right now? 🤔

Raymond Booth40 said:I have zero interest in finding someone else. Honestly, men have completely soured the whole idea for me.

Sure, and every heavy rock band is just Metallica. In life, everyone is essentially the same kid, and we’re all just leaves blowing in the wind.

The guy is decent; he told you straight up how he operates, and he hasn't played you. He’s doing exactly what he promised. If that doesn't work for you, then go find something better. It's on you if you settle for something that doesn't satisfy you.

Besides, why deal with a guy twelve years older than you? Find someone your own age.

Raymond Booth40 said:I’m staying, but... Alain Zanna made a great point above. If he knows I’ve already become emotionally attached, he should end things right now to keep it fair play. Instead, he keeps pulling me back in. Honestly, I don't think he's actually okay with calling it quits. He keeps calling me just to check in, even after I've turned down his attempts at meeting up or getting intimate. I find it hard to believe someone can act this way well into their 40s...

Hold on. Why would he be the one to end it if he's perfectly happy just using you? You're the one who fell in love here. You aren't looking for an exit; you're just coming to this forum to complain that he isn't playing the villain. Grow up. 😉

Sean Kern2 said:Look, I'm not her lawyer, and honestly, I don't even get the dynamic of this relationship in the first place. All I'm saying is, it's totally messed up that after four years he hasn't committed to her. People get more attached to their pets in less time than that, yet he acts like he couldn't care less. That's just pathetic. If I were a guy in that relationship, I would never treat someone the way he treats her. If I were in that spot and realized my girl was catching feelings for someone else, I'd sit her down, have a real talk, and then end it. I'd find someone cooler who actually matches my vibe. That's what fair play looks like.

The way he's acting is straight-up disgusting—it's primal, almost animalistic behavior. Besides, he doesn't even have a choice; it's easy to act like the alpha when you're dealing with a girl who is completely wrapped around your finger. He needs to find someone as cold as he is, and then maybe he'd actually have some standards. I guarantee it.

By supporting him, you're basically talking about yourself. 👍 And if you want to go there with explicit language about how people "screw" each other over, well, the feeling is mutual.

Would you please explain how you concluded that I am supporting him?
I am not supporting him, but I do believe he isn't the only sleazebag in this story. In my view, she bears more blame because she allowed herself to be screwed for such an extended period. 😉

Raymond Booth40 said:I'm 25, and he's 37.

Just enjoy life... 🙂you're 25 and you've already tied yourself to someone 12 years older who can't see a future with you.
If he still doesn't know where he stands after 4 years, then it's just not happening.

Clearly, sex isn't enough for you and you realize there's nothing more there with this guy. I wouldn't even be stressing about whether he'll end up single at 40... I'd be more worried about having wasted 4 years on someone who doesn't care, and why I'm still chasing him instead of moving on.

You're wasting your time in a "relationship" that doesn't make you happy, and you're losing sleep over whether he'll stay single or not?

Honestly, I can’t wrap my head around why he chose to be alone. He keeps insisting that being single is better, telling me I'm just being "boring" about it, and then doubling down by saying he's done with everyone. I just don't have the strength to pull the plug on this completely right now, yet it's crystal clear we can't even be friends. I wish I could just move on, but