Schizophrenia - General Discussion

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Hello everyone,
So, after my first official evaluation at the Mayo Clinic psychiatry department in San Francisco, the psychiatrist gave me an F20.6 diagnosis (simple Schizophrenia). Previously, I was being treated for depression by a private practitioner.
Anyway, this happened just two days ago, and I am still in shock. I called my former doctor, and she told me it was impossible—that someone with my level of education couldn't have this. For context, I hold a Master’s degree and am currently finishing a second Master’s in Physics.
After receiving the diagnosis, I did some reading online and was left... well, frankly, horrified. I'm scared. I truly believe I don't have this, but how can I know for certain? Can anyone help me make sense of this?
My symptoms are... I hate talking about this, and I don't speak much except with close contacts. I have my family and two other people I stay in touch with. I am not social at all; leaving the house is regularly a struggle and feels like an immense effort. On top of that, I have no appetite; I force myself to eat only when I'm starving, and I don't care what I eat. I lack desire and ambition; I feel empty inside most of the time, occasionally sad, but mostly just exhausted and listless. As for whether I am emotionally numb, I don't know... I cycle between periods of high sensitivity and being extremely suppressed, where I feel nothing but emptiness. I am frightened. I know that what I am going through isn't normal; I can feel that something is wrong with me, I just don't know what or why. It’s just terrible, and I want it to stop.
Everything is becoming harder, even going to university, though I love science. I’d much rather do everything from home. I often think about just giving up and staying in bed. Sometimes, when I have no obligations, I spend days on end just sleeping. About a month ago, I reconnected with a guy I've known for a long time, and we've started talking again. I think it’s helping me; we talk, and I actually feel something for him, which I think are good signs. My biggest struggle is my isolation from the world. I try to integrate more, but people often perceive me as unapproachable, so even at school, I usually end up alone.
I feel like I'm suffocating. It's been going on for a while now; there hasn't been a sustained better period, just slightly better days than the bad ones. Every day, I just hope it will be one of those better days.
I haven't really opened up to this guy yet. If only he knew... I think he knows me well since we were close friends in the past, but again, it’s all just too much for me right now.

I can't believe you're bringing up what a psychiatrist said—what does an education have to do with anything? Are people with a schizophrenia diagnosis suddenly less intelligent?

In your next post, you mentioned those episodes where you almost ended up hospitalized but managed to avoid it... what were those actually like? Could they have played a part in the current diagnosis?

I'm not sure if intelligence plays any role here, but her take was that a patient in my condition wouldn't even be capable of finishing college at this level. She wasn't questioning my intellect specifically, just my ability to actually handle the workload and responsibilities required by a degree.

To be honest, I have to admit that being stuck in the middle and having to keep up with all these obligations regularly is incredibly draining. It’s a massive source of stress for me—not because of the science, which I love, but because of everything else surrounding it.

I wonder if the seizures might have skewed the diagnosis, especially since I kept them quiet when talking to the doctor. He seemed pretty arrogant, just confidently slapping that diagnosis on me after the initial exam without a second thought. I still have a few more tests to go, so... I'm still holding onto the belief that he got it wrong.
My most recent episodes were terrifying; I don't even know what they were, and I hate even trying to remember them. All I know is that I felt this intense fear, like I was dying from the inside out. There was this inexplicable ache in my soul and an overwhelming emptiness that just hollowed me out, making it feel impossible to even exist because I didn't feel like myself. It was like something vague took control of me, and for those split seconds where I'd regain consciousness, pure panic would set in because I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. It just looped endlessly. Afterward, I’d shake uncontrollably for hours, staying silent one moment and sobbing hysterically the next. Once the medication finally kicked in, it just broke me, and I fell into a heavy sleep right where I was. My mom was terrified and wanted to call 911, but she didn't want them to take me away, so fortunately, we stayed put.

Interesting... when I first joined this forum, I wasn't expecting such silence. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm trying to engage and stay busy with my daily routine... even posting here. I'm sharing my situation just to feel, for a moment, like it isn't actually happening. :-)

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Interesting... when I first joined this forum, I wasn't expecting such silence. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm trying to engage and stay busy with my daily routine... even posting here. I'm sharing my situation just to feel, for a moment, like it isn't actually happening. :-)

There isn't much left to say, really. And what you don't know yet—well, I guess it's this: people living with that specific diagnosis rarely function at your level. Usually, it "hits" them much earlier, and after that, it’s basically just a slow, lingering agony under medication for the rest of their lives.
Though, from what you're describing, it sounds more like depression to me. Not that one rules out the other, obviously; I mean, there's hardly ever a case of schizophrenia that doesn't involve depressive symptoms.

Hm... I’ve been doing some thinking lately and realized I’ve actually been this way since I was about 19. That’s when it all started, though I was pretty good at masking it. Not even Mark Baker17 noticed, but my best friend saw right through me. Eventually, I drifted away from her. Over the years, I’ve distanced myself from everyone. I’ve had my ups and downs, but deep down, that feeling has always been chasing me... and tonight, it’s hitting hard.
I’m 27 now... which feels heavy. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever actually be okay, or even just "better." I tend to hide behind my projects, sometimes working on them with this manic intensity like they’re the only thing keeping me alive; otherwise, I’m just sleeping or staring into space, waiting for the time to pass. Honestly, things have taken a much darker turn over the last two years. I feel emotionally hollow. Even eating has become a mindless ritual—I go through the motions perfectly, just like everything else I do, but food has lost its flavor. There’s just no sensation left... it feels like my soul has completely vacated. The only exceptions are these brief episodes where my creativity and all this potential I don't even know I possess suddenly burst out of me, and I feel amazing for a moment.
I don't have a boyfriend, obviously. Someone in that position would need to be able to understand this, because on the outside, I look fine—pretty, normal, put-together—but inside, I'm empty... or maybe I'm just chasing something that isn't there.
So, I just got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder... and I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I guess only time will tell.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Hm... I’ve been doing some thinking lately and realized I’ve actually been this way since I was about 19. That’s when it all started, though I was pretty good at masking it. Not even Mark Baker17 noticed, but my best friend saw right through me. Eventually, I drifted away from her. Over the years, I’ve distanced myself from everyone. I’ve had my ups and downs, but deep down, that feeling has always been chasing me... and tonight, it’s hitting hard.
I’m 27 now... which feels heavy. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever actually be okay, or even just "better." I tend to hide behind my projects, sometimes working on them with this manic intensity like they’re the only thing keeping me alive; otherwise, I’m just sleeping or staring into space, waiting for the time to pass. Honestly, things have taken a much darker turn over the last two years. I feel emotionally hollow. Even eating has become a mindless ritual—I go through the motions perfectly, just like everything else I do, but food has lost its flavor. There’s just no sensation left... it feels like my soul has completely vacated. The only exceptions are these brief episodes where my creativity and all this potential I don't even know I possess suddenly burst out of me, and I feel amazing for a moment.
I don't have a boyfriend, obviously. Someone in that position would need to be able to understand this, because on the outside, I look fine—pretty, normal, put-together—but inside, I'm empty... or maybe I'm just chasing something that isn't there.
So, I just got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder... and I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I guess only time will tell.

Lately, I've been oscillating between "your" diagnosis and F20.0 (Paranoid Schizophrenia).
With simplex schizophrenia, it's primarily the negative symptoms—things like depression and social withdrawal—that are present, while the productive symptoms are often managed by medication.
Subjectively speaking, simplex can be harder to live with day-to-day, yet a person might still manage to function reasonably well in their career and personal life. On the other hand, during an acute phase of paranoid schizophrenia, hospitalization becomes necessary.
Getting the diagnosis itself doesn't change who you are, even if the doctor hit the nail on the head. If it's accurate, having a label actually makes treatment and daily functioning easier to manage, even if the diagnosis happens to be schizophrenia.

Harold Anderson3 said:Lately, I've been oscillating between "your" diagnosis and F20.0 (Paranoid Schizophrenia).
With simplex schizophrenia, it's primarily the negative symptoms—things like depression and social withdrawal—that are present, while the productive symptoms are often managed by medication.
Subjectively speaking, simplex can be harder to live with day-to-day, yet a person might still manage to function reasonably well in their career and personal life. On the other hand, during an acute phase of paranoid schizophrenia, hospitalization becomes necessary.
Getting the diagnosis itself doesn't change who you are, even if the doctor hit the nail on the head. If it's accurate, having a label actually makes treatment and daily functioning easier to manage, even if the diagnosis happens to be schizophrenia.

You're right, and I appreciate you sharing that with me. It's good to hear. I don't feel quite that way at this exact moment, but I know you're correct. To be honest, I'm undecided about starting treatment, though since my symptoms are worsening, I'll likely have to; otherwise, this will just take over until I lose all connection to the world around me. I don't want to do that to my family; I don't want to be a burden. Beyond that, I am truly determined to finish my Master's and hopefully move on to a PhD. That goal is the one thing keeping me grounded and away from my "madness." Sometimes it sparks a real passion in me to feel truly alive, even if the sheer stress and workload of grad school are absolutely overwhelming.

If I may ask Dr. Diego, what does your daily life actually look like? How do you spend your days? .....

Rebecca Rivera3 said:If I may ask Dr. Diego, what does your daily life actually look like? How do you spend your days? .....

Well... I'm currently a sophomore at MIT, working various student jobs just to keep my head above water. I'm 29, single, and haven't found a partner yet. I wouldn't say I've become one of those "classic" schizophrenics who has completely given up on functioning and lives solely off disability checks, but I definitely don't live a totally "normal" life either—not that anyone’s life is without its struggles. My mom also deals with schizophrenia; she's been retired for nearly 20 years now, having transitioned out of work when she was about 35.
So far, I've had six hospitalizations, five of which were at a facility in Los Angeles (the most recent was just two months ago). There was a woman who started this thread about ten years ago, if I recall correctly. Her condition progressed much faster because she frequently stopped her medication, though she actually has a much better living situation than I do—her environment isn't quite as rough as mine. What I mean is, my struggle isn't just my own diagnosis; I'm also managing my mother's health and caring for my grandmother, who is getting quite old... it's a lot to carry, but I'm hanging in there and trying not to let it break me.
E: You know, there are plenty of people with schizophrenia who have earned PhDs and even teach at major universities. One individual, who sadly passed away, even went on to win a Nobel Prize. 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:Well... I'm currently a sophomore at MIT, working various student jobs just to keep my head above water. I'm 29, single, and haven't found a partner yet. I wouldn't say I've become one of those "classic" schizophrenics who has completely given up on functioning and lives solely off disability checks, but I definitely don't live a totally "normal" life either—not that anyone’s life is without its struggles. My mom also deals with schizophrenia; she's been retired for nearly 20 years now, having transitioned out of work when she was about 35.
So far, I've had six hospitalizations, five of which were at a facility in Los Angeles (the most recent was just two months ago). There was a woman who started this thread about ten years ago, if I recall correctly. Her condition progressed much faster because she frequently stopped her medication, though she actually has a much better living situation than I do—her environment isn't quite as rough as mine. What I mean is, my struggle isn't just my own diagnosis; I'm also managing my mother's health and caring for my grandmother, who is getting quite old... it's a lot to carry, but I'm hanging in there and trying not to let it break me.
E: You know, there are plenty of people with schizophrenia who have earned PhDs and even teach at major universities. One individual, who sadly passed away, even went on to win a Nobel Prize. 🙂

How are you feeling? What kind of emotions are you running through right now? Why were you hospitalized for hallucinations and other symptoms? What was the hospitalization actually like—what happened that was severe enough to require being admitted?
E, my environment is an issue for me too. My life isn't exactly great, though I'm lucky enough not to have to work right now—though I don't know how I would manage, since any unfamiliar environment causes massive stress that makes my condition worse. How do you manage to hold down a job?
Most of all, I'm curious about how you handle emotional numbness. When that hits, how do you force yourself to do anything if you aren't really feeling much?

Rebecca Rivera3 said:How are you feeling? What kind of emotions are you running through right now? Why were you hospitalized for hallucinations and other symptoms? What was the hospitalization actually like—what happened that was severe enough to require being admitted?
E, my environment is an issue for me too. My life isn't exactly great, though I'm lucky enough not to have to work right now—though I don't know how I would manage, since any unfamiliar environment causes massive stress that makes my condition worse. How do you manage to hold down a job?
Most of all, I'm curious about how you handle emotional numbness. When that hits, how do you force yourself to do anything if you aren't really feeling much?

That's a lot of questions to tackle 😉

My moods tend to swing quite a bit. I've actually written quite a bit about this lately, so if you want more context, feel free to look back through my posts on the previous page. This most recent hospital stay was pretty brief, just about three weeks. Before that, I had been working for three months straight, waking up at 5:00 AM every single day, working until 2:00 PM, and then heading straight to my college lectures in the afternoon. It just completely drained me, and even though I was staying consistent with my medication, the psychosis came rushing back. It’s funny, in a dark sort of way—I managed to stick it out and finish my work term, but it was only once I stopped working that everything spiraled. I’m actually looking to start a job at a warehouse again soon. People can see that I’m struggling, but they also see that I’m genuinely trying, so most employers tend to leave me to it. I do lose jobs occasionally, but it's rare. They're usually just simple student jobs where speed matters more than high-level responsibility. Once I graduate from university, I'll have to move into roles that require more accountability, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I'll navigate that.

Harold Anderson3 said:That's a lot of questions to tackle 😉

My moods tend to swing quite a bit. I've actually written quite a bit about this lately, so if you want more context, feel free to look back through my posts on the previous page. This most recent hospital stay was pretty brief, just about three weeks. Before that, I had been working for three months straight, waking up at 5:00 AM every single day, working until 2:00 PM, and then heading straight to my college lectures in the afternoon. It just completely drained me, and even though I was staying consistent with my medication, the psychosis came rushing back. It’s funny, in a dark sort of way—I managed to stick it out and finish my work term, but it was only once I stopped working that everything spiraled. I’m actually looking to start a job at a warehouse again soon. People can see that I’m struggling, but they also see that I’m genuinely trying, so most employers tend to leave me to it. I do lose jobs occasionally, but it's rare. They're usually just simple student jobs where speed matters more than high-level responsibility. Once I graduate from university, I'll have to move into roles that require more accountability, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I'll navigate that.

I read that... you suffer from severe depressive episodes and manic psychoses... which do you prefer? I assume you at least feel something during the manic phases? I understand that since these are routine jobs, it's manageable for now...
Jobs requiring higher responsibility are more stressful and would likely worsen my condition... I feel the same way about myself.
You mentioned people notice... is it difficult for you when you can see it in their faces that they're looking at you differently?
He wrote that the idea of a relationship between a healthy person and someone with mental illness is a myth... I agree with him, as only similar people can truly understand one another.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:I read that... you suffer from severe depressive episodes and manic psychoses... which do you prefer? I assume you at least feel something during the manic phases? I understand that since these are routine jobs, it's manageable for now...
Jobs requiring higher responsibility are more stressful and would likely worsen my condition... I feel the same way about myself.
You mentioned people notice... is it difficult for you when you can see it in their faces that they're looking at you differently?
He wrote that the idea of a relationship between a healthy person and someone with mental illness is a myth... I agree with him, as only similar people can truly understand one another.

People look at me differently mostly because they can tell I'm struggling, so they usually just feel sorry for me. Or, honestly, they don't look at me any differently at all. 🤷 Like most people dealing with mental health issues, I'm not a danger to anyone else; I'm only ever a danger to myself. Of course, the manic phases are easier to live through—you actually feel alive, or at least you act like you are. It's just that if things spiral out of control, I end up back in the hospital. But... let's not talk about the illness anymore. 🙂
By the way, what medications are you on? As far as I know, Eglonil isn't an antipsychotic. If you have a schizophrenia diagnosis, you really should be taking at least one antipsychotic. I take two (Azolar and Zyprexa). Zyprexa absolutely wipes me out, though; it just makes me sleep constantly.

Harold Anderson3 said:People look at me differently mostly because they can tell I'm struggling, so they usually just feel sorry for me. Or, honestly, they don't look at me any differently at all. 🤷 Like most people dealing with mental health issues, I'm not a danger to anyone else; I'm only ever a danger to myself. Of course, the manic phases are easier to live through—you actually feel alive, or at least you act like you are. It's just that if things spiral out of control, I end up back in the hospital. But... let's not talk about the illness anymore. 🙂
By the way, what medications are you on? As far as I know, Eglonil isn't an antipsychotic. If you have a schizophrenia diagnosis, you really should be taking at least one antipsychotic. I take two (Azolar and Zyprexa). Zyprexa absolutely wipes me out, though; it just makes me sleep constantly.

Eglony is an antipsychotic, but I only take it some days and skip it others... I honestly don't know if I'll even go back to my psychiatrist. They want to switch me to different antipsychotics and seem to think I've completely lost it😵. Do you think the meds actually help? How can we ever tell if it's just a placebo effect that we're enduring all those side effects for?

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Eglony is an antipsychotic, but I only take it some days and skip it others... I honestly don't know if I'll even go back to my psychiatrist. They want to switch me to different antipsychotics and seem to think I've completely lost it😵. Do you think the meds actually help? How can we ever tell if it's just a placebo effect that we're enduring all those side effects for?

They definitely work, though. In my experience, the best sign that they're doing their job is when you don't actually feel anything at all. You only realize how much they were helping when you miss a dose or stop taking them entirely, and then the psychosis starts creeping back in.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Eglony is an antipsychotic, but I only take it some days and skip it others... I honestly don't know if I'll even go back to my psychiatrist. They want to switch me to different antipsychotics and seem to think I've completely lost it😵. Do you think the meds actually help? How can we ever tell if it's just a placebo effect that we're enduring all those side effects for?

Well, they go through rigorous FDA clinical trials... and honestly, you can look up the data for any specific medication to see exactly how much better it performs compared to a placebo regarding individual symptoms.
The real issue, I suppose, is that most of the meds currently on the market don't show a particularly strong effect when it comes to those "negative" symptoms.

Mark Baker17 said:Well, they go through rigorous FDA clinical trials... and honestly, you can look up the data for any specific medication to see exactly how much better it performs compared to a placebo regarding individual symptoms.
The real issue, I suppose, is that most of the meds currently on the market don't show a particularly strong effect when it comes to those "negative" symptoms.

Which essentially means we can't effectively treat that specific subtype of schizophrenia where negative symptoms dominate and positive ones are almost non-existent.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Which essentially means we can't effectively treat that specific subtype of schizophrenia where negative symptoms dominate and positive ones are almost non-existent.

Yeah, I guess that's the reality of it for now, unfortunately.
But, obviously, that doesn't mean antipsychotics aren't useful in these cases...

Greetings, everyone! ☕
How is everybody doing today? Angela Stewart6, you've got some serious style!

Hey everyone. Has anyone here ever gone through a disability evaluation? I’m headed in for mine shortly, so I was wondering if you could share what your experience was like. I’m heading over to the Social Security office near downtown Phoenix because that’s where my dad went back in the day, so they just put me on the list too. Is it actually hard to get approved, and what kind of rights am I looking at once it's settled?