Schizophrenia - General Discussion

Jose Ward4 said:Wait, hold on. You take your medication just so you can stay active on the forum? Besides, they don't ban you just because you post a lot; it depends on *what* you actually write. I saw someone like that after I got out of the hospital, too. He had no idea where he was. Almost got hit by a city bus.

Whether I'm staying busy on these message boards or out in the real world doesn't really matter to me, as long as I'm staying productive. My main goal is just to make sure I'm not totally falling apart, whether that's online or just navigating life in general, you know?

Harold Anderson3 said:Whether I'm staying busy on these message boards or out in the real world doesn't really matter to me, as long as I'm staying productive. My main goal is just to make sure I'm not totally falling apart, whether that's online or just navigating life in general, you know?

I hear you, I really do. Look, I'm sorry, man. I'm just not having a good day today. It’s always like this whenever I leave a session with my psychiatrist. Please don't be mad at me. I truly wish you nothing but the best. This woman just wrecks me. It’s honestly getting unbearable. And honestly? All these psychiatrists and psychologists... they just throw diagnoses at you that don't even exist just so they can play around with their expensive medications. It's all about the profit. They're all part of the same system. See? Now I'm apologizing and trying to relate. It's taking me a while to finally pull myself together. I think even my primary care doctor noticed, because I showed up at her office looking like a complete wreck. She's known me forever; I've been there a million times. She knows how I breathe. She actually rushed out after five minutes to head toward the hallway where the specialist's office is. I'm not even sure. I just don't feel right when I go to see her, and I always come back feeling broken. I'm only starting to feel human again now that I've watched "normal life" on CNN. That actually helped ground me a bit. It'll probably take me two or three days to fully recover and start functioning normally again. She just breaks me down and makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. You can't truly know a person in five minutes. Sure, they might judge how you act, how you feel, or what you think in those five minutes, but they have no idea what a person is actually going through. You need to spend real time with someone. It’s all wrong. It's all just a way to make money and build a corrupt society. It's all lies. It's just about them getting rich while we suffer. I've been thinking more and more lately that I was already hitting a breaking point back when I was in college. Back at the College of Science. I really think that if I hadn't enrolled there, I wouldn't even be doing this stuff today. Sorry again.

Jose Ward4 said:I hear you, I really do. Look, I'm sorry, man. I'm just not having a good day today. It’s always like this whenever I leave a session with my psychiatrist. Please don't be mad at me. I truly wish you nothing but the best. This woman just wrecks me. It’s honestly getting unbearable. And honestly? All these psychiatrists and psychologists... they just throw diagnoses at you that don't even exist just so they can play around with their expensive medications. It's all about the profit. They're all part of the same system. See? Now I'm apologizing and trying to relate. It's taking me a while to finally pull myself together. I think even my primary care doctor noticed, because I showed up at her office looking like a complete wreck. She's known me forever; I've been there a million times. She knows how I breathe. She actually rushed out after five minutes to head toward the hallway where the specialist's office is. I'm not even sure. I just don't feel right when I go to see her, and I always come back feeling broken. I'm only starting to feel human again now that I've watched "normal life" on CNN. That actually helped ground me a bit. It'll probably take me two or three days to fully recover and start functioning normally again. She just breaks me down and makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. You can't truly know a person in five minutes. Sure, they might judge how you act, how you feel, or what you think in those five minutes, but they have no idea what a person is actually going through. You need to spend real time with someone. It’s all wrong. It's all just a way to make money and build a corrupt society. It's all lies. It's just about them getting rich while we suffer. I've been thinking more and more lately that I was already hitting a breaking point back when I was in college. Back at the College of Science. I really think that if I hadn't enrolled there, I wouldn't even be doing this stuff today. Sorry again.

Please, try not to be so hard on yourself. If it was meant to happen—if you were destined to fall ill—then it would have happened regardless of your choices.

I am not entirely sure which major you chose at the College of Science. However, if your studies focused on biology, and if that knowledge touches upon microbiology in any way, perhaps there is a path toward becoming a lab technician? You could work analyzing blood, urine, or stool samples, operating the diagnostic machinery and issuing reports.

Sure, the work might feel a bit tedious at times, but at least you would be distanced from the crowds.

Alternatively, you might be able to transition into that role provided you bridge the gap between your degree and medical school training—assuming, of course, your background is in biology or chemistry.

No matter how useless your education feels right now, you still hold a massive advantage over anyone who only finished high school.

Jose Ward4 said:I hear you, I really do. Look, I'm sorry, man. I'm just not having a good day today. It’s always like this whenever I leave a session with my psychiatrist. Please don't be mad at me. I truly wish you nothing but the best. This woman just wrecks me. It’s honestly getting unbearable. And honestly? All these psychiatrists and psychologists... they just throw diagnoses at you that don't even exist just so they can play around with their expensive medications. It's all about the profit. They're all part of the same system. See? Now I'm apologizing and trying to relate. It's taking me a while to finally pull myself together. I think even my primary care doctor noticed, because I showed up at her office looking like a complete wreck. She's known me forever; I've been there a million times. She knows how I breathe. She actually rushed out after five minutes to head toward the hallway where the specialist's office is. I'm not even sure. I just don't feel right when I go to see her, and I always come back feeling broken. I'm only starting to feel human again now that I've watched "normal life" on CNN. That actually helped ground me a bit. It'll probably take me two or three days to fully recover and start functioning normally again. She just breaks me down and makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. You can't truly know a person in five minutes. Sure, they might judge how you act, how you feel, or what you think in those five minutes, but they have no idea what a person is actually going through. You need to spend real time with someone. It’s all wrong. It's all just a way to make money and build a corrupt society. It's all lies. It's just about them getting rich while we suffer. I've been thinking more and more lately that I was already hitting a breaking point back when I was in college. Back at the College of Science. I really think that if I hadn't enrolled there, I wouldn't even be doing this stuff today. Sorry again.

So, where are you planning on seeing your therapist? Which hospital are you heading to? You have to be careful because those places can be incredibly aggressive sometimes; they can practically beat the life out of you just to make you comply. In my experience, they haven't been quite that heavy-handed, but it really bothered me when they kept insisting that I was living a totally normal life and that I was just like everyone else. The problem is, whenever I actually step out into the world or head into the office, it becomes glaringly obvious that I’m not quite like the rest of them. My doctor explained that this kind of reassurace—this attempt to convince me everything is fine—is actually part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and apparently, it’s supposed to work. It’s a strange feeling, knowing they’re essentially feeding me a little white lie just so I feel better, even if it isn't strictly true. But honestly, it feels like whenever there's a choice between whether a patient actually *feels* good or just *acts* calm, they’ll always choose the latter. As long as you're acting quiet and composed, they're satisfied, even if you're going through absolute hell on the inside. That’s why I feel like most of them end up prescribing way more medication than is actually necessary. It’s just a messy way to do things.
It’s entirely possible that the fax machine caused you some grief, especially if you were following the wrong steps. But hey, what's done is done. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to wrap my head around it either, no matter how much of a math whiz I might be naturally. Some things are just plain too difficult.

Nicole Barrett76 said:Please, try not to be so hard on yourself. If it was meant to happen—if you were destined to fall ill—then it would have happened regardless of your choices.

I am not entirely sure which major you chose at the College of Science. However, if your studies focused on biology, and if that knowledge touches upon microbiology in any way, perhaps there is a path toward becoming a lab technician? You could work analyzing blood, urine, or stool samples, operating the diagnostic machinery and issuing reports.

Sure, the work might feel a bit tedious at times, but at least you would be distanced from the crowds.

Alternatively, you might be able to transition into that role provided you bridge the gap between your degree and medical school training—assuming, of course, your background is in biology or chemistry.

No matter how useless your education feels right now, you still hold a massive advantage over anyone who only finished high school.

Jose Ward4 spent some time studying physics over at the College of Science, though he didn't quite stick it out until graduation.

Harold Anderson3 said:So, where are you planning on seeing your therapist? Which hospital are you heading to? You have to be careful because those places can be incredibly aggressive sometimes; they can practically beat the life out of you just to make you comply. In my experience, they haven't been quite that heavy-handed, but it really bothered me when they kept insisting that I was living a totally normal life and that I was just like everyone else. The problem is, whenever I actually step out into the world or head into the office, it becomes glaringly obvious that I’m not quite like the rest of them. My doctor explained that this kind of reassurace—this attempt to convince me everything is fine—is actually part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and apparently, it’s supposed to work. It’s a strange feeling, knowing they’re essentially feeding me a little white lie just so I feel better, even if it isn't strictly true. But honestly, it feels like whenever there's a choice between whether a patient actually *feels* good or just *acts* calm, they’ll always choose the latter. As long as you're acting quiet and composed, they're satisfied, even if you're going through absolute hell on the inside. That’s why I feel like most of them end up prescribing way more medication than is actually necessary. It’s just a messy way to do things.
It’s entirely possible that the fax machine caused you some grief, especially if you were following the wrong steps. But hey, what's done is done. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to wrap my head around it either, no matter how much of a math whiz I might be naturally. Some things are just plain too difficult.

Jose Ward4 spent some time studying physics over at the College of Science, though he didn't quite stick it out until graduation.

Can you even begin to fathom the psychological state of patients suffering from schizophrenia thirty or forty years ago, back when a psychiatrist was treated like God and held absolute authority over you?

Nowadays, at the very least, any patient dealing with a medical condition has the ability to research their condition through the Internet.

According to professional standards, a psychiatrist should never show surprise at anything a patient says during a session. Years ago, when my therapist attempted to prescribe an antidepressant, I asked her whether, given my specific symptoms, an antidepressant could potentially exacerbate certain issues—specifically because it triggers euphoria, hyperactivity, and heightened irritability. She took such a sharp, audible breath that even with my poor eyesight, I could tell by the sound alone that she was stunned. She looked at me and asked, "How did you know that?" I think I told her I had read it in a book, but she didn't even hear my answer.

I actually learned about that rule regarding maintaining a neutral demeanor from a book by Dr. Nade Žanko - Intervencia regarding crisis therapy. Or something to that effect. I read that book somewhere around 2001 or 2002.

Nicole Barrett76 said:Can you even begin to fathom the psychological state of patients suffering from schizophrenia thirty or forty years ago, back when a psychiatrist was treated like God and held absolute authority over you?

Nowadays, at the very least, any patient dealing with a medical condition has the ability to research their condition through the Internet.

According to professional standards, a psychiatrist should never show surprise at anything a patient says during a session. Years ago, when my therapist attempted to prescribe an antidepressant, I asked her whether, given my specific symptoms, an antidepressant could potentially exacerbate certain issues—specifically because it triggers euphoria, hyperactivity, and heightened irritability. She took such a sharp, audible breath that even with my poor eyesight, I could tell by the sound alone that she was stunned. She looked at me and asked, "How did you know that?" I think I told her I had read it in a book, but she didn't even hear my answer.

I actually learned about that rule regarding maintaining a neutral demeanor from a book by Dr. Nade Žanko - Intervencia regarding crisis therapy. Or something to that effect. I read that book somewhere around 2001 or 2002.

That’s very true. My mother fell ill with schizophrenia about 35 years ago, and she was completely lost in her condition; her surroundings back then were quite narrow-minded, and her quality of life was essentially doomed.
On the other hand, I developed my condition eight years ago. Having seen an instance of schizophrenia in my immediate circle, I could make a pretty good guess at what was coming for me. It didn't save me from the diagnosis, but thanks to all that experience—and the internet—I’m functioning much better now. Since being diagnosed, I’ve only had two hospitalizations; the first wasn't even due to an episode but rather depression, and the second one, about five months ago, was due to psychosis. For this particular illness, that’s a pretty decent outcome, and it's largely because I didn't let the disease take over; I had ways to find information, and I had people who pushed me forward when it really mattered.

@Harold Anderson3 man, I'm heading to the clinic. If I had actually gone to the hospital, I think I would have completely lost it. Yesterday was just bizarre. It felt like she was playing mind games with me. I don't know. She asks me stuff like, "Who's cooking for you?" As if she doesn't know I live alone. And then there were more questions like that. My head started pounding and I just began to lose myself. I started acting totally irrational. And at the end, she just kind of brushed me off. Like, I don't even know how to describe it. Just a total "I don't give a damn about you" vibe. That's the impression I got. Honestly, it was like, "You hurt my feelings, so now you can just screw off." I have no idea. I barely made it out of there. I honestly don't even remember how I got home. I swear. It’s like she washed my brain with those eyes and that voice—like she keeps changing her tone. I've got no clue. bogte, it's like she's the crazy one, not me. Thank God I didn't go to the IRS right after that. Jesus, imagine the look they'd give me. My God. You know how it is, you have this reputation among all those "normal" people and then... well, thank God I didn't go. Look, this might sound weird to you, but you know when you take your car to a mechanic? Like, you drop it off at a shop in Chicago or something for repairs. The mechanic runs a diagnosis, tells you what's wrong with the machine—maybe the screen is shot or the timing belt is gone—and then he tries to fix it or swap it out. That’s exactly how it felt to me. I felt like a car, just sitting there with all these emotions, except I'm not a car, and here she is diagnosing a malfunction in me. It’s such a terrible feeling. It's practically telling you that something is fundamentally broken inside you. And I think that goes for male psychiatrists too. It's the same method. Establishing a breakdown. Why is it that instead of a kidney or a heart, it's always your psyche or your soul? That's not something to play with. I don't even know what else to say. I actually feel a bit better today. Better, anyway. I forgot about it. The anger and the anxiety just vanished. Now that I'm thinking back on it... when I walked in and looked at her before she even looked at me, I had this feeling like she was reading my thoughts. Just another machine.

Hey everyone,

I guess I’m joining the club of people dealing with an F29 diagnosis. I’m currently undergoing treatment for it, and I was wondering if anyone else here struggles with memory, focus, or just general mental fog after an episode? It really wipes me out afterward. Since @Harold Anderson3 is hanging out here, I might as well give him a formal shout-out: "Dr. Harold Anderson3, maybe you should read fewer books so you don't end up taking a path less traveled."

Jose Ward4 said:@Harold Anderson3 man, I'm heading to the clinic. If I had actually gone to the hospital, I think I would have completely lost it. Yesterday was just bizarre. It felt like she was playing mind games with me. I don't know. She asks me stuff like, "Who's cooking for you?" As if she doesn't know I live alone. And then there were more questions like that. My head started pounding and I just began to lose myself. I started acting totally irrational. And at the end, she just kind of brushed me off. Like, I don't even know how to describe it. Just a total "I don't give a damn about you" vibe. That's the impression I got. Honestly, it was like, "You hurt my feelings, so now you can just screw off." I have no idea. I barely made it out of there. I honestly don't even remember how I got home. I swear. It’s like she washed my brain with those eyes and that voice—like she keeps changing her tone. I've got no clue. bogte, it's like she's the crazy one, not me. Thank God I didn't go to the IRS right after that. Jesus, imagine the look they'd give me. My God. You know how it is, you have this reputation among all those "normal" people and then... well, thank God I didn't go. Look, this might sound weird to you, but you know when you take your car to a mechanic? Like, you drop it off at a shop in Chicago or something for repairs. The mechanic runs a diagnosis, tells you what's wrong with the machine—maybe the screen is shot or the timing belt is gone—and then he tries to fix it or swap it out. That’s exactly how it felt to me. I felt like a car, just sitting there with all these emotions, except I'm not a car, and here she is diagnosing a malfunction in me. It’s such a terrible feeling. It's practically telling you that something is fundamentally broken inside you. And I think that goes for male psychiatrists too. It's the same method. Establishing a breakdown. Why is it that instead of a kidney or a heart, it's always your psyche or your soul? That's not something to play with. I don't even know what else to say. I actually feel a bit better today. Better, anyway. I forgot about it. The anger and the anxiety just vanished. Now that I'm thinking back on it... when I walked in and looked at her before she even looked at me, I had this feeling like she was reading my thoughts. Just another machine.

Look, you don't exactly have much time during those kinds of appointments. Doctors are often forced to churn through an overwhelming number of patients, and that's a direct failure of the healthcare system itself. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I want you to understand that this isn't always about the individual doctor-patient relationship. There is a massive, systemic machine behind it all, and ultimately, it's the patients who end up suffering the consequences.
Jose Ward4, any chance you can change your profile picture?

Jose Walker14 said:Hey everyone,

I guess I’m joining the club of people dealing with an F29 diagnosis. I’m currently undergoing treatment for it, and I was wondering if anyone else here struggles with memory, focus, or just general mental fog after an episode? It really wipes me out afterward. Since @Harold Anderson3 is hanging out here, I might as well give him a formal shout-out: "Dr. Harold Anderson3, maybe you should read fewer books so you don't end up taking a path less traveled."

Hey there, and welcome to the forum! 😉
Yeah, most people deal with those exact issues, and mood swings usually follow close behind.
As for 'The Road Less Traveled'? Why not take it one step further and go off-road entirely! 😁

Andrew Doyle said:Look, you don't exactly have much time during those kinds of appointments. Doctors are often forced to churn through an overwhelming number of patients, and that's a direct failure of the healthcare system itself. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I want you to understand that this isn't always about the individual doctor-patient relationship. There is a massive, systemic machine behind it all, and ultimately, it's the patients who end up suffering the consequences.
Jose Ward4, any chance you can change your profile picture?

The mental health system here in the States is honestly a disaster. They don't have the time to focus on you even when you're inpatient, let alone when you're out in the community. At least the medications are completely covered by insurance, so I guess that's one small win. Otherwise, your only real option is private psychiatry, and the prices there are absolutely astronomical. For me, it feels like I have to work nearly two full days on a construction site just to afford a single hour of psychotherapy. It's a bit of a catch-22, isn't it? I suppose if someone actually earns enough to afford it, they must be doing okay mentally and won't need the help anyway.

@Harold Anderson3, I’m interested in the book. Maybe it’s just because we go back to that first floor when Amon was still around... Anyway, long story short, do you remember who lent you that MP3 player? We should grab coffee sometime.

PS, you were pretty much a psycho back then, just like me. 🙂

Jose Walker14 said:@Harold Anderson3, I’m interested in the book. Maybe it’s just because we go back to that first floor when Amon was still around... Anyway, long story short, do you remember who lent you that MP3 player? We should grab coffee sometime.

PS, you were pretty much a psycho back then, just like me. 🙂

That’s definitely me! I actually stumbled upon that book the other day and saw your number tucked inside, but I couldn't quite bring myself to call you. 🙂
I ran into Amon a few days ago... poor guy looks completely lost wandering around town... I think he knows where he's headed, but he's just totally checked out from reality, stuck deep in his own head.
If you happen to be in Chicago, maybe we could catch up over coffee. 🙂 😉

@Harold Anderson3, let's grab coffee sometime. I lost your number in all that chaos... I ended up heading over to the FBI and now I'm on day shift. I think Amon was at the FBI for a bit too, but he's probably been let go. Anyway, I'm struggling because my head still isn't quite right; I can't get any programming done. I wonder if that damn concentration ever actually comes back.

Give me a call.

Harold Anderson3 said:That’s definitely me! I actually stumbled upon that book the other day and saw your number tucked inside, but I couldn't quite bring myself to call you. 🙂
I ran into Amon a few days ago... poor guy looks completely lost wandering around town... I think he knows where he's headed, but he's just totally checked out from reality, stuck deep in his own head.
If you happen to be in Chicago, maybe we could catch up over coffee. 🙂 😉

What a coincidence that you brought up Amon! We became friends back when I lived in Brooklyn. He isn't even on Facebook anymore, and we can never seem to coordinate a time to grab coffee—we actually bumped into each other once in the city.

Jason Kim6 said:What a coincidence that you brought up Amon! We became friends back when I lived in Brooklyn. He isn't even on Facebook anymore, and we can never seem to coordinate a time to grab coffee—we actually bumped into each other once in the city.

To be honest, I actually spotted him just the other day, and he didn't look like he was doing too well. He's always been such a kind, sharp guy, so it's a real shame to see. Anyway, how have things been with you lately?🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:To be honest, I actually spotted him just the other day, and he didn't look like he was doing too well. He's always been such a kind, sharp guy, so it's a real shame to see. Anyway, how have things been with you lately?🙂

I'm doing fine, thanks. Amon is a legend—he deserves the help. I'm broke too, I guess, but he’s truly struggling. He doesn't even have a phone—so there's no way for me to call him.

Jason Kim6 said:I'm doing fine, thanks. Amon is a legend—he deserves the help. I'm broke too, I guess, but he’s truly struggling. He doesn't even have a phone—so there's no way for me to call him.

I actually spotted him over in my neighborhood recently, so if I run into him again, I'll definitely try to strike up a conversation. That is, assuming he remembers me—we used to hang out back when we were both patients at the hospital, so hopefully he does. To be fair, I was feeling pretty wiped out back then too, so I wasn't exactly in the mood to be social.

The ghosts of my past are haunting me. I can barely breathe; the air feels stifling, and even when I try to open the window, nothing happens. It's pitch black outside, and part of me just wants to vanish into the night because whenever I close my eyes... everything becomes too real. These nightmares won't stop.
I can't run from my past. No matter where I look, there it is. Even if I can't see it, I hear it. And if it goes silent? It’s still right there—quiet, heavy, and looming like a shadow. It never leaves me alone.

There is a certain beauty in madness—it’s where true individual creativity lives. Being misunderstood often comes with a heavy price of pain and solitude, but it's part of being unique.
Shadow told me I should just sleep. It said black holes aren't even real; they're just a utopia, a perfect state of absorption that can't exist, because if they did, we'd all just be sucked into an endless void. Are we already there?

I'm not crazy... this is just who I am.