Quentin Tarantino
Christian Kelly51 said:Thanks for the advice. 🙂
Whatever I've tried saying to reach her so far, it just doesn't fucking work.
The apartment is about a 15-20 minute walk from her place.
I told her I'd come by every day, that I'd cover all her utilities, and that I'd come over once a week to clean up and vacuum, etc. I said whenever she cooks lunch, she can call me over. I even mentioned I'll make family dinners so she and my brother can come to my place (he lives on his own too). I even told her I'd come over to sleep over a few times a week.
I'm staying firm. My new place is already paid for and there's no turning back. I move in 5 days. 🙂
Are you married to her? 🤔
Is there any activity, hobby, or perhaps even a project you could sink your teeth into instead of spending all that time with your mother?
You’re thirty years old. You have every right to go out, meet people, and live. Life moves fast; you don't want to wake up at sixty realizing you lived for your mother instead of yourself. Is being her caregiver truly your only purpose in life? Wake up.
She isn’t going to change. You have to be the one to change your life and set a firm boundary. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let her into a new apartment. Visits should happen only on your terms. If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile—showing up unannounced once you find a new partner and sabotaging your relationships. If you get used to those surprise visits, she'll eventually control your entire schedule, lingering around your building until she convinces you that she's the only one who truly understands you.
That isn't necessary.
Zeno, you have reached thirty.
Start living your own life. She’s an old woman now, just like any other grandmother you'd meet at a local farmers market. The bloom is long gone. She should stick to reading books, listening to the radio, or working on crosswords. Let her cry and complain while she knits; it's what people like that do.
Adopting a dog requires more than just affection; it demands a certain level of stamina. One must be prepared to rise at 6:00 AM for walks, head out for early morning laps at the local YMCA, or spend hours fishing by the lake. It isn't compatible with those who prefer a slower pace—like cycling through the suburbs, playing chess in the park, or meeting friends for a glass of bourbon and a round of poker. If your idea of a good time is a casual game of horseshoes, a high-energy pet might be an uphill battle.
Older folks tend to adopt certain hobbies that simply align with their stage of life.
It isn't your job to play psychiatrist for her.
You think it was easy for anyone else.
I told my wife to go see her doctor or a psychiatrist instead. She needs to discuss the insomnia, the physical pain, and those antidepressant side effects with a professional; I’ve reached my limit listening to it.
I felt utterly speechless, though I have no obligation to listen to it.
She lied about having heart issues and claimed she nearly fainted just to keep me around. It’s a manipulative tactic, and frankly, it’s something no parent should ever pull on their own child.
The only way to truly start living for yourself is to find a direction. If you lack one, look up bucket lists, local free events, sports leagues, or volunteer organizations.
I have finally begun filling my calendar with meaningful pursuits. Simply walking away from the physical space isn't enough; one must actually commit to self-improvement and intentional change.
You are an adult now, yet still navigating that early stage of life where you need to find your footing. Remember how kids finish their homework and immediately go out to play? Life works the same way. If you focus solely on your job without cultivating a hobby or a sense of self, you'll end up stuck. You cannot live just to satisfy someone else; if you don't prioritize your own interests, you're simply setting yourself up to be someone else's servant. It is essential to satisfy yourself first.
What long-term benefit does this level of devotion to your mother actually provide? She isn't a static object; she is capable of standing on her own, and eventually, she will have to. You need to let go. You owe it to your own future to prioritize your well-being and find a partner. If you carry this pattern into parenthood, you'll end up neglecting your own needs and teaching your children to view you solely through the lens of being a caregiver. That leads to a cycle of dependency where your children remain tethered to you indefinitely. You assisted your mother, certainly, but a parent is not a peer. You cannot substitute friendship for the role of a mother.
She once told me that no one would ever be a better friend than a mother. I just laughed right in her face. She spent years ignoring me, yet the moment she needs to vent, I’m expected to sit there and listen. If she wants to seek psychiatric help, that's her business—I have a life to live.
Everything feels urgent right now, but try reading back through what people have told you a month from now, or even six months from now.
Your only obligation is to yourself. Set a boundary; she isn't nearly as helpless as she pretends to be.
One more thing. If she actually wanted to help herself instead of just complaining, she would seek professional support and leave her problems at a therapist's office, allowing you to live your own life. It's like being caught in a sinking boat; if the person next to you is drowning, would you pull them down with you, or would you swim for the shore? If she’s struggling with depression—which is common for most seniors her age—you need to save yourself first.
Check out this thread as well:
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