Posts by Melissa Rogers4

Yeah, I could probably keep repeating myself until I lose my mind... 😁

fadedcobra7 said:Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

He just dodges any questions or arguments that don't suit him. He acts like those parts of the conversation didn't even happen and just keeps repeating himself. Honestly, you can only shrug your shoulders at that...

You didn't actually answer my question. It doesn't matter what the friend who disagreed with the mono-friendship thinks; it's about the one who agreed to it. Once she gave her word, she can't just go back on the deal and act behind someone's back. Is that okay?...

People end up getting hurt because there was an established set of rules. Once you agree to those terms, you have to stick to them, otherwise, you're just being dishonest. Think of it like a job interview at a place like Google—if you agree on the salary and benefits, and then the employer suddenly changes everything without telling you or reaching a new agreement, they've broken their word. They might try to claim you're just being petty or difficult, but that’s just a distraction from the real issue: breaking the agreement...

Are you saying it’s impossible for a man and a woman to be non-jealous and still want a relationship where they don't share their intimacy with anyone else? Answer that first, then we can move on...

feralranger said:I follow your logic, certainly, yet one could argue that those who exhibit jealousy within the sphere of *philia* would express similar sentiments. In that context, even a third friend—one who might socialize with your chosen "best friend"—would be deemed undesirable.

If I may paraphrase the biblical sentiment (I am your God, jealous, have no other gods besides me)) to apply to your romantic life, you are essentially demanding this position:

"I am your partner, jealous; have no other men besides me."

One might suggest that insisting upon exclusivity is, in fact, an implicit expression of jealousy regarding the possibility of spreading one's affection to others.

If love is truly devoid of jealousy, then it ceases to be exclusive. Such a (truly non-jealous) affection is, for most people, merely a friendship or *philia*, as opposed to the erotic kind, which inherently is not.

Understood, but if the individual you are involved with is (truly not) jealous, and instead tells you: "It is wonderful that you shared that human experience with someone else as well," then presumably, one would find no reason to feel soiled or repulsive.

No. A person can be with whoever they want and end things whenever they feel like it. You just have to be honest instead of hiding stuff. Hiding things is the actual issue, not the jealousy itself...

feralranger said:If jealousy isn't even part of the equation, then why on earth would you insist on exclusivity? In the realm of *philia*—that deep, platonic affection—one likely doesn't feel much jealousy, which means there is no real reason to demand exclusivity or a monopoly on friendship, right? Of course, there are those rare individuals who actually *do* experience jealousy in that sphere, and for them, a perceived "betrayal" might occur simply because their best friend starts hanging out with someone else. (Though, I should note that those who harbor jealousy within *philia*, rather than just in romantic love, are quite a small minority indeed).

Because I want a relationship with one woman, not a rotation. Once I’m in, I want to give my all to her without worrying about someone else taking up that same energy. I’m looking for a partner who wants what I want—to be everything to each other, rather than just filling half the gaps because the other half is being handled elsewhere. I wouldn't even start something if she asked if I'd mind her seeing other people under the logic that love can be shared. While I appreciate generosity, I'm looking for someone who saves that devotion just for me... and nobody else. Just a monogamous connection. I want to be hers, and I want her to be mine. Wanting to keep things between us isn't about being jealous; it's about protecting something that belongs solely to us. A third person just complicates that bond...

Sisyphus, you set things up as an exclusive relationship where it’s just the two of you. You can be jealous or not, but you don't want a third person involved. Then, when your partner ignores that boundary, you try to claim it doesn't matter because if you aren't feeling jealous, there's no issue. But it does matter, because it's about a lack of respect. Another thing is that the relationship started out open and everyone was on board. Once it stops being open, then it becomes an issue—not necessarily because of jealousy, but because someone is hiding the fact that they actually want to be with someone else...

Here’s why:
1. letting feelings shift without saying a word, just keeping them buried
2. hanging out with people in ways you know would hurt your partner
3. pretending everything is fine and that you're still a team when you aren't

How many more reasons do you need...

You were replying to that post about how cheating just feels plain dirty. The idea is that beyond just jealousy, there are other reasons why being unfaithful is such a turn-off. It's kind of like when food just tastes bad...

Why would anyone be grossed out by eating something if they don't have stomach issues? Just because they don't like the food. Sure, they could eat it without any digestive trouble, but if it tastes bad, they aren't going to force it down. They're healthy, so it's not like anything's going to happen. Come on, Sisyphus...

feralranger said:It seems to me that the issue here is quite transparent: you aren't actually polyamorous, you’re simply jealous—which, let’s be honest, puts you in the majority of people who find the idea of sharing their affection with anyone else quite intolerable.

Conversely, when it comes to the realm of platonic friendship, I would argue that most people aren't driven by jealousy, but rather possess a naturally polyamorous capacity for connection.

If one were truly a member of a genuinely non-jealous, polyamorous species, then it would follow logically that sharing love wouldn't feel repulsive at all; instead, one would find genuine happiness in seeing that love expand and multiply.

Look, I just want one woman. Just her, and only her. I don't want anyone else because she’s the one who stands out from the crowd to me. If she feels the exact same way about me, then we’ll be together, just the two of us. We should be loving each other, not hurting each other. If someone’s feelings change, they should be honest with their partner out of respect. You shouldn't stay silent and go behind the back of someone you were just soulfully connected to...

If she needed someone else and was fulfilling that need on the side, the breakup wouldn't be about jealousy; it would be because my attention is focused entirely on her, while hers is scattered. It becomes an unbalanced relationship. You know? The initial terms and the harmony we built up get ruined. So, I'm not jealous that she went to someone else; I'm just sad that our relationship isn't the same anymore after she left...

By keeping secrets, we lose the core parts of love: trust, respect, stability, intimacy, and everything else. How can a relationship like that even work? The other thing is that she should have just spoken up. She should have trusted me enough to say her feelings had changed, or that she had changed, so we could figure it out. Maybe we would have worked something out, maybe a different kind of arrangement. But at least there wouldn't be any lying, and we could have kept our friendship and human connection, even if the romance couldn't stay the same...

- Sisyphus - said:True, but an agreement like that doesn't really matter if there isn't any jealousy involved

The whole idea of sharing a partner just doesn't sit right with me, even though I'm not really the jealous type. I want to have something that's just ours. It’s not about being possessive, it’s more that the sense of exclusivity kind of fades away in a (semi)open relationship. If we both view our connection the same way, then you shouldn't be doing things behind your partner's back. It's about trust, Sisyphus. Not jealousy...

feralranger said:If there truly—and I mean genuinely, not just as some empty, flowery platitude—isn't any jealousy or possessiveness involved, much like how it rarely exists in platonic friendships, then such an occurrence would be nothing more than a minor detail, or perhaps even a cause for celebration because love is being spread further rather than sparking conflict or war. However, the reality is that most people are inherently jealous; they suffer through those wretched feelings when their partner finds pleasure with anyone other than themselves, the one and only center of their universe.

Jealousy isn't really the point. It's about the agreement. You break the deal, Sisyphus, that's where the problem lies.
I can be pretty chill and let a lot slide, but if we made an agreement about how our relationship works, then we stick to it. My partner shouldn't try to use my "I'm not even jealous" attitude as an excuse to bypass what we actually decided together. The pact matters more than the emotion...

Richard Brown7 said:There isn't one.
That scenario where everyone is happy, holding hands, wishing each other well, and giving out sweet kisses—that only happens in some utopia where everyone spent years working on themselves, became perfectly balanced, and gained total self-confidence.

And then, suddenly, everyone sees through the act, the whole thing crashes, and it's over.

It doesn't work like that. In those messy triangles and quadrangles, people lie to each other first—with rare exceptions. That's why you can never stay on good terms after things blow up like that.

You don't need to be living in the middle of nowhere to "work on yourself," and you definitely don't need to be perfectly zen and confident to let someone you love go to someone else who might be better for them. You just let them go, feel miserable because you miss them endlessly, and eventually, you move on. You’re just a small speck under the stars, but you grow through doing the right thing. In love, there's really only one right way: letting go of whatever doesn't want to stay. Wishing them peace and happiness. Compatibility is a different story, though. That's where those selfish rules about looking out for your own ego take over...

Melissa Rivera said:At the end of the day, you get what you deserve. It’s just karma catching up...

Look, if I’m not happy, then nobody else gets to be...

😁

That’s really why people connect, just to find happiness in one another 😉

quietbadger11 said:She claims to "love" her husband, but it sounds like she's just bored with him.
What a mess.

Boredom, or maybe he just isn't enough for her anymore. There are plenty of marriages out there where both people stay together mostly for practical reasons rather than actual passion. It’s almost like there’s this unspoken agreement that being strictly faithful isn't really the priority. In those kinds of setups, an affair doesn't feel like such a huge deal since nobody is really trying to hide much. You just assume they're fulfilling half their needs at home and looking elsewhere for the rest. I'm not saying I'm a fan, but I do see a distinction between that and actual betrayal...

quietbadger11 said:I wouldn't blow up at him because, at the end of the day, she's the one who chose to cheat on me and go home with him.
To me, a woman who would betray her partner with a close friend is really just bottom-of-the-barrel.

I’m never going to mention to a colleague that his wife is making moves on me, simply because I don't want to cause chaos in their marriage.
Those people have two kids, and causing a rift like that would only end up hurting them and the children.
She asked me to keep it quiet, so I'm going to respect that request.

Cheating isn't about having sex with someone else; it's the lying to your husband that does it. Honestly, just get a divorce if you want to be with someone else. I can't stand people like that. Such opportunists...

Sarah Miller4 said:Being too lenient is just as problematic as being too strict... I can't exactly be his peer if I'm playing the role of a father. But kids are essentially mirrors; they soak up everything from their parents, both the virtues and the vices. They’re our clones, shaped by genetics, the neighborhood, and school... You don't need an endless amount of free time, nor should you drown them in obligations. It's about finding that middle ground. And open communication is key—nothing should be off-limits. Honestly, kids often know more than we adults give them credit for; they catch you off guard. They are little people with distinct personalities, just lacking life experience... They deserve respect.

Unless the parents are a total mess, then the kid might reject everything about them. In those cases, instead of being a carbon copy, they turn out to be completely different people...

It’s actually pretty funny. It’s only been three minutes...

Since you already weighed in... I was just wondering how many minutes it would take 😁
...

coastalwalker9 said:She truly is one lucky woman🙂

He's lucky if he makes her happy... she's a true treasure👍