Self-sabotage or just bad luck?
in Psychology & Therapy ·
restlessdriver42 said:I appreciate the insights... I really need them. It seems most of you have landed on the same conclusion: this is essentially an issue of low self-esteem and similar baggage...
The first time I realized just how deeply insecure I was was with my very first crush. It hit me like a ton of bricks—it was something I couldn't even wrap my head around at the time. That’s when it truly became clear.
Later on, acting on a sort of subconscious instinct, I refused to put myself in situations with guys just for the sake of it. I stayed single, though I did let my guard down once or twice...
No one ever actually hurt me... because I carried this constant, quiet caution within me from the start, even if I wasn't conscious of it.
When I started dissecting this "problem," I went down a bit of a Freudian rabbit hole and concluded that my parents were the root cause. 😁
I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my father; their marriage was quite tense, to put it mildly. I suppose I was an exceptionally sensitive child, and their dynamic took a heavy toll on my nerves.
There was nothing abusive in a physical sense, but the atmosphere at home was definitely uncomfortable. My father dominated the household through what I now recognize as profound insecurity and a lack of confidence.
So, I deduced that this might be the source... who knows what my subconscious has manufactured.
However, simply being aware of the cause doesn't help me move forward. And no, I can't commit to regular sessions with a therapist.
One of you suggested a visualization exercise—imagining a perfect partner who is genuinely interested in me—and seeing how that feels. The reality is that fear is always present. The fear of abandonment. The moment someone gets to know me, I worry they will eventually leave and break my heart, as if I am inherently tied to this low self-worth.
And honestly, I've been aware of all this for a long time... years, actually...🤦
The only thing that offers any hope is the idea of hypnotherapy... my brain is as stubborn as a mule!
Why aren't there any psychologists on this thread? Haha, maybe some could offer a little pro bono advice! 🙂
You should look for a psychiatrist who does group therapy—it really helps to understand yourself and make changes by seeing what others are going through...🙂
As for that stuff about the "perfect guy," it's more of a test of how you perceive life and the opportunities coming your way... You're being offered chances, but you're turning them down because that lack of confidence is bleeding into every single part of your life. I went through something similar; had a rough childhood with really closed-off parents in a terrible marriage, but as you get older, you can reach a stable place... you just have to want it, and you need someone to point out why you act the way you do and give you the tools to handle it (like a therapist).
In my opinion, you've lost so many of your best years to sadness and disappointment when you could have truly lived...
I was lucky enough to realize this before I even hit twenty. I went through the ringer, then eventually met this incredible person—someone full of joy, positivity, and love, starting with herself and then sharing it with others—who taught me how to actually enjoy life..
You've got a tough road ahead and you've lost quite a bit of time, but please, don't be afraid to embrace life, love, and all those feelings. Give yourself a chance. You've survived so much bad stuff already, clearly, but missing out on the good stuff... that's the real tragedy...🙂
Good luck!