Posts by Donna White50

shadowheron49 said:Donna White50, you’ve seriously mastered the art of being a therapist or at least an expert forum counselor! 😁

Reading your posts honestly gives me such a rush of energy.
I’m fully aware of all this, and through my own deep dives, I've realized how much of a lifeline you are—because if I didn't have this, I probably would've ended it all a long time ago...
But...
Because of this irrational fear—which isn't actually irrational since death is staring everyone in the face—it all comes down to how you perceive time. To me, 50 years is absolutely nothing; if I had to wait 50 years for something, I wouldn't care one bit... so just try imagining what my perception of a single week, a month, or even a year feels like...
I don't mind working 12-hour shifts because time just vanishes for me...
While everyone else is wondering how I pull it off, I'm the one actively looking for those long days...
The thing is, I've truly come to terms with death. Everyone knows death exists, but very few people actually *grasp* it... and then there's the afterlife...
Not everyone has had that realization...
And that’s where my struggle begins...
Because of that... every little moment I could live to fill the void in my head... I just don't see the point...
To me, none of this makes sense... even if I were living the high life with milk and honey flowing... I still wouldn't see the purpose...
This heavy, chronic lack of ambition is just a direct result of everything I've realized...
What am I even fighting for?
Why bother?

Sometimes this hopelessness and the fear of dying collide into this weird contradiction where it feels like the thing I dread most is actually my only way out... death...

I'm alive, but I'm missing the "living" part...
It's like I died a long time ago...
My only real fear is the unknown... stepping into the dark... what happens next...
Because one thing is certain...
Every single one of you will eventually reach that moment where your eyes go blank... when you hear the people around you trying to help... you’d speak up if you weren't already gone... but you are...
What happens when you finally realize that? .
If you are truly dead...
What comes after that??

There are a thousand theories out there... from reincarnation to heaven and hell... whatever your imagination can dream up... about what happens once we pass...
Everything is written down somewhere...
But... who has actually died and come back to tell us? Nobody...
I just want to ask one thing...
What is the point of life?
By age five, most kids don't even remember anything.
Until eighteen, you're just stuck in school... you can't do anything, and 80% of them don't know the first thing about life during those years, which just fly by.
Then come the best years...
Up until thirty... they're gone in a flash...
Then we start getting old...
Getting ugly...
Between thirty and fifty, I honestly can't see what a person is even supposed to need...
You spend all those prime years grinding at work, just struggling to survive...
You live on a planet you haven't even really met... you should have traveled... made the most of your youth... but you never have the time.
And now that you hit retirement... you finally have the freedom to do it all because you have all this extra time... but you don't have your youth anymore...
You can do whatever the hell you want, but it doesn't matter...

And all of it just slips away, leaving nothing but memories...
Good memories?
I don't know... nostalgia has never felt good to me; it's always been pretty depressing.

And at the end of the day, I look at people in their 70s and beyond and wonder how some of them still have a smile on their faces...
What's the deal with that?
What are they even happy about?
All they're doing is waiting to die...
You want to go for a run... and you break a hip instead...
You're falling apart while you're still breathing...
And honestly, a huge chunk of life is just spent decaying and breaking down...
To me, life feels more like a sickness of the soul...
The soul gets sick and dies, or rather, it's born alongside the body...
I don't know if anyone understands what I'm feeling...

I'll take Donna White50's advice and go find something to keep me busy...
But... sooner or later....
It's all going to catch up to me...
I just hope that when that time comes, I won't be afraid...
That I'll be able to look at both death and life... as a gift...
Because right now, it just feels like an illness.

Sounds like you're dealing with some serious depression, huh? Usually, when people look at everything through this lens—feeling aimless, lacking drive, seeing zero joy or purpose in anything—that’s classic depression. A little bit of help from antidepressants, maybe three months down the road, and you'll actually find yourself smiling because the sun came out this morning. I've been there myself... went from being a total gloom-and-doom guy to who I am today, a positive person, because honestly, we all want to live. And once you finally fall in love? Man, it's endless...😁
Look, all those questions you asked... they make sense. What's the point of it all? We're getting older, our bodies are breaking down, what happens next? What if there's nothing after we die since nobody ever came back to tell us? They're all valid questions, and everyone asks them sooner or later... But you're forgetting the fact that you're feeling pretty depressed right now, so you aren't seeing the good stuff, even though there's just as much beauty as there is ugliness out there. Why choose death when you have the chance to experience life? Okay, you won't live forever, but you might get 70 or 80 years out of this, and that's a lot of time to experience things. You won't travel the whole world, but you'll see plenty of it, you'll fall in love, and you won't end up growing old alone... It gets way easier once you accept that you can't fight certain natural processes. You have to learn to accept life as it is—well, not life itself, but *yourself*. You gotta accept who you are first before you can try to change for the better. Life feels bad because you're looking at it through a bad lens; your glass is half empty, and that's really the heart of the matter. You need to shift that perception, because that's why you're stuck where you are. You're expecting the glass to be overflowing, but life gave you a half-full glass, so just take it. Don't stress over the things you can't change, focus on the stuff you can. With that mindset, it's no wonder you're dealing with so many fears—you might honestly need some meds. You've gotta try thinking positively, dammit, you've gotta get moving...🙂
I know plenty of people who, after losing someone close, just spiraled into depression and felt like life had no direction. That feeling of being a walking ghost is awful, especially when you have so much potential to actually achieve things. Fight for yourself... keep your head up...🙂

Man, I was terrified of death when I was a kid too. It makes sense, right? We’re always told death is this scary, painful, mysterious thing, so why wouldn't kids be spooked... I remember being maybe 6 or 7 and watching this true crime documentary—one of those forensic shows—about some murder victim who was dumped in a pit and wasn't found for years. That was the moment it finally clicked for me—that people actually die and all that's left are bones. As a little kid, that was just impossible to wrap my head around. It actually sent me down a rabbit hole looking into religion, the afterlife, and what life is even all about. The fear was pretty intense, honestly... lasted for a few years. Most of our deepest phobias really do stem from those early childhood years.

Nowadays, though, death doesn't scare me at all. I'm pretty happy with my life. If anything, I'm afraid of getting sick or losing my independence—I just couldn't handle being seriously ill and having to rely on someone else for everything. To me, that feels totally undignified.

shadowheron49 said:Donna White50, that is just so beautiful and comforting... though usually I’m the one playing the comforter, even if it's hard to pull off—like that time when everyone was convinced someone had passed away, but I was the only one who knew they were actually fine...
I honestly feel like sometimes I need to hear that exact kind of talk that I usually give to everyone else; I really think the best advice and empathy comes from someone who truly gets you, specifically someone who’s been through the exact same thing you are right now.

You totally hit the nail on the head regarding my soul...
I see life as being pretty rough because despite all the good stuff it throws your way (even with a little beauty sprinkled in), it mostly delivers bad experiences and hardship, and it all just ends in death anyway.
Even a perfect day soaking up the sun outside... even a dream come true... it won't erase the feeling, it just makes me more aware of how fleeting everything is...

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose body has changed into a shape I can't stand to look at in the mirror, simply because my mind is still stuck in that old dieting mindset...
I hate looking at bodies—or rather, corpses—so much that seeing myself in the mirror makes me uneasy, because looking at myself through a different lens, I just see... something that’s going to age and eventually end up underground.
Every single moment of youth feels precious to me, and I soak them all up along with my childhood memories, which I remember so vividly, because there's always this nagging realization deep down that none of this will last forever...
Maybe I love life too much, or maybe I just despise it too much...

A lot of people tell me my only real issue is that I overthink things I shouldn't be dwelling on... like, for instance... death... the meaning of life... the universe... God...
And honestly, I think they're right...
But how on earth am I supposed to shut my brain off...
and how do I convince my mind that there are some things just aren't worth thinking about...
because my brain, my very nature, just can't help but think...
It frustrates me so much that in moments when I'm scared... my brain works against me, fueling the panic even more by pulling up images and realizations that just ramp up the fear.
I find myself wanting to dive into the things that terrify me, reading and watching exactly what I dread, having this endless curiosity for those very things... almost as if I'm trying to fight the fear, but I'm actually just making it deeper...

Fear just breeds more fear...
My senses are incredibly sharp, almost like a cat's in the middle of the night...
I can sense every movement and every breath, and every single one scares me. I can practically notice a speck of dust moving, or the surge of electricity when a TV is turned on in the house... fear has such wide eyes... but sometimes I wonder if the fear causes the heightened senses, or if it's the other way around...
After the fear comes the anger... the aggression...
Because I'm just flooded with adrenaline triggered by that wild fight-or-flight response... once I hit the point where I've had enough fear and too much adrenaline, I turn aggressive and angry... I just want to fight whatever it is that's scaring me...
When I can't shake that adrenaline, after a while it just turns into anxiety and depression, then cycles back into fear, and it just goes round and round...

Unless my thoughts get occupied by something else... something grounded and tangible... like love, or work, or something that pulls me back into the HERE and NOW... that's when this phobia disappears...
But the second I slip into those deep analyses of life and everything beyond this current moment... that's when the phobic behavior kicks in...
And it's all usually triggered by some specific event, or sometimes I just take myself there, basically deciding to just say "screw it" to everything.

I totally get that train of thought you described above. It’s like these intrusive, looping thoughts take over and you can't escape them, which builds up this fear... and then the fear feeds itself because you're actually afraid of the fear itself. Eventually, it all just spirals into despair or turns into negative energy being thrown at everything. You end up feeling trapped inside your own head, and that hopelessness just keeps growing. It’s almost like you’ve built this little box around yourself that you can't break out of. But since you can't just flip a switch to turn off your brain or kill your emotions, that energy has to go somewhere... so it comes out as anxiety, despair, a dark view of the world, or even just self-sabotage. For you, maybe this kind of masochism has become a way to cope... if that makes sense. Maybe because you haven't been able to accept how fleeting life is, you've turned that desperation inward against yourself..

But hey, you actually found the answer yourself in that bolded part. You need to actually *live* life—just dive into it like everyone else does. Grab everything you want and love from it, work for yourself, and make life something beautiful to look at instead of treating it like a threat. Instead of drowning in those dark thoughts while waiting for the end, try to stay present. You're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you, but mentally, you're acting like a 90-year-old who's sick and terrified of what tomorrow brings. Don't do that to yourself. Honestly, anyone would lose their mind if they looked at life that negatively... that's why most of us just roll up our sleeves and get to work, enjoy things, celebrate, love, and try to live life to the fullest—just to give this "crappy" existence some actual meaning. Fear of death is primal; every single cell in our bodies fights to survive because of it. Life is a necessity, so try to keep yourself busy with work and spend less time alone with those racing thoughts. Just remember, it's an irrational fear. You can't fight your thoughts head-on—you can't win that fight—but you *can* redirect them. If you focus on other things, you can eventually figure out where they come from and how to soften the blow. Over time, with a shift in how you see yourself, they’ll start to fade away. Right now, the exit feels impossible, but if you do the work, things really do get better fast...

Fear of death is this super deep, subconscious thing that we all carry inside us. Whether we realize it or not, the dread of just... ceasing to exist... drives so many of our choices. We obsess over our health, try to live as long as possible, and have kids as a way to pass on our genes—basically leaving a little piece of ourselves behind. In life, because we know everything ends, we push ourselves to reach our full potential and try to leave a legacy. It’s like how ancient Egyptian pharaohs built those massive pyramids to last forever... we're all just trying to make sure something of us stays after we're gone.

When it comes to kids, watching someone die can be incredibly traumatic. Kids tend to put themselves at the center of everything, so the idea of life ending—of losing a parent or a best friend—can trigger this massive wave of insecurity and hit their ego really hard. If death isn't framed as a natural part of things, parents sometimes tell them things like "Grandma is just an angel in heaven now," which might sound sweet, but that basic fear of death can end up totally overshadowing a child's daily life.

It sounds like you've been carrying this fear since you were little. Because of that, you started seeing life through a pretty dark lens—like it's something fleeting, unstable, or some kind of looming disaster just waiting around the corner to take its toll. Living in that kind of IRRATIONAL fear can lead to anxiety disorders (basically being afraid of the fear itself), where you try to cope by avoiding things. Over time, you might have even developed some mild OCD tendencies, where those fears about death trigger repetitive thoughts or compulsive behaviors. I see that avoidance in the way you pull away from life... you aren't embracing life as something good, but more like a sentence you have to serve. You hate how your body ages, and every single heartbeat feels like a ticking clock, fueling that anxiety. Even thinking about someone you love is wrapped in fear because you're always aware you'll eventually lose them...

Look, what you're going through is heavy. But you really need to realize that these are irrational fears that are running your life. Most of them aren't even real—anything from being scared of objects a loved one used to own to fearing the dark or enclosed spaces. Beyond that, you've got to find the beauty in living. Deep down, you have to start viewing life as something positive, because honestly, it is. Out of countless possible combinations, *you* happened—you're unique and incredible just as you are. You have this one shot to experience life, to love, to grow, and to lift others up. Every morning when you wake up, you're gifted this time to live exactly how you want. When you listen to your partner's heartbeat, try to remember it's beating for you—it's a gift to be able to love and be loved like that. Try to see life as a gift. Life is constant change from the second we're born, and even after death, life doesn't actually stop—it just changes shape. Death is just this illusion of a total stop, but that's not how it works... it's just a continuous transformation from one state to another.
What's actually scaring you isn't death itself, it's the loss of the ego. Your ego is fighting tooth and nail to survive. It's like that little kid deep inside you who's crying and screaming because they feel like they have no control over their existence, terrified of being rejected or wiped out. That inner child needs to learn that death isn't a bad thing; it's just a transition. Life is beautiful. Just look around at the richness of the world surrounding you... it's everywhere. Isn't it gorgeous? Your life is just as beautiful.🙂
You need to figure out what your triggers are—what sets off that anxious behavior—and recognize that the root is usually the fear of loss. You've got to talk yourself through it and realize that what you're afraid of isn't actually "real"—it's an illusion. You need to accept death as a natural, normal part of the cycle (it sounds like you've drifted a bit from that natural rhythm) and start seeing life as the opportunity and joy that it truly is.
Honestly, you should really look into talking to a psychiatrist. Getting some meds to help dial down those anxieties might be just what you need to actually start doing the inner work... I mean, all phobias can be treated, and they definitely should be when they start messing with your quality of life. Life is way too beautiful to let irrational fears hold you back from enjoying it...🙂

ruggedowl0 said:Donna White50, thanks for sharing this. 🙂

I’d add that those bouts of feeling crappy never really last that long—they just hit you, and then they pass. Because of that, I don't think I need a psychiatrist, though maybe a therapist could help a bit.

That point about forcing things is spot on. While pushing through works for some stuff, like grinding at college, it can actually backfire in other areas, like dating. So, we'll see. I used to think staying constantly busy was the way to go, that being tied down to obligations made life better or more meaningful. Now, I'm going to try to carve out some actual free time and focus on things I actually enjoy doing. And, honestly, probably stop people-pleasing quite so much. I suspect that constant sense of responsibility and all those "what if" anxieties come from that.

Thanks again. 🙂

Even if these waves of anxiety or mild depression feel short-lived, it doesn't mean things won't get worse if you aren't working on yourself. Those feelings are basically telling you there's a conflict within. Anxiety is like a red flag—it means something in your life is off, and you're essentially working against your own best interests. Maybe it's unrealistic expectations, or maybe you're haunted by the past or old patterns you picked up from your family—like always putting others first while neglecting yourself, or having low self-esteem and all that...

It's definitely good to have goals and things to stay busy with, but it's not healthy if you're forcing it and fighting against your own nature. You can ask "what if" about anything the second you wake up, but you don't ask it about most things—like, "what if I don't brush my teeth?" or "what if I'm late for work?" You just take those things for granted and get them done. Why? Because you're living in the moment. When you're brushing your teeth, you're just brushing your teeth... you aren't drowning in "what ifs." That constant worrying is usually tied to a lack of confidence, trouble making decisions, a pessimistic outlook, or just feeling like you're not enough, which leads to fear of failure and worst-case scenarios. You've succeeded at most things in life, and yeah, you haven't in others—that's just how it goes. Just give it your best and try to approach life with the same level of chill you have when you're brushing your teeth... Use your downtime to recharge and reflect on your choices. Think about what you want to change, what makes you happy, or even what scares you and why... Maybe try meditating or finding an activity to help shake off the stress...🙂

ruggedowl0 said:Hey everyone. I’ll try to keep this brief and get straight to the point regarding what's been bothering me. Hopefully, someone here can offer a bit of wisdom or at least some direction.

So, here’s the deal... Lately, I’ve been hitting these waves of feeling totally helpless, lonely, and just generally miserable. Being a 20-year-old college student, I figured this was just part of the territory—especially given how much pressure there is on individuals to perform in today's society. It seemed like a logical consequence of being young and uncertain.

But I just can't wrap my head around why I feel this way. By any objective standard, I'm doing fine. I'm killing it at school—honestly, it’s barely even stressful. I’ve managed to become financially independent, too, so I'm holding my own there. The real issue is my social life. I have plenty of friends, but I wouldn't say I'm particularly close to any of them. And while I've been seeing different women lately, I haven't been able to build anything meaningful or sustain a real relationship. I should also mention that I’m actually quite introverted and shy, even if people don't see me that way. Even the women I've been intimate with have mentioned that I seem to have some kind of mental block. I don't get it; nothing traumatic has happened recently, and my family life is perfectly normal. On paper, I'm living a pretty good life.

I just can't figure out where these moods are coming from, especially since they're becoming more frequent and intense. I wouldn't call it clinical depression, but it's this incredibly dull, heavy sensation. This feeling that I'm running out of time, or that I won't succeed, and everything is just sliding downhill. It’s starting to mess with my ability to connect with people normally. As a student, who can I actually talk to about this, and where do I even go?
I really want to understand myself better because my reactions don't seem to make sense. I've always been interested in psychology, and I just want to find out what the catch is.

Sorry for the wall of text; I'm typing this on my phone, so it might be a bit rambling or disorganized. You'll probably figure it out. 😁

Sounds like you're dealing with some anxiety—being preoccupied with fears about the future, fear of failure, or even the fear of intimacy. Maybe it's even just the general weight of the world right now. Either way, that fear is blocking you, taking up all your headspace until you feel lost, numb, a bit depressed, or just stuck... you might even be feeling it physically—like chest tightness, tension, headaches, heart palpitations, or that weird knot in your stomach when anxiety hits...

There could be a dozen different causes, ranging from how you were raised to just closing yourself off like a shell. Growing up means having to step out, meet girls, handle intimacy, and navigate relationships... it all creates a massive amount of pressure, especially if you tend to be hard on yourself or lean toward pessimism (thinking things won't work out, worrying about your age, feeling like no one wants you, thinking life is bleak, or just looking at the state of the country...).
Try to relax a bit and put yourself out there more. If someone catches your interest, give it a shot and let yourself experience something good. Accept that you actually have a solid life. Try meditating, or reflect on whether your parents had unrealistic expectations of you, or if you're just a bit too much of a perfectionist. Think about whether you're actually voicing your needs and feelings, and look at your overall self-confidence. Work on yourself. If this keeps happening, it might be worth talking to a therapist.
You might also want to check out some videos on life psychology—I find this creator pretty interesting:

It’s honestly pretty primal and straightforward... just let it out the second it hits you. Don't overthink it, don't hesitate—just spit it out before it gets stuck in your throat or lingers on the tip of your tongue. Just vent... remember that little rush of pride you get when you finally say what's bothering you, or when you just say "no" or "enough" and shut something down. It feels amazing, right? Don't sweat the fallout in the moment; once it's out there, then you can deal with the consequences and figure out your next move. I really think that split second where you just let it fly is everything... once it's out, you'll stick to your guns as long as you can. It’s just human nature—we don't like undermining ourselves or apologizing for setting boundaries, because you know people need to respect your choices... if you aren't feeling it, you draw the line, and most people will respect that. Sure, some folks will keep pushing you because they don't recognize your limits, or maybe they just love being difficult... but that's on them.

Trust me, it's simple—you just have to make the call to be brave... there's nothing wrong with just being who you are. Other people are going to be who they are, too, so you might as well just accept them for that. Usually, you end up judging yourself before you even give anyone else a chance to hear you out, mostly because criticism stings so much... You won't say something stupid because that's just not your style—you overanalyze your own actions way too much, which is why you tend to pull back. But look, you aren't going to find true confidence until you actually learn how to speak up and present yourself to the world...😉

Larry Lewis said:Honestly, you have to push the weak until they toughen up—I’d even go so far as to say if they don't harden up, maybe
we should just lock them away in some sort of facility and keep applying the pressure until
they finally get tough.

Basically, Jesus Christ ought to have been crucified because he preached love and tolerance, which—let's face it—was just foolishness on his part...
total madness...

You are absolutely spot on. 👎

Yeah... if you don't actually use your head and learn from the bad times to see where you messed up, there's zero chance you'll ever grow as a person... We protect kids because they can't look out for themselves, but adults really ought to be responsible enough to weigh their own actions and how they affect others. If they can't handle that and just break down mentally, then that's when you bring in a doctor or a psychiatrist to teach you how to navigate life like an actual adult.

Bringing up Jesus is pretty pointless, too, because let's face it—not even your own parents are gonna coddle you forever. They'll help you out until you hit adulthood, but after you're on your own, you're fighting your own battles... whether it's against a boss, friends, or even your wife and kids, you have to fight to make the best of things. Life is tough, and honestly, nobody really cares about your struggles... The sooner you realize that, the better. It doesn't mean you go around hurting people, but you definitely have to elbow your way through a bit just to find your place... if you can't do that, don't expect anyone to clear a path for you...🙂
They crucified Jesus, and trust me, they’d do it all over again... so just take the lesson...😉

neonsurfer2 said:Thanks to everyone who jumped into my thread.

Looking back, I probably botched the title. It’s not just about forgiveness—I don't want the whole conversation to get stuck on that one word. There’s way more going on here. Primarily, I’m trying to overhaul how I act because my old defense mechanisms are either falling apart or morphing into something new, which honestly just makes everything feel more exhausting.
Even the word "forgiveness" makes me cringe. And don't get me started on all that trendy self-help fluff. It does absolutely nothing for me. I’ve read enough of those catchy titles to be completely over it.
Donna White50 pretty much nailed my situation. I’ve realized there’s still this little girl inside me who refuses to grow up (and frankly, I have no clue what it would actually take to fix that), and she’s still stubbornly trying to punish my father for everything he messed up. Because if I turn my life around and get everything together, then he gets to be smug about it. He’ll pat himself on the back for being such a "great" dad, while all my pain just gets swept under the rug like it never happened. The truth is, my needs, my desires, and my feelings were never really on the table. I was invisible. I had to bend to fit their world and suppress everything that made me *me*. Yeah, I always felt unprotected. That’s what I missed most—that sense of security, knowing someone actually has your back. Someone you can rely on instead of needing to run from. I’m terrified of rejection in relationships, and I didn't even realize how deep that went. How am I supposed to believe someone can love, respect, or value me if my own parents wouldn't? How can I be anyone's "special someone" when I was basically cast aside by my own family?

I don't want to talk about myself to him... I refuse to look "weak" in front of him. I don't want him to "win"... (as if this is some kind of competition??) even though logically, I never stood a chance in that fight since I was just a kid and couldn't stand up to him. My therapist told me he didn't even win—he lost. He lost my respect, which is the reality.

As for therapy, I only made it through four sessions before I decided I was done.
Part of it was the doctor. Back then, I was dealing with such intense mental fog that I could barely string a coherent sentence together. When I answered her questions, there was this massive lag; it was like I had to go digging through my brain just to find the words because they were hiding from me. And instead of understanding that, she basically implied I was making things up. Excuse me? There were other things about her approach I didn't care for, too. I mean, she helped a little, I guess, but for what I pay, the sessions were way too short and way too expensive.

Brenda Taylor13—you asked if I tell him when something bothers me. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Honestly, I feel like I have to repeat myself for the rest of my life because nothing ever sticks, and I'm just too exhausted to keep
“correcting” him. Like, when he says something totally tasteless to someone, I’ll say, "My God, how could you say that?" and he just shrugs and goes, "I was joking!" And then what am I supposed to say to that?
I resent that I have to listen to him drone on about his love life, though I finally figured out why I hate it. He’s still acting like a child himself. He’s constantly hunting for attention and validation from others (which, I guess, is exactly what I do, too?). He hasn't actually grown up; he doesn't act like a "parent" at all!! When is he actually going to start? I already know the answer.
And I throw his past mistakes in his face, but it doesn't make me feel any better; it just brings all my anger to the surface. I don't want to end up just like him—consturing and throwing accusations at people.

A few years ago, we used to know each other well enough to get into these massive, screaming matches, but it drains me so much that I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

Olivia Smith75—Yeah, I know exactly what he's like. But I can't say he's all bad; he has done good things.
He would help me out with anything material, I'm sure of that. I know he does the best he can and that he loves me in his own way and all that... but I think I'm still scared of him. That flash of rage and the craziness that takes over him... that's still living inside me.

Look, four sessions with a therapist is basically nothing. You haven't even scratched the surface yet, and honestly, it's hard to make real progress without serious group therapy—you know, being around people who actually get it? Where you see others dealing with similar stuff and it gives you the courage to finally open up, dive deep into yourself, and actually take steps toward healing... working through your thought patterns, the root causes of your anxiety, and how you relate to your dad... that's what real psychotherapy is about. But hey, if money is tight, you can't expect to feel better because mental health isn't cheap.
From what I'm reading in your posts, you see your dad for exactly who he is, but you aren't quite ready to grow up and take ownership of your own life as an adult. You're still so tied to him, even though you know deep down how he really is and how much it messes with you. You know you'll never be able to change him, and you know you've lost respect for him, but those complexes and all that pain you're carrying won't let you detach. Subconsciously, you want to punish him for everything he put you through. You don't want to move on; you want him to hug you and say, "Hey, neonsurfer2, I messed up, I'm sorry," and just make you feel loved. It's such a heavy burden to carry, and honestly, it's a huge illusion—it's never going to happen. You have to grow up and tell yourself, "I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm a grown woman ready to walk my own path." You need to find love within yourself, learn to love the people around you, and eventually forgive your dad for the bad times. He is who he is, he gave you what he could, and you have to let it go. Deep down, you don't feel like an adult yet, so instead of taking responsibility, you're looking for external validation for your pain—looking for someone to blame. Try to spot your emotional triggers and realize that the fear you feel toward your partner is actually just that core fear of rejection you felt from your parents since you were a kid, feeling like you were never enough. Your partner isn't your mom or dad. Give both him and yourself a chance to love, and yes, even a chance to get hurt, because life is worth it. Start journaling your feelings; try to connect those negative emotions back to your childhood. When you feel that fear of commitment, recognize it's just the fear of being rejected again. When you're afraid to say "no," realize it's just the fear of being judged by your parents. Most importantly, try to figure out who *you* actually are. What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in a few years? What makes you happy today? What gives your life meaning? Try to strip away everything that clouds that vision. If something is stopping you from chasing your dreams, realize it's the same mechanism your parents used to control you your whole life... making you feel like you don't have a right to your own life, your own choices, or your own feelings, and forcing you to just meet everyone else's demands—parents, teachers, bosses, boyfriends, friends... the whole thing.🙂

Sandra Mitchell69 said:Is it actually normal to feel like you have zero goals in life and just find everything incredibly tedious? Right now, I’m heading to my college classes from 8:00 to 11:00 AM, and then I’m left with three or four days a week where I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. It’s exhausting; I constantly wish nothing would happen at all because I rarely feel any sense of excitement. It’s not that college is particularly thrilling, but I show up because that’s just the standard trajectory—elementary school, high school, college—and I’m just following the script. Nothing really brings me joy, except for this one guy, though there's no chance of anything happening with him. I’ve tried various activities, like dance classes and different workshops, but none of it stuck. How am I supposed to find someone who can actually step into my life and give it some semblance of meaning? My only real lifeline is this one friend from high school; she’s the only person who truly understands me, and if she weren't around, I think I’d lose it. Most people are just uninspiring. I need to find something that will fundamentally change my life. In the past, I used to see a different guy every single day just to fill the time, but even that didn't bring me happiness. I have friends and a few girlfriends, and we hang out enough to pass the time, but it doesn't actually fulfill me. I don't know why. Like I said, this one friend from high school is my best friend; she's the only one who makes me happy. We talk every day, and she feels exactly the same way I do—totally aimless and unfulfilled. Our connection comes from talking, joking around, calling guys, and plotting things together. All those typical hobbies that supposedly make people happy, like reading or dancing? None of that works for me. I need something more intense. And then there's that guy I mentioned before—my ex. He’s the only thing that makes me feel alive. Being with him, especially when we're being intimate, is the only time I actually experience moments of genuine happiness. My friend and I are just built this way; these guys are our entire purpose. She has a boyfriend now, but if she were in my shoes without him, she’d be feeling exactly like I am. He is my entire world; those moments we spend together are my only source of joy. When he isn't around, I don't know how to function, so my friend compensates for that void. I love her more than anyone in the world. I don't know, maybe I am crazy, but nothing else interests me. Even college feels completely pointless.

Maybe you're just too hyper-focused on one specific guy to actually see all the opportunities life is throwing your way... and trust me, there are plenty.
If you're feeling stuck, maybe try volunteering somewhere—anywhere, really. You’ll meet new people and actually feel like you're doing something good for yourself and others... though I get it, that’s probably not your vibe since you aren't really the "giving" type. It feels like you expect everyone else to revolve around you... that's just how you seem to view everything—life, your friends, even guys. Like they're just there to entertain you and provide the purpose you're missing...😁
But here's the thing—nobody can hand you a sense of purpose on a silver platter. You have to find it yourself. Dig deep, figure out what actually lights you up, write down what you'd want to do with your life, and set some goals for yourself while actually having fun with it... because just sitting around waiting for things to happen? That's a recipe for disaster... and seriously, try to look beyond just yourself for once and see if you can find some joy in helping someone else...😁

Brenda Taylor13 said:Look, why don't you just sit him down and have a real talk about all this? Or, you know, at least tell him that it’s totally uncomfortable for you when he starts bragging about his romantic conquests and sexual exploits right in front of you. From what I can gather from your posts—and I might be totally off base here, so correct me if I'm wrong—you're clearly holding a grudge over this, but you've never actually called him out on it. Have you?

Nah, she can't just "say it" easily because:
- he's the authority figure who basically ignores her feelings and what she actually wants
- she's constantly put in a spot where she's dependent on him—like he handles all the "manly" stuff while she feels left vulnerable
- she's terrified of how he’ll judge her if she actually speaks up
- she ends up acting like a little kid who just has to listen to whatever her dad says without pushing back
- she's developed this avoidant vibe... it's easier to just run away than look someone in the eye and say how she really feels
- since her self-esteem took such a hit, she hasn't really found herself yet—deep down, she doesn't feel like an adult, just a kid still craving parental approval

If you haven't been stuck in a situation like that, it's honestly hard to wrap your head around how much fear a grown adult can carry regarding their parents... and how incredibly tough it is to finally find your voice and let out all that built-up anger and frustration...

neonsurfer2 said:I need some advice here. This has been dragging on for years now and I honestly have no clue how to deal with it anymore.
So, I’m in my mid-thirties now. Unmarried, no kids—which, honestly, wasn't exactly how I pictured my life playing out at this age. But hey... here we are.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with some heavy stuff—specifically my feelings toward my dad. For the last seven or eight years, it’s been a total rollercoaster. Sometimes, honestly? I just want to strangle him. There are moments where I genuinely can't stand being near him. I find myself constantly backing away, physically distancing myself because I can't handle being stuck in a closed room with him. And don't even get me started on when we're out in public. I feel this wave of secondhand embarrassment whenever he starts cracking those cheap, lowbrow jokes. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, mostly because we see each other less often now that the big family gatherings have died down, but still. The absolute worst part, though? When he starts dumping all his drama on me. He’ll go on about his latest flings or his messy love life like I’m supposed to be his little therapist or one of his buddies at a bar. He’s even crossed the line into talking about sex with people he's seeing. God, it's just... ugh. Truly awful.
He’s always been a total flirt, honestly. I didn't really catch on when I was a kid, obviously—but looking back now with "adult" eyes? Yeah, it was pretty obvious.

His twisted mindset left a massive mark on me. Back when I was a teenager, I was constantly hunting for affection outside the house—just looking for some scrap of tenderness I wasn't getting at home. I’d go out, find someone, and spend a night or two with them, but that was it. Long-term relationships? Forget it. They felt like they were suffocating me. I ran from emotional intimacy like it was a wildfire; I just didn't want anyone to actually *know* me. He and my mother were always on my back, constant physical discipline and endless criticism. It was never enough. I could never win. If I messed up, I got screamed at; if I actually did something right, I got met with dead silence. I cried so much as a kid, but there’s even more grief trapped inside me now because back then, I wasn't even allowed to cry. Not even laugh or be happy. I was such a terrified child, and eventually, I just started using booze and men as my only way to vent.

Eventually, I moved out and landed a job. Things were actually going okay for a bit—I finally had my own space, which was a necessity because living at home had become absolutely unbearable. That phase lasted a couple of years. Then, I hit a massive heartbreak. It completely wrecked me. After that one short relationship ended, I just... stopped functioning. I gave up on everything. I lost myself. Between the career setbacks and the romantic disasters, my brain just shut down to protect itself. The years that followed were brutal. I’d spend entire days just crying for no reason. I retreated into my own little bubble, barely dragging myself to work, pulling away from everyone. I felt worthless. Without a partner, without a family, without anything... I couldn't even keep up the act anymore. I couldn't pretend to be okay.

I finally went to see a psychiatrist after realizing I couldn't keep dragging myself through this for much longer. Honestly? It didn't exactly work wonders, but the antidepressants did pull me out of that total stupor. At least the crying spells stopped, and I’m starting to feel somewhat like a human being again. The official diagnosis was just depression, but if you ask me, I’d definitely add depersonalization, derealization, anxiety, and panic attacks to that list.

I’m off the antidepressants for now. Sometimes I’ll pop a Xanax if things get too heavy, but honestly? I feel like I'm constantly teetering on the edge. It feels like one tiny trigger—just one wrong word from my dad—could send me spiraling right back down. I’m actually terrified of what I might do if that happens, which is exactly why I’ve been avoiding him altogether. But how long can I keep living like this?

On the flip side, he’s really all I’ve got left. My mom passed away, so he’s there when I need a ride somewhere—though honestly, I try to avoid asking him for that lately. He’s also handy with the heavy lifting and those "manly" chores around the house. But that’s pretty much the extent of our relationship. If I didn't need his help with physical stuff, I probably wouldn't even talk to him that much. It feels hypocritical, I guess. And if I stop calling him because I don't need anything, he starts acting all "worried" and begins pestering me. I basically just maintain this fragile peace solely so he stays out of my hair and I don't have to deal with his constant bragging or this sudden wave of "concern" that's about twenty years too late.

So, there’s this one person in my life right now, and being around him is a massive reality check. It’s making me realize just how deeply guarded and untrusting I’ve been with men—and honestly, I still am. He gives me so much attention and support, yet here I am, still trying to "verify" him like he's some kind of suspicious transaction. I just can't seem to let my guard down. I can't even tell if I ever will be able to. It’s pathetic, really. I end up crying about the whole mess.
Quick question for you all... How do I actually leave the past where it belongs? I am just so done with the constant blaming—both pointing fingers at everyone else and turning them on myself. How do I just breathe normally without this constant, underlying dread about what life is going to throw at me next? How do I make peace with the life I actually ended up with?

Back when I was a kid, whenever he started hitting me, I genuinely thought he was going to kill me.
And the kicker? He doesn't even remember doing it. Pathetic.

Thanks, everyone.

Honestly, nobody can mess with our heads quite like our parents can—you’ve probably realized that by now. And since you mentioned seeing a psychiatrist, I'm guessing you didn't quite get what you went there for. It sounds like you haven't really looked deep enough into yourself or your relationship with your folks to figure out why you act the way you do today. Without that, it’s tough to move forward. You have to get to the core of that parent-child dynamic, spot those negative patterns, and try to flip them into something positive. Otherwise, you're just scratching the surface. You see the depression, the anxiety, and the fear of intimacy, but you might not realize that underneath all that, there’s just a little girl who’s desperately craving love and attention—someone who was left out in the cold by parents whose expectations were so overwhelming that she’s now terrified of being rejected. It makes sense why you struggle to show who you really are...

You really need to realize that your dad isn't some ultimate authority anymore. He shouldn't be. He’s just a guy with his own set of flaws and virtues, just like anyone else. Trust me, he was trying to raise you the best way he knew how—he just didn't have better tools. Because of his own shortcomings and the lack of love he likely received from his own parents, he couldn't give you more. So, stop treating him like he holds all the power. Try, truly try, to forgive him for every tear you shed and every bit of pain he caused. Maybe try talking to him and being open; even if he doesn't totally "get" it, it's vital for you, as an adult, to finally voice your feelings and set some boundaries. Don't let your knees shake when you're standing in front of him. Don't spend your adulthood trying to check someone else's boxes. Things with your boyfriend will start to settle once you decide to speak up clearly about your needs and feelings—and hopefully, he meets you halfway. Right now, there's just too much suppressed pain inside you, not enough self-esteem, and way too much fear of rejection and people-pleasing. Leave that traumatic past behind you. Live in the here and now, because that's where you actually have the chance to make things better... Wishing you the best on this journey, though it definitely takes time and a lot of soul-searching...🙂

Austin Patel20 said:So, I’ve been noticing this weird thing about myself lately. Like, whenever something goes south and there’s someone clearly at fault, I get this sudden, intense urge to step in and play defense for them. I start trying to find excuses, or I’ll try to spin the whole story from a different angle just to make them look less bad.
Even when it’s super obvious—like, staring you right in the face—that they totally messed up, I still catch myself trying to justify what they did. It's like I'm actively fighting against common sense and everyone else's opinion just to keep them from getting judged.

What, you think you're playing Jesus Christ now by constantly looking out for the weak? Honestly, that’s just not how the real world works... most people are busy stepping over the underdog to get ahead, using them if they have to. But you? You’re going way too far trying to excuse bad behavior just because someone is struggling. People who are struggling need to learn how to toughen up and stand on their own two feet—you can't really do much for them anyway... just drop that mindset before you burn yourself out and end up playing the martyr for nothing...🙂

brightviper22 said:👍
I can't even deal with my cat needing to go out in the middle of the night without wanting to lose my mind, let alone a baby you have to soothe, burp, and babysit constantly. With my insomnia? I’d be a ticking time bomb waiting for the next cry to snap me out of sleep. No way. Absolutely not.

I want a life. I want to live with someone I love and actually enjoy that connection without a third party crashing the party—even if that party is a child. The truth? Couples drift apart once kids arrive; they'd probably toss the kid off a balcony if they could. I have neighbors in their prime who don't have kids, just two cats. To me, that's perfection. Meanwhile, the neighbors with three kids? God, the 🙄 screaming never ends...

I seriously can't believe some people talk about children with such blatant contempt and selfishness. I guess some people think it's "cool" now—this Western trend that hit us like a tsunami—but personally, I think it's awful. Look, if you don't want kids, fine, that's your call... but whining about how demanding they are, how they cry, poop, pee, and act out, or how the world is just this rotten place... that's just reflecting your own stupidity. Because you're the one thinking that way—you're the one who used to poop in diapers and drive your parents crazy, born into a world that was arguably much harsher than today's. We all survived. I truly believe nobody looks back and genuinely regrets being born—unless they're currently in a massive funk or deep depression.
Maybe there are too many people on Earth, and it's good not to overcrowd things, but leave the kids out of it. They aren't to blame for being kids, for crying, or for needing love. You're all adults here, yet acting like a bunch of huge, selfish children. Whether you admit it or not, you might think you're perfect, but by acting this way and being so cynical, you're doing way more damage to others than one innocent, crying little kid ever could...

For me, making the call on kids is tough, even though I have a great marriage and I'm almost 35. It's a mix of things—lack of time, wanting to stay comfortable, not wanting those massive responsibilities, and honestly, just worrying about their health, our finances, and what the future holds in general...

neonsailor26 said:So, what exactly is the deal with people like that? Is it just plain old rudeness, or is there something deeper going on under the surface? For those who might not be familiar with the slang, basically, we're talking about people who love to get physical—to strike someone or hit things... specifically, I’m talking about those types who just can't help themselves when it comes to hitting people on the head or swinging clubs around and stuff like that. Why do they even do it? Is it—and I really want to emphasize this—is it just pure, unadulterated disrespect, or is it something else entirely? Because from where I'm standing, it feels like a genuine form of abuse (something I've actually had to deal with myself)...

And I'm also wondering, how should one even handle people like this? They always try to brush it off as just "messing around," but in my book, there is absolutely nothing funny about it—though, of course, you can never truly make those "people" see your side of things. Should I respond with something even stronger to show them they can't do that, or is it better to just steer clear of them altogether?

Thanks so much in advance for any insight you all can share!

Post-lunch update:
-Offended and sharp facial expression:
-Like, hey, what the hell... how can you even act like that... who do you think you are... just get lost... you could throw a few insults in there too, I guess...😁
That's my go-to move. Usually, people just back off once they see that... You end up getting the last laugh when you don't let someone walk all over you, and you show through your body language—mostly by just staying quiet—that you're the kind of guy who prefers peace and quiet...🙂

driftinghound12 said:I couldn't find an existing thread for this, so I’m starting my own because I’m genuinely preoccupied with it... I view this more as a psychology question than a philosophical one. Throughout my life, I've made a conscious effort to be a good person—honest, fair, someone who pursues goals through creativity and hard work, and stays kind and helpful to everyone. I try to approach everything with a positive mindset. It would all be much easier to enjoy if there weren't people in my orbit who seem hell-bent on causing harm. Generally speaking, these are individuals who thrive on destruction, constantly seeking validation by stepping on others. They just seem drawn to malice.

One such person pretended to be my friend, only to steal my boyfriend after we had been together for years. Another is my sister; when I confided my plans to her, she rushed to execute them herself just to snatch the credit. She loves nitpicking me over trivialities and belittling me to others to make herself look better. Then there was a colleague at work who swiped one of my ideas—in a workplace where we're supposed to be collaborating toward a shared goal—and took all the praise for it.

Why are some people naturally drawn to darkness, finding satisfaction in tearing things down for their own gain? How are you supposed to handle them once they've already won? What can be done as a preventative measure? Clearly, I’m attracting this kind of energy somehow; perhaps I’m trying too hard to be nice or "good," making myself an easy target for exploitation. I also don't understand why society seems to reward these types. They’re arrogant and "resourceful," knowing how to grab what they want without putting in any actual sweat or effort. Nowadays, it feels like screwing someone over has become normalized, while being decent is treated as the anomaly. Lately, I've become so guarded and disillusioned with people that I don't trust anyone, let alone want to go out. It got so bad that I actually attempted suicide because the pressure from these toxic people became suffocating. I just feel like I'm worthless and that none of my efforts matter.🤦

The whole idea of "being good" usually revolves around everyone else... you're being kind to others, so you give, you support, you give advice, you try to understand, and you basically spend your energy building things based on what other people want or how they accept you. Then, because you think you've done your part, you're left feeling crushed when nobody notices—or worse, someone uses your kindness against you... and yeah, that really hurts.
Look, regardless of what your parents taught you (that you had to be "good" and please them just so they'd raise you right), or what school, religion, or those little childhood stories said about being a good person... in the real world, that can actually be a pretty disadvantageous trait. Even if you know deep down that "bad" people seem to get ahead easier, you were basically programmed to resist that.

The truth is, the way you're living might be great for everyone else, but it's absolutely destructive for YOU. Seriously, by constantly trying to please others, you aren't able to take care of yourself—you're actually working against your own interests (just wasting your own energy for nothing). And honestly, it's impossible to satisfy everyone because you can't truly grasp what everyone else needs, and they don't necessarily get what you need either... a lot of people wear masks just to make life easier or to get ahead. The world is just a pretty messed up and cold place, there are so many hurdles, and you can't find security in anything (even your best friends can turn their backs on you, and you could wake up tomorrow sick and suddenly be the one depending on others)...
So, you have to learn through life that "good" and "bad" don't really exist as fixed things—it's just your perception from your specific angle, yours and nobody else's... what seems "good" to you might be terrible to someone else. The only thing you can really do is turn inward, focus on your own desires and needs, and try to express them within your own limits. You are the most important person in your life, and you're the only one who's going to live in your skin until the very end, so you're the only one who truly knows what you want. That means sometimes you might have to be "bad" when it comes to your own goals, or push yourself through other people to actually realize who you are... you have to do things MAINLY for yourself and your own happiness, simply because that's what you want.
You have to be prepared for the fact that people will deceive you, be two-faced, take advantage of you if they can, lie to your face, and walk away from you... not necessarily because they're evil, but because they're protecting their own needs and looking out for themselves in their own way. Be good to yourself and stop letting yourself be a servant to others. Nobody is going to appreciate it; people just assume that's what you want and that you don't expect anything in return. And even if you do ask for something, people tend to avoid putting in the effort and just take the path of least resistance. So, try to surround yourself with people who make you feel comfortable, don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation, do what you want and what works for you, try not to hurt others, but don't let them hurt you either. Do what you gotta do to protect yourself, and accept that life is a gamble—you have it today, it might be gone tomorrow. Don't ever shut yourself away from the world; live and grab the best you can from life... because if you don't take it, someone else definitely will...🙂

Samuel Sanders6 said:Look, I’ll get straight to the point...

Maybe people aren't wrong when they call me cold or heartless. Though, honestly, it's more that I just don't see the point in wearing my emotions on my sleeve—but that’s beside the point right now.

The thing is,

family is sacred to me. My parents, my brother, my sister... they mean everything.

But here's the kicker: they are constantly working against me. I'm not delusional; I see it clearly. The very people who should be standing by my side until the end are the ones actively sabotaging my every move.

No matter what I achieve, it's never enough. I know life can be unfair—it's like being in a college seminar where you turn in the exact same assignment as someone else, but yours gets a failing grade while theirs gets an A+.

To be honest, I don't even intend to change the dynamic because trying to fix it feels impossible. But still, how am I supposed to reconcile that, accept it, and just live a normal life?

And yeah, maybe it makes me a jerk for just staying silent—which is usually my best move anyway—and simply looking out for myself. But if I don't grab what I can when the time comes, neither the money nor anything else is just going to fall into my lap.

Don't let anyone walk all over you or pin you down into some role where they can vent their anger, work through their own complexes, or just put you down to feel better about themselves. If your family is seriously dysfunctional and you've already tried speaking up about what bothers you without seeing any real change, my advice is simple: get as far away from them as you possibly can. There really isn't any other way. Surround yourself with friends you can actually talk to about how you're feeling—it's vital that you let those frustrations out somehow. When you bury your feelings deep inside like that, you're basically building a time bomb that's eventually going to blow up as a nervous breakdown, anxiety, depression, or a panic attack. Just protect your mental health and turn your back on the people who should understand you but refuse to...🙂

Seriously though, what's the actual point of locking this thread on Reddit??
http://www.reddit.com/showthread.php?t=854076

Why hasn't this just been moved? Like, if the mods think—and they might be wrong here—that this doesn't belong in this specific sub, why not just let people move it over to something like r/Psychology or whatever? It would make way more sense...
It’s pretty obvious the OP just wants to play the victim and act like a thorn in the moderators' side... honestly, these mods hand out bans for every little thing, but now they’ve finally decided to step up and lock entire threads. Not to mention how some of them actually suggested I seek psychiatric help before... and now, suddenly, my threads with dozens of high-quality posts don't meet "forum standards" anymore...🍿
And don't even get me started on how there are basically only a handful of active threads on the whole site, yet there are five different mods hovering over them. I get it, those moderator seats are comfy and nobody wants to give them up, and I know you guys have to invent stuff to do when things get quiet... but this is just getting ridiculous...
If this is how things are gonna go, Reddit's future is looking pretty bleak... anyway, that's all I've got to say for now... 👏

Man, the nostalgia hits hard...
I’ve moved around so much in my life—it feels like a movie... and honestly, I only ever feel that deep nostalgia for when I was about 6 to 12 years old. That's when I'm at my happiest, just dreaming and looking back...
I've changed cities and friend groups so many times that I can't even wrap my head around what it’s like to live on the same block your whole life and then just move to a different neighborhood. It's gotta be such a shock—you leave all those amazing memories behind and try to settle into somewhere that doesn't quite get you, and it can't even come close to giving you that same feeling. It’s not like anything is missing, per se, but it just feels empty... it sucks...
I don't know, I guess you eventually get used to it... your old neighborhood will always be that special place tied to your best memories... but life moves on, and sometimes we don't get a say in it... unfortunately...
It makes sense, though—wherever you feel comfortable and happy, that's where you bond...
Hopefully, you'll find your way back there one day...😉
I really appreciate how much heart you put into your writing, it's a pleasure to read...👍

neonsailor26 said:Do your past mistakes ever come back to haunt you?
Do you find yourself looking back with regret over them?
I’ve certainly made my fair share—some minor slip-ups, and others that were quite significant...
And yes, I do regret them, but it feels as though they’re still lingering right there beside me—almost like some kind of curse, heaven forbid 😢 .
How about you all? How do you deal with those old shadows?

They definitely follow me around. Honestly, my biggest regret is that I wasn't a total jerk—you know, one of those selfish, inconsiderate people who only cares about themselves... that's really the only thing I wish I'd done differently, because everything else would've just fallen into place... Not being an absolute jerk was the biggest mistake of my life... and I've been paying for it for years, and I'll probably be paying for it for a long time to come...🙄