Posts by placidwolf27

Look, she’s completely unhinged—that’s her whole thing. And honestly? That’s exactly why she’s so liberated and powerful... because she’s lost her grip on reality entirely. She doesn't need anyone, and frankly, she doesn't seem to care about anything either. She’s free because she’s gone off the deep end, and there’s no pressure for her to "grow up" or find some semblance of stability. She can just be totally detached, isolated, and chaotic—running away from everything until she eventually hits a wall... maybe even burns out from an overdose, if that's where the road leads. At this point, what does she even have left to lose?

The whole aesthetic—those long stockings, the "adult" vibe...

It reminds me of certain women I've crossed paths with in the past—just pure, unadulterated repulsion and rage.

I suppose I should address this... though I suspect my perspective might be viewed as somewhat antiquated by the more spirited members of this forum—it’s a common enough critique, I suppose... There is an undeniable, if rather exhausting, weight to the way things are currently unfolding in the States. One watches the headlines, one observes the shifting tides of our institutions, and one can't help but feel a certain sense of weary inevitability—as if we are all just circling a drain that was greased decades ago... It isn't necessarily that things are "bad"—that's too simplistic a term—but rather that they have become predictably, almost tediously, complicated. I find myself looking at the current state of our civic discourse and wondering if anyone actually remembers how to hold a conversation without retreating into immediate, reflexive hostility... It’s a tiring spectacle, truly. We trade barbs like currency, yet somehow, we remain perpetually bankrupt of actual substance. It makes one wonder if the pursuit of progress was ever anything more than a polite fiction we maintained to keep the machinery running... But then again, perhaps that is simply the nature of the beast. We build, we break, and then we sit amidst the rubble, wondering why the dust won't settle... placidwolf27 says:
You’ve laid out the reality with perfect lucidity—I'll give you that—but you’ve veered quite sharply into blame and negativity... It makes me wonder, though—just how massive of a blunder was it really to get this wrong? I’m genuinely curious... If someone else you actually knew committed the exact same error, what would your honest assessment of their actions be back then?

Well, I’ve gone and done it—I’ve managed to screw myself over. Or rather, someone else played me for a fool, which effectively means I screwed myself... it's that kind of circular, self-inflicted disaster where you can't tell where the sabotage ends and my own stupidity begins. I almost hit rock bottom, though not quite—not that anyone would really care, given how insignificant my little catastrophes are in the grand scheme of things... but still, it is an absolute embarrassment. A total disgrace, through and through. Now, I'm just left sitting here with this mounting frustration, a creeping sense of depression, and the realization that I have to go back to square one... again.

I knew deep down I was being an absolute fool—just a complete, spineless pushover—but I simply couldn't face that reality... so instead, I played the part of someone who actually had it together. Naturally, the whole charade fell apart, and now? Now I’m left with absolutely nothing. Something like that...

nimblemoose2 said:I'm going through the exact same thing. I’m only 24, yet I feel like my time is running out already. I spend all my energy overanalyzing past mistakes instead of actually living in the moment.

Well, just be careful with that... it’s all too easy to become so preoccupied with avoiding any kind of friction that you end up inadvertently dodging life itself...

Yesterday stays etched into the psyche—it’s permanent, at least in the mind—because that information is already woven into the very fabric of our consciousness... whereas today is fleeting. Yesterday is always "now" in a sense; the brain is constantly trying to find its footing by referencing the past because today feels novel and disorienting, while tomorrow hasn't even arrived yet. We are perpetually processing yesterday because we have no other choice... and so, yesterday ends up consuming today, leaving nothing left for tomorrow...

One really ought to be constantly embracing the damn process—staying painfully, acutely aware of it in the present moment, and simply existing within it... otherwise, you aren't actually living. You’re just performing some sort of elaborate avoidance maneuver—a desperate little dance that can drag on for a month, a year, or even thirty years...

I am aware that fear provides the green light—it’s the catalyst... I know that hatred and rage serve as the primary compasses, while pleasure simply programs our behavioral patterns. Love? Love is nothing more than a mechanism for total compulsion. It is all quite clear to me—how these internal forces animate the organism like some sort of stop-motion puppet... that much, I know...

Everything eventually settles into a mechanism—though it’s not even like a set of gears working in unison... it’s more about the teeth, individual tooth by tooth, day by day. A sensation, a thought, a word, an action... situation after situation, one small notch at a time, and then the whole thing begins to turn. The machine runs—it simply cannot function any other way...

Joseph Bailey41 said:The real sting comes from that first collapse, when the reality you thought was solid just dissolves. After that, you start building the next version just so you can get through the day. When that one eventually breaks, there isn't that same sense of lost, disoriented despair—just a bit of regular frustration. By then, you're approaching the next thing with a bit of an ironic distance, viewing it as a temporary setup. It lasts as long as it lasts.

The issue isn't really about ego; it's about becoming pathologically attached to it. And in the end, everything passes.

Well, that’s the fundamental question, isn't it—how one actually goes about building something... what exactly is the foundation, the core structural point around which this whole endeavor revolves?

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:Based on everything you've posted before, I know you’re a total skeptic when it comes to meditation and all that zen stuff, though honestly, I think it might actually do you some good.
Have you even thought about reaching out to a professional for some help?

I don't need to "believe" in meditation... I know it works, and I understand the mechanics behind it quite well—both from practical experience and a bit of theoretical study—but the issue is a total lack of self-discipline to actually make it a habit. I can barely manage to finish a book, let alone commit to a regular meditation practice just because I imagine it would be beneficial...

As for professional help—I have zero interest in pursuing it. I haven't stepped foot in a psychiatrist's office since 2015 and I don't intend to ever go back. They simply don't know how to help... at most, they'll prescribe some medication to get me through the absolute worst moments, but that isn't a real long-term solution...

If I find myself truly hitting a breaking point, I can always head to the ER—and I keep a supply of meds on hand for that exact reason, mostly because I don't take them regularly; they aren't even necessary most days, and frankly, the side effects are a nuisance...

I know I won't take my own life—I just know, intuitively, that I am incapable of it, and a lot of irrational anxieties act as a deterrent... perhaps the subconscious is just protecting itself from itself. So, I suppose I have no choice but to process all of this somehow...

I feel like I'm actually learning something, though I haven't figured out what it is yet. I don't understand why I can't be different, and that's where the fear sets in—knowing I have to get up in the morning, go to work, and come home without completely falling apart in the interim. At the same time, I realize there is no one to monitor my behavior or dictate my state of mind hour by hour. I never know what's coming next... I never know who I'll be when I finally walk through my front door, or what I'll be enduring while I'm on the clock. Conscious decision-making isn't a factor here... it isn't up to me. There is no "me"...

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:So, when did this whole thing actually start happening to you?

I’ve been seeing this for quite a few years now—actually, it’s been several years...

I see myself as nothing more than a series of processes—and while control might be an inherent part of the system, it isn't *my* control. There is no "someone" at the helm. Willpower might be active within the machinery, but it isn't my will; there is no singular agent behind it. Behaviors just occur. I think, I speak, I act—that constitutes the "me"—but the core is absent. It’s just processes unfolding. There is no choice involved, no sense of agency... it’s as if there is no one to choose.

Mostly, there are these narratives—complete bullshit, naturally—that the brain churns through, allowing some sort of ego construct to float along just enough to make the state sustainable. It even hallucinates a sense of direction, much like when one is dreaming...

However, every so often, that little delusion collapses. Either the ego construct loses its buoyancy, or the delusion gains too much momentum and shatters the construct entirely. And then, it truly hurts—in the sense of rage, shame, disgust, suicidality, aggression... an utter inability to orient oneself or assemble any concept of what tomorrow holds or why today exists. Because there is no one there, no way, no means, no actor... there is simply nothing inside.

That is the essence of "what started happening"... it recurs periodically.

It is roughly like that feeling when you wake up from a dream and feel fine, but then you suddenly remember what happened during the dream while still half-asleep, and it just crushes you—taking hold of you until you don't know what's what. It is that sensation, merely reproduced over a span of months instead of minutes...

Or, it is like those moments when you realize a certain train of thought—some sort of mindless drift—has carried you away from something negative you were feeling, or allowed you to momentarily forget something unpleasant. You realize you are moving like a unit in a specific direction, but that "unit" is merely an imagined persona. The moment you snap back to reality, or the moment that absence stumbles or collides with something, that persona disintegrates. You never had control over it, nor did you consciously intend to stop it, and that is precisely what carries you off in the wrong direction...

Yes, exactly that, but on a much larger scale. It isn't just a momentary lapse in presence; it is the entire superstructure. It is the whole narrative of life that allows one to map out an internal topography of emotions and impulses, imagining a "tomorrow" that one feels compelled to pursue. Without it, all that remains is raw, negative emotion and physical exertion, without anyone to understand the what or the why. You are reduced to the memory of what you shouldn't do now, and the shame and fear that allow you to cling to that avoidance...

The concept of things—the framework that allows one to move from day to day without negative emotions causing constant derailments—simply breaks down. When the system jumps the tracks, there is no one left to steer. The thing steers itself via some narrative, some script, some story told about yesterday and tomorrow. When that stops working, everything falls apart. Some ego is left drifting in a void, with no way to reconstruct an operational identity or a set of reasons for or against anything. Everything just boils down to carrying the weight of negative emotions and the sheer necessity of daily survival...

There is no "I" within this...

I simply am not here.

What exists are patterns, structures, mechanisms—but there is no soul inhabiting them.

I don't even know who is typing these words—honestly, I have no idea.

Beyond the immediate execution of some programmed pattern, I do not exist...

I possess no awareness of anything that isn't a fleeting, momentary state.

It is impossible for me to articulate anything that isn't merely a byproduct of that instantaneous condition.

States shift constantly through the day—from morning to noon, from noon to night—and I lose track of who I am, what I’m thinking, or why I’m doing any of it. One moment is one thing, the next is entirely another...

I am not here. I don't exist.

I truly don't know who is at the keyboard.

Shame is a truly revolting sensation—it feels as though the psyche is rejecting fragments of one’s own identity, much like a body rejects a transplanted organ... or like something is rotting from within and simply refuses to be purged.

It creates this profound internal friction that stifles any sense of agency; it drains your strength and completely wrecks your focus. It’s almost physical—you try to work, but you just stop because your muscles refuse to cooperate. You desperately want to project some semblance of calm, but you can't control the emotional outbursts... you can only hope to suppress the occasional flare-up.

I am completely paralyzed right now. My muscles are cramping, my thoughts have become compulsive, and I can't find a single coherent direction to head in. Everything feels broken. I can't accept myself like this—and what makes it worse is that I knew better, yet I didn't act better. There is no forgiveness here, no letting go, no acceptance... there is only this spasm, this disgrace, this misery... it persists through the entire workday until I finally sit down with a beer—probably four of them—just to numb it all.

I can be as intelligent as anyone else, and I can explain all of this quite articulately during those fleeting moments when I am calm enough to speak my mind, but it doesn't matter once the bite sets in. Once it takes hold, it isn't up to me anymore. I cannot think differently, I cannot behave differently, and I cannot find my way back. It’s devastating... it truly, deeply hurts.

This damn anxiety has been riding my back for years now—it gives me a gift every single day, I swear. There isn't a force in heaven or on earth capable of setting things right... everything just falls apart, everything spirals into total chaos, while the powers that be just sit up there, watching it all go south and twiddling their thumbs

Peter Murphy6 said:I think the beauty lies in how every day is just... reality. That sense of security and peace comes from your idea about reason acting like a processor in a projector—that’s such a killer line! 👍
To me, one of those "newly discovered" life lessons is actually learning how to live in the moment. I feel like people get this wrong all the time; they think living in the moment means you have to be constantly chasing stuff—traveling, partying, being social, hitting milestones—just a massive checklist of activities. But for me? Living in the moment is about understanding my emotions—where they're coming from, why they're there, and what triggered them (you know, that two-layer thing where you have the surface emotion and then the deeper layer underneath), regardless of whether the feeling is "good" or "bad."

The hard part is dealing with that split. Every day is different, emotions are constantly shifting, and logic usually shows up way too late—everything feels totally out of my control. But by leaning into reason, I think I've hit this kind of "sync"—now, the feeling of the moment and the logical explanation happen at the same time. It’s allowed me to finally let go and trust that I won't "mess up."
If you keep tripping over the same stone, you've gotta learn something. The real nonsense is not knowing "why," because that’s exactly what drives people into those frustrating cycles of self-blame.

Guilt isn't meant to be a sentence; it's just a compass pointing toward where you need to grow internally 🙂 It's not there to judge you or "destroy" you.

It’s a nightmare... you can't renounce it, you can't switch it off, and you certainly can't detach from it. Emotional states dictate whatever the intellect tries to concoct; reason is essentially blind, merely rearranging the deck chairs while being completely unaware of anything else. It’s just this endless, frantic dance where you can't think of anything else, can't see anything else... a momentary, semi-conscious motivation dictates the entire experience of the present, animating your whole body toward certain directions—some half-formed, chaotic internal force dreams up some nonsense, and your entire physical being just blindly follows it

Peter Murphy6 said:I think the beauty lies in how every day is just... reality. That sense of security and peace comes from your idea about reason acting like a processor in a projector—that’s such a killer line! 👍
To me, one of those "newly discovered" life lessons is actually learning how to live in the moment. I feel like people get this wrong all the time; they think living in the moment means you have to be constantly chasing stuff—traveling, partying, being social, hitting milestones—just a massive checklist of activities. But for me? Living in the moment is about understanding my emotions—where they're coming from, why they're there, and what triggered them (you know, that two-layer thing where you have the surface emotion and then the deeper layer underneath), regardless of whether the feeling is "good" or "bad."

The hard part is dealing with that split. Every day is different, emotions are constantly shifting, and logic usually shows up way too late—everything feels totally out of my control. But by leaning into reason, I think I've hit this kind of "sync"—now, the feeling of the moment and the logical explanation happen at the same time. It’s allowed me to finally let go and trust that I won't "mess up."
If you keep tripping over the same stone, you've gotta learn something. The real nonsense is not knowing "why," because that’s exactly what drives people into those frustrating cycles of self-blame.

Guilt isn't meant to be a sentence; it's just a compass pointing toward where you need to grow internally 🙂 It's not there to judge you or "destroy" you.

But that is exactly where the problem lies—everything is lived in the moment because there is no "self" outside of that complex assembly of things that isn't currently happening. You can't stop yourself; you can't make the wind blow in reverse, you can't make the water flow uphill... you simply cannot prevent yourself

Peter Murphy6 said:I think the beauty lies in how every day is just... reality. That sense of security and peace comes from your idea about reason acting like a processor in a projector—that’s such a killer line! 👍
To me, one of those "newly discovered" life lessons is actually learning how to live in the moment. I feel like people get this wrong all the time; they think living in the moment means you have to be constantly chasing stuff—traveling, partying, being social, hitting milestones—just a massive checklist of activities. But for me? Living in the moment is about understanding my emotions—where they're coming from, why they're there, and what triggered them (you know, that two-layer thing where you have the surface emotion and then the deeper layer underneath), regardless of whether the feeling is "good" or "bad."

The hard part is dealing with that split. Every day is different, emotions are constantly shifting, and logic usually shows up way too late—everything feels totally out of my control. But by leaning into reason, I think I've hit this kind of "sync"—now, the feeling of the moment and the logical explanation happen at the same time. It’s allowed me to finally let go and trust that I won't "mess up."
If you keep tripping over the same stone, you've gotta learn something. The real nonsense is not knowing "why," because that’s exactly what drives people into those frustrating cycles of self-blame.

Guilt isn't meant to be a sentence; it's just a compass pointing toward where you need to grow internally 🙂 It's not there to judge you or "destroy" you.

It isn't "difficult," per se; it is terrifying how easily the process unfolds—how easily we stumble, trip, and collide with life. It is hard, perhaps impossible, to hold onto anything or prevent anything—to restrain oneself or guard against our own stupidity, which is as blinding as it is massive
A person might feel the urge to decide to follow the exact same routine every single day just to avoid falling apart every few days, but that is an impossibility because control cannot be established. It’s a total oxymoron... memory does function to some extent, providing a record of mistakes, wrong turns, and those moments of confusion, negligence, or arrogance toward reality. There are fleeting ideas from one moment to the next about what one *should* want or do, but what one actually wants, or doesn't want—and the resulting directions and conclusions drawn from feeling, thinking, and then acting or speaking—it all shifts from morning to night as if simmering in a pot. Something your entire being recoils from in the morning is exactly what you embrace with your whole soul by evening... even the contradictions are felt. This lack of control in the process is maddening; a person realizes clearly that they aren't a "person," that a cohesive self doesn't exist, and that they cannot rely on their own actions or consciousness. At times, even the simple idea of leaving the house creates fear and dread... how can you take a single step when the step itself is taking you somewhere apart from yourself? And yet, you *are* that step, and there is no other "you" beyond the very movement that defines you.

Peter Murphy6 said:I think the beauty lies in how every day is just... reality. That sense of security and peace comes from your idea about reason acting like a processor in a projector—that’s such a killer line! 👍
To me, one of those "newly discovered" life lessons is actually learning how to live in the moment. I feel like people get this wrong all the time; they think living in the moment means you have to be constantly chasing stuff—traveling, partying, being social, hitting milestones—just a massive checklist of activities. But for me? Living in the moment is about understanding my emotions—where they're coming from, why they're there, and what triggered them (you know, that two-layer thing where you have the surface emotion and then the deeper layer underneath), regardless of whether the feeling is "good" or "bad."

The hard part is dealing with that split. Every day is different, emotions are constantly shifting, and logic usually shows up way too late—everything feels totally out of my control. But by leaning into reason, I think I've hit this kind of "sync"—now, the feeling of the moment and the logical explanation happen at the same time. It’s allowed me to finally let go and trust that I won't "mess up."
If you keep tripping over the same stone, you've gotta learn something. The real nonsense is not knowing "why," because that’s exactly what drives people into those frustrating cycles of self-blame.

Guilt isn't meant to be a sentence; it's just a compass pointing toward where you need to grow internally 🙂 It's not there to judge you or "destroy" you.

As I understand it, guilt, shame, and rage all function as the underlying reason my muscles tense up during the workday—to the point where I can't stop compulsively ruminating on things until I eventually start talking out loud to myself...

I suppose what I'm experiencing is a physiological process through which the body attempts to process an issue, but it is incredibly difficult to sustain; it triggers violence, then flight, then paralysis, then spasms... and once that cycle passes, it just collapses back into depression, passivity, and sudden eruptions of fury.

In reality, everything is driven by hatred and rage—some kind of deep-seated resentment—and a profound disgust with oneself, as if various personas are being forced to align just to perform some task or articulate some nonsense intended to satisfy some endless neurotic loop.

I could tell myself a hundred times that I need to practice acceptance, but it isn't a conscious process... inside me, everything is hating, fleeing, snarling, biting, and constantly rejecting, denying, refusing, denying... I can be as intelligent or wise as I want, but the subconscious process is simply hijacked by that resentment and hatred; I cannot choose otherwise. When the part of me decides, "To hell with this, I'm going to go get high," I go get high. When it decides, "I don't care, I'm just going to wallow in this mess," I wallow. When it decides, "I'll play the intellectual now and pretend to be someone important," I play the part. The intellect always serves the impulse perfectly—much like running a poorly optimized game on an old PC... it stutters and lags, but it executes the command flawlessly right up until the moment it crashes.

After all that, there is nothing left but even deeper self-loathing and pure horror at one's own emptiness beyond these patterns... it is like watching your own limbs carry out entire actions independent of your will or supervision, or listening to yourself utter full sentences while realizing that "you" aren't actually the one speaking them. And it isn't just about isolated actions or words; it's about entire processes and sequences unfolding day after day... leaving behind nothing but dread, terror, and shame.

It feels like pieces of my soul are dying away, day after day.

The truth is, there isn’t much of "me" left—honestly, I don't think there ever really was. It’s just a repetitive loop of behavioral patterns driven by emotional compulsions... unravelling habits, unravelling actions. A little bit of fear pushes me into a corner, a little shame drags me into a hole, a flicker of anger or rage sends me spiraling in the wrong direction. Every single day feels like waking up from a strange dream; every day is some entirely new reality, inhabited by a version of myself that is shrinking—someone who is becoming increasingly incapable of navigating the world.

It terrifies me because I can see how irrational I’ve become. I can't even rely on my own judgment anymore, let alone predict the things happening around me—or the things that have already passed. Each day dictates its own reality, governed entirely by raw emotion... my reason serves as nothing more than a processor in a projector, nothing more.

I can't make sense of the person I was two weeks ago—if I could, I’d beat him senseless and curse his very existence. And I can't get back the person I was six months ago; I’d embrace him now and beg him not to leave. Every weekend I seem to manufacture a new trauma... every day I feel like wet cement being churned in a mixer.

Week after week, I watch myself making mistakes that I simply cannot explain. I see them happening, yet I am powerless to stop them—there was no "other me" there to step in and intervene. A wave of horror and grief hits me whenever I realize how good things could have been... how much better I could have done.

I can't see a future. Any plan I try to make feels like a delusional fantasy that will inevitably wreck me if I actually commit to it. I am terrified of my own stupidity... terrified of the fury and the hatred, because they always lead me straight into deeper messes.

I am deeply, profoundly afraid.

Michael Hernandez77 said:Do those with "developmental disabilities" possess an ego?

People with developmental delays deal with neurological issues—dysfunctions, damage, anomalies—there are hundreds of such diagnoses and syndromes... their "ego" is fundamentally the same as yours or mine. I actually know a guy with an IQ probably around 80 or 90, and he’s truly the most cheerful, open person I’ve ever met. He can act literally as if he has no "ego" at all, yet he can also be as selfish as a five-year-old whenever the mood strikes him—who knows... he could even be enlightened while sitting right next to me sipping a beer, it's just that he lacks the ability to articulate it...

Various forms of mental dysfunction and psychological illness are, in a sense, useful—much like how psychedelics offer a glimpse into how the system operates. If nothing else, they draw attention to how the system malfunctions, creating a necessity to finally pop the hood and inspect the engine...

In this day and age, you realize that many people simply fail to grasp the nature of the problem because they have never personally grappled with these issues...

Illness, generally speaking, teaches a great deal. Aside from the experience itself, perhaps the organism is partially calibrated to learn from sickness and dysfunction—to register how things work so it can adapt, purely for the sake of long-term survival...

rapidgull3 said:It stands to reason that an initial psychiatric evaluation should include a brain CT scan to ensure the organ itself is functioning properly. Only once organic causes are ruled out should psychiatrists and psychologists proceed with psychotherapy. Otherwise, therapy risks being futile and medication intake becomes pointless if there is no effect.

Every single psychological issue has a neurological basis—otherwise, it wouldn't exist in the first place. It’s like asking whether digestive issues have a physiological cause, or if high blood pressure is linked to circulation...

The issue is that our psychiatric establishment mostly operates under some sort of psychodynamic logic—which is really just updated Freudianism—and they aren't particularly collaborative with neurologists, aside from the fact that a patient might have to wait six months for a scan when they need help immediately. Consequently, they mostly default to pharmacotherapy, which—thank God—usually has some measurable effect, given the realities of neurochemistry... but everything else seems to boil down to these clumsy conversations about parental relationships and a general assessment of whether a person is dangerous or not.

God, it’s their specialty... "doctors" and all that. You can't tell them they're doing it wrong; you can't really say anything to them at all. Any criticism you offer is simply treated as another symptom, which serves as further justification to keep you institutionalized for a while longer...

The problem is actually somewhat deeper... most branches of medicine deal directly with the organism, so their approaches and methods are more technical. Psychiatry, however, pretends to deal with the "person," yet they remain—quite ironically, since they should be the ones to understand this distinction—operationally under the delusion that an organism is synonymous with a person. They believe things can be resolved through conversation and by keeping someone confined in a closed space and so on... I suppose it works, in a way. Everything helps. Even leeches, for instance, truly assist with inflammations and hematomas—that is proven...

Michael Gonzalez77 said:Dogs are just like most other animals—they aren't some complex psychological machines... they operate on much simpler software than we do. The only creature that truly lacks inner peace is a human being.

You haven't even laid eyes on a live dog in your entire life...

William Hall93 said:What does any of that have to do with the topic at hand? 🤣
I don't buy into that quasi-astrological psychological nonsense you're peddling.

Well, seeing as you’re just an organic system—one that emerged from yet another organic system—it’s entirely relevant to the subject...
Fetal development matters here; the formation of all those biological building blocks, the aftermath of birth, whether you were an only child or if siblings came out of that same organism before you did... how old was that organism at the time? Was it healthy, or was it already worn down? You have to consider the stress levels during pregnancy, the hormonal fluctuations, and all that other physiological noise...

Now, I’m asking out of pure personal curiosity—frankly, I couldn't care less about the "topic" itself—but it’s deeply connected to what you’re asking. In fact, almost nothing else determines the outcome you're inquiring about, so I'm asking...

Furthermore, this idea that you are "the same"—that's just a baseline assumption. Most people don't actually "grow" in a meaningful sense; they just reach a certain state and then proceed to age...

To actually become different, you would need to be exposed to experiences and circumstances that deviate from what your organism has been conditioned to handle. That is when you undergo change, or adaptation, or whatever one chooses to call being conditioned by the environment...

But what you are specifically asking about is something known to occur based on maternal age or epigenetics rooted in early development—say, the first three years of life, for instance. Honestly, anything falling under the umbrella of early development might actually be more relevant than the topic itself...

How old was your mother when she had you? Do you happen to know what your birth weight was—how long did she carry you, nine months, maybe eight...

It’s difficult to prevent—honestly, almost impossible—but if you approach it with intention, maintaining a sense of objectivity, you end up gaining a certain kind of insight... you start noticing the patterns within the patterns, processing the mechanics of what you are as a system. In truth, that is what a conscious experience actually feels like...

Look, you don't really owe anyone an explanation—because if a person's internal inclinations and motives are all pulling in one specific direction, then they’re essentially just following a pre-set path toward that destination. And if that destination happens to be hell itself... well, wouldn't it be a relief if we could actually recalibrate our internal compass?

It seems to me that what drives us from within—our core motivations—dictates nearly everything about how we exist. It shapes our behavior, our opinions, our speech, our agreements, and our actions... both in the mundane day-to-day sense and in the grander, long-term sweep of a life. In this view, individual behaviors aren't really independent events; they're just momentary details serving a larger narrative that inevitably leads to a certain consequence.

If you take a closer look at the internal mechanics over any significant period, it becomes obvious that almost every action, every thought, and every pattern of behavior—in any sense of the word—is conditioned by these underlying motivations and orientations that we haven't consciously chosen... (with the exception, perhaps, of purely mechanical, practical tasks dictated by immediate necessity—like, I don't know, using the restroom, walking up a flight of stairs, parking a car, or carrying a heavy box. Though, even then, one might wonder why you found yourself in that specific parking lot, where those stairs were leading you in the first place, or why you were tasked with carrying that load at all...) Essentially, every result, every circumstance, the very act of living itself, is tethered to these subconscious drivers.

It also becomes clear that while choice exists, it isn't exactly transparent, nor is it easy—and frankly, it isn't always even possible. Even when a choice *is* available, it often runs directly contrary to our deepest desires. At that point, there simply isn't a desire strong enough to counter the primary one; there's no willpower greater than the existing impulse, no motive capable of overriding the original drive.

Furthermore, the whole thing relies heavily on some sort of internal authority—a sense of inner sovereignty—which, it appears, is frequently lacking, fragmented, or simply devoid of strength.

And so, everything just unfolds according to these "motives." Life just happens. When you look back at it, it feels as though someone—or something—has been puppeteering you, moving you along like a character in a stop-motion animation...

It’s just that motives aren't exactly matters of conscious choice—in fact, the most powerful drivers are often completely irrational, sometimes even running directly contrary to one's own self-interest... it’s all incredibly murky and convoluted. Perhaps, if a person can actually become aware of these internal impulses, they might manage to mitigate them—at least if those motives lean toward the positive side—but if they aren't... well, then it's just a matter of being at the mercy of them.

The real question, though, is how one goes about changing those inner inclinations and mindsets—those core motives. If that is what truly drives, directs, and dictates our behavior in both the short and long term, then the ultimate goal should be the ability to reshape them—to dictate them to ourselves...

If I’m being brutally honest with myself—looking deep inside—it really boils down to fear, shame, a sense of obligation toward others, and perhaps a touch of submissiveness... that internal compulsion to not push back against some kind of "authority." And by authority, I mean something impersonal—like a contract, a social setting, a group dynamic, or just a current arrangement where everything is organized solely for the sake of getting things done.

Without those elements—if you lack those interpersonal ties that create a framework for your actions—there is simply no motivation. There is no context at all. There is nothing inside except these fleeting impulses to seek instant gratification or to dodge boredom and frustration... maybe even some self-destructive urges. But there is nothing stronger than that. Once you step outside that established "context," you're essentially just spinning your wheels in a void, spiraling downward day after day until you've completely run out of steam, eventually collapsing into total entropy and ruin—all while remaining painfully aware of the descent.

To manufacture a "motivation" when that social context is missing, one would have to possess some sort of internal authority—some inner figure capable of issuing commands and setting direction—and simultaneously, there would need to be someone there to actually listen and take those commands seriously. Neither of those things is true in my case. Honestly, if I tried to consciously invent my own motives, it would be about as productive as trying to season the tail of a stray cat in the backyard.

Lawrence Bailey77 said:Brenda Stewart59 has stripped this problem down to its very core... offering a perspective that I suppose deserves some level of respect 👍

.. and quite frankly, who does one think they are, telling others to shut up? 🍿

but no, that’s just that "just get over it" kind of logic

that whole "move on" mentality doesn't actually work—it simply doesn't...

Lawrence Bailey77 said:Brenda Stewart59 has stripped this problem down to its very core... offering a perspective that I suppose deserves some level of respect 👍

.. and quite frankly, who does one think they are, telling others to shut up? 🍿

no one—who would I even be? we're all just users here, acting like we're somebody special when we're really not...

Brenda Stewart59 said:Uh...

Look, there's no way I can explain this without you taking offense. I want to say upfront that I'm not trying to insult you, and you shouldn't take what you're about to read as a personal attack. It's human nature; whenever someone points out something you should change about yourself, it feels like an assault. Change hurts. Being forced to look at your own stupidity hurts.
If you like what I have to say—take it. If not—ignore it.

To me, you sound like a spoiled brat wandering around the house with no clue what the point of your own existence is. Usually, parents instill that sense of purpose and a certain "structure" in a child.
Since that seems to be missing in your case, it looks like your parents bypassed you on that front. A classic spoiled kid who was never given basic life directions.

So, what do you actually need?
You need someone to "wake you up" to that reality. Either a few harsh words or a wake-up call to steer you in the right direction, but after that, it's entirely up to you to snap out of it.
- Get a life. Get a job. Get a social circle.
Or are you just waiting for everything to fall into your lap? Mom cooks the meals. Dad buys the gaming rig for surfing the web. The bills are paid, and you have zero obligations or responsibilities.
And meanwhile, you just lounge on the couch complaining about how meaningless life is. Wow.

No, you don't need a "regime" designed to help you lounge around more effectively.
You need to grow up. Stop sulking. Step out of your comfort zone—anywhere, in any direction.
You have far too much free time to indulge in this philosophy that's killing you. Take that time away from yourself by spending it on something useful.
Go work, volunteer, study, hit the gym—do anything that consumes your time and doesn't leave room to dwell on nonsense.
Trying to contemplate the meaning of life before you've actually experienced anything is pure folly; it's just wasting time and space.
Stop wallowing in self-pity and actually do something to change your circumstances.

Or, you could just ignore everything I wrote and keep trolling on social media from the comfort of that nice sofa.

Look, if you don't actually grasp the core of the issue, man... just stay quiet.