Posts by graniteeagle3

I find myself in the exact same boat regarding this matter.

Brandon Johnson13 said:I haven't read anything else besides your initial post, but I feel compelled to mention that this entire situation strikes me as a textbook case of OCD. I cannot say for certain whether it is or isn't, but that is my impression. That being said, reading through your words makes me realize that my own struggles with OCD can be somewhat overwhelming, so if you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate the opportunity to chat via private message.

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Well, for me, the thoughts just seem to line up one after another. They pop up constantly—it’s like mushrooms appearing after a rainstorm. As soon as one old thought settles, a new one takes its place. I tend to overanalyze things, which inevitably leads me to start questioning myself—and once I start, there's a whole mountain of questions to climb.
Feel free to reach out in my inbox whenever you feel like talking.

Brenda Moore6 said:You don't even need to worry about the money; just get a referral from your doctor and go talk to someone. There's really no reason to be scared of a psychiatrist—that's their whole job, helping people. This sounds like classic OCD and nothing else, which is actually good news, right? 👍

Of course it's good news—I honestly wish it were that simple to hear 😁
I'm not sure how things work elsewhere, but here in the States, you end up paying for everything regardless—whether it's a public clinic or a private practice, the costs just keep piling up.

Brenda Moore6 said:I didn't go through every single page because—well, there are just so many... what I can tell you is to try and breathe, relax, and maybe do a little digging into Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353443

Quoting here:
"7. Unwanted sexual thoughts

Much like the fear of violent imagery, intrusive sexual thoughts frequently surface for those living with OCD. These thoughts are typically inappropriate and touch upon various sexual taboos, such as imagining pedophilic acts or bestiality."

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) might be able to help you out... medications like Prozac, Zoloft, and things of that nature... please, just head over to a psychiatrist without any hesitation—be completely honest with them—and don't worry about a thing, because you aren't broken at all, you're going to be fine!!

Honestly, if I could just scrape together enough money—since I'm currently between jobs—I'd head straight to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I'll tell them everything—every single thought, every fear, every little thing happening to me—basically an alphabetical list of my struggles. And believe me, there is plenty to talk about.
I did have one rather uncomfortable experience once with a psychiatrist who just sat there, completely indifferent and seemingly uninterested in what I had to say.
But then again, finding a good doctor isn't exactly easy.
I just know it’s going to take a massive amount of courage to sit across from someone and say all this face-to-face. But, I suppose I'll just have to find a way to push through it.
Thanks for the response; actually, even before I started this thread a while back, I had a feeling I was dealing with OCD. I suspect a psychiatrist will tell me the same thing.

Brenda Moore6 said:I didn't go through every single page because—well, there are just so many... what I can tell you is to try and breathe, relax, and maybe do a little digging into Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353443

Quoting here:
"7. Unwanted sexual thoughts

Much like the fear of violent imagery, intrusive sexual thoughts frequently surface for those living with OCD. These thoughts are typically inappropriate and touch upon various sexual taboos, such as imagining pedophilic acts or bestiality."

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) might be able to help you out... medications like Prozac, Zoloft, and things of that nature... please, just head over to a psychiatrist without any hesitation—be completely honest with them—and don't worry about a thing, because you aren't broken at all, you're going to be fine!!

Man, if only I could scrape enough money together (since I'm currently unemployed) to head straight to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I’d lay it all out for them—every single thought, every fear, everything I'm going through, just in alphabetical order. And believe me, I have quite a lot to say.
I actually had one rather unpleasant experience once with a psychiatrist who just sat there, totally silent and seemingly uninterested.
But then again, finding a decent psychiatrist isn't exactly easy either.
I just know it’s going to take a massive amount of courage to say all this to someone face-to-face. But, I suppose I'll just have to force myself to do it somehow.
Thanks for the reply; honestly, even before I started this thread a while back, I had a feeling I was dealing with OCD. I suspect a doctor will tell me the exact same thing.

Richard Rodriguez17 said:I honestly think what you’re actually terrified of is love itself—you know, the act of showing emotion or being affectionate—and you’re somehow blurring the lines between those feelings and sexual arousal. It’s perfectly normal to get this positive, happy, emotional rush in your brain when you’re petting a dog... which I guess you’re confusing with sexual excitement. I don't know, I'm probably just rambling here.😁

Well, I get it. I always feel this surge of positivity whenever I see an animal and start petting it or playing around with it. And children—honestly, I've always loved kids. They were dear to me, sweet, funny... I used to love patting a child on the head. But now... now it feels like a total disaster. If I even let myself think about it, I start fearing that I might be some kind of potential predator.
I really don't understand why these things happen to someone like me.
Here I am—someone who is quiet, kind, reserved, and who has genuinely loved children my whole life—yet I find myself wondering if I'm a pedophile?
I truly can't wrap my head around what's happening to me...
I can't even begin to describe the flood of thoughts that hit me at the mere suggestion that I might be a pedophile. Thoughts that my entire life would be over, that I would become a pariah and end up hating myself. And then there's this latest thought—😁this fear that pedophilia will eventually become "normal" to me, that I'll just get used to it like it's nothing. I'm terrified of that possibility too. There isn't an end to what I'm afraid of; if I started listing them all, I wouldn't finish by tomorrow. I feel like I'm the very last person on Earth who should be having these kinds of intrusive thoughts. I have always been so careful around children, they've always been precious to me, and I still feel absolute revulsion when I hear about anyone abusing a child—it still does, even today.
I'm just not clear on myself anymore—good grief, haha... I never dreamed something like this could happen to me, yet here we are.

George Cook said:Does it ever feel awkward when you’re around kids, knowing the inevitable questions from others are coming? "When are you getting married?" or "When are you having kids?" You start anticipating the pressure before they even open their mouths.

It hits differently when you realize that if you're gay, the path to parenthood is often limited to adoption rather than biology.

🤔

It isn't that...
It used to get under my skin quite a bit—honestly, it still irritates me whenever someone asks when I'm going to tie the knot—but these days, I just don't let it weigh on me like I used to.

Lawrence Anderson19 said:I’m telling you, those questions are what if fundamental components of your business plan. If you didn't have a plan, you wouldn't be asking them in the first place.

I realize this is technically against the community guidelines—and I truly mean to respect the rules here—but I find myself needing to ask... when these intrusive thoughts regarding pedophilia cross my mind, is that actually happening to me? It’s a heavy thing to carry, and I just wanted to reach out and see if others have experienced this kind of mental interference.

Lawrence Anderson19 said:It doesn't just vanish on its own. This is an illness that requires treatment from professionals. It isn't a phase that comes and goes; it is a psychological disorder. That question about what happens when the OCD "passes" is actually part of the OCD itself—the dark thoughts, the foreboding, the panic attacks, and the constant speculation. Self-doubt and intense questioning are core components of OCD. Over time, the specific fear regarding pedophilia will likely fade, but a different fear will take its place. It is a continuous cycle.

I certainly realize it’s a vicious cycle that keeps spinning back around. I assume you're suggesting that OCD doesn't simply disappear.
But I wanted to pose this specific question because it’s been weighing heavily on my mind today—just one of those things I can't stop ruminating on.
If the OCD were to pass, and I no longer felt like a pedophile, but then I found myself near a child and experienced sexual arousal just by looking or if I accidentally brushed against them—would that mean I actually *am* one? Because, given how things have been going lately... 🤔
I know I've probably been a bit of a bore to you all—really, I do apologize—but it's hard when my brain refuses to stop asking these questions. This is the final one.

Joseph Jones2 said:Look, I wasn't even worked up about this at first. Honestly, I’m feeling pretty chill right now. But you? You're out here acting like you're in a total crisis—I mean, that's literally what your headline says, you're asking for help. Well, newsflash: I already gave it to you. Maybe I was a little blunt or came on too strong, but you just aren't seeing it because you're choosing to stay in this headspace. It seems like, for some reason, staying stressed actually works for you.

Honestly, I think your whole "cure" boils down to one thing: you just need to get some manual labor in. You know, get your hands dirty and actually work with your body so that—as you put it—your brain finally stops messing with you. That’s really all you need, and honestly? Nothing else.

So, you’ve basically diagnosed yourself with "my brain just loves messing with me," and honestly? I get it. I really do. It’s like there's a tiny, mischievous little gremlin living in your head just waiting for the perfect moment to throw a wrench in your gears. But hey, if you think the cure for that mental chaos is just getting out there and doing some actual, honest-to-god physical labor, I'm not gonna argue with you. Sometimes you just gotta sweat it out to quiet the noise.

And hey, don't forget that old saying—idle hands are the devil's workshop. Honestly, I’d suggest finding some actual work to do; I bet it would do wonders for clearing your head and helping you move past this whole obsession with being a predator.

Well, it’s true—I have an enormous amount of free time on my hands. I'm not employed right now, nor am I in college. So, I just spend the entire day idling around the house, wondering what to do, and in the end, I still don't know. It gets incredibly boring.
But the thing is—even when I actually have things to do or when I am working—my brain still messes with me. That's just how it functions, haha. I don't know how to explain it properly, but there is this tendency for it to just wait until something comes along that I can become obsessed with, or something that makes me imagine I am this or that. Even when I'm busy with work.

Joseph Jones2 said:Are you running some kind of social experiment here to see how people react if you claim to be a pedophile? Just so you know, you can't really "think" you are or aren't one—it's not some sort of mental state where you can sit there observing your own thoughts thinking about whether or not you're thinking those things. You either are or you aren't, and you definitely aren't. But hey, it’s pretty obvious you just love messing around for no reason...

Seriously, go see a psychiatrist tomorrow and tell them you think you're a pedophile. I'd love to see what they do with that.

Total waste of time.

I am not conducting an experiment. It is just my own brain playing tricks on me—it has always had a bit of a mischievous streak, I suppose. I have no intention of seeing a psychiatrist. And honestly, I am not quite sure why you are getting so worked up about this right now? If my posts bother you, then perhaps it would be best to simply look the other way.

Samuel Price6 said:Author, if you ever decide to make the trek to Tibet... that’s where our true wisdom resides. It existed long before our civilization, and it will remain long after we're gone...
What you're actually experiencing is just a chaotic cocktail of distorted perceptions and societal pressures—labels slapped on by a culture drowning in paranoia and fears rooted in pure ignorance.
The US is certainly more advanced than Pakistan, but we still have such a massive gap to bridge before we can truly claim the collective consciousness of a fully developed society...

I’m sorry, but I didn't quite follow what you were getting at here.🙄
Here is the crux of my struggle right now. The folks on this forum have been incredibly helpful—really, they have—but now I'm facing a new hurdle.
My fear is what happens when the symptoms subside—when the OCD finally lets go of me. I worry that once the intrusive thoughts pass, if I were to simply look at or even accidentally brush against a child, I might experience some sort of physical response—some kind of sexual stimulation—and then I would genuinely start to believe I am a pedophile. What if the OCD passes, but the reaction remains?
That is the part that haunts me... the idea that the obsession fades, but the actual sensation occurs..

Lawrence Bailey77 said:Well, that’s easy enough to say... just like how you ignore politicians, degenerates, and the scum of society... how you ignore corruption, the mob, murders, assaults, fraud, lies, wars, slavery, famine, poverty, even cannibalism... I guess it's all possible to just look the other way.☕

Have you actually pulled it off? 😉

Good luck with that! 👍

I will succeed. I won't back down.😁
It is simply because I possess this rather obsessive—and admittedly peculiar—mindset; one that seems specifically wired to find ways to irritate me, or perhaps to drive me toward an obsession with certain matters.
Thank you...

I wanted to say thank you all for your posts. You truly are wonderful people!
I am feeling much, much better now 🙏
I’m going to do my absolute best—really give it my all—to arm myself with positive thoughts... and just try not to give any weight to those obsessive thoughts when they drift through my mind. It’s really just about ignoring them, isn't it?

Donna White50 said:Yeah, when you've got OCD, your brain treats you like a little kid. Since you're constantly thinking about these things in a sexual context, you can end up having fantasies about kids, or whatever else your OCD is fixated on. It's just like how if you imagine certain food, you can almost taste it, smell it, or crave it... similarly, you can pull all sorts of stuff into sexual fantasies, and of course, you can get stimulated—and then naturally, you might misinterpret that stimulation as arousal and get an erection.
So basically, an erection isn't proof that you're attracted to kids, it's just that you're sexually triggered and hypersensitive to stimulation.
Getting an erection doesn't mean you're going to attack a child, just like men aren't going to attack a woman just because she triggers sexual thoughts or an erection.
Just look at how intense and irrational your fear is... did you go out and assault some boy just because you got turned on? Think about it... your mind is playing these brutal, totally irrational games with you.
You aren't a pedophile. If you're feeling some kind of "devilish" sensation that you're interpreting as arousal, that's just anxiety. If you happen to get an erection, it's not because of the kids, it's because you're totally hyper-focused on the sexual sensations you're feeling and you're experiencing arousal based on that...

I could write a whole novel about this, honestly. Because of this stuff, OCD is incredibly hard on patients—it can literally drive you insane. People with OCD disorders end up scrubbing their houses for days because they're terrified of germs, or avoiding men because they're scared they might be gay... it's just that kind of crap...

But could this stop happening once the OCD passes and those thoughts are gone?
Your answers are, as always, fantastic. Thank you so much.👍

Donna White50 said:Just asking. If you know for sure who you're attracted to, then it's totally fine.
That OCD loop is going to hit you a lot. Every time you feel down or get lost in your thoughts, it’ll come back. Your job is to just ignore it... stay mindful of how you handled things today without any issues, and know you'll do the same in the future. If a problem pops up, you'll handle it just like you always have. After working on yourself for a few months, it should fade away...
I'm attracted to women and I'm married, but I love to daydream about all sorts of things, so having fantasies isn't exactly rare for me.

So, yeah... that's the thing about OCD returning. It can always crawl back in the moment you start overthinking.
I have a question...
Is it possible that when you're dealing with OCD, you might feel some sort of physical attraction toward something you aren't actually attracted to? For instance, it didn't happen to me in that specific way, but back when I was struggling with thoughts about animals or family members—which, again, I don't actually desire—there was this sense of... well, arousal. There were even instances of an erection, despite the fact that there was zero actual attraction involved.
I realize how strange this sounds to say out loud... but is it possible?
That is exactly what scares me—the fear that if I'm near children, I might experience an erection, even though that has never happened before. But I do know that during the period when I was plagued by those inappropriate thoughts regarding animals or relatives... it went from mere stimulation to a full physical response.
Could it be that once the OCD finally passes, something like that won't happen anymore? Like, if I were to hug a child, for example, and it wouldn't even cross my mind to worry about such a reaction?

Donna White50 said:But then how can you really know who you're attracted to? And you mentioned struggling with accepting that you're gay...🤔
Like, what specifically draws you to guys versus girls—both physically and emotionally? How long have men been on your radar? Are your fantasies strictly one-way, or do they involve both?
Look, since you tend to overthink things and deal with OCD, it’s super easy to run into sexuality issues that haven't been fully worked through. Without actual physical experience, you aren't really seeing the full picture of how it plays out or which way you lean more... right now, it's all just happening in your head, and we both know how wild the imagination can get...

Just something to chew on. Unresolved questions about your sexuality, combined with unaddressed stuff or past heartbreaks, can seriously mess with how you perceive your own identity. Sexuality is such a massive spectrum—hardly anyone is purely one thing or the other; most people fall somewhere in the middle. Even if you identify as gay, it doesn't mean you won't have certain fantasies or find the opposite sex attractive at times, and vice versa. It's a pretty fluid and interesting thing...

It might actually be worth grabbing a session with a therapist to talk this through...

How can you even know if you're straight before you've ever been intimate? It all comes down to attraction, not necessarily just who you happen to have sex with. There are plenty of straight guys who have experimented with the same sex, and plenty of gay guys who have slept with women. But there is a massive difference between curiosity, experimentation, and genuine, core attraction.
As for me, I always knew I was gay; I've always been drawn to men, while I felt completely indifferent toward women. They just didn't move me.
It's just that I only admitted it to myself much later—but then again, that isn't surprising. Between the social pressures, family expectations, and just general peer groups... well, most gay Americans face that same hurdle.
The truth is, the imagination can conjure anything, but a fantasy is just a fantasy. At the end of the day, you just *know*.. Haha, please don't try to confuse me further on this matter 🤣
Up until now, men have only attracted me sexually; none of them, emotionally speaking—though that makes sense, since I haven't been close to any of them, and you need a relationship for that kind of connection. Once you enter a relationship, that's when the emotional pull really happens.
Women—nothing at all.
If we're talking about fantasies involving the opposite sex, it usually involves some handsome guy and a girl in the scenario. That's about it..
But honestly, it isn't a problem for me anymore.. I know I'm gay, and I've made peace with it. Even if I discover later that I'm bisexual, hey, that just means more options for me 👍

But this is what is weighing on me most heavily right now... I was out running in the park earlier, and I found myself facing my fears. I acted perfectly normal around the children. I felt somewhat relaxed—well, "relaxed-unrelaxed," if that makes sense. I wasn't anxious, I didn't feel bad.. I simply looked at the kids and went about my business.
But as I was heading back, my OCD kicked in again, making me worry that I would start imagining perverse thoughts about children in my head. Even though, to this point, I haven't done that.

Lawrence Anderson19 said:Go see a psychiatrist. They will explain what's going on and prescribe medication that should help you feel better.

I have no interest in taking drugs. And frankly—and I mean this quite sincerely—I don't think a psychiatrist would even be able to grasp the nature of this particular issue if I were to tell them.

Michael Diaz6 said:You really asked him "when was the last time you had sex"?
Maybe he can't answer because he's doing it right this second. 😂

He isn't joking around, I just turned the topic into a joke myself, though it wasn't entirely a joke..
By acting like he's "not serious," I'm basically taking the weight out of what he's saying so he realizes how ridiculous he sounds...
and eventually he'll stop.

It's actually more like therapy than a joke...
I guess I just realized he’s already in treatment. 😁

I can tell you right now that the treatment is working. As much as you've irritated me by turning this entire discussion into a farce and refusing to take things seriously, 😁 you've actually improved my mood enough that, even if only for a fleeting second, I am not thinking about it.

Donna White50 said:So wait, if you aren't going all out, how exactly are you handling things down there? lol...🤣
Hahaha...
The guy's just messing with us—I asked him when he last hooked up and he totally dodged the question, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know...🍿

I'm not joking... well, not entirely.
What I meant was... I haven't been in a relationship, nor have I had sex with anyone, regardless of gender.