@Gestapo, glad you're finally seeing some progress 😉
@wildbabe, thanks! I actually read one of his books a while back—can't remember the title—and it really hit home. I’ll definitely hunt this one down 🙂
I've decided to just stick with my degree and see where it leads 🤷. I don't have the energy for more drama at home with my "deviations." I'll just keep it all bottled up like I always do since nobody in my family or friend group gets it—or maybe they just don't want to. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and all that nonsense.
Anyway, I won't clog up your feeds anymore. Thanks for the replies, everyone 🙂
thanks everyone 🙂 but 🙂 I really don't feel like talking about this with people from the USA, so I guess you guys are stuck with me 😛
So.... I already said I don't want to see a psychiatrist or anything.. but my mom already set an appointment for Monday, so now I have to go 😢 whatever.. Fax!!! I haven't passed a single exam.. I don't even know if I'll get all my credits.. I HAVE ZERO MOTIVATION FOR THE SUMMER SESSION! I already know I'm going to fail everything and I just won't care.. Honestly, I'd rather just quit for now and start over next year (in the fall) because I know it's not going to work.. I just have no willpower...
But I don't know how to tell my parents.. because even though they know what I'm going through, somehow.. as long as you're still going to college, there's this impression that "everything is fine," but if I stop going now, it's different... then I'm labeled as the crazy girl who won't go to school..... I don't want to.. disappoint them, how can I say it differently.. my stomach is already knotting up just thinking about having to attend lectures.. I don't have social phobia (I think I'm social, I go out and stuff) but I hate college and I feel like a total loser there because I'm failing and I just don't care about anything..(while everyone else is talking about exams, lectures, etc.) and I have this "all or nothing" mindset—like, right now I don't feel like going to campus, but I want everything to be perfect, to go there with energy, to study, to write papers, to pull an A... instead of just "existing" and showing up just to say I was there....
So I'd much rather just fail the year right now, take some time off to get treated properly, find some random job to do (so I don't feel like a complete idiot) and return to college when I'm actually "ready"...
But I'm terrified of what if I'm NEVER ready? What if it stays like this forever?
I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to tell my parents that I'm incapable of studying right now? I feel so much guilt because I know there are tons of people who either couldn't enroll in what they wanted (and I could) or don't have the money for college even though they want to, or don't even have money for food or whatever, while I have every opportunity... yet I have all these mental issues that I'm dumping on my family 😢 and that makes me feel like an ungrateful brat and a loser. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe I just need good therapy to get myself back on track and then continue where I left off? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE? Which one is true? Am I LAZY or am I being RATIONAL? 🤷
The problem is that I took a break last year (and went to a psychiatrist who didn't help) and every single night I dreamed about college and felt guilty for not going, even though I damn well couldn't because I was depressed and losing my mind. Basically—if I don't go to college, I feel like a loser, and if I do go, it's the same thing because I'm incapable and unmotivated and I end up feeling like a loser again 😢 😢 😢 advice? 😛
Linda Bailey said:You aren't incapable of finishing college; you're just stuck in a brutal phase right now. I was in a nearly identical spot, except I sought out therapy on my own, and I don't have a father to deal with, even though mine is alive. I had massive panic attacks, felt like there was no way out, hated school, and would vomit for a week straight, then eat for a few days, then disappear for ten days... the cycle was endless. My advice is to get back into therapy. It works long-term, but only if you actually want it to. Don't quit school. Just freeze the semester. As for work, I spent half a year waitressing; I wouldn't recommend it to anyone if you can't handle it, and I couldn't. But for me, it was the push I needed to find a better job so I could balance school and work the following year. Try looking for something like an office assistant or a receptionist role. I've been exactly where you are, and I won't lie and say everything will magically fix itself overnight—that takes work. I actually paid for my own therapy, so I took any job I could find to start, and eventually, the therapy helped me become capable enough to study, get a better job, and actually feel some self-respect. Good luck, babe👍
Ugh, thanks.🙂 But what if this "season" lasts forever? Like, my whole life? lol😲 Are you okay now? I mean, did therapy actually help you that much?
I know, sometimes I think, "Come on, girl, it's better to go to college than spend your whole life waiting tables" (no offense to servers, it's not a bad job, just not for me)😉. The problem is, when I'm depressed, I'M IN TOTAL PAIN. Like, who cares if I'll "have enough to eat" in a few years or not, or if I'll even be alive? (sorry for being so dramatic) So that motivator—thinking it's better to study than work—doesn't really do anything for me...
Can you please describe your therapy a little? Did you see a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Was it group therapy? Were you on meds...? I'm asking because I've lost hope that anyone can actually help me, and I honestly just want to stay silent about my problems for the rest of my life since nobody understands me... except, uh, here on this forum where I harass you all with my nonsense🙈 so if you could give me even a little bit of hope that things get better, I'd really appreciate it.😘
Kimberly Ruiz84 said:I'm taking some Citallon, though I'm no expert on pharmaceuticals. I can't seem to start studying; I just get this wave of dread and anxiety. It feels like I haven't cleared all the mental clutter, yet I'm expected to sit there and focus on equations. When I try to study, it feels like thirty minutes of pure, superhuman effort just to stay focused while my mind wanders everywhere. Eating isn't an issue anymore. I dealt with that disorder toward the end of high school and during my early college years—about three or four years total. I was just using food to fill the void and combat boredom. It wasn't bulimia or anorexia; if I recall, you mentioned you don't struggle with those either. I just felt like bingeing was the only way to cope with everything. Once life started piling on responsibilities I didn't particularly enjoy, I still handled them regularly, and gradually, my brain stopped relying on overeating as a crutch. There were days when I’d binge uncontrollably and then not eat for the next two days, but I moved past it slowly. Don't set massive goals right out of the gate. Honestly, quitting hadn't even crossed my mind back then; I was too depressed to care. Eventually, I got buried under obligations—not by choice, but simply because I physically didn't have the downtime to be alone and binge. Before I knew it, the urge had vanished. This might sound frustrating to you, but look, I'm probably not an expert enough to offer real help. I think I just traded the bingeing for something else; the depression and anxiety shifted into physical symptoms, like chest pains and tension headaches that spike whenever I need to concentrate. Maybe you won't see yourself in this, and maybe I haven't helped, but I did it my way.
I'm glad you stopped the bingeing!!! 😉 but I'm sorry to hear about those chest pains and the headaches.. 😢 is talking to a psychiatrist helping at all?
I don't want to lecture you, but I'll tell you what I do regarding concentrating for studying.. whenever I have to study, I get that same feeling of "oh my god, how am I going to get through all this/learn it all, where do I even begin?" You say you get chills and fear because you can't focus since you haven't cleared your head—well, that's exactly why you should go study and STOP WORRYING about how much you'll remember, if you'll pass the exam, etc. Just tell yourself that STUDYING WILL FREE YOU, meaning you won't have the time to dwell on your problems🙂 and eventually things will STICK in your head, you'll remember, you'll get it down and see results (like passing an exam), and that'll boost your self-confidence, blah blah blah.😍
Personally, I LOVE studying, but unfortunately, I couldn't use that "therapy" right now because I had to write these stupid papers which wasted two weeks of my life. Because of that, I didn't have time to study for all six exams in one week, which sent me into a depression because I'm an "all or nothing" type of person—basically, I'd rather fail everything and leave it for summer school than settle for a C. lol.
@George Smith2, you really set the mood with that story 🙂 I'm glad it worked for you, sounds like a blast! If everything else goes to hell, maybe I'll give it a shot too :P
@Kimberly Ruiz84, what antidepressants are you on? The only thing keeping me sane regarding college is the thought that (theoretically) if I actually start feeling better (by some miracle), I can dive straight into studying the second semester the moment it starts. Then I'll crush everything from the second semester once the term ends, leaving my whole summer free to study for the retakes and finally clear this first semester mess.. Which exam did you take? And sorry, I have to ask—I’ve never actually met a guy dealing with an eating disorder (it's always been mostly girls..), so if you don't mind sharing, how did it manifest for you and how are you doing now?
Guys, please just don't tell me to "pull myself together." I'm allergic to that advice because it feels like people assume I'm just being lazy, when in reality, things are genuinely heavy inside, just like George Smith2 said.. "clearly whoever says that has never felt like they just don't want to live anymore."
David Nelson74 said:Maybe try handing out flyers at the local community college near $6.75 during class breaks. You can find plenty of listings on Craigslist. Also, check out Indeed; there are tons of job openings there that don't require a specific degree or certification.
Are you avoiding waitressing because of anxiety disorders—too much social interaction—or do you just feel like it's beneath you?
It’s not beneath me, lol. I tried waiting tables for about two weeks and I was just terrible at it. 😛I can't balance myself when walking, I'm clumsy with a tray, and my mental math is trash—I can't handle calculating change on the fly. 😁
Thanks for all the input, everyone. 🙂I'm still pretty lost and honestly have no clue what my next move should be... we'll see.....
Hey, I’ve posted on this forum before, but I’ll recap briefly. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. I'm 22, a sophomore in college, and my family situation—specifically with my father—is probably 70% of why I'm such a wreck (the rest I attribute to genetics and a fried brain)...
Between the chaos at home and my mental health, I have absolutely tanked this semester. I've missed so much class that I don't even know if I'll get all my credits signed off by the Registrar's Office. I haven't passed a single one of my six exams. I’m supposed to go try to take at least two next week, but honestly, I don't even know if I have the willpower. I actually love what I'm studying, but I HATE COLLEGE. I hate being there. My sleep is a mess, so I skip lectures because I can't fall asleep until late and end up sleeping through the morning.
Last year, I finally hit a breaking point and took a gap year. I started seeing a psychiatrist, but it didn't do anything. She put me on Sulpiride (useless), Sanval, and Normabal for sleep, but none of it works either. I stopped seeing her because there was zero progress. I really should find a new psychiatrist and start seeing a psychologist... but I've lost faith that anyone can actually help me. I just don't have the energy. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore because nobody understands me, nobody takes me seriously, and nobody gets what I'm talking about (I know, sounds pathetic 😁 ). I just want everyone to leave me alone so I can just exist until I die or get hit by a car or something.
Because of the family issues, we even tried family therapy, but I'm done with that too because I don't believe anything will change. My old man is an idiot. He’s fine and acting normal most of the time, but a few times a year he just snaps, loses it, and makes life miserable for all of us. It isn't physical, but there's always the possibility he might turn violent in a rage; there have been scenes where he was chasing my mom around the house, and in the last "episode," he almost got into a physical fight with my brother.
I used drugs back in high school, then I quit, but lately, I've started again. I've also started drinking. I constantly think about and plan suicide because I'm just done with this life of depression and the constant guilt over food. It's not anorexia, per se, but rather periods where I binge, followed by periods where I only drink juice. Basically, I just hate myself whenever I eat anything.
Anyway... I don't believe anyone can help me anymore. I've reached my limit and I want to drop out of college because I'm clearly incapable of finishing. I have zero motivation and I feel like a total failure.
I just want to move away (I have no idea where) and find a job (I don't know what kind since I only have a high school diploma). I just want to run away from everything when I clearly don't even have the will to help myself, yet I don't have the guts to kill myself (for now).
Does anyone have advice on where to find a job (that isn't waiting tables, lol) and an apartment? I know, I'm asking for the impossible 😛
😢 I honestly don't give a damn but I am completely screwed. I have no idea what I want out of life. I don't know what to do with myself, my college degree, or my future... I just don't know. I’ve been spiraling again. All I want to do is run until I drop dead, but that takes too long. I want to drop out of this program because I couldn't care less about it, and maybe enroll in something else. Psychology, maybe. Yeah. Psychology. But what if I fail this year? I have zero motivation to study. I have zero motivation to even live. Part of me just wants to end it all, but I'm too much of a coward. A pathetic, terrified coward. I am so done with everything. This empty life, this nothingness, this "everything." This endless daily bullshit, both by myself and with everyone else. I wasn't ready to go back to campus. God... why was I even born??? I need to be locked up in a psych ward. Put me in a hospital, pump me full of meds, and lock me away because I'm going to kill myself sooner or later. I'm going to kill myself, kill myself, kill myself
And it’s freaking snowing outside. God, I hate this damn snow. I can't sleep and I'm on edge. Just pissed off and bloated. To hell with it. I want to run away from here. ESCAPE!!! I hate my life. I hate every single second of it. It's disgusting and filthy. Gross. Gross. Gross.
That’s a heavy question—honestly, I find myself asking the same thing every single day. What’s the point of all this? This daily grind... does any of it actually matter? Is there some kind of deeper value to it all, or are we just spinning our wheels?
Roger Morgan2 said:So I’ve been scrolling through your posts for a bit, and I can’t help but notice how much everyone here seems to be crying their eyes out. For some reason, I just can't seem to do that—not even before I was on antidepressants, and honestly, not really now that I am either. Is it possible I'm just suppressing everything, or do I actually lack emotions altogether? 😕 While everyone else is having their big emotional breakdowns, I’m just sitting here totally numb 😕 why does it work like this? 🙂 Sometimes I feel like I'm just completely heartless 🤷 Anyone got a smart explanation for this?
You aren't heartless. 😘 If you were, you wouldn't need to be on antidepressants in the first place. 😛
I go through phases where I won't cry for six months straight, and then other times I'm practically weeping every single day. 🤷
The publisher is NBC, and since it’s a brand new release, you should be able to track it down at any local bookstore easily. I actually just grabbed a copy from the public library, but if you want to own it, you can pick it up online via www.amazon.com for $50 🙂
I honestly feel like crying right now... but I just can't 😂 I already cried my eyes out on Monday... it was brutal 😛
I finally got my referral for a psychologist and a new psychiatrist. Now comes the part where I actually have to call them and show up... and god, I just don't have the energy. But I know I have to, otherwise I'm going to end up 🙂
Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? 😍 Because I am going to nag you about it until you actually go 🙂 or until you miraculously (fingers crossed!) start feeling better on your own!!!!
I usually take two Normabels and then hit a Sanval ten minutes later before heading to bed. Lately, it’s actually been working 🙂 Does anyone know if Praxiten is anything like Normabel?
You’ve been totally MIA from the forum lately.... does that mean you’re actually feeling better?? How have things been going these past few days?? I really hope you're staying away because you're finally recovering... haha... because honestly, I am not... I feel absolutely terrible... just sitting here nursing this headache all by myself....
Anyway, just hit me up whenever you catch this post... Love ya, kiss kiss
and Maca 😢 sorry you're feeling so crappy..
I'm not doing any better either lol. I read the forum but I can't even bring myself to type anything.. I've been crying a lot lately too.. on the phone to friends, even in front of my parents and brother lol. Right now I'm in that "should I stay or should I go" phase, he he, I just want to end it all but they won't let me, they're forcing me into some new therapy and hopefully some psychiatrist who will actually give me MEDS because this depression is unbearable 👎 At college I feel like a total idiot because I can't keep up, I don't want to keep up, I don't want to study statistics, and I sure as hell don't want to write papers.... is there a smiley face here for hysterical crying? lol 😛
But why are you crying, Maca? Is there some specific "reason" you can point to, or do you just start sobbing for no reason at all?
gentlefox18 said:I honestly feel like people in this world carry far too much influence over one another, especially since they seem to have no concept of the weight of their actions or the damage they can inflict. Take a former classmate of mine, for example. pick on him relentlessly, yet if I were to step in and defend him, I’d likely end up being targeted and insulted right along with him. I find myself searching for just one decent person—someone who actually understands the gravity of what they're doing—but there's nobody to be found... I look around and I simply can't believe it. It's baffling how people can be so incredibly thoughtless, failing to use even a shred of logic or consider how their behavior affects someone else. Out of a hundred people, I can't find a single soul with any empathy. Then I come home, replay the whole scene in my head, and wonder again. It makes me genuinely worried about where this country is headed. Of course, I’ve been guilty of hurting someone before, but never for sport; it was driven by pure malice. Honestly, seeing someone suffer like that fills me with such intense regret that it feels as though the pain is happening to me personally. Where are these people supposed to turn for help? To a psychiatrist who witnesses these exact scenarios every single day, amidst the tragic reality of the suicide rates we see, or should they just be left to rot? Try stepping into their shoes for a moment; imagine being mocked by everyone around you multiple times a day, and then have some stranger act like they just landed from outer space, acting shocked that people resort to suicide. I truly hope there are still enough good people left in America who actually think about the consequences of their actions.
Kasipus hit the nail on the head 👍 I truly believe it's just "mob mentality." In reality, NO ONE in your class would ever go out of their way to harass that kid if they were alone—they wouldn't even feel the need to. BUT, once they bunch up, bullying becomes "fun"... I have to admit, I did the same thing back in high school 😛 but... it wasn't out of "malice," it was more out of boredom or just being clueless...
If that person (or anyone else) had approached me one-on-one and said, "George Garcia9, stop acting like that, it's not okay," I probably would have said, "Look, you're right, I'm done..." That’s likely how it works in your class too. They aren't necessarily "evil"; they're just immature and DON'T THINK about how much it HURTS that kid.
TRY TALKING TO THEM individually. Go to the people picking on him and tell them it's IMMATURE, PATHETIC, and STUPID. But you have to say it when they are ALONE, because I really BELIEVE that deep down, most people are actually "good" and empathetic, and you CAN explain things to them when they aren't part of a pack. Once you flip a few of them and they stop participating, the momentum dies. It stops being "cool," and the bullying will taper off because it won't be the MAJORITY anymore. But you have to reach them INDIVIDUALLY. There's little point in trying to defend him while the entire crowd is attacking him at once, though I suppose it's something...
Ugh, girl, I seriously had such a massive depressive episode yesterday 😢 😢 😢 I don't even know why... I just totally snapped. I was just numb, crying my eyes out, feeling like I couldn't even go on 😁 and obviously, I just binged on cookies all night 🙄 Anyway... I woke up today and it's actually sunny out. I need to pull myself together.. I have to head over to study for my midterm tomorrow.. trying to act "normal".. and then tomorrow I have plans to go out too, so I have to be all bubbly and stuff, blah blah.... when honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed all day, smoke, and blast Amy Winehouse ☕
CONGRATS!!!! 🎉 🎉 🎉 👋 you should be incredibly proud of yourself—let that feeling fuel you to keep pushing forward just like this 👍
You hit the nail on the head there. Self-awareness is everything. You have to be conscious of every single thought and KICK OUT every "evil" impulse that creeps in. Like, give a kick to the little devil on your shoulder telling you to "just binge eat and pass out" or "you can't handle this." You’ve got to toss those thoughts in the trash at 3 PM before they ever turn into actual actions. Personally, staying slammed with work helps me; between my job and classes, I honestly don't even have the headspace for "dark thoughts" 😛
Honestly, my psychiatrist is a total joke 👎 I'll just handle this myself because I really DON'T feel like hunting for a new doctor right now, plus I have zero free time...
I'm seriously glad you had better luck with psychiatrists than I did!!! 🙂
I'm actually doing okay right now because I'm buried in schoolwork, so I forget how much of a mess I am, haha. Guess there's some actual use for college after all...
I'm really glad you're feeling better 😉 just keep fighting and pushing through, it’ll all be worth it in the end!! good luck this weekend YOU GOT THIS!! 👍
And yeah, what you said about how bulimia just "pulls you back in"... honestly, I had an eating disorder episode two years ago. I started hanging out on those pro-ana sites and blogs and became completely obsessed. Every time I ate anything, I just started hating myself....
So I stopped visiting those pages. Then, after about six months, I gained weight, but mentally I felt "fine" and decided to start losing it the "healthy" way: dieting, working out, staying positive... BUT then I went right back to those blogs and they pulled me under again. I got obsessed all over again, stopped eating, and even though I lost as much weight as I planned, I still looked fat to myself... I seriously thought I was stronger than that kind of mindset, but clearly I wasn't 😁
You made a great point about believing in yourself and in what's good, and not punishing yourself 🙂 that part is a little harder for me 🙄 I'm only "happy" with myself if I don't eat, and if I actually eat something, I "punish" myself by overeating 😁 like, "here you go, you fat bitch, now just gorge yourself and hate yourself even more" 😠 I really need to work on that...
You mentioned God. I'm not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe in God. I'm not sure if I believe He is "within" us or "outside" of us, but I believe He can help us if we try to help ourselves 😉 and if you're a true believer—that's awesome!! find strength in Him, trust Him, and lean on Him when things get toughest. We all have some kind of "mission" in life, and I truly believe our mission is to OVERCOME our disorders, learn from them, and become better, more compassionate people 🙂
Sending lots of luck for this weekend, kisses!!!!! 😘
Alright, look, based on the self-help books I've actually read, I can recommend a few things:
"Depression: How to Escape Your Own Prison" by Dorothy Rowe
"Awareness" by Anthony de Mello
"The power of your subconscious" by Joseph Murphy
"live your whole life" by Norman Vincent Peale
"power of intention" by Wayne Dyer
That first one about depression is great; it makes you look at yourself and the root causes of how you're feeling in a totally different way. The second one is awesome too because it kind of snaps you out of that self-pity loop (plus it's short 😉 I have it as a PDF, so if you DM me, I can email it to you)
As for the last three, they’re a bit "New Age," but I actually love that stuff, haha. It’s basically that philosophy of "think positive and tell yourself 'I CAN DO THIS' before bed." It really helped me get moving and start believing in myself back when I was dealing with massive anxiety and zero confidence... so, head to the library, and if you stumble upon any other good ones, let me know 🙂
It's a shame you aren't comfortable with English, because there are some really solid recovery sites out there—at least they seem that way to me...
You know what? The most important thing is that you actually like this psychologist! That matters so much!! You need to feel comfortable talking to her and knowing she's actually listening. Everything is in our heads anyway, and until we realize that (and say it out loud), nothing changes... just go see her. There might be times when it feels like it isn't working, but it will get better. Like you said yourself, nothing fixes overnight 😉
I know bulimia is incredibly tough because it creates this "addiction" to purging (at least that's how I understood it from friends dealing with the same thing). But like you said—this is our fight, and the winner is whoever refuses to quit. And that's us!!!!!!
I think there's a specific thread on the women's forum about bulimia, so maybe reach out to those girls if you haven't already; someone there might have some actual useful advice.
All I can tell you is that old proverb: "Fall seven times, stand up eight!!" Meaning, don't give up and don't hate yourself when you stumble, because it's "normal" that you won't break a habit instantly or overnight. Try telling yourself, "I'm not going to purge for 7 days," make that your life mission, and then REWARD yourself when you succeed. Next time, aim for two weeks, then a month... and if you slip up—get back up and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stop believing in yourself!!! 😉
I think you have a strong enough desire and willpower to fight and win. Just keep fighting and don't quit; it'll be worth it... yeah, it's going to be "bloody" and there will be brutal days... but you've already survived so much, you can handle this 👍
Let me know how it's going. Hope you have a nice (rainy) day 😘