Student-teacher dynamics vs. parent-teacher dynamics
in Students & Teens ·
I don't believe what the teacher in the opening post said was right, but I do think situations like this can absolutely happen. Honestly, I am just shocked by these outbursts about quitting and the general lack of tolerance—and the failure to grasp what it actually means to be an educator.
When I say that things like this can occur, I am speaking from the perspective of everything a teacher endures in a single day, a month, or even a year. That context is something only those working in the American school system can truly understand. I see where Persefona is coming from; in a school setting, you encounter situations where you either snap entirely—just like this mentioned teacher did—or you simply try to emotionally detach and work just to survive from bell to bell, because you honestly don't know any other way to protect your own mental health.
When I first started teaching, my very first job, my first period class was an 8th grade group. The first thing they asked me was what kind of car I drove, because they were already talking about how they wanted to beat it up or slash my tires. Every time a class ended and I would walk down the hallway, they’d follow me, making comments about how much they’d love to push me down the stairs... One particular student didn't bring a notebook or a textbook for the entire year. Instead, he spent the whole hour interrupting with questions about whether I was wearing thongs or regular panties, what my first wedding night was like, what my bra size was, and so on. Of course, you ignore it and try not to let it get to you, but the misery, sadness, and frustration just build up inside you. That same little boy, who never brought a single piece of school supplies to class, happened to enroll in the high school where my husband teaches. Later, my husband found out from the school counselor that the boy's mother—as soon as she realized the teacher was my husband—came into the school ahead of time to complain that the man would take his frustrations out on her son just because I was his teacher. So, the mother was fully aware of what her child had been doing all through 8th grade; she never apologized, she defended him constantly, and she even went to accuse a professor she didn't even know of premeditated bias against her kid.
My husband isn't that type of person and it would never cross his mind, and fortunately, everyone at his school knows that too, so the whole ordeal ended there.
And you experience situations like that—more or less terrible ones—almost every single day. It is completely understandable if you snap somewhere, no matter how hard you try to stay calm and fair.
What is most tragic is being acutely aware that these children aren't inherently "bad"; the blame lies with their parents and the upbringing they receive at home. When a 6th grader asks you what you think you're doing, implying they have an iPhone that costs more than your entire salary, or when a 1st grader tells you that once they grow up they'll only finish as much school as they absolutely have to because they won't need it—since they'll inherit their dad's corporation and have endless money and no one can touch them—you don't know whether to pity the child or not. Because it's clear to you that such statements didn't just pop into their heads out of nowhere; you know exactly where they came from. You cannot expect respect from a child who listens to a constant stream of disparaging remarks toward schools and teachers at home. When you hear a 3rd grader telling her friend in the restroom that her mom is going to get this English teacher fired because they gave them a third test this week, well, what else can you expect??
Parents show so little respect for the teaching profession, and they pass that attitude straight down to their kids. We were recently discussing how we see coaches at sports practice calling kids names like "dummy," "goose," or "lazybones"... and the parents don't even react. Hardly anyone sees it as a tragedy. Why? I don't know. Is a coach somehow a bigger deal than a teacher? Why is a coach valued more than a professor who is killing themselves to ensure your child actually learns something?
In such a toxic atmosphere, it is incredibly difficult to keep a cool head, to always remain poised, and to watch every word you say. There are times when perfectly valid words spoken by a frustrated parent can be twisted and interpreted as being malicious or directed against their "precious angel"...
I am saying, I don't think what the teacher in the intro post said was right; it was completely wrong, of course. But I also don't see any reason for this level of rage or these declarations of quitting. I just don't understand where all this hatred and disrespect comes from toward the people who spend the majority of their days with your child—people who, for the most part, are working their asses off to teach them something and to show them love, understanding, and fairness. And in return, all they get is total mockery.
I have to ask myself: why has it become perfectly acceptable nowadays to receive an apology from a parent in the form of a torn scrap of paper ripped straight from a spiral notebook? It just says, "Please excuse my child from 5th period on Tuesday; they have a dentist appointment." There isn't even a "hello," no "thank you," no signature—not even a proper piece of stationery!
Furthermore, why is there such collective shock in the teachers' lounge when a student actually shows a modicum of respect by handing us a card addressed to "Dear Professor"? Why has basic decency been rebranded as something strange? Why has the normal become the abnormal?
And most importantly, why is it so difficult for people to grasp that in such a toxic, unhealthy environment, mistakes are bound to happen? We are human beings; we stumble, we say things we know are wrong, and we feel genuine remorse for it afterward.
When I say that things like this can occur, I am speaking from the perspective of everything a teacher endures in a single day, a month, or even a year. That context is something only those working in the American school system can truly understand. I see where Persefona is coming from; in a school setting, you encounter situations where you either snap entirely—just like this mentioned teacher did—or you simply try to emotionally detach and work just to survive from bell to bell, because you honestly don't know any other way to protect your own mental health.
When I first started teaching, my very first job, my first period class was an 8th grade group. The first thing they asked me was what kind of car I drove, because they were already talking about how they wanted to beat it up or slash my tires. Every time a class ended and I would walk down the hallway, they’d follow me, making comments about how much they’d love to push me down the stairs... One particular student didn't bring a notebook or a textbook for the entire year. Instead, he spent the whole hour interrupting with questions about whether I was wearing thongs or regular panties, what my first wedding night was like, what my bra size was, and so on. Of course, you ignore it and try not to let it get to you, but the misery, sadness, and frustration just build up inside you. That same little boy, who never brought a single piece of school supplies to class, happened to enroll in the high school where my husband teaches. Later, my husband found out from the school counselor that the boy's mother—as soon as she realized the teacher was my husband—came into the school ahead of time to complain that the man would take his frustrations out on her son just because I was his teacher. So, the mother was fully aware of what her child had been doing all through 8th grade; she never apologized, she defended him constantly, and she even went to accuse a professor she didn't even know of premeditated bias against her kid.
My husband isn't that type of person and it would never cross his mind, and fortunately, everyone at his school knows that too, so the whole ordeal ended there.
And you experience situations like that—more or less terrible ones—almost every single day. It is completely understandable if you snap somewhere, no matter how hard you try to stay calm and fair.
What is most tragic is being acutely aware that these children aren't inherently "bad"; the blame lies with their parents and the upbringing they receive at home. When a 6th grader asks you what you think you're doing, implying they have an iPhone that costs more than your entire salary, or when a 1st grader tells you that once they grow up they'll only finish as much school as they absolutely have to because they won't need it—since they'll inherit their dad's corporation and have endless money and no one can touch them—you don't know whether to pity the child or not. Because it's clear to you that such statements didn't just pop into their heads out of nowhere; you know exactly where they came from. You cannot expect respect from a child who listens to a constant stream of disparaging remarks toward schools and teachers at home. When you hear a 3rd grader telling her friend in the restroom that her mom is going to get this English teacher fired because they gave them a third test this week, well, what else can you expect??
Parents show so little respect for the teaching profession, and they pass that attitude straight down to their kids. We were recently discussing how we see coaches at sports practice calling kids names like "dummy," "goose," or "lazybones"... and the parents don't even react. Hardly anyone sees it as a tragedy. Why? I don't know. Is a coach somehow a bigger deal than a teacher? Why is a coach valued more than a professor who is killing themselves to ensure your child actually learns something?
In such a toxic atmosphere, it is incredibly difficult to keep a cool head, to always remain poised, and to watch every word you say. There are times when perfectly valid words spoken by a frustrated parent can be twisted and interpreted as being malicious or directed against their "precious angel"...
I am saying, I don't think what the teacher in the intro post said was right; it was completely wrong, of course. But I also don't see any reason for this level of rage or these declarations of quitting. I just don't understand where all this hatred and disrespect comes from toward the people who spend the majority of their days with your child—people who, for the most part, are working their asses off to teach them something and to show them love, understanding, and fairness. And in return, all they get is total mockery.
I have to ask myself: why has it become perfectly acceptable nowadays to receive an apology from a parent in the form of a torn scrap of paper ripped straight from a spiral notebook? It just says, "Please excuse my child from 5th period on Tuesday; they have a dentist appointment." There isn't even a "hello," no "thank you," no signature—not even a proper piece of stationery!
Furthermore, why is there such collective shock in the teachers' lounge when a student actually shows a modicum of respect by handing us a card addressed to "Dear Professor"? Why has basic decency been rebranded as something strange? Why has the normal become the abnormal?
And most importantly, why is it so difficult for people to grasp that in such a toxic, unhealthy environment, mistakes are bound to happen? We are human beings; we stumble, we say things we know are wrong, and we feel genuine remorse for it afterward.