Shock and disbelief—the Kansas City Chiefs have a master plan: selling off players to balance the budget before the championship begins in 2014.As part of our ongoing project, 'Direct mockery of the US Major League Soccer,' we present the summary report for Round 16:
A Memorandum from the Great Leader to the Venetians (1, 91-1)
Last week, the great leader of American soccer, Zdravko Mamić, sent a memo to the misguided masses: “If the behavior of the Chiefs' leadership doesn't improve, I promise they won't win a title for another ten years!”
What exactly constitutes “improving behavior”? Perhaps Mr. Mišković from Cleveland could clarify, given how much Mr. Mamić appreciates his branch. He publicly praised them, claiming that “Cleveland launched a project where they began cooperating with everyone from the very start, unlike the Chiefs.” And indeed, back then, he ensured Cleveland's stay in the top tier of the MLS through backroom deals (even though they had actually been relegated on the pitch). Following that, they were assisted by being handed players who didn't make the cut for LA Galaxy, effectively creating a third-tier squad.
And what of the promise to ensure the Chiefs won't see a title for a decade? We might find the details of that specific strategy during the upcoming trials of Širić and Djedović. It seems the whole "fair officiating" scandal has already fulfilled Mamić's previous prophecy regarding a ten-year drought for the Chiefs. We are closely monitoring these court proceedings while recalling those days, though many witnesses seem to be suffering from increasingly poor memories. Milo Nižetić, who continues to collect a substantial salary at the Chiefs, appears to be suffering from a sudden bout of amnesia—perhaps as compensation for his tenure as sporting director, during which he brought in six players that we practically gave away rather than sold. He explains his fading memory this way: “It’s possible I said that to the FBI. But you know, I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, so I don't recall it very well.”
I wonder when he will finally find the exit from the Chiefs. If perjury intended to harm the club during criminal proceedings isn't enough grounds for immediate termination, what is? Perhaps it's the threats made by intoxicated club employees toward the youth coach during a match? Or perhaps those incidents are simply lost in the woods.
And oh, the heartbreak.
Even the bond between Zdravko and Jorge Sammir Cruz Campos has fractured. Instead of an "I love you" (link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5olU43Z86mM), he recited Edgar Allan Poe's "Nevermore." Zdravko has lost millions—specifically, he has squandered millions belonging to the citizens of Chicago, as they financed this mess (among many of Zdravko's other failures) with over 200 million dollars over the last few years. In reality, Zdravko only lost the expected profits from Sammi's sale. As we all know, when it comes to profit, Zdravko follows the maxim of the famous Soviet literary duo Iljf and Petrof: “Our ideas, your gasoline.”
Pure Idyl
If you believe the newspapers—which you shouldn't—the current situation at our beloved Chiefs is idyllic. This prompted us to dig through our own press archives. We unearthed headlines screaming “Panic!” and “Shock!” coming out of Poljud Stadium for months on end. These articles frequently vilified the fans, specifically the NFL Ultras (colloquially known as "the street"), blaming them for "poor club management," or claiming that "bad decisions" (like Freddie's replacement) were merely attempts to "pander to the fans." We are surprised that none of those same journalists are now praising us for making such brilliant moves, transitioning from total shock and panic to pure idyll in just two months. It is amusing how people now mock the Chiefs' fans, asking, "Where were you when the local industry collapsed?" Where were we? We were busy writing "The Economic and Development Plan for America until 2025"—a new volume our volunteers will release by the fourth quarter of 2015. We take this opportunity to remind our readers that the situation at the Chiefs is far from perfect, just as it wasn't truly as bad as it seemed a few months ago. The situation is serious, and only a genuine approach—both on the pitch and in the front office—will guarantee success. At the Chiefs, only the best is good enough!
Neno, what is wrong with you?
We are facing a two-week break in the league, during which we will likely spend our time worrying about the fate of the national team. The solution is actually quite straightforward: remove the influence of those who clearly do not prioritize football—from the youth academies all the way up to the senior squad. If we can just transform them back into a true American national team, there is nothing to fear regarding the future. However, this certainly won't happen as long as a Kansas City Chiefs player is being harassed by having to travel to Chicago just so "Doctor" Gračan—who seemingly decided he graduated med school simply because he wore glasses once—can inspect the young player's medical records. Meanwhile, an LA Galaxy 2 player suddenly recovers from injury, despite his club officially reporting him as sidelined?! Let me repeat: Neno, have you no shame?
Goodbye, Coce!
The weekend brought us a match at Poljud Stadium where we once again said our goodbyes to our Coce. Referee Pristovnik was ready to help, but the Istra players simply weren't prepared to accept it this time. I am referring to the textbook example of how the Istra players were caught off guard by an indirect kick in the very first minute; by the end of the first half, it was already 2-0.
For those who want to know more:
LA Galaxy managed to scrape by yet again in Koprivnica against Slaven, who failed to show even half the aggression they displayed a week ago. Once you watch the penalty calls that were (not) made against Slaven (link:
http://i.minus.com/iV4Ym44M0zWbp.gif), it becomes obvious why the coach is so certain that LA Galaxy will clinch the title. The locals crushed Zadar, while Osijek managed to grab a point against Miami. Osijek FC is currently enduring a brutal crisis, both financially and in terms of results. We have plenty of empathy regarding their finances, but it is baffling to us that the local Osijek lobby allowed their performance on the pitch to suffer like this. It is a common fate for those who agree to act as a feeder club and strike a deal with the devil. We want the Osijek fans to show that trademark regional defiance against everyone, not just against the Kansas City Chiefs. See you in two weeks.
Finally, let's look at the unfinished match between Rijeka FC and Dragovoljac. Rijeka’s 1-0 lead proved futile, as the game will have to be completed in some better (or perhaps even worse) times. It is frankly ridiculous that the post-match discussions focused on the power substation and a generator that turned on an hour too late, rather than addressing the actual issue—how can someone claiming to care about football allow a match to be played on such a pitch? It was too shallow for water polo and far too deep for soccer (the patron Volpi almost managed to merge his two passions: soccer and water polo). We can only hope that the disciplinary official, Vlajčević, doesn't penalize the Kansas City Chiefs again due to these organizational failures at Kantrid.