Stigma and misconceptions about STIs and sexual behavior

Melissa James70 said:And you didn't just turn around on the fifth day and vanish like some sort of swallow's tail because...?

What an absolute idiot...🙄

It was really just a matter of convenience, honestly; he happened to be the only one available at that specific moment. He’s the only practitioner in my neck of the woods who handles all those particular tests, and I was quite determined to get everything sorted out in one fell swoop right here. As much as I wanted to wrap things up immediately, I simply couldn't justify taking a whole day off work just to make the trek out to Washington, D.C.

Yeah, I bet it’s even worse in small towns than in big cities. You have zero options for gynecologists, and if they’re loaded with old-school prejudices, you're basically stuck because there's nobody else to go to...

It actually just hit me today—when I was at the hospital for my pre-op checkup, one doctor looked at my swabs, saw I hadn't been able to shake these bacteria for months, and decided to lecture me. She told me that when I wipe after using the bathroom, I have to make sure I'm wiping from front to back. 🙄 Like, seriously? As if I'm some toddler who doesn't know how to wipe my own butt. 🤦 And I literally wash up every single time I go.

Because apparently, she concluded that since I can't get rid of the bacteria, I must just be totally incompetent at basic hygiene. ☕

copperraven53 said:Basically, she reached this grand conclusion that since I haven't been able to shake these bacteria, I clearly have no idea how to maintain proper hygiene. ☕

Right, because apparently, during my last appointment, I was actually asked if I even knew how to track my cycle. Honestly, I can't even recall what on earth I could have said to trigger such a condescending question.
I’m thinking about finding someone else to see, though I suppose there's always the risk that the next doctor might be even more incompetent—and I'm not even talking about the one who did my testing, but my regular specialist whom I've seen for years. He doesn't actually do anything besides ordering Pap smears and unknown scans, so for any real concerns, I usually head over to Washington, D.C., but now that I'm out of work, everything is just sitting in limbo.

It seems many of us here have had a run of bad luck, though I pray to God that everything works out for the best in the end. When I look back at my own life, I feel quite fortunate to be married. If I weren't, I honestly don't know how I would navigate starting a new relationship; the idea of having to disclose my diagnosis feels daunting, and I'm not entirely certain any man would react with true understanding. What has your experience been like, particularly for those who haven't married? Have you managed to find love after receiving your diagnosis, and if so, how did your partners handle the news?

Thankfully, I’m not in that position. I’ve been in a long-term relationship for quite a while now, and I happen to be lucky enough to have a partner who actually understands how this works—he’s well-informed and takes his responsibilities seriously.
At least I have that sense of relief and mutual understanding.
There isn't that constant fear of him making those typically chauvinistic, uneducated comments about how women are always the ones catching some random infection from "who knows where."
It’s as if these things don't happen to men, but only to poor women just because they’re the ones actually visiting a gynecologist! It happens to them too; it’s just that they don't bother getting checked out or going in for regular screenings, so the women end up being the ones treating everything—and then they're expected to act surprised when they both have to take medication together because "she has THAT," while he plays the victim saying he "caught it from her." 🙄

Honestly, I can't even imagine how difficult it would be if I were with someone new (though I certainly hope I won't have to 😛). Because let's face it, there is zero chance that either sex is perpetually sterile and free of any bad bacteria... and then you're stuck trying to explain biology to someone who is completely clueless or, even worse, riddled with prejudices stuck somewhere in the era of gonorrhea and syphilis, treating something like a yeast infection as if it were the absolute end of the world or some highly contagious plague. 😂 🤣 🤷

bluefox49 said:It seems like a lot of us are having a rough run, but I’m praying to God that everything works out fine. Looking at the big picture, I’m actually glad I’m married. If I weren't, I honestly don't know how I'd approach dating; I couldn't lie to someone, and if I told them my diagnosis, I'm not sure any guy would be understanding enough to stick around. What are your experiences, especially those who haven't been married? Have you dated anyone after your diagnosis, and how did they handle it?

You're lucky to be married. I actually caught my diagnoses from my current boyfriend. We're really close, but lately, things have gotten heavy. He’s going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, and I have no idea how it’ll end. If we break up, I’m lost. How do you even tell someone new? Keeping it a secret isn't an option, but telling the truth feels terrifying. Even though I believe I'll clear this up, if I end up single, I don't think I could jump into something else easily. Between the emotional tie to my boyfriend and still being in treatment, it's a lot. And if I do get healthy and meet someone new down the road, I'd be terrified—what if he has something, like unknown, and after all this fighting to get clean, I just end up right back where I started? 😢 No matter how I look at it, it feels overwhelming. Honestly, I might just stay single with a bunch of cats. 😁
Still, I'm hoping things work out with him. But that's just how we women are—we overthink everything and stress ourselves out, while men don't seem to care nearly as much. He doesn't take any of this seriously; he thinks viruses and bacteria are totally normal and that everyone has them, so I'm just overreacting. He talked to some friends of his, both guys and girls, and they all admitted to having unknown or other stuff, so he views it as just a normal part of life that you can't avoid. It's just something you deal with. 😠 👎

Amanda Roberts2 said:I honestly envy those of you who had it easy with your health. My own diagnoses were a gift from my current partner. We have this incredibly deep connection, but after two years together, things have started to unravel as he hits this mid-thirties crisis, and I genuinely don't know how it’s going to play out... if we do end up breaking up, I am completely lost regarding what comes next. How do you even tell someone new? Keeping it a secret isn't an option at all, yet the thought of actually saying it—well, I can't even begin to imagine the confrontation. Even though I truly believe I'll recover, if I stay single for now, I don't think I could ever easily jump into another relationship... partly because of the emotional weight of my current situation, and partly because I’m still in the middle of treatment. And even if I do get healthy and remain single, meeting someone new in the future fills me with dread—what if that person carries something, like unknown, and just when I’ve finally fought my way back to health, I’m hit with everything all over again? 😢 No matter how I spin the scenario in my head, it just leaves me feeling utterly hopeless, like my only real choice is to live alone with thirteen black cats. 😁
I suppose I’m still holding onto hope that my current relationship survives. But that’s just how we women are, isn't it? We overanalyze every tiny detail until we’re exhausted, while men seem to breeze right through these things without a second thought. He doesn't take any of this seriously; he thinks viruses and bacteria are just part of life, that everyone has them, and that I'm being neurotic. He talked to some of his friends—both guys and girls—and they all admitted to having unknown or other similar issues, so he views it as "normal," something unavoidable that shouldn't be a big deal. 😠 👎

I’m struggling with something very similar. I’m "clean" from those little bugs, but about two years ago during a previous relationship, I was terrified that I’d contracted something via blood—something fatal. It turns out I hadn't; I tested several times at the recommended intervals and everything came back fine. But ever since then, I’ve had massive issues simply being physically close to anyone. My last partner didn't mind testing at all when I suggested it; he actually said it was standard procedure and that I shouldn't feel awkward about asking. Meanwhile, the guy I originally feared had infected me just told me, "I choose who I sleep with, there's no need for tests, you're acting crazy."
Nowadays, I struggle with something as simple as kissing someone; my mind immediately jumps to catching some illness, or thinking they might have a small sore in their mouth and I'll end up with something like unknown... it's exhausting. I've always been a conscientious person, but once you get burned like that, life never feels quite the same. I'm completely obsessed with these highly improbable ways diseases can spread; I even get anxious at the doctor's office when they go to give me a shot. Honestly, I’d almost rather stay single forever. Because even the person who goes to testing without hesitation—how does that guarantee they won't cheat and bring something else into the relationship?

We've focused a lot here on bacteria and viruses, but we haven't really touched on unknown, hepatitis, and things like that.

I totally get where you're coming from. With my first boyfriend, we always used condoms, but honestly, it wasn't because I was worried about diseases—it was just because I didn't want to get pregnant. STIs weren't even on my radar back then. Then, after being single for a while, I fell head over heels for my current partner. He’s the first guy I actually saw a future with and wanted to have kids with... so eventually, we stopped using condoms, and that's when I caught something. It never even crossed my mind to ask him to get tested first. None of my girlfriends ever asked their guys, and they never asked them either. Half of them are married now with kids and everything.
Maybe I'm just incredibly naive, or maybe everyone I know is too. It always felt like you just assumed everyone was fine and healthy unless they told you otherwise or gave off a "sketchy" vibe. You jump into a relationship in good faith, especially after going through the whole dating process, getting close, becoming friends, and talking openly about your pasts. When you feel like you're dealing with a perfectly normal, decent person just like you, asking for a test doesn't even occur to you. I'm curious, do any of you women actually ask your partners for tests?

It's only after you catch some nasty bug and really suffer that the idea of demanding a test starts to creep into your mind. It's the same thing with oral sex. My friends tell me they use condoms for intercourse but go without them for oral... but you can pick up all sorts of dangerous stuff that way. I haven't heard anyone mention using a condom for oral, either. I think these are serious matters and you shouldn't mess around with them, but if you worry too much, you just end up paranoid, which isn't great either. It seems like everyone is pretty relaxed and doesn't pay much attention until they get burned. Once you know more and have gone through it, you just become more anxious and distrustful.

Seriously, how can someone maintain a balanced, healthy perspective on all of this? 🤷

Exactly, I was always the one insisting on condoms, except for that one time with the guy I later realized was sick—I didn't use one then. I was on the pill at the time, thinking we were actually headed toward marriage... and what gave me that false sense of security were two things: first, his employer provided health insurance that sent him for regular checkups, though obviously, that doesn't mean a thing since nobody tests you for sexual health during a standard physical. And second, he kept insisting he was perfectly healthy (God, I was such a fool) because he had only been with his ex-wife and one other woman without protection. Then, much later, he let slip that he’d been seeing this other woman periodically for years when they were both single, and that they sometimes even had parallel affairs... honestly, I don't even want to dwell on those memories. Anyway, I used condoms with everyone, though I didn't bother with them for oral sex—mind you, that was all before I knew about testing; nowadays, the thought of oral without protection wouldn't even cross my mind. Condoms are non-negotiable, and testing is mandatory. I truly don't care if someone refuses to get tested; I am not having sex with them. If I had to relive the sheer amount of terror I've endured, it would absolutely destroy me. These days, I feel anxious just from a simple kiss. After that whole disaster, I only had one partner who was willing to test for everything, mainly because I laid out my entire history to him and he had no issue with it. I highly doubt I'll ever find someone like that again. I honestly don't know how to move forward while carrying this kind of weight. Just last week, I went out with this guy... I would have loved to be a little affectionate with him, maybe some kissing... but then, as he was pulling money out of his wallet to pay for drinks, this little prescription slip fell out. I asked him what he was taking, and he said it was just something for acid reflux, following some esophageal surgery... and immediately, my mind started racing: who knows what else you're taking or what your actual medical history is...

It feels like bad things only happen to people like me. If I were just out there having carefree sex (excuse my language, but I'm angry), I suppose nothing would ever happen to me.

Lisa Nelson70 said:Even if he goes to get tested without any issues, what's to stop him from cheating on me anyway?

Exactly. There are zero guarantees in life. No matter how careful you are—and you definitely should be—you can never be 100% certain. I think most people just choose to trust others, themselves, and a little bit of luck.

p.s. And even with testing, some of those male tests aren't even fully reliable; they can give false negatives. As for the more serious stuff like unknown or Hepatitis, does anyone know how long it takes after exposure before a test actually shows the virus is present?

Amanda Roberts2 said:Precisely. There are absolutely no guarantees in this life. No matter how careful you are—and one really ought to be careful—you can never be entirely certain. I suspect most people just move through the world operating on a sort of fundamental trust, placing their faith in others, in themselves, or perhaps just in sheer luck.

p.s. And even if you go get tested, some of those nasty little things meant for men aren't even fully reliable; they can return false negatives... and when it comes to the more serious stuff like unknown or unknown, I’m honestly not sure how much time needs to pass after exposure before a test can actually confirm if someone is carrying a virus.

At my clinic, they told me—and you can find the same info online, too:

1. unknown - you do your first screening after three months, though it's recommended to repeat it at six—even though modern equipment is so advanced that manufacturers swear by its accuracy within a 12-week window, sometimes even sooner.
2. unknown - I'm not entirely sure when the earliest possible testing window is, but I was told that six months is the mark, and they suggest a final follow-up at nine months after any risky encounter, because occasionally, the incubation period can take that long. It isn't common, but it does happen.

It’s roughly the same situation for both.
Most people just come in for their annual check-ups to get screened for all these blood-borne issues.

Oh, I nearly forgot the most important part—there is also an RNA method that can detect viruses in less than a month after exposure, but I didn't go that route since so much time had already passed for me, making it unnecessary, and besides, they are incredibly expensive. Still, in those kinds of situations, price is usually the last thing on anyone's mind.

For testing and general information, I recommend checking out:
http://www.unknown.com/

Lisa Nelson70 said:Feels like life just keeps throwing curveballs at people like me. I just want to hook up without a single worry—excuse my language, but I’m pissed—and honestly, what's the worst that could happen? Nothing, right?.

Exactly.😢 I've got a friend with basically the exact same lifestyle as me—and nothing serious has happened to her (yet)! 🤷
Look, you aren't alone in those fears. Seriously.😢 I honestly don't have the mental bandwidth—or the willpower—to even think about starting something new with anyone. I didn't jump back into my current relationship until after taking a full two-year break.🙏 Luckily, he’s a total hypochondriac—so he's out there getting tested for everything every chance he gets!🤣🤣
As if I actually have the energy to sit here and explain what unknown is to people right now. Seriously?🙄I honestly have no idea what’s coming next... and frankly? I'd much rather just be alone and at peace than stuck in this constant loop of wondering. After everything I've been through lately, my health is the only thing that actually matters to me. Period.😛

Grace Chase97 said:And now I find myself in the position of having to explain what an unknown virus actually is.🙄I honestly don't know what lies ahead. To be truthful, I would much rather be alone and at peace than live in this constant state of uncertainty. Over the last few years, the anxiety has been so overwhelming that my health has become my absolute priority. After everything I've been through, I just need to focus on staying steady.😛

I couldn't agree more. You have my full support on this.
I think I would actually lose my mind if I managed to clear one infection only to be hit by a new one immediately. It would feel like being stuck in a permanent state of crisis. Honestly, I’m just grateful to be married; having someone to navigate this with makes all the difference, especially since we truly understand what the other is going through. There hasn't been a single moment of judgment between us, even when we both found ourselves staring at the ceiling, asking, "How? Why me?"
It is what it is, and there is no escaping who we are. Support means a great deal to me, regardless of where it originates, and I am truly grateful for the support I find here. Thank you all for being part of this.

bluefox49 said:It is what it is, right? We can't exactly shed our skin. Honestly, having support means everything to me, no matter where it comes from. I'm just glad this place exists. Thanks for being here.

Facts. It’s honestly great that this unknown exists. At least girls can see they aren't alone in all this crap and can actually find some support, advice, or real info. Plus, spreading the right facts helps us fight those stupid prejudices too.👍

bluefox49 said:Plus, I hate going to the doctor because I can’t shake the feeling that they think I’ve been out there acting reckless or playing around, and I don’t tell anyone my diagnosis—if people knew how much I didn't know, they'd probably run for the hills😢.

Look, I’m genuinely sorry about what you’re dealing with, but... if you stopped viewing your past as some kind of shameful stain, you might realize the doctor is just treating you like any other patient.

Reading through all this, I’m starting to wonder if my mother ever even bothered with swabs. I don't recall her ever doing them; I only know her OBGYN (and Sophia Wells72 might know the one I mean) performed Pap smears. That was it, despite her having—and still dealing with—various gynecological issues. My mother belongs to that breed of women who believes a Pap smear covers every single reproductive issue under the sun. Or that an innocent woman simply doesn't need to see a doctor at all.
Even when I was a virgin, I went for annual exams, including ultrasounds and rectal exams.
What used to infuriate me about my private OBGYN was his claim that a virgin couldn't possibly have any inflammation or issues "down there."
Yet we all know a virgin can carry unknown even if she's never been active.

It seems most of you here have been in long-term, monogamous relationships with pretty limited partner counts, but... I’m definitely not one of those people. I’ve had quite a few partners in my past, though always I made sure to practice safe sex; I never engaged in risky behavior. So, who am I to blame? Well, obviously, I'm the one at fault here. I don't know. I've faced so much judgment from the people around me, and... 🤷At first, I actually felt repulsed by anything involving sex—I think I mentioned that in another thread—but then I hit this phase of pure regret. I found myself wishing I'd just slept with even more men since it felt like I was destined to contract unknown anyway. It's a foolish way to think, looking back. Now, I'm actually relieved to be in a monogamous relationship for over two and a half years and to finally trust my partner. His tests for unknown came back negative, and he's the only person I've ever been intimate with without a condom, and even then, only after we'd been together for a year. I'm still struggling to process all of this; maybe my sexual history plays a role, or maybe it doesn't. Perhaps it’s just my immune system, which is practically non-existent to begin with. Who can say? 🙄All I know is that I've asked myself, just like all of you have (and I still do): "Why me?"

quietpilot87 said:I am truly sorry about your diagnosis, sincerely, but... if you stopped viewing this "transmission" as something terrifying or stigmatizing, you might find that doctors treat you perfectly normally.

I am not particularly burdened by the transmission. It seems you may have slightly misread my original post, but that is quite alright. My current partner is wonderful; we discuss everything openly, and he is actually the one who helped clarify things for me. He treats me with complete normalcy and without any prejudice.

bluefox49 said:Look, I’m not obsessed with hooking up. It feels like you totally missed my point, but whatever. My current guy is awesome—we talk about everything openly, and he’s actually the one who cleared things up for me. He looks at me normally, without all that judgment.

I don't know, you brought it up here on the internet, so it kind of looks like you *are* a little worked up about 🤷
. Anyway, glad you found a solid doctor 👍
.
Personally, I'm one of those people who has had plenty of fun in the bedroom. I get tested every single year, and nothing has ever come back positive. Knock on wood 🙂. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

What about swabs?
The reason I’m asking is that so many of us have always had perfectly clear Pap tests, yet when we go in for swabs, it's like a whole ecosystem of bacteria and yeast shows up. It makes the results even more of a shock.
What I'm trying to get at is that you can have a completely clean Pap test and still be dealing with some kind of beast—especially when it comes to the Federal Reserve.