Topic of the day: Would you rather cheat or be cheated on?

Joseph Rivera75 said:Thomas Nelson25

Why would a guy act all high and mighty about forgiving a woman he actually loves, especially when she’s reciprocating?
What's even the difference between genders here?
What reason should a cheated-on woman be "happy" to forgive? That she finally has someone to cook dinner for and clean up after?

It isn't merely a matter of my own rather limited observations—as I haven't exactly just landed on Mars—but rather stems from the specific research I previously cited...

To be precise, the study focused on standard jealousy—the kind that serves as a cornerstone for monogamy, as opposed to polyamory—rather than some sort of pathological dysfunction. Each of the five hundred-plus participants was asked to rate the intensity of their jealousy regarding certain scenarios; it was through this rating of jealousy levels that the statistical variance regarding gender and infidelity was established...

...the cohort consisted of 373 women and 153 men, with 369 participants being in a relationship while 157 were single. Their task involved first visualizing an emotional connection they currently hold, once held, or desire to have, and then imagining that their partner became interested in someone of the opposite sex. They were specifically asked to rate their level of jealousy in a scenario of sexual infidelity, described as follows: “Your partner in a serious relationship had sexual intercourse with another person, though you are certain no deep emotional bond was formed.”

As for emotional infidelity, the hypothetical situation was: “Your partner in a serious relationship formed an emotional bond with another person, though you are certain no sexual contact occurred.” The findings indicated that men exhibit greater jealousy toward sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity, whereas women demonstrate higher levels of jealousy regarding emotional betrayal. These disparities align perfectly with evolutionary hypotheses...

Furthermore, it stands to reason that in any study of jealousy, the questions must be framed in relation to a current "partner," rather than some former flame toward whom one feels nothing but indifference; after all, where there is indifference, love has vanished, rendering any discussion of jealousy—including the scenarios provided—entirely moot.

Joseph Rivera75 said:If you can't even stand yourself, there's zero chance you'll actually care about anyone else.

Sure, you can screw people over all you want. Cheating isn't some survival instinct, and it certainly isn't the end of the world.

And I'm not just talking about sex here.
To screw someone over means playing them in any way possible.

But let's be real—life isn't some black-and-white movie.

George Kim13 said:You reap what you sow—it’s one of those old proverbs that seems to apply to just about everything in this life.
One could spend an eternity lecturing on the nature of deception, particularly within the digital landscape, but I suppose we have already exhausted that particular subject on this forum more times than I care to count.
There is a certain school of thought that suggests there is no harm in a little fraud, arguing that if you don't know you've been cheated, it doesn't actually hurt...

Thanks, everyone—this has finally turned into a smart little PDF where one might actually learn something useful.

Sam Jones8 said:That kind of crawling? It’s totally fake if there isn't some actual, deep-seated repentance and a total overhaul of who they are. Look, I believe in genuine remorse and people actually turning their lives around, I really do, but I also know all about those "quick fixes"—those temporary transformations where someone acts all fired up to make things right, only for the flame to die out, leaving them right back where they started, with all those same old reasons for cheating bubbling up to the surface again eventually.

Honestly, yeah. There’s no point in living with the knowledge that he only loves you halfway.
Plus, the whole "other woman" dynamic basically proves it. He gets the passion there, while the wife plays the role of the mother figure. It's a little schizophrenic, honestly.
The second love isn't mutual, it's just one-sided suffering.

Thomas Nelson25 said:Honestly, yeah. There’s no point in living with the knowledge that he only loves you halfway.
Plus, the whole "other woman" dynamic basically proves it. He gets the passion there, while the wife plays the role of the mother figure. It's a little schizophrenic, honestly.
The second love isn't mutual, it's just one-sided suffering.

True love shouldn't involve suffering—some people just don't get it. 😁

Besides that—love is pain, my angel. Love is the sweetest kind of pain, really. LALA

Thomas Nelson25 said:Honestly, yeah. There’s no point in living with the knowledge that he only loves you halfway.
Plus, the whole "other woman" dynamic basically proves it. He gets the passion there, while the wife plays the role of the mother figure. It's a little schizophrenic, honestly.
The second love isn't mutual, it's just one-sided suffering.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons, and I seriously doubt only bad people cheat. When you're dealing with someone who has such a selfish, primitive personality—especially when they've got that "saint vs. sinner" complex going on—I don't know if there's any saving them, especially if they aren't even feeling guilty about it.
Personally, I think people like that are always going to be true to their own worst impulses, particularly if they're already acting like total jerks in every other part of their lives.
Why would he ever bother changing when life is working out perfectly for him? 🙂

Sam Jones8 said:People cheat for all kinds of reasons, and I seriously doubt only bad people cheat. When you're dealing with someone who has such a selfish, primitive personality—especially when they've got that "saint vs. sinner" complex going on—I don't know if there's any saving them, especially if they aren't even feeling guilty about it.
Personally, I think people like that are always going to be true to their own worst impulses, particularly if they're already acting like total jerks in every other part of their lives.
Why would he ever bother changing when life is working out perfectly for him? 🙂

Are you suggesting that even good people are actually bad at heart?

Frankly, I find myself wondering how much interest there would be if someone were to initiate a new thread centered around a thought experiment—specifically, one featuring a central question followed by a poll:

If you were given the choice, would you actually desire to reside on a planet where polyamory is the societal norm, entirely devoid of jealousy, exclusivity, or the constraints of monogamy?

It would be quite fascinating to observe whether an anonymous survey might reveal any significant discrepancies in responses between the genders.

Olivia Smith2 said:True love shouldn't involve suffering—some people just don't get it. 😁

We could actually get philosophical here.

Olivia Smith2 said:Are you suggesting that even good people are actually bad at heart?

What I am attempting to convey is that human nature isn't some binary, black-and-white construct devoid of any nuance; we aren't merely saints performing endless acts of charity nor are we pure, unadulterated villains.

Joseph Rivera75 said:You claim you wouldn't cheat, yet there was another day where you were bragging about dodging your workload and dumping it on a coworker.
🤔

I’m avoiding an impossible workload, and I advise others to do the same so management learns where to draw the line. During those specific 20 minutes when I hit a wall and head to the breakroom to grab a snack—yes, my coworkers take a bigger hit in that moment—but I also extend that same right to them. You're essentially arguing that I'm a moral jerk for acting "dirty" just to prevent us all from becoming collective idiots, but I actually grant that same leeway to everyone else. Based on your logic, if I wanted to be morally upright, I should just be completely submissive, bail out my teammates, and hand management everything they need to pile even more work onto our plates.

In the end, that colleague mentioned I'm her favorite coworker, which implies she understands the broader intent behind what I'm doing. According to you, Rosemary, I'm some kind of moral jerk because I step away to eat and leave them struggling for 20 minutes. By your reasoning, none of us should ever take a break, and we should just keep rubbing our hands together so the bosses can dump even more work on us. Just look at the wider context here.

I’d honestly rather cheat. Why? Because I simply can't be bothered to deal with the sheer spectrum of negative emotions that follows when you know you actually tried to do the right thing and act with integrity. If I cheat, at least I know I'm the bad guy; there wouldn't be that nagging sense of guilt from screwing someone over, but it wouldn't feel nearly as disgusting as being the one who gets screwed. That’s really as simple as it gets.

Sam Jones8 said:People cheat for all kinds of reasons, and I seriously doubt only bad people cheat. When you're dealing with someone who has such a selfish, primitive personality—especially when they've got that "saint vs. sinner" complex going on—I don't know if there's any saving them, especially if they aren't even feeling guilty about it.
Personally, I think people like that are always going to be true to their own worst impulses, particularly if they're already acting like total jerks in every other part of their lives.
Why would he ever bother changing when life is working out perfectly for him? 🙂

Agreed.

Extortion via fraud usually boils down to a weak character or just acting on pure impulse.

Neither option really works for me. Nothing lasts forever, and I suppose the same goes for relationships; if things aren't clicking anymore, it’s probably better to just sit down and end it like adults in five minutes rather than dragging out the misery for months on end. There's just no sense in that. Though, I guess you sometimes have to go through a bit of hell to finally realize that you have to put yourself first.

neongull62 said:Neither option really works for me. Nothing lasts forever, and I suppose the same goes for relationships; if things aren't clicking anymore, it’s probably better to just sit down and end it like adults in five minutes rather than dragging out the misery for months on end. There's just no sense in that. Though, I guess you sometimes have to go through a bit of hell to finally realize that you have to put yourself first.

One might argue that serial sexual monogamy actually functions as a subset of "polygamy." Pure, non-serial polygamy—in its most literal, physical sense—is an anatomical impossibility, given that a man simply cannot physically penetrate two women simultaneously.

Polyamory, should we be discussing the realm of emotion, is quite a different matter and entirely feasible; one can certainly harbor affection for multiple people at once... though, in my observation, this tends to manifest more through philia, or platonic affection, rather than raw erotic desire.

Thomas Nelson25 said:"If he really loves me, he won't let anyone else touch me."
It's just basic guy logic—and honestly, it's just straight evolution from back in the day.

A woman with a family and a marriage usually sees that as a serious institution—it's a huge part of her life—so if he still loves her (assuming that other woman hasn't stolen his heart), she'll probably just play nice and deal with it diplomatically.

Thomas Nelson25 said:Honestly, yeah. There’s no point in living with the knowledge that he only loves you halfway.
Plus, the whole "other woman" dynamic basically proves it. He gets the passion there, while the wife plays the role of the mother figure. It's a little schizophrenic, honestly.
The second love isn't mutual, it's just one-sided suffering.

🤦

Alexander Adams94 said:I’m avoiding an impossible workload, and I advise others to do the same so management learns where to draw the line. During those specific 20 minutes when I hit a wall and head to the breakroom to grab a snack—yes, my coworkers take a bigger hit in that moment—but I also extend that same right to them. You're essentially arguing that I'm a moral jerk for acting "dirty" just to prevent us all from becoming collective idiots, but I actually grant that same leeway to everyone else. Based on your logic, if I wanted to be morally upright, I should just be completely submissive, bail out my teammates, and hand management everything they need to pile even more work onto our plates.

In the end, that colleague mentioned I'm her favorite coworker, which implies she understands the broader intent behind what I'm doing. According to you, Rosemary, I'm some kind of moral jerk because I step away to eat and leave them struggling for 20 minutes. By your reasoning, none of us should ever take a break, and we should just keep rubbing our hands together so the bosses can dump even more work on us. Just look at the wider context here.

I'm not claiming anything; you're just quoting yourself.

Has anyone else looked at it this way?

If I cheat, it's his fault. If I get cheated on, it's my fault.
Which version is easier to live with? 🤔

feralranger said:Theoretically speaking, my response would be this:

It’s because wanting another person doesn't inherently negate their desire for you—provided, of course, that you aren't actually prone to jealousy (assuming you truly aren't, and instead find genuine joy in the expansion of love rather than in conflict or warfare).

However, if you happen to be like most people out there, then it's quite obvious that you are possessive in that regard, making any version of love shared with a third party entirely unacceptable to you.

Based on that logic, yes, I am possessive.🙂

Sam Jones8 said:So, did any of you actually pull it off?

🕺

No, we went our separate ways after a year.

Joseph Rivera75 said:🤦

I'm not claiming anything; you're just quoting yourself.

Has anyone else looked at it this way?

If I cheat, it's his fault. If I get cheated on, it's my fault.
Which version is easier to live with? 🤔

Why would it be your fault?