How to be a good person without being a doormat

It’s really not that complicated—you just have to be kind while staying assertive. They aren't mutually exclusive. You can't be on call 24/7, and you definitely shouldn't try to. You won't be able to help everyone, nor should you; if you don't save some energy for the actual emergencies, you'll burn out. The truth is, people in this country tend to mistake being polite or helpful for weakness—just part of the American way of doing things, I guess. But once you get some practice under your belt, you’ll spot those types immediately and know exactly how to stand your ground.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

You only avoid this kind of crap in life if you use a bit of common sense. If you think you're the boss who can just delegate tasks (like handing your stuff over to a caretaker) without checking up on it later, then yeah, people are going to play you for a fool and leave you screwed. The world is full of "good" people—especially those lottery winners who hand over every cent to family, friends, and strangers, only to end up back in poverty just like before. That isn't kindness; it's stupidity. Being a truly good person means using your intelligence to do good for others. Otherwise, it’s all for nothing—your good intentions don't mean a damn thing if they lead nowhere.

Being a good person doesn't mean you have to be a pushover.

So you told the boss to just hand everything over to the janitor, and suddenly you're the "good guy"?! 🤦

The truth is, you just wanted the clutter out of your sight.

And not even on your own dime or effort—you wanted someone else to deal with the heavy lifting for you.
Basically, you want other people to move your stuff from point A to point B while you sit back.
And then you expect to walk away looking like some kind of saint.
Give me a break. 😉

I’d be just as pissed if someone ordered me to haul my own junk from one place to another as if I were their personal errand boy or some low-rent delivery service...

Look, you simply cannot sell property that isn't yours; you might suggest leaving those items for the building superintendent to collect, or perhaps you could reach out to the super yourself to arrange a pickup, but selling them is strictly off-limits.

The gentleman failed to mention the actual condition of that television, the refrigerator, or the bed, but clearly, they weren't headed straight for the landfill if someone actually went through the trouble of buying them.

Ronald Price3 said:Look, you simply cannot sell property that isn't yours; you might suggest leaving those items for the building superintendent to collect, or perhaps you could reach out to the super yourself to arrange a pickup, but selling them is strictly off-limits.

The gentleman failed to mention the actual condition of that television, the refrigerator, or the bed, but clearly, they weren't headed straight for the landfill if someone actually went through the trouble of buying them.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, right? We've got all sorts of classes and groups living in areas with wildly different economic vibes... even if they're right next to each other. Those thrift stores filled with stinky "like new" junk—is that supposed to show how enlightened the public is, or is it something else entirely? Just look at the "government" on their prime-time propaganda channels. It’s all just promoting psychics, lotteries, self-help gurus, and normalizing psychiatry and big pharma (as if some "all-natural" moonshine is gonna fix everything). It's all cheap wellness and fake social activism being pushed as wealth, even while everyone's basically broke...

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

ironrider11 As stated by:
Perhaps it could be done with a touch more personal investment—without necessarily having to pour your entire soul into it. Perhaps if I had reached out to that "caretaker" directly—maybe even taken some personal initiative regarding the relocation of my own belongings—we might have actually seen the outcome I was looking for. There is a certain kind of misguided "goodness" in paying someone to step in, only to have them claim they’ll spend their time volunteering elsewhere, only for it to turn out later that they never performed the paid work at all. It says quite a bit about a person's character when they constantly play the martyr or act like a saint just to mask a lack of integrity. It’s a grim way to run a world.

I've scanned through this entire thread, but it looks like you already received a solid answer earlier in this specific post.

It’s a brutal reality, and frankly, one of the hardest things we ever have to master: learning how to actually set boundaries.

And don't go walking around assuming that everyone possesses your level of integrity and kindness.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

That’s a deeply personal feeling, but it usually boils down to the fact that you didn't get back what you expected.
If you lower your expectations when you're doing something kind (whatever that may be), things will start to feel a lot better.

Is he really committed to being an absolute idiot?
Not a chance!

It is a harsh reality, I suppose, but we live in a relentless dog-eat-dog world where any individual showing even a hint of weakness is practically begging to be devoured. It’s much like how a single weak link in a supply chain can bring down an entire logistics operation; once that vulnerability is spotted, the vultures descend. As someone else pointed out earlier, it isn't just the predators who strike—it’s often the people who are themselves struggling, those who feel like perpetual victims of the system, suddenly finding their footing by stepping on someone else. It becomes this desperate, almost frantic scramble of, "Well, if I finally get a chance to grab a piece of the pie, why shouldn't it be at your expense?"

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

We don't know the whole backstory here, so I won't get into the weeds of that. But you're asking "how?" Well, how many times have you actually paused and thought about what you're intending to do? From the way you're writing this, it sounds to me like you're operating purely on impulse when making decisions—both for yourself and when trying to solve other people's problems.

Start positioning yourself to think first about your actions and realistically assess the chances of a "fairytale" outcome actually happening. The issue isn't necessarily with other people; it's with you, because you're the one allowing this to happen. You're letting others maintain control over you while ignoring the fact that you are the one who created this situation in the first place.

At the end of the day, you just have to learn how to draw a line in the sand and stop putting people or situations on such an unrealistic pedestal.

ironrider11 said:Maybe if there was just a bit more actual effort involved—without needing to go all "selfless martyr" about it. If someone had actually reached out to the worker personally or stepped up to help move their own gear, maybe things would’ve gone the way they expected... Being "the good guy" by paying someone who claims they'll go volunteer somewhere else, only for it to turn out they never even did the job they were paid for? That says a lot about a person's character. They're probably just playing the hero to look big. What a messed up world.

Quoting this because I can't say I'm surprised you'd write such a sharp, well-put-together post. I've grown used to seeing something completely different around here. 👍

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

The real issue here is how you define "being good." In the scenario you described, you would have actually done a good deed if you had just verified that your boss followed through on his end of the deal—but you didn't. Your intentions were pure, sure, but that’s a far cry from actually doing something good.

You can afford to be naive once or twice, maybe even three times, but anything beyond that isn't kindness—it's just plain stupidity.

If you feel like people are taking advantage of you, it’s high time you start making some demands of your own—a little tit for tat. If they can't meet your terms, well, then there's nothing more you need to do for them.

Not at all. They’re just taking advantage of them.

So, what did the OP say right at the jump? "People have taken advantage of my kindness and my naivety way too many times."

And then there’s this part—"Because I’ve always felt like I’d give someone the shirt off my back just to help them through a rough patch, but almost every single time, I end up getting burned."

Honestly, you're worrying way too much about what everyone else thinks while doing a massive disservice to yourself—like, a total injustice to *you*. You're barely even considering your own needs here. It makes it look like you're totally dependent on other people's approval.

shadowangler6 said:At the end of the day, you just have to learn how to draw a line in the sand and stop putting people or situations on such an unrealistic pedestal.

That’s the golden rule right there. We're living in a natural selection kind of world where the strong survive. Seems like the guy who started this thread might be struggling a bit with his own self-esteem—maybe something worth looking into.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

A good person performs good deeds simply because they are good and cannot resist the impulse to be kind, rather than because they expect anything in return.

The problem lies in being a naive fool and helping at your own expense.

Even worse is being a lazy egoist who inflates their own sense of virtue by pretending to do good while actually accomplishing nothing, much like what happened in your situation with the caretaker and the landlord.

Adam Evans said:A good person performs good deeds simply because they are good and cannot resist the impulse to be kind, rather than because they expect anything in return.

The problem lies in being a naive fool and helping at your own expense.

Even worse is being a lazy egoist who inflates their own sense of virtue by pretending to do good while actually accomplishing nothing, much like what happened in your situation with the caretaker and the landlord.

Honestly, this guy is pure selfishness personified. He hands something off to someone through a third party, assuming everyone else shares his "noble" intentions, and then gets totally screwed over by that third person. Total selfish jerk, right? Just a complete piece of work.🤦
Even the dictionary definition hits the nail on the head here: The term describes the pursuit of one's own interests without regard for others or any concern for how your actions might harm them.
Wait, scratch that—my bad. Turns out he isn't technically selfish. But hey, at least you got to look like a total idiot in the process, right? 🙂

Look, OP, it feels like it’s better to just be brighteagle39. Because even if you actually try to do something good, and then some other person comes along and throws a wrench in the gears, there's always going to be some guy like this ready to talk trash and make you look bad.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

I realize this thread is quite old, but I would like to respond to the original post.

Good people tend to place far too much faith in others. That is precisely why they are most frequently deceived. They lack oversight; instead, they rely entirely on trust.
Had the author possessed even a slight streak of a control freak—if he had followed up and checked in with both parties to see how matters were progressing—the landlord would have been forced to honor the agreement, and the caretaker would have received the furniture intended for him. As it stands, both innocent parties lost out in a very ugly and humiliating fashion, while one party walked away with the profit.
Persistence and being uncompromising serve as the necessary counterweights to a kind soul.