How to be a good person without being a doormat

Look, ironrider11—it’s apples and oranges. I’m not talking about extreme cases like "an addict refusing rehab."
If I set my flower pot in one spot, and then my mother moves it somewhere else because she thinks it looks "better" and she's "doing me a favor," 🙂 is she actually helping me? Aside from spiking my blood pressure, no.
Or if I put the laundry rack in the shade where there's a breeze, but my mother-in-law drags it out into the direct sun—if I wanted it in the sun, I would have put it there myself 😵—is she doing me a service?
I’m talking about how people mask power trips by using the excuse of "I just want to help you."
Of course they do!!! ☕

Richard Rodriguez17 said:Are we talking about physical stuff here, or is this more about the intangible things in life?

Everything. It all starts with how you value yourself as an individual. In psychology, there’s this weird thing where people tend to undervalue anything that comes for free. If it doesn't cost anything, people assume it "isn't worth much." That’s why you really have to place a high price on yourself. 😁

What does that actually mean? It means thinking highly of yourself without being selfish. And it ties back to what I said earlier: if you decide to give someone something—whether it’s your time, some advice, money, a recommendation, or most importantly, your time—you have to realize that time is literally *you*. You can't get it back. So, once you give it, there’s no point in sitting around complaining that someone took advantage of you.
Actually, if you look at it through the lens of life experience, it’s almost okay to feel that sting when someone really screws you over. Those negative emotions stick with you; they leave a mark so you don't make the exact same mistake twice. I mean, anyone who keeps getting screwed over repeatedly is either a total 😁 masochist 😁 😁 or just a bit slow 😁 😁 😁. The bottom line is, everything serves a purpose.

Pack your bags and get out of the Middle East. Moving to Scandinavia is definitely your best bet.

Honestly, I don't go into things with massive expectations when it comes to people. If there’s something I can just knock out myself, I’m not handing it off to anyone else. People can be pretty unreliable, so it's better not to get your hopes up too high. That said, I'm not trying to be some total pessimist either—it's more about finding that sweet spot in the middle.

Dirty talk has always been a constant element in my intimate life... and I intend to keep it that way, because it brings something entirely different to the table—something fresh and unique...
It’s hard to put into words, but it has its own specific energy...
I tend to lean into it, using those explicit words alongside a more dominant, rougher edge...
Ultimately, everything depends on how you approach your partner... or rather, how they respond to you, but generally speaking, my PIKA

pick an English-dubbed Dutch horror film about Santa Claus being a serial killer.

Nathan Peterson11 said:Look, ironrider11—it’s apples and oranges. I’m not talking about extreme cases like "an addict refusing rehab."
If I set my flower pot in one spot, and then my mother moves it somewhere else because she thinks it looks "better" and she's "doing me a favor," 🙂 is she actually helping me? Aside from spiking my blood pressure, no.
Or if I put the laundry rack in the shade where there's a breeze, but my mother-in-law drags it out into the direct sun—if I wanted it in the sun, I would have put it there myself 😵—is she doing me a service?
I’m talking about how people mask power trips by using the excuse of "I just want to help you."
Of course they do!!! ☕

If you’re acting clueless and don't grasp the scale or scope of things, that might be why... like when a mom—who somehow always knows everything even if she acts like she doesn't—sees you putting a potted plant right in the direct sun. You think it's "warming up and growing," but you're actually just frying it through that magnifying glass effect from the double glazing. It dies just like a million other plants before it. Even if the flowers are technically yours, if your mom is a huge plant lover and watches them wither away because of your mistake, you clearly weren't paying attention... The whole universe really does just exist within a single head, I guess. But then again, a head without any interaction isn't really anything at all. It’s a complicated cause-and-effect loop to wrap your brain around. Especially when you're stuck in a geocentric mindset, unable to step outside yourself just to get some fresh air or light a cigarette...

Nathan Peterson11 said:Look, ironrider11—it’s apples and oranges. I’m not talking about extreme cases like "an addict refusing rehab."
If I set my flower pot in one spot, and then my mother moves it somewhere else because she thinks it looks "better" and she's "doing me a favor," 🙂 is she actually helping me? Aside from spiking my blood pressure, no.
Or if I put the laundry rack in the shade where there's a breeze, but my mother-in-law drags it out into the direct sun—if I wanted it in the sun, I would have put it there myself 😵—is she doing me a service?
I’m talking about how people mask power trips by using the excuse of "I just want to help you."
Of course they do!!! ☕

A mother-in-law is just built different... maybe. It’s like comparing two totally different types of female energy—one that’s all about peace and one that’s ready to go to war at a moment's notice. You've got the first mom and then the second mom, both stuck in this weird, intense power struggle over their sons... it's a deeply personal mess... Unlike a biological mom who might constantly doubt her own body's "flaws," a mother-in-law always acts like her own choices are way more perfect than whatever her son picked out for himself...

Every mother-in-law views everything through the lens of her own "messy" kid. If she’s even questioning how much of a disaster her son actually is—especially since he somehow picked a partner who's even more of a wreck than he is just to agree to his ridiculous demands—then she’s clearly operating on a level far beneath any kind of logic. It's just how they work... plus that constant, suffocating jealousy is always lurking in the background, making it impossible to escape...

A kid who used to nurse from you when things were simple, but now grows up and decides to suckle from some random choice... it’s just... it is what it is. You really ought to ask the mother-in-law how that even works. By basically feeding her own flesh and blood to some dimwitted stranger, she’s always just reinforcing his stupidity. She sets the tone by rejecting her own role and picking some helpless loser who can't even take care of herself, let alone look after the man who shares her blood... It's a mess. How do you even walk away from that kind of drain without getting sucked dry until there's nothing left...

coastalwolf15 said:Pack your bags and get out of the Middle East. Moving to Scandinavia is definitely your best bet.

Easier said than done, man. They've got the exact same issues there too—maybe just a little less intense than what we're dealing with here, but still.

Is it really a good thing—or just being a pushover? How much does one even affect the other?

Usually, that’s just how people comfort themselves when they can't stand up for themselves... they call it "being good"... but let's be real—they just don't know how to fight back. It comes from fear, right? And man, that's not exactly something everyone can just learn overnight.

Carl Brown152 said:Is it really a good thing—or just being a pushover? How much does one even affect the other?

Usually, that’s just how people comfort themselves when they can't stand up for themselves... they call it "being good"... but let's be real—they just don't know how to fight back. It comes from fear, right? And man, that's not exactly something everyone can just learn overnight.

Exactly. A rabbit isn't considered noble because it's harmless.

Kindness and naivety aren't exactly roommates, you know. The real issue here isn't that you lack goodness, but rather that you're far too naive and prone to acting without thinking things through first.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

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To say someone is "being good" is the most cliché thing a selfish person can claim when they decide to play the victim. I know this because I’ve played that role myself. Even now, I still find that old habit of "being good" sneaking up on me from behind every once in a while. 😁

All jokes aside, I used to think being "good" was the only way to earn respect and acceptance from others. It turns out that some people just took advantage of that, because let's face it—people can be anything, and that's just how it goes. Instead of realizing I was misreading the people around me, I fell straight into the victim trap. I spent my time complaining about how unfair the world is, how malicious everyone is, and how they’re all just using me while I remain this supposedly "good" person. In reality, you could even call that kind of "goodness" a form of selfishness. I was essentially using it as currency to get something back. I was thinking about myself the entire time rather than actually thinking about anyone else. 🙂

What I’ve learned over the years is that while being kind to others matters, being kind to myself is the real priority. It’s about setting boundaries on that kindness. You have to establish a line where you can still be a helpful person without letting anyone take advantage of your nature. Sometimes that means stepping up to help someone out. Other times, it means simply saying I don't have the time, I can't do it, or I just don't want to. There will even be moments where I cross those lines and go above and beyond, but I do it with a clear intention: I’m not doing it to buy someone's affection. I’m doing it because I genuinely want to. And that is perfectly fine. Sure, it happened that some people took offense. Some people stopped reaching out altogether. But the result? The people who stayed actually started respecting me more.

Take a moment to reflect on why you feel this constant pressure to be "good" to everyone. What exactly are you hoping to get back when you act that way? If you believe that being kind is a way to purchase respect or affection from others, I have to tell you: you've got it all wrong. That isn't how the world works. This mindset usually stems from core beliefs we internalize during childhood through our relationship with our parents—like the idea that if I’m a good kid, Mom or Dad will love me. We then unconsciously carry those patterns into our adult lives and our relationships with everyone else.

How much you decided to pay is entirely your business, but how he chose to respond to your requests or appeals? Well, that’s on him. Personally, I don't think he was being intentionally rude to you; it feels more like he's just short on time or maybe lacking a bit of empathy. It seems like he struggles to account for the needs of a third party—someone he doesn't know and who isn't directly benefiting him.

Adam Phillips2 said:How much you decided to pay is entirely your business, but how he chose to respond to your requests or appeals? Well, that’s on him. Personally, I don't think he was being intentionally rude to you; it feels more like he's just short on time or maybe lacking a bit of empathy. It seems like he struggles to account for the needs of a third party—someone he doesn't know and who isn't directly benefiting him.

Could it maybe be helpful for him if you looked at things from the perspective of someone who is genuinely struggling? When you're feeling discouraged and searching for help, isn't it easy to view everything through a lens of perceived "kindness"?

Dennis Hayes39 said:To say someone is "being good" is the most cliché thing a selfish person can claim when they decide to play the victim. I know this because I’ve played that role myself. Even now, I still find that old habit of "being good" sneaking up on me from behind every once in a while. 😁

All jokes aside, I used to think being "good" was the only way to earn respect and acceptance from others. It turns out that some people just took advantage of that, because let's face it—people can be anything, and that's just how it goes. Instead of realizing I was misreading the people around me, I fell straight into the victim trap. I spent my time complaining about how unfair the world is, how malicious everyone is, and how they’re all just using me while I remain this supposedly "good" person. In reality, you could even call that kind of "goodness" a form of selfishness. I was essentially using it as currency to get something back. I was thinking about myself the entire time rather than actually thinking about anyone else. 🙂

What I’ve learned over the years is that while being kind to others matters, being kind to myself is the real priority. It’s about setting boundaries on that kindness. You have to establish a line where you can still be a helpful person without letting anyone take advantage of your nature. Sometimes that means stepping up to help someone out. Other times, it means simply saying I don't have the time, I can't do it, or I just don't want to. There will even be moments where I cross those lines and go above and beyond, but I do it with a clear intention: I’m not doing it to buy someone's affection. I’m doing it because I genuinely want to. And that is perfectly fine. Sure, it happened that some people took offense. Some people stopped reaching out altogether. But the result? The people who stayed actually started respecting me more.

Take a moment to reflect on why you feel this constant pressure to be "good" to everyone. What exactly are you hoping to get back when you act that way? If you believe that being kind is a way to purchase respect or affection from others, I have to tell you: you've got it all wrong. That isn't how the world works. This mindset usually stems from core beliefs we internalize during childhood through our relationship with our parents—like the idea that if I’m a good kid, Mom or Dad will love me. We then unconsciously carry those patterns into our adult lives and our relationships with everyone else.

Spot on!
It isn't just about how we were raised at home, though; it's also baked into the way we are educated: if I behave, I'll be socially accepted; if I'm good, I can always count on support from others. There is often a subtle streak of selfishness and a desire to manipulate people hiding right there. No matter how hard someone tries to appear virtuous, they are often doing it for themselves—for the reward they receive in return. It feels like there are almost no people whose "calculated kindness" isn't driven by some underlying selfish math, though I'm not saying every single act of human goodness is secretly a selfish ploy.

In reality, the world operates on a completely different set of rules (great observation!), and most of us end up living by those actual rules once we realize that our formal education lied to us. We learn through experience how things truly work, and we adjust accordingly. An adult who can't shake off the baggage of a flawed upbringing or a misleading education, and refuses to rely on their own lived experience, is likely headed for a downward spiral—at best, they'll end up struggling with addiction. It's the same fate that awaits spoiled kids from wealthy families once they finally realize the bubble they were raised in has absolutely nothing to do with the real world surrounding them.

placidridge56 said:Spot on!
It isn't just about how we were raised at home, though; it's also baked into the way we are educated: if I behave, I'll be socially accepted; if I'm good, I can always count on support from others. There is often a subtle streak of selfishness and a desire to manipulate people hiding right there. No matter how hard someone tries to appear virtuous, they are often doing it for themselves—for the reward they receive in return. It feels like there are almost no people whose "calculated kindness" isn't driven by some underlying selfish math, though I'm not saying every single act of human goodness is secretly a selfish ploy.

In reality, the world operates on a completely different set of rules (great observation!), and most of us end up living by those actual rules once we realize that our formal education lied to us. We learn through experience how things truly work, and we adjust accordingly. An adult who can't shake off the baggage of a flawed upbringing or a misleading education, and refuses to rely on their own lived experience, is likely headed for a downward spiral—at best, they'll end up struggling with addiction. It's the same fate that awaits spoiled kids from wealthy families once they finally realize the bubble they were raised in has absolutely nothing to do with the real world surrounding them.

So, what, you might only be "good" because of someone else?

Obviously, the primary goal for everyone is to satisfy themselves first, and then—only then—can you go about satisfying others.

There are all these social rules about how a person "should" behave toward others, and we all basically chase after those universal standards thinking it'll make us more popular or accepted—because, let's face it, humans are fundamentally social creatures who are desperate for love and attention.

Right now, a colleague is taking massive advantage of me, and I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out. Apparently, I’m just too naive and "too nice" for my own good. They suggested I need to start acting with more wisdom. It’s possible I’m dealing with a straight-up manipulator here. Who knows.

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Being a good person doesn't mean you're weak.
It means you're powerful enough to choose not to abuse that power.

cosmiclynx79 said:Right now, a colleague is taking massive advantage of me, and I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out. Apparently, I’m just too naive and "too nice" for my own good. They suggested I need to start acting with more wisdom. It’s possible I’m dealing with a straight-up manipulator here. Who knows.

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In my experience, people were warning me that a colleague was exploiting me because I did all the heavy lifting while he took all the credit. And looking at it through their lens, they were absolutely right. By their standards, and by most general social standards, I was being used. But by my own internal compass? Not even close. In my value system, the roles were actually reversed: I was the one benefiting from him, because I had the privilege of handling the parts of the job I actually enjoyed, while he was stuck with the tedious, soul-crushing grunt work. So yes, I let him take the credit. But frankly, it didn't matter to me. It truly wasn't a big deal. That said, if you want to actually get your life in order, you have to know exactly who you are and what you actually want. You can't let other people's perspectives sway you. And of course, you shouldn't let anyone walk all over you, either.

Linda Harris59 said:In my experience, people were warning me that a colleague was exploiting me because I did all the heavy lifting while he took all the credit. And looking at it through their lens, they were absolutely right. By their standards, and by most general social standards, I was being used. But by my own internal compass? Not even close. In my value system, the roles were actually reversed: I was the one benefiting from him, because I had the privilege of handling the parts of the job I actually enjoyed, while he was stuck with the tedious, soul-crushing grunt work. So yes, I let him take the credit. But frankly, it didn't matter to me. It truly wasn't a big deal. That said, if you want to actually get your life in order, you have to know exactly who you are and what you actually want. You can't let other people's perspectives sway you. And of course, you shouldn't let anyone walk all over you, either.

bravo. you're spot on, seriously cracked me up 👍

Douglas Gray8 said:You can be a decent person to everyone without running errands for them or expecting favors in return. Honestly, it’s best to keep things friendly enough for a coffee or a round of cards, but nothing more. Just remember that there’s an old rule worth living by: business is business, and friendship is friendship. You can't mix the two—especially nowadays, when everyone is out for themselves.

Only do favors for trusted, lifelong friends. Or perhaps for someone truly struggling who asks for help. But always maintain your boundaries.