How to be a good person without being a doormat

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

The answer? You can't.
There's an old saying that goes something like, "Jerks get ahead while the good guys get stepped on."
So, unfortunately, it's probably better to be a jerk than to be nothing at all..

Does "being good" mean you can't be smart? Or maybe it means you can't actually pull off a good intention the right way—like being able to say "no," refusing to let bad things win, or just being clear and decisive when it counts...

Melissa Cruz3 said:The answer? You can't.
There's an old saying that goes something like, "Jerks get ahead while the good guys get stepped on."
So, unfortunately, it's probably better to be a jerk than to be nothing at all..

I don't think that's quite right.
You can be a good person without being naive.

At the end of the day, maybe you can actually achieve something through honesty—don't fall for the alternative.
If someone acts dishonestly right out of the gate and "succeeds," who knows what kind of act they're putting on.

Besides, intimacy and a real relationship are privileges you really should earn—by being an honest person.

Look, you just do what needs to be done. You don't go around playing favorites or catering to everyone else's whims. Everything starts with yourself. If you aren't willing to step up for your own sake, why on earth would you bother doing it for anyone else?

Jeffrey Chase442 said:You can't fight your own nature, you know? You can't force yourself to be a piece of work if you aren't one, you either are or you aren't. Being a decent, honest person is such a rare breed these days that the scum in this world just sniff it out and exploit it.
I know it's going to cost you a lot in the long run, and you're probably going to get let down a hundred times as you realize just how low people can sink. Maybe the only thing you can try is to create some distance and stop trusting people so easily (I can't even manage that because I'm such a chatterbox 😁), so instead of being dishonest, just don't trust them and don't broadcast your intentions...

It's tough, though. I'm so disillusioned with people, especially with the mindset we have here in the States, which is why I'm planning on moving down to the South. I'm not saying everyone there is perfect, but I believe they're fundamentally different than what we deal with here.
I'd tell you from the bottom of my heart not to change because good people are hard to find, but you can't just flip a switch on your own personality and character anyway.
So yeah, that's not really advice, especially coming from someone who has pretty much checked out of society... 😬
Good luck, truly, and just try to stay pure-hearted...

I'm with you on that! Though, honestly, a little healthy skepticism when handing out trust doesn't hurt anyone. My goal isn't to go out and be a menace to society—it's just to try and keep myself from getting stepped on.

How to be a good person without getting stepped on

I guess it all really boils down to who you're hanging out with and where you decide to draw the line with your own kindness.
Sometimes, honestly, you just have to be a little rude.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

I'm still chewing on that one... I'll let you know once I figure it out. 🤔

Wishing nothing but the best for good people and all living things, while sending any demons crossing my path straight back to hell for good.

Just keep being a good person. We seriously need more people like you in this country. Honestly, this whole mess with the janitor isn't about your character—it’s about that crooked boss of his. He’s the one in the wrong here, not you. So don't you dare start questioning your own intentions because of people like him. Don't let their malice drain you, because if you do, then what was the point of being kind in the first place? If we claim to be good people but end up second-guessing our own goodness, then maybe we aren't as solid as we think.

BUT... learn how to read people better. Like someone else pointed out, it's better to just do a good deed yourself rather than handing it off to someone else without checking who they actually are first.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

This example isn't actually being exploited; it sounds more like just a poorly executed plan.

In that situation, you could have handled things personally, and then you would've been sure everything went where you intended.

If you're asking generally—as if this is a recurring pattern rather than a one-off—it's probably not exploitation, just a lack of smooth interaction on your part.

And honestly, being good is fine, but being a saint is just being a fool. 😁
You need to find your limit and set boundaries with certain people. Also, maybe don't expect everyone else to act the same way you do.

Henry Fisher74 said:This example isn't actually being exploited; it sounds more like just a poorly executed plan.

In that situation, you could have handled things personally, and then you would've been sure everything went where you intended.

If you're asking generally—as if this is a recurring pattern rather than a one-off—it's probably not exploitation, just a lack of smooth interaction on your part.

And honestly, being good is fine, but being a saint is just being a fool. 😁
You need to find your limit and set boundaries with certain people. Also, maybe don't expect everyone else to act the same way you do.

Yeah.
This whole situation is just as much about pure carelessness and nonchalance as it is about "good intentions." Honestly, it wasn't exactly the smartest way to handle things. This kind of clumsiness really highlights how much the person asking the question—and the topic itself—needs to take a much harder, more honest look at themselves.

If I actually want to be a decent person, I can't go around dragging third parties into my mess—especially when I'm pulling them into my drama against their will.
If I’m going to leave furniture for the building manager, I might as well do it myself. It’s safer that way. Why would I hire some third party to handle it for me? That person doesn't have to care about my plans, and for all I know, they probably view the whole thing as a massive, unnecessary headache. If this matters to me, I need to step up, get involved, and get it done personally.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

Look, first you gotta actually get to know someone before you start being "good" to them. Don't show your weaknesses, don't spill your secrets, because people will weaponize that against you later. You think they won't screw you over if they don't know you're a softie? Wrong—they'll do it just to avoid a confrontation. Same goes for your flaws; hide them like a pro. People hunt for victims, and if you hand yourself over on a silver platter, they’re gonna stomp all over you. Don't waste your energy on those types, and keep your interactions with them as short and minimal as possible. And man, you can't trust a landlord who collects your rent—period. I've never heard of anyone being buddies with their landlord and leaving their belongings behind. Honestly, I don't think you're naive; I think you're smart, because being truly good actually requires intelligence. Don't lose faith in humanity, though. Just remember: there are no failures, only lessons. Grab a little notebook and write down what you shouldn't do next time. Think twice. Get to know people better. Ask them for a favor or see if they'll do something for you—that's how you'll tell if they're genuine or just posing.

Jeffrey Chase442 said:You can't fight your own nature, you know? You can't force yourself to be a piece of work if you aren't one, you either are or you aren't. Being a decent, honest person is such a rare breed these days that the scum in this world just sniff it out and exploit it.
I know it's going to cost you a lot in the long run, and you're probably going to get let down a hundred times as you realize just how low people can sink. Maybe the only thing you can try is to create some distance and stop trusting people so easily (I can't even manage that because I'm such a chatterbox 😁), so instead of being dishonest, just don't trust them and don't broadcast your intentions...

It's tough, though. I'm so disillusioned with people, especially with the mindset we have here in the States, which is why I'm planning on moving down to the South. I'm not saying everyone there is perfect, but I believe they're fundamentally different than what we deal with here.
I'd tell you from the bottom of my heart not to change because good people are hard to find, but you can't just flip a switch on your own personality and character anyway.
So yeah, that's not really advice, especially coming from someone who has pretty much checked out of society... 😬
Good luck, truly, and just try to stay pure-hearted...

I love the way you think. Good people lead with their hearts right away instead of overthinking things. They worry about others and how their actions affect them, while everyone else just doesn't give a damn. I honestly think people with higher intelligence, much like some advanced civilizations, don't have any real malice in them. Maybe this world was supposed to be paradise, but low-intelligence, bad actors turned it into the mess it is today. Maybe humans really did accidentally crossbreed with monkeys.

Go ahead, slap me if you want, but I’ve had it up to here with all these people trying to play the saint with me. It’s always the same thing: someone tries to do you a "favor" that you didn't ask for and definitely don't need. How many times can you politely say, "Thanks, but I'm good," before they just ignore you and keep pushing? To me, this fake kindness is nothing more than pure aggression. Most of them are secretly—maybe even without realizing it—calculating how to corner you so you won't be able to say NO when they eventually come asking for some vague, ridiculous favor. And then they have the nerve to brag out loud about what wonderful people they are, how much they care, and how they're always there to help... yet the second you don't call them back within thirty seconds of their ringtone stopping, they act like you personally insulted their entire lineage. They're incredibly thin-skinned.
Honestly, God save me from these "good" people and their unsolicited favors... there are way too many of them out there. Total vampires.

Nathan Peterson11 said:Go ahead, slap me if you want, but I’ve had it up to here with all these people trying to play the saint with me. It’s always the same thing: someone tries to do you a "favor" that you didn't ask for and definitely don't need. How many times can you politely say, "Thanks, but I'm good," before they just ignore you and keep pushing? To me, this fake kindness is nothing more than pure aggression. Most of them are secretly—maybe even without realizing it—calculating how to corner you so you won't be able to say NO when they eventually come asking for some vague, ridiculous favor. And then they have the nerve to brag out loud about what wonderful people they are, how much they care, and how they're always there to help... yet the second you don't call them back within thirty seconds of their ringtone stopping, they act like you personally insulted their entire lineage. They're incredibly thin-skinned.
Honestly, God save me from these "good" people and their unsolicited favors... there are way too many of them out there. Total vampires.

Unless you put "not being used" before "being good," maybe that calculated, subconscious trade-off—that whole compensation thing—isn't actually the main driver for maintaining this "good person" persona. How is a "good" person supposed to help an addict who doesn't even know what's good for them in that moment? Except by forcing it on them. No, "no" doesn't always mean no. Sometimes it's for their own good...

Maybe that same logic applies to everyone else stuck in a state where they don't know what's best for themselves. These "good" people, sitting at the center of their own ego, always think they know better than anyone else. They don't bother actually looking at who people really are instead of just seeing what they want to see...

"Goodness begets goodness"—it's just a vicious cycle fueled by these "limitlessly selfless" people. You can spot them a mile away because they're always talking about how pure their intentions are. Usually, they aren't busy whining about how everyone takes advantage of them, or acting annoyed when someone refuses to accept "free goodness" handed to them on a silver platter. Even if a "bad" person doesn't have any actual issues, having a fancy decorative cane as a fashion statement might still come in handy...

ironrider11, look, I wasn’t talking about the genuinely good people who actually want to help. And no, I’m not some junkie who doesn't realize that forced assistance can actually be beneficial... I was talking about those "so-called" good people who force favors on you just to play the martyr and act like they're selfless saints. They shove things down your throat that you didn't ask for and definitely don't need. They do the tiny little tasks you could easily handle yourself... you start doing something and they literally snatch it out of your hands just so they can do it instead. Total control freaks. Usually mothers or mothers-in-law... and heaven forbid you don't immediately jump to satisfy every single ridiculous whim they have—then you're the bad guy!
And there are way too many of these nerve-wracking types out there...😵

Laura Castillo6 said:You shouldn't give more than what you’re actually okay with losing. If you end up sitting there later tallying up everything you contributed and thinking about how people took advantage of you, then you didn't give out of kindness—you were just being selfish in the first place.

Think about it like the way a mother gives to her child without a second thought. It's pure. If you aren't ready to let go of something, then don't bother giving it at all. Otherwise, you're just going to walk away feeling used. And honestly? It’s usually not even because people actually exploited you, it’s just because you can't seem to give without secretly hoping for something in return.

At that point, you're just acting like a walking calculator.

I've even seen people who give just because it makes them feel better while they're stuck in a terrible headspace. But true giving should be effortless. You should be just as indifferent about giving something away as you are when someone hands you something for free.

Are we talking about physical stuff here, or is this more about the intangible things in life?

I’d say that someone truly good—say, they cover the medical bills for someone who can't afford surgery, just as an example—won't go around announcing it to the world. They'll just keep it quiet. To me, that’s what being a good person actually means. You help because you want to make a difference, not because you want everyone to know about it.

Nathan Peterson11 said:Go ahead, slap me if you want, but I’ve had it up to here with all these people trying to play the saint with me. It’s always the same thing: someone tries to do you a "favor" that you didn't ask for and definitely don't need. How many times can you politely say, "Thanks, but I'm good," before they just ignore you and keep pushing? To me, this fake kindness is nothing more than pure aggression. Most of them are secretly—maybe even without realizing it—calculating how to corner you so you won't be able to say NO when they eventually come asking for some vague, ridiculous favor. And then they have the nerve to brag out loud about what wonderful people they are, how much they care, and how they're always there to help... yet the second you don't call them back within thirty seconds of their ringtone stopping, they act like you personally insulted their entire lineage. They're incredibly thin-skinned.
Honestly, God save me from these "good" people and their unsolicited favors... there are way too many of them out there. Total vampires.

I hate this too. It's happened to me where someone forces something on me and genuinely believes they're doing me a favor. I didn't want it, and it isn't kindness—it's just them acting like they're smarter than me and know what I need better than I do.☕

Nathan Peterson11 said:ironrider11, look, I wasn’t talking about the genuinely good people who actually want to help. And no, I’m not some junkie who doesn't realize that forced assistance can actually be beneficial... I was talking about those "so-called" good people who force favors on you just to play the martyr and act like they're selfless saints. They shove things down your throat that you didn't ask for and definitely don't need. They do the tiny little tasks you could easily handle yourself... you start doing something and they literally snatch it out of your hands just so they can do it instead. Total control freaks. Usually mothers or mothers-in-law... and heaven forbid you don't immediately jump to satisfy every single ridiculous whim they have—then you're the bad guy!
And there are way too many of these nerve-wracking types out there...😵

The addict thing was just an example. Maybe a better one would be something more extreme. Like a person who is exactly who they claim to be, someone who needs help, and because of that, people try to force it on them—even if that person, whether they're deluded or just being themselves, keeps insisting that this kind of "offered" help isn't what they need or want. The "helper" isn't actually helping the person standing in front of them; they're helping the version of that person they've created in their own head. They expect the external person—just an object for their projection—to sync up with their expectations if they want help. If they can't? Well, screw 'em... if they're going to be that stubborn and consistently self-destructive by rejecting any actual, well-intentioned help...