How to be a good person without being a doormat

Hannah Alvarez2 said:Honestly, this guy is pure selfishness personified. He hands something off to someone through a third party, assuming everyone else shares his "noble" intentions, and then gets totally screwed over by that third person. Total selfish jerk, right? Just a complete piece of work.🤦
Even the dictionary definition hits the nail on the head here: The term describes the pursuit of one's own interests without regard for others or any concern for how your actions might harm them.
Wait, scratch that—my bad. Turns out he isn't technically selfish. But hey, at least you got to look like a total idiot in the process, right? 🙂

Look, OP, it feels like it’s better to just be brighteagle39. Because even if you actually try to do something good, and then some other person comes along and throws a wrench in the gears, there's always going to be some guy like this ready to talk trash and make you look bad.

I did not suggest that his action was driven by selfishness, but rather by the impulse to act.
If one is not prepared to see an endeavor through to its conclusion, then one is not actually helping the person in need, but is merely attempting to soothe one's own conscience.

Not at all, guys, definitely not...
They say you can't tell a good man from a madman, and honestly? I think there's a lot of truth to that old saying.

Just focus on being a decent person yourself—it’s kind of the only way to deal with it, really. Most people are just looking out for number one these days. It feels like our values are totally upside down lately; we end up applauding the scammers, the liars, and the people who just take advantage of everyone, yet we go looking for flaws in folks like you who actually have good intentions and try to do the right thing (even if things don't always pan out perfectly).

A diamond is still a diamond, even if it ends up in the mud.

I’m stuck wondering if I’m the problem or if everyone else is just exhausting.

I have a middle-aged family member who has become incredibly draining lately. He’s constantly hovering, asking me to fix something on his computer, phone, or TV. I’m not some tech genius myself, so I have to spend my own time researching how to solve his "emergencies" before I can even help him. It used to be occasional; now it’s practically every three days. I walk through the door after work, and there he is. He wants to install an app, connect his laptop to the TV, move icons on his desktop, or needs me to explain why a certain pop-up is a scam. Then it's setting up profiles, downloading this app, then that one—he’s always breaking something. It always starts with, "I just need five minutes," but I’ll be lucky if it doesn't eat up an entire hour.

Maybe I’m the crazy one, but I don't touch things I don't understand. If I don't know how to do something, I pay a professional to handle it. If I want to bring cookies to the office for a birthday, I go to Starbucks or a bakery and buy them. I don't corner people I know who bake as a hobby and demand they make them for me to deliver.

If you're a decent person, you give from the heart without expecting anything back. You just feel good because you were able to help. No math involved. As for what happened with this guy, that's exactly why you shouldn't go through middlemen. You weren't taken advantage of—you were straight-up scammed. It happens all the time.

bluecobra18 said:If you're a decent person, you give from the heart without expecting anything back. You just feel good because you were able to help. No math involved. As for what happened with this guy, that's exactly why you shouldn't go through middlemen. You weren't taken advantage of—you were straight-up scammed. It happens all the time.

Exactly. Just look at this forum as an example; I hope my posts in the psychology section actually help someone, but what would I ever ask for in exchange?

Time and again, we read it on this thread, we see it all over the internet, and we hear it in casual conversation with people: they claim there is no point in being a good person. But listen, being kind isn't about some sort of ROI or whether it's "worth it." Anyone claiming otherwise clearly isn't a good person to begin with! I have to ask those types: what *is* worth it then? Is it worth being a complete jerk? In my humble opinion, absolutely not!!! I can tell you from experience that many people have done me wrong simply because they could; back then, I didn't know how to stand up for myself, I was quite an insecure person, and so on. But now, after all these years, I can say that all those people ended up having terrible lives; I didn't do anything to them, they just essentially drowned in their own malice. But like I said, it isn't about profitability. If we are good people, we will naturally strive to spread that goodness, and if we aren't, well, then "goodness" certainly won't be "profitable" to us.🍿

I agree that the original poster wasn't exploited, though I'm debating whether he was even scammed at all; in my view, only the gardener can truly be called a victim here, because there really weren't any exploited parties in this story...

darksurfer4 said:Exactly. Just look at this forum as an example; I hope my posts in the psychology section actually help someone, but what would I ever ask for in exchange?

Time and again, we read it on this thread, we see it all over the internet, and we hear it in casual conversation with people: they claim there is no point in being a good person. But listen, being kind isn't about some sort of ROI or whether it's "worth it." Anyone claiming otherwise clearly isn't a good person to begin with! I have to ask those types: what *is* worth it then? Is it worth being a complete jerk? In my humble opinion, absolutely not!!! I can tell you from experience that many people have done me wrong simply because they could; back then, I didn't know how to stand up for myself, I was quite an insecure person, and so on. But now, after all these years, I can say that all those people ended up having terrible lives; I didn't do anything to them, they just essentially drowned in their own malice. But like I said, it isn't about profitability. If we are good people, we will naturally strive to spread that goodness, and if we aren't, well, then "goodness" certainly won't be "profitable" to us.🍿

I agree that the original poster wasn't exploited, though I'm debating whether he was even scammed at all; in my view, only the gardener can truly be called a victim here, because there really weren't any exploited parties in this story...

When people say being good doesn't pay, they’re usually clinging to some naive, childlike idea of altruism—doing things purely for the sake of it without expecting anything in return. That kind of selfless goodness rarely pays dividends, and even fewer people actually practice it.

The truth is, everyone wants something. At the very least, they expect basic human decency, though they conveniently forget how messy and complicated that can be.

Goodness pays off, provided you apply it in the right places and in the right doses. The same goes for malice.

I’d argue most people eventually realize on a subconscious level that kindness is almost always transactional—an exchange for future reciprocity. Those who fail to grasp that reality usually end up broken or worse.

Kate James14 said:When people say being good doesn't pay, they’re usually clinging to some naive, childlike idea of altruism—doing things purely for the sake of it without expecting anything in return. That kind of selfless goodness rarely pays dividends, and even fewer people actually practice it.

The truth is, everyone wants something. At the very least, they expect basic human decency, though they conveniently forget how messy and complicated that can be.

Goodness pays off, provided you apply it in the right places and in the right doses. The same goes for malice.

I’d argue most people eventually realize on a subconscious level that kindness is almost always transactional—an exchange for future reciprocity. Those who fail to grasp that reality usually end up broken or worse.

Look, we aren't going to see someone decide to take their own life just so a patient with heart failure can get a transplant! There have to be boundaries; I firmly believe you shouldn't extend kindness to certain types of bad actors out there. Now, I realize that flies in the face of traditional Christian teachings, but that's a much larger conversation for another day.🎉 It honestly irritates me, this persistent attitude some people hold that it's fundamentally "unprofitable" to be kind to anyone from the jump. Based on their posts, it's impossible for them to be anything other than the sole victims of a world where everyone else is wicked! In my view, we should approach every individual as if they are a decent person until they prove otherwise—and by that, I don't mean acting as a co-signer for a stranger's mortgage or something equally absurd.

darksurfer4 said:Look, we aren't going to see someone decide to take their own life just so a patient with heart failure can get a transplant! There have to be boundaries; I firmly believe you shouldn't extend kindness to certain types of bad actors out there. Now, I realize that flies in the face of traditional Christian teachings, but that's a much larger conversation for another day.🎉 It honestly irritates me, this persistent attitude some people hold that it's fundamentally "unprofitable" to be kind to anyone from the jump. Based on their posts, it's impossible for them to be anything other than the sole victims of a world where everyone else is wicked! In my view, we should approach every individual as if they are a decent person until they prove otherwise—and by that, I don't mean acting as a co-signer for a stranger's mortgage or something equally absurd.

Hahaha, 🤣!

It’s just not possible, truly 😁.

Honestly, I’d take someone helping just for the clout or because they get a kickback over someone who sits on their hands when they actually have the power to do something. Anything is better than doing absolutely nothing at the end of the day—seriously. So many people sit around dreaming of a perfect world without lifting a single finger, then have the nerve to blame everyone else while their own laziness keeps things stuck exactly where they are. I don't get where people get the idea that life should reward being totally useless.

The author’s post reminded me of my old self from a few years back. I used to be the one helping everyone, but it never felt fulfilling—just exhausting. I ended up feeling used. Then I realized that when someone does something for me without being asked, I feel such an intense sense of obligation that I spend the rest of my life trying to pay them back.
It was a wake-up call. I wasn't actually being a "good person" out of the goodness of my heart; my self-esteem was just low enough that I thought being useful was the only way people would accept me. Spoilers: it doesn't work, and it isn't worth it.
It takes a lot of mental heavy lifting to shake that inferiority complex and accept that we don't owe the world our service. But you have to do the work, otherwise, the person playing the "benefactor" just ends up feeling miserable.

In this specific situation, it feels like the author just didn't want to deal with the hassle of moving furniture, so they're letting someone else handle the grunt work while they play the saint.
If I owned the place, I wouldn't want to deal with the headache of lugging someone else's gift around either, but I wouldn't have the heart to sell it.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

Being a good person doesn't mean you have to be naive. If you stop being naive, you won't be exploited.

brighteagle39 said:Being a good person doesn't mean you have to be naive. If you stop being naive, you won't be exploited.

I’m finding myself using that approach more often lately. I lead with tolerance and respect, and just hold that position until someone proves they don't deserve it. We live in a world where you really have to watch yourself—you even have to dose out your kindness. Take a friend of mine, for example. He spends way too much time chasing after certain crowds who clearly aren't interested in including him, and he's starting to take everything for granted.

James Lee said:The author’s post reminded me of my old self from a few years back. I used to be the one helping everyone, but it never felt fulfilling—just exhausting. I ended up feeling used. Then I realized that when someone does something for me without being asked, I feel such an intense sense of obligation that I spend the rest of my life trying to pay them back.
It was a wake-up call. I wasn't actually being a "good person" out of the goodness of my heart; my self-esteem was just low enough that I thought being useful was the only way people would accept me. Spoilers: it doesn't work, and it isn't worth it.
It takes a lot of mental heavy lifting to shake that inferiority complex and accept that we don't owe the world our service. But you have to do the work, otherwise, the person playing the "benefactor" just ends up feeling miserable.

In this specific situation, it feels like the author just didn't want to deal with the hassle of moving furniture, so they're letting someone else handle the grunt work while they play the saint.
If I owned the place, I wouldn't want to deal with the headache of lugging someone else's gift around either, but I wouldn't have the heart to sell it.

This basically describes my whole life. I'm always trying too hard to please everyone and be the nice guy.

Regarding the Bolden thing, maybe I should've focused more on it, but the boss seemed alright and I was just dealing with a mess of paperwork and stuff at the time.

I think there’s a necessary balance when it comes to being kind. Someone once told me, "Don't be a nice guy, be a good guy." It’s about helping people without making it a habit. If a friend is in trouble, lend a hand, but try to teach them how to handle things themselves next time. If you find yourself constantly playing the savior for the same group of people, you aren't going anywhere with them. They either need to learn how to dig themselves out of the holes they fall into—which, let's face it, is usually their own fault—or they'll just fail. Honestly, it's better to let them hit rock bottom than to let them drag you down with them.

It feels almost impossible these days to avoid being taken advantage of. Even if you're a genuinely decent person, you're bound to run into a manipulator at some point. Whether you're a "nice guy" or a "good guy," you'll encounter people who will exploit your kindness, and you'll have to decide how to handle them moving forward. Manipulators tend to gravitate toward empathetic people.
As soon as you spot someone like that, you should probably cut them out of your life. Living with those types of people is like holding onto a balloon full of garbage—eventually, it's going to pop. Don't let them start blowing up a new 🤣 once that happens. I don't know how else to put it without sounding a bit crazy 😵.

Personally, the worst kind of people are those who always expect something in return. Some people allow themselves to fall into that trap, but I believe you don't owe anyone anything indefinitely, even if they did save your life. You still have to judge their character for what it is.
Like the old saying goes: "A true friend isn't the one who helps you, but the one who won't let you down."

Help someone without expecting anything in return. That way, you won't end up feeling let down. ☕

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

I’d say the big mistake a lot of people make is assuming everyone else operates on the same moral compass they do. I guess that's what happened with the landlord.🤷
Maybe the best way is to still do good things, but you've gotta be careful, I suppose. A ton of people will act like total saints and the nicest people ever, right up until they find some way to use you—whether it's for money, emotional support, or whatever else.

I’ve been the "good one" before—the one who steps up and gets taken advantage of—repeatedly, usually by the same group of people.
No, I didn't fall for it a second time. Honestly, I saw it coming.
It is always hardest when those people are your own family.
Whenever things get genuinely difficult for me, I find myself completely alone. I have spent nights in the hospital where nobody even bothered to call; yet, the moment they need money, suddenly everyone is around, acting as if they deeply care about my well-being.
🤣
The only difference is that I am no longer that naive person I used to be☕.
I simply don't expect anything from anyone anymore—it seems to be the only foolproof way to avoid further disappointment.
I no longer give away what I don't have, or even what little I do possess. I keep what is mine, quite wisely, and without a shred of guilt.

rapidcanyon4 said:I think there’s a necessary balance when it comes to being kind. Someone once told me, "Don't be a nice guy, be a good guy." It’s about helping people without making it a habit. If a friend is in trouble, lend a hand, but try to teach them how to handle things themselves next time. If you find yourself constantly playing the savior for the same group of people, you aren't going anywhere with them. They either need to learn how to dig themselves out of the holes they fall into—which, let's face it, is usually their own fault—or they'll just fail. Honestly, it's better to let them hit rock bottom than to let them drag you down with them.

It feels almost impossible these days to avoid being taken advantage of. Even if you're a genuinely decent person, you're bound to run into a manipulator at some point. Whether you're a "nice guy" or a "good guy," you'll encounter people who will exploit your kindness, and you'll have to decide how to handle them moving forward. Manipulators tend to gravitate toward empathetic people.
As soon as you spot someone like that, you should probably cut them out of your life. Living with those types of people is like holding onto a balloon full of garbage—eventually, it's going to pop. Don't let them start blowing up a new 🤣 once that happens. I don't know how else to put it without sounding a bit crazy 😵.

Personally, the worst kind of people are those who always expect something in return. Some people allow themselves to fall into that trap, but I believe you don't owe anyone anything indefinitely, even if they did save your life. You still have to judge their character for what it is.
Like the old saying goes: "A true friend isn't the one who helps you, but the one who won't let you down."

I've learned the hard way that this is absolutely true. If you're always available, always ready to jump in, and constantly at everyone's beck and call, people start taking you for granted. They stop seeing you as an equal. Honestly? I'd say it's better to cool things down a bit.

When you aren't clutching your wallet like a lifeline and you're just trying to avoid getting scratched

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

You can't fight your own nature, you know? You can't force yourself to be a piece of work if you aren't one, you either are or you aren't. Being a decent, honest person is such a rare breed these days that the scum in this world just sniff it out and exploit it.
I know it's going to cost you a lot in the long run, and you're probably going to get let down a hundred times as you realize just how low people can sink. Maybe the only thing you can try is to create some distance and stop trusting people so easily (I can't even manage that because I'm such a chatterbox 😁), so instead of being dishonest, just don't trust them and don't broadcast your intentions...

It's tough, though. I'm so disillusioned with people, especially with the mindset we have here in the States, which is why I'm planning on moving down to the South. I'm not saying everyone there is perfect, but I believe they're fundamentally different than what we deal with here.
I'd tell you from the bottom of my heart not to change because good people are hard to find, but you can't just flip a switch on your own personality and character anyway.
So yeah, that's not really advice, especially coming from someone who has pretty much checked out of society... 😬
Good luck, truly, and just try to stay pure-hearted...