I'm at my wit's end with my ex

Kyle Nelson2 said:It’s just childish, I guess, when you try to shift all the blame onto someone else...
but, if they're actually telling the truth, then denying what happened would be just as bad...
don't you think?

hm.. the fact is, he and his parents had some kind of blowout over his education, and then he ended up enrolling in something he never wanted in the first place.

The causal links don't really matter here. On one level, it's the parents' fault for not doing this or that—on another, it's their parents' fault for raising him the way they did—then there's the government because not everyone has the luxury of choosing their major, or even God, for creating such a flawed world.🤷
The ways to twist the narrative are endless.

That said, it's been proven that people who view themselves as the primary drivers of their own lives are happier than those who point fingers at others. It makes sense—you feel more empowered when you actually hold the reins.
If your parents are calling all the shots, you're just left feeling helpless.

hiddenhawk3 said:Please, I guess there are way worse things than being a student at 27. 😠He's almost done anyway, 🤣
I know people who haven't even finished their degree by 30 and they're still living in their parents' basement.😕

I know the feeling too... 😬
As for my mom... she’s probably dealing with all that crap. She's going through menopause and struggling with being alone. Isn't that just a lethal combo?
Someone suggested she needs some IT training and then get sent to a forum. Honestly? I'm on board. 😁
She needs to find a hobby or something to distract her. Just to chill out, you know?
Think it worked for her... maybe? 🤷

placidranger said:hm.. the fact is, he and his parents had some kind of blowout over his education, and then he ended up enrolling in something he never wanted in the first place.

The causal links don't really matter here. On one level, it's the parents' fault for not doing this or that—on another, it's their parents' fault for raising him the way they did—then there's the government because not everyone has the luxury of choosing their major, or even God, for creating such a flawed world.🤷
The ways to twist the narrative are endless.

That said, it's been proven that people who view themselves as the primary drivers of their own lives are happier than those who point fingers at others. It makes sense—you feel more empowered when you actually hold the reins.
If your parents are calling all the shots, you're just left feeling helpless.

In my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong), dealing with this dilemma (letting go of resentment) should probably start by calling things what they actually are.
So, yeah... tell them the old folks are wrong... (I mean, sure, throw it in their faces... maybe once, definitely not multiple times), turn the page, learn the lesson (that you shouldn't always listen to everyone), and just move on...

But, honestly, I think keeping it inside, processing it, and swallowing the stuff that's probably better left unsaid... is the way to go.

Kyle Nelson2 said:In my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong), dealing with this dilemma (letting go of resentment) should probably start by calling things what they actually are.
So, yeah... tell them the old folks are wrong... (I mean, sure, throw it in their faces... maybe once, definitely not multiple times), turn the page, learn the lesson (that you shouldn't always listen to everyone), and just move on...

But, honestly, I think keeping it inside, processing it, and swallowing the stuff that's probably better left unsaid... is the way to go.

Oh, absolutely. Only problem is, we don't call it "they are wrong"—we call it "I am angry."

Given that you probably can't change her at this stage of life—not to mention adding menopause into the mix, which basically doubles the difficulty—I think your best bet is to just accept this behavior as her "baseline." Don't act surprised when it happens again. You have to adapt to the reality of who she is, and then figure out how to create some distance if her attitude is genuinely wearing you down.

Honestly, it isn't even that unusual. She’s your typical perfectionist; everything has to be done exactly her way, and she won't let anyone else touch anything because she believes she's the only one capable of doing it right. Then you have the victim archetype. She’ll spend three days doing all the laundry without being asked, only to end up frustrated and take it out on you, and if you dare say anything, you're suddenly the ungrateful one. It's textbook perfectionism. In layman's terms? She's a control freak.😁 And people like that are impossible to fix.

Maybe try getting her a dog. Something to shift her focus away from you for a while.🤣

electrictiger70 said:Given that you probably can't change her at this stage of life—not to mention adding menopause into the mix, which basically doubles the difficulty—I think your best bet is to just accept this behavior as her "baseline." Don't act surprised when it happens again. You have to adapt to the reality of who she is, and then figure out how to create some distance if her attitude is genuinely wearing you down.

Honestly, it isn't even that unusual. She’s your typical perfectionist; everything has to be done exactly her way, and she won't let anyone else touch anything because she believes she's the only one capable of doing it right. Then you have the victim archetype. She’ll spend three days doing all the laundry without being asked, only to end up frustrated and take it out on you, and if you dare say anything, you're suddenly the ungrateful one. It's textbook perfectionism. In layman's terms? She's a control freak.😁 And people like that are impossible to fix.

Maybe try getting her a dog. Something to shift her focus away from you for a while.🤣

And give her some work to do, obviously. 😁

electrictiger70 said:Given that you probably can't change her at this stage of life—not to mention adding menopause into the mix, which basically doubles the difficulty—I think your best bet is to just accept this behavior as her "baseline." Don't act surprised when it happens again. You have to adapt to the reality of who she is, and then figure out how to create some distance if her attitude is genuinely wearing you down.

Honestly, it isn't even that unusual. She’s your typical perfectionist; everything has to be done exactly her way, and she won't let anyone else touch anything because she believes she's the only one capable of doing it right. Then you have the victim archetype. She’ll spend three days doing all the laundry without being asked, only to end up frustrated and take it out on you, and if you dare say anything, you're suddenly the ungrateful one. It's textbook perfectionism. In layman's terms? She's a control freak.😁 And people like that are impossible to fix.

Maybe try getting her a dog. Something to shift her focus away from you for a while.🤣

We have a cat, but let’s be clear: the cat runs her, she doesn't run him. I constantly tell her not to let the cat into my room because he inevitably knocks things off my desk—remotes, books, paperwork—while trying to squeeze past me toward the window. Or he'll just roll around on my bed or my clothes, leaving them covered in fur. But does she listen? Of course not. The second the cat even glances toward my door, she’s rushing to open it and letting him right in. No questions asked, no knocking. Honestly, I'm reaching the point where I might need to start locking my door.🙄

And yes, someone hit the nail on the head earlier... She inserts herself into everything (to the point where her attempts to be helpful actually backfire), and if anyone dares to suggest otherwise, she’ll just sulk and lament indefinitely about how hard life is and how unappreciated she feels.

Megan White4 said:It isn’t quite hoarding trash... it’s more like an obsession with specific items...

Yesterday, I asked $67 for gas money (since I was running on empty)... she immediately started rolling her eyes and lamenting about how we can't afford it (though she did eventually give it to me). It’s as if we lack funds for basic necessities, yet there’s always plenty of money for her irrational whims and nonsense.

That is exactly the plan...

Precisely. She inserts herself into everything, and when you tell her to back off (usually after ten failed attempts and finally raising my voice), she takes massive offense and plays the martyr. 🙄

Maybe that's the only joy a woman has left in life... nah...

I used to live near a woman who lived with her special needs son, and she was just... a mess. Total chaos. Begging on the streets, picking through trash—they lived in an apartment you wouldn't wish on anyone 👎... but whenever she managed to scrape together a few bucks, she’d take a taxi home with a bouquet of flowers.. probably just so she could feel like a queen for one day
...
Your only option is to pull yourself together, get a job, and focus on your own life 😉

Until then.. say whatever you want, but she’s the boss 🤷 and she isn't going to change for you in her old age 😬

Megan White4 said:We have a cat, but let’s be clear: the cat runs her, she doesn't run him. I constantly tell her not to let the cat into my room because he inevitably knocks things off my desk—remotes, books, paperwork—while trying to squeeze past me toward the window. Or he'll just roll around on my bed or my clothes, leaving them covered in fur. But does she listen? Of course not. The second the cat even glances toward my door, she’s rushing to open it and letting him right in. No questions asked, no knocking. Honestly, I'm reaching the point where I might need to start locking my door.🙄

And yes, someone hit the nail on the head earlier... She inserts herself into everything (to the point where her attempts to be helpful actually backfire), and if anyone dares to suggest otherwise, she’ll just sulk and lament indefinitely about how hard life is and how unappreciated she feels.

So, basically, your old lady is just dumping the responsibility for her own actions (or the fallout from them) onto everyone else.
I mean, this has nothing to do with menopause, or being lonely, or dogs, or cats, or any of that junk. It’s just her immature way of acting. It’s been baked into her since she was a kid, and there’s no chance you’re going to "re-educate" her now that she's in her 50s or 60s, especially when she's clearly the one trying to "re-educate" you.

If you want to actually be an adult and take responsibility for your life, maybe pick up a book, find something productive to do in your downtime, and become your own man—someone with their own backbone, freedom, and whatever...
But if you just want to follow in her footsteps, then sure, just sit there and listen to every word she says like a little bird in a nest, hoping she’ll change sooner or later... even though deep down you know she won't. You know this is just her taking the path of least resistance.

Megan White4 said:We have a cat, but let’s be clear: the cat runs her, she doesn't run him. I constantly tell her not to let the cat into my room because he inevitably knocks things off my desk—remotes, books, paperwork—while trying to squeeze past me toward the window. Or he'll just roll around on my bed or my clothes, leaving them covered in fur. But does she listen? Of course not. The second the cat even glances toward my door, she’s rushing to open it and letting him right in. No questions asked, no knocking. Honestly, I'm reaching the point where I might need to start locking my door.🙄

And yes, someone hit the nail on the head earlier... She inserts herself into everything (to the point where her attempts to be helpful actually backfire), and if anyone dares to suggest otherwise, she’ll just sulk and lament indefinitely about how hard life is and how unappreciated she feels.

It shouldn't be this hard. Either find a way to keep the cat out, or better yet, just hang your clothes on a rack. 🙂

btw
Your cat is absolutely stunning; I think I could forgive just about anything for a pet like that.

For someone who’s such a coward in real life that they take whatever crap is thrown at them, you sure act bold behind a screen. Is that how it works? Why don't you just hide behind your computer while your mom's in the next room? 😁

Just some free advice: remember who actually looked out for you when you were down, and look at who's sticking around now that you're back on your feet. It’s no wonder she’s stuck in a coma—she lost her partner only to find herself surrounded by leeches. Seriously, go find a job and start helping her out.

James Gonzalez49 said:I know the feeling too... 😬
As for my mom... she’s probably dealing with all that crap. She's going through menopause and struggling with being alone. Isn't that just a lethal combo?
Someone suggested she needs some IT training and then get sent to a forum. Honestly? I'm on board. 😁
She needs to find a hobby or something to distract her. Just to chill out, you know?
Think it worked for her... maybe? 🤷

Right, because having a mom join the forum will definitely help us all understand "her side" of the story better. 🙂
The truth is, she isn't exactly having a blast with her life right now! She's footing the bill for an adult son who treats her like garbage. If she’s going to be that much of a pushover, she needs to establish some boundaries—starting with the bank account.
By the way, did they practically force you to enroll in TWO different colleges?! How does that even happen? Like they were holding you at gunpoint? Come on...

mistypanther said:For someone who’s such a coward in real life that they take whatever crap is thrown at them, you sure act bold behind a screen. Is that how it works? Why don't you just hide behind your computer while your mom's in the next room? 😁

😂 😂 😂

Toco, if you're currently in NYC, try not heading straight home once your classes are finished. Instead, maybe find your way to a library? I realize saying that is much easier than actually doing it, but perhaps finding some peace there is better than constant arguing. And please, try not to waste money on gas, especially with prices climbing so high lately. At the end of the day, it is her money, and we have to remember she has been supporting us for twenty-seven years. I am not in any better position myself, as I have a very stubborn mother. But from their perspective, it feels like we are just gossiping about their finances when, at their age, they deserve to enjoy what they've earned. They shouldn't have to act as a full-time service provider—first as parents, then as grandparents, and eventually perhaps even as financial guarantors when children need help with mortgage payments. If one person doesn't receive that kind of support, they start feeling vulnerable, neglected, or whatever else.

In the end, we are all just human beings underneath it all.

And if ignorance is considered a form of prejudice or the ultimate folly, then absolutely, it is. Many of our elders, many of whom didn't even finish high school, simply aren't educated in that way.

When dealing with someone uneducated, you can't prove anything to them. They will always believe they are right, and that their version of the truth is the only one that exists in the world.

Peter Rodriguez7 said:Dear Megan White4,
Your mother is a TOXIC person. She likely won't ever realize it, which means she isn't going to be the one to change. You are the one who has to do the work on yourself, and honestly, that’s a long road. It would probably be best to pursue some psychotherapy—for your own sake—so you can learn how to actually manage her instability. Don't let her pin her own frustrations on you by making you feel guilty. And please, don't let her walk all over you under the guise of "love." That isn't love; it's just pathological selfishness.

Oh, absolutely—because clearly, maintaining such restraint for twenty-seven years is just a symptom of pure, unadulterated selfishness, right?

Does she have a friend or maybe a sister who could gently point out that she’s dealing with some minor issues and stuff like that?

Besides, you aren't exactly a child anymore. She really needs to realize that on her own.

I know plenty of people in similar situations—exes, old friends, whoever.
Everyone I know has dealt with that kind of nonsense. All they ever managed to do was endure it for a while before eventually moving away.

I realize there isn't a quick fix here... but I hope you find some way through it.

rowdyhawk27 said:Does she have a friend or maybe a sister who could gently point out that she’s dealing with some minor issues and stuff like that?

Besides, you aren't exactly a child anymore. She really needs to realize that on her own.

I know plenty of people in similar situations—exes, old friends, whoever.
Everyone I know has dealt with that kind of nonsense. All they ever managed to do was endure it for a while before eventually moving away.

I realize there isn't a quick fix here... but I hope you find some way through it.

Bringing in a girlfriend or a sister is a double-edged sword. Maybe if another woman explains to her that she's acting totally irrational—considering she's a 27-year-old man—that HER behavior is actually the biggest issue here.

Age-wise, he isn't a child, but behaviorally? What can you even say about someone who is somehow on his third (!) college degree, still living off his mom, and then venting on forums about how hard life is instead of using that time to earn enough for gas... and honestly, I wonder whose car it even is that his mother is paying to fuel.😲

P.S. Or maybe HE has some girlfriends who could explain to him that HE has some "minor issues," so perhaps HE could finally realize he's an adult and stop leaning so heavily on his mother.

Honestly, David Palmer5, you’re probably right on the money here.
But I can't help but think things might be smoother if his wife just got her act together. I'm just not sure if he's actually considering leaving, or if he simply doesn't have anywhere else to go.

I don't know. But rowdyhawk27, seeing you get pushed around like some teenager is tough to watch. You need to stand your ground and try to help her out if you're able.