Can psychology actually help fix relationship issues?

It feels like more and more people are living alone these days... just single-person households everywhere. Marriages seem to be falling apart way easier than they used to for all sorts of reasons, too. Plus, with dating apps constantly blowing up, everyone seems to be desperately searching for "the one" for years on end...

How much do you guys think psychologists or actual therapy can actually help with practical stuff? Like, giving real advice to singles or people trying to navigate the whole online dating scene?

And I'm curious, what have your own experiences been like with all this?

I don't believe it can help; that is simply my personal opinion.

Could you maybe dive a little deeper into that..

I mean... the internet is just absolutely flooded with stuff like Tinder, dating advice, and all those endless self-help books about men and women and "manuals" for singles everywhere...

To elaborate: I know plenty of people, and everyone holds their own distinct perspective on what a relationship should be.
Since a partnership requires two people, it is incredibly difficult to change one individual, let alone both, just to make them function as a unit.
Perhaps the only exception would be a couple seeking therapy to improve their bond, provided they are already committed to staying together; but even then, they have essentially already solved half the problem on their own.

So, what about the folks who are, say, freshly single or just flying solo and looking for a partner?

A ton of people feel pretty lost, especially if they’re just coming out of a breakup—or on the flip side, if they’ve been single for ages. It can leave you feeling insecure, vulnerable, or honestly just totally clueless. Like, some people reach their thirties or forties and realize they have zero clue where to even go to meet someone... how do you actually start dating the opposite sex when it feels like everyone in your social circle is already "settled down" and married?

I feel like a psychologist would really need to be "well-versed" in these specific hurdles. I see plenty of Americans online making absolute fortunes just by writing advice books for men and women...

Sure, America really went all out when it came to social limitations. You can amass wealth if you want to, but sometimes I catch myself wondering what I'm even doing here in Chicago.😁 😁 😁
Of course a psychologist can help, but only if they meet one specific prerequisite—being actually good at their job. 🙂
They might be able to point you in the right direction with some advice on how to tweak your behavior toward the opposite sex to get a better outcome.
But, in my opinion, what a psychologist just can't do is fundamentally change your character or your temperament. So, honestly, I'm not quite sure where the breakdown is happening when it comes to why someone can't manage to form a connection.

Chloe Barnes8 said:It feels like more and more people are living alone these days... just single-person households everywhere. Marriages seem to be falling apart way easier than they used to for all sorts of reasons, too. Plus, with dating apps constantly blowing up, everyone seems to be desperately searching for "the one" for years on end...

How much do you guys think psychologists or actual therapy can actually help with practical stuff? Like, giving real advice to singles or people trying to navigate the whole online dating scene?

And I'm curious, what have your own experiences been like with all this?

To begin with, why on earth would they even want "help" in the first place? Has anyone actually requested it????????????

One rather significant point to consider is that these individuals aren't truly single; many of those on Match.com or Smokvica are, if we are being perfectly honest, very much married. What they are actually seeking is just some good old-fashioned fuck.

Now, a casual hookup is a perfectly natural human state, a fact I am certain any psychologist would confirm. Essentially, the internet has simply provided an easy exit strategy from the monotony and boredom of marriage.

A far more pressing question, which falls squarely within the domain of psychologists, is how they perceive the link between the lingering patriarchal structures still governing these social spheres and the newfound freedom afforded by anonymous online hookups.

The statistics suggest—or at least, that is the prevailing narrative—that these users typically belong to the middle class, possess college degrees, and earn decent salaries. They aren't looking for a partner under any circumstances; in fact, they are often looking for LIFE itself. They are in their prime, enjoying stable marriages and lovely children.

You're spot on, Christian Wells6!👍

But hey, let's get real here. We aren't talking about that happy, self-absorbed crowd that just uses apps to boost their egos—whether it's through a screen or in person. I mean the people who are actually, genuinely looking for something...

I honestly feel like the whole "psychology of searching" for a partner via apps is just totally different from how things work in real life..

It’s like this endless illusion, you know? Like there are just infinite potential partners out there and you have to swipe through everyone; move on; keep going. It makes everything feel so disconnected and, honestly, a little less human... it basically turns into a raw supply-and-demand situation where you mostly just need a knack for self-promotion....

Sure, there’s plenty of catfishing out there, obviously, but there are also all these weird new psychological layers to deal with...

Has anyone else here actually dealt with this way of meeting people?

Chloe Barnes8 said:It feels like more and more people are living alone these days... just single-person households everywhere. Marriages seem to be falling apart way easier than they used to for all sorts of reasons, too. Plus, with dating apps constantly blowing up, everyone seems to be desperately searching for "the one" for years on end...

How much do you guys think psychologists or actual therapy can actually help with practical stuff? Like, giving real advice to singles or people trying to navigate the whole online dating scene?

And I'm curious, what have your own experiences been like with all this?

Psychologists can be incredibly helpful by helping people clarify their true intentions. If someone is just looking for an adventure, they should stick to sites like the ones Christian Wells6 mentioned. If marriage is the goal, there are various virtual matchmaking services available. For those who simply want to meet new people without heavy expectations or restrictions, online forums like this one—or even chat programs like AOL Instant Messenger—are perfect.

And what has your own experience been like?

I don't actively search for a partner online, though I certainly don't mind relationships that evolve naturally from a digital connection. 🙂 Naturally, I have fallen in love through a screen before—after all, who hasn't? 😁 In my experience, there are actually more sincere people online than there are those who lie and pretend to be someone else. 🙂

Christian Wells6 said:To begin with, why on earth would they even want "help" in the first place? Has anyone actually requested it????????????

One rather significant point to consider is that these individuals aren't truly single; many of those on Match.com or Smokvica are, if we are being perfectly honest, very much married. What they are actually seeking is just some good old-fashioned fuck.

Now, a casual hookup is a perfectly natural human state, a fact I am certain any psychologist would confirm. Essentially, the internet has simply provided an easy exit strategy from the monotony and boredom of marriage.

A far more pressing question, which falls squarely within the domain of psychologists, is how they perceive the link between the lingering patriarchal structures still governing these social spheres and the newfound freedom afforded by anonymous online hookups.

The statistics suggest—or at least, that is the prevailing narrative—that these users typically belong to the middle class, possess college degrees, and earn decent salaries. They aren't looking for a partner under any circumstances; in fact, they are often looking for LIFE itself. They are in their prime, enjoying stable marriages and lovely children.

I’m actually reading this book right now about how monogamy is basically just a moral myth and that humans aren't naturally wired to be monogamous.
Though, personally, I don't think I could ever handle polygamy. The whole idea feels pretty gross to me—like, the thought of sharing my husband with someone else, or him sharing me with some random guy, is just... no.

Angela Rogers2 said:I’m actually reading this book right now about how monogamy is basically just a moral myth and that humans aren't naturally wired to be monogamous.
Though, personally, I don't think I could ever handle polygamy. The whole idea feels pretty gross to me—like, the thought of sharing my husband with someone else, or him sharing me with some random guy, is just... no.

I am entirely convinced that humans are not biologically wired for monogamy; I'd say that's a hundred percent certain. However, we are also cultural beings—and when I say that, I don't mean monogamy as a set of rigid, imposed societal rules, which I tend to ignore entirely🙄 but rather in the sense of emotional exclusivity.

In that regard, I have never caused any friction or issues because, frankly, it seems pointless. Once the energy for a connection dissipates, you're both just exhausted; there isn't some external force that can reignite that spark. It has to be a mutual experience.

To be perfectly honest, I am so hyperactive—not even in a sexual sense, mind you—that the idea of seeking anything on the side has never once crossed my mind. My relationships often fall apart simply because a partner can't manage to wake up at 5:00 AM to be in San Diego by 10:00, or they lack the stamina to head down to the beach at Kačjak—or Crikva, during the summer months—on a Sunday because they just can't be bothered. Men seem to be such weary organisms, whereas I find that lack of drive quite grating.🤷

I mean, sure. But in my world, 😉 I can't really find any kind of mutual balance if there isn't trust involved—and honestly, I struggle to trust people as it is—and you just don't get trust without loyalty.
I just don't get these relationships where you go out, hook up with someone else, and then just crawl back into bed with your husband or boyfriend, whatever... and he asks what’s wrong, you tell him you just had a thing with some guy, and he's just like, "Alright, five bucks," and you both just go to sleep. And it's all fine, nobody even gets mad.

Angela Rogers2 said:I mean, sure. But in my world, 😉 I can't really find any kind of mutual balance if there isn't trust involved—and honestly, I struggle to trust people as it is—and you just don't get trust without loyalty.
I just don't get these relationships where you go out, hook up with someone else, and then just crawl back into bed with your husband or boyfriend, whatever... and he asks what’s wrong, you tell him you just had a thing with some guy, and he's just like, "Alright, five bucks," and you both just go to sleep. And it's all fine, nobody even gets mad.

There are also those individuals who have navigated their emotional dilemmas and ultimately decided to live together. Honestly, it tends to be a far more sensible decision if there are children involved. It spares you the grueling, twenty-four-seven mental exhaustion that usually precedes a divorce. They remain excellent friends, though I highly doubt they are sharing a bed; I truly don't believe it reaches that level of intimacy.

Christian Wells6 said:There are also those individuals who have navigated their emotional dilemmas and ultimately decided to live together. Honestly, it tends to be a far more sensible decision if there are children involved. It spares you the grueling, twenty-four-seven mental exhaustion that usually precedes a divorce. They remain excellent friends, though I highly doubt they are sharing a bed; I truly don't believe it reaches that level of intimacy.

I swear on my life, Chloe Barnes8, let me get back to the heart of the matter—I actually know a thing or two about this, but I require a moment to gather my thoughts. 🙂

Christian Wells6 said:I am entirely convinced that humans are not biologically wired for monogamy; I'd say that's a hundred percent certain. However, we are also cultural beings—and when I say that, I don't mean monogamy as a set of rigid, imposed societal rules, which I tend to ignore entirely🙄 but rather in the sense of emotional exclusivity.

In that regard, I have never caused any friction or issues because, frankly, it seems pointless. Once the energy for a connection dissipates, you're both just exhausted; there isn't some external force that can reignite that spark. It has to be a mutual experience.

To be perfectly honest, I am so hyperactive—not even in a sexual sense, mind you—that the idea of seeking anything on the side has never once crossed my mind. My relationships often fall apart simply because a partner can't manage to wake up at 5:00 AM to be in San Diego by 10:00, or they lack the stamina to head down to the beach at Kačjak—or Crikva, during the summer months—on a Sunday because they just can't be bothered. Men seem to be such weary organisms, whereas I find that lack of drive quite grating.🤷

It’s Christian Wells6, but I have to admit you've got a point there... though most people would probably say the exact same thing about women. 🤷

Christian Wells6 said:There are also those individuals who have navigated their emotional dilemmas and ultimately decided to live together. Honestly, it tends to be a far more sensible decision if there are children involved. It spares you the grueling, twenty-four-seven mental exhaustion that usually precedes a divorce. They remain excellent friends, though I highly doubt they are sharing a bed; I truly don't believe it reaches that level of intimacy.

That's a relatively rare scenario. You have to be on the same page, work through all the heavy stuff, and not be looking for a new long-term commitment, otherwise the whole thing is pointless and you just end up right back where you started.

Absolutely, without a doubt.

It honestly caught me off guard reading about people online, and even just meeting folks lately, how many "parallel" relationships seem to be going on at once...

Like, seriously... you see people browsing sites looking for their "soulmate," but they’ve already got someone else tucked away in the background. And don't even get me started on the whole side-story thing happening with married people...

Has the Internet just turned into this giant digital window shop for hookups where everyone is just scanning the shelves?
I can't help but feel like there's this massive devaluation of all types of connections now... it's like you're just surfing through people like they're random webpages...🙄 ☕

Chloe Barnes8, Chloe Barnes8, Chloe Barnes8, what on earth are you up to now?

The Internet has room for everyone, and frankly, it significantly reduces the whole trial-and-error mess of human interaction.

I actually know two men from the online world, and I felt compelled to answer your question. As for the first, it’s been ten years and we still haven't managed to truly connect through conversation. To be fair, there was never an opportunity for me to make a mistake because I stick to this forum and only engage with people I know intimately. This corner of the web is my sanctuary, perfectly suited to my temperament.
Why haven't we managed to talk properly in ten years? Because I am the only person who truly knows him. For a very long time, he didn't have a physical presence for me; everything I could possibly know about him was simply his essence.

Online communication provides you with vastly more information about the actual individual hiding behind a screen name. Direct, face-to-face contact is always socially performative—if not outright hypocritical. You often begin by lying.

As for the second, we don't speak anymore. We reached a point of mutual frustration. Specifically, I grew resentful because he refuses to listen to a word I say, while he is incensed because I refuse to hear his.

Are you also curious about the women I've met?
Based on my assessment via the Internet, they were exactly what they appeared to be. There was zero margin for error.

But I inhabit this forum; I don't frequent sites like Sparky or Figgy or anything of that sort. From the very beginning, I know exactly what kind of crowd I am dealing with. I have no business on those other types of websites.

I can only imagine the sheer volume of lies being peddled on those sites out of pure necessity. For instance, if I were searching for an honest Catholic woman.
It sounds almost as absurd as someone ordering takeout.

In truth, if you've grasped the core of it, one simply cannot hold a meaningful conversation with them. My penchant for long-winded discussion is obvious to anyone watching from a distance. I simply obtained exactly what I was looking for.

My apologies, I am sitting here in the dark and can barely see my keyboard.

Well, I’m not exactly out here stalking people, if that’s what you were thinking...
but honestly, anyone can be superficial

if they feel like it. It doesn't matter where. We can all be pretty shallow toward one another—whether we're grabbing a coffee at Starbucks, scrolling through the Internet, chatting on Discord, or sitting in some high-level conference in D.C... it really just comes down to your own personal standards.

Though, personally, I think it's way easier to lose sight of those standards when you're online.

For instance... you mentioned that you know this "Number One" guy you described inside and out?
Are you totally sure about that?
Do you actually know the real him? No matter how honest he seems to be writing—which is hard to truly gauge outside of real life—aren't you just getting a romanticized version? Or maybe a polished one... or just something more literary?

Through the written word, everything can sound a lot more "artistic" than it actually is in the middle of a gloomy, totally unglamorous everyday routine....

And those dating sites... man, I have to agree... half the time it feels like you're just ordering burgers off a drive-thru menu.🤣
And don't even get me started on judging our own attractiveness... that's a whole other dark rabbit hole, especially for guys.🤣

Oh, heavens no, it certainly wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Ultimately, one cannot truly engage in a meaningful dialogue with a person unless you have peered into their very soul. With the first individual, I engaged in rather intense—well, let's call them daily—verbal sparring via email. Who is to say we weren't maintaining the exact same tone? 🤷 (Indeed, we don't exactly quarrel, though we certainly tell one another exactly what we think when the mood strikes.)

As for the second, I simply informed her she was being a complete brat.

Under such circumstances, one finds it quite impossible to make a mistake.

Of course, I have known this first person for ten years now. What I was attempting to convey is that the secret lies in the honesty of one's writing; there is no discernible difference when you finally meet someone in the flesh. There is no need to pretend everything is perfect when one already knows all their flaws. To try otherwise feels... well, rather silly.
There is no other logical conclusion than to realize he also needs things to talk about. In fact, we often share friends because I know what interests him, and if a topic falls outside my expertise but belongs to someone else, I have absolutely no qualms about introducing him to a friend of mine who is well-versed in that particular field.

I am seriously contemplating organizing a day trip for some rafting on the Mississippi River and inviting you all along, so that we might converse without the mediation of a keyboard; conversation flows much faster in person.

But I must reiterate: I am not searching for a husband—I have no need for one. Those who go looking are precisely the type who would ruin my rafting trip by disrupting the flow of conversation.
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Those who prioritize finding a spouse will inevitably suffer from what one might call phrenological shock. Phrenology was once a favorite pastime of Hitler's, and we saw its echoes not so long ago in the form of Joe Biden and those other "geniuses" who claim certain groups have distinct physical traits to identify them, or even that total idiot who insisted a brain was worth next to nothing.

However, a very serious branch of psychology is now emerging regarding encounters on the internet.

Ash, have you considered studying this matter a bit more deeply? Do not be so DOGMATIC. 😂

Goodness, that was a bit stronger than I intended. 😉

What it means is that we subconsciously expect certain physical attributes to correspond with the digital persona appearing behind the screen.

Good grief, psychologists COULD ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL! 🤔

And that implies that this assumption is not entirely correct in every single instance. For example, Mad Scientist might be covered in ash and carrying fifteen extra pounds, or perhaps he is quite lean and lanky... (my apologies, but the moderators ought to serve as an example here 😍 ).

Now, if I were searching for a husband, someone like him might drive me to distraction. But if my interest lies solely and exclusively in his knowledge of my own passions, then he could show up for coffee wearing a Scottish kilt with no underwear, one leg shaved and the other hairy—it wouldn't matter to me at all. There would be no phrenological shock.

That is precisely why people from forums like ours are a poor example for other websites. They experience these devastating phrenological shocks, whereas I personally find their true essence quite fascinating once that initial shock has passed. Honestly, I think I would remain frigid forever if it were otherwise. 🤷

Theresa, they aren't the ones browsing through people. WE ARE.