George Ramirez11 said:Look, if social services had actually suspected for a second that my kid was unhappy or that I wasn't doing a good job, they would have snatched them away. Instead, they just believe me blindly—they assume I'm clean because the kid is smiling and happy and I look totally normal. So, please, don't jump to conclusions before you know anything.
Second thing: Everyone keeps talking about "slowly dying." My dad died from throat cancer—smoking, obviously—so I guess it's all my fault because he didn't have enough guts to just quit due to some "stupidity or weakness," right?? It’s awful; I watched him literally starve because the chemo burned his throat out. Maybe they should have taken custody from him then!?
Or... if I had AIDS, would it be my own fault for not telling my partner to use a condom?? And now I'm slowly dying... do I need to lose my child again???
Let's be clear, I've hit rock bottom more times than I can count. Like Noah Sanchez7 said, I seriously ran out of veins to use; even now, during pregnancy, they were pulling blood from my toe because they couldn't find a vein in my arm or neck. Now I use my nose, so I can't overdose easily, though sometimes there are days when I just take some Hep or Sbtx. So, this is a far cry from those days when I didn't even care if I woke up in the morning. You might think I'm just venting, but I know how I feel now compared to back when I used to take Prozac and Xanax and beg for the crying to stop like I was in an Ariel commercial.
Also, the state basically gives me permission to take whatever pills I want. Seriously, my social worker told me: "Go see a psychiatrist and let them cocktail you; if they have to prescribe 15 different types of meds just to make you feel like you're flying, so be it. You aren't pregnant anymore, after all!" Isn't that just hilarious and hypocritical?
Third thing—rehab isn't for everyone, and a therapist once told me that exact thing. I've already mentioned that unfortunately, I see more and more people sliding back into their old ways after years in recovery. Because what comes after? Don't underestimate the role of the state. Not everyone has the luxury to "change their environment," move away, and whatever else. I don't live in a massive metropolis where moving to a different neighborhood means nobody knows you. Hell, I have problems with a landlord who blames me for every single lightbulb that burns out in the hallway. Apparently, it's my fault because of some "sick or deviant" reason I have!!! It would be lovely if I could volunteer and help others, or if I had the money to start my own business for people like me... but I have to work to survive.
Fourth thing—my kid cries so hard on the other side of the door when I go to pee—which takes maybe a minute, bless them—that it takes me another half hour just to calm them down afterward.
And finally, the fifth thing—I'm sure you'll all have another thousand pieces of advice, but everything is so much easier in theory than in practice. Besides, rest assured, I have heard everything. Every single thing. I KNOW all of it! That's why I said at the beginning that I'm looking for support and encouraging words more than advice, because I doubt any more tips are going to help me much.
I'm not ungrateful, and I always hope someone will just pull a magic wand out of thin air and make everything easy, but... I have to do this myself. I wanted to be honest and feel a little bit of outside love because, like everyone else with problems, I am alone. At least for now, while the little one doesn't realize anything, and I won't let them ever feel my struggles.
Why would someone so smart, warm, and brilliant fall so hard for drugs?
The kid... after reading all that, I'm thinking about this:
...you'll get through this period, little guy... having a "perfect" mom under "support"... listen, I believe it's "heavenly"... because with a vibe like that, the kid is "blessed" too... but honestly, I'm more worried about the withdrawal period (you have to protect that little one... because there's no heaven there) and then that stretch leading up to the "golden era"... the kid grows up seeing "shooting"... so it becomes normal for him... there's a huge chance he'll try it... and an even bigger chance he'll keep going (he's even got indirect support)... and you've worked so hard to make sure he has everything... will you be able to survive this...
...but then again, if he never even gets a shot at living before passing away early... what kind of life would that even be? Just pain... pure pain... and there’s something else too... the shame of letting your parents down... if you end up in this spot because of your situation... I’m positive you won't be able to live with that. Right now, he is your entire world... and that’s exactly what gives you the grit to face your flaws and all that suppressed agony...
Despite everything you're going through... I can tell you have STRENGTH... because not every "addict" mom acts the way you do. To me, it sounds like you're just a traveler who lost their way... and honestly? It's time to find a compass (life has a funny way of handing them to you when you least expect it...!) and just start moving, even if you're crawling... because that's how those first "giant leaps" actually begin...
You aren't meant for a life like this... I know that for a fact!
Come on, lady... make that kid proud! 😘
