Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Jose Howard5 said:Nice one.
Reading this thread actually makes me want to write a "teenager's guide for parents" from my perspective, but for now, being the rebellious kid is way more fun.
And yeah, regarding hitting—you aren't actually raising a child that way. You're just raising a kid who's scared of you. They aren't doing what they're supposed to because it's right, but because they don't want to get smacked. Once they hit that age where they're self-aware, man, what a headache. You can't just lay a hand on them anymore (most of the time). But honestly, it isn't easy for the parents, or us, let alone grandparents when they start weighing in too. 🧐🍿 It's a mess.

I hope you didn't misunderstand me. I'm against corporal punishment, and my child has never experienced it.
Hitting is abuse, plain and simple, not a parenting tool. It doesn't actually facilitate communication or deliver a constructive message or critique; it just uses force to shut a kid down. The only message being sent is... maybe just give up, because if you don't, someone's going to lay a hand on you. Or better yet, strike first so they don't strike you. It's pretty grim.

A teen guide? Please, start writing. 🙂

Nicholas King said:But honestly, who can say for sure? Parental authority doesn't necessarily equate to a child feeling actual fear🙂.

I haven't read the whole thread, but that statement is so good it probably deserves to be pinned to every single page. 👍

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

Well, they’ll certainly remember the day you broke them up when they're picking out an assisted living facility down the road...

Nicholas King said:It seems you haven't quite grasped the distinction between having actual authority and just being authoritarian. "They have to listen to me" has absolutely nothing to do with true authority.

If you’ve been paying any attention to my posts—and let’s be honest, you have—you’ve realized I’m the type of guy who tends to ramble quite a bit about my own life and how I view the world.
By that same logic, if I take the time to read your posts—which, again, I do—it’s obvious you have a real penchant for over-analyzing everything.
So, please, Charles Murphy6, do be a dear and enlighten me on the nuances here. I think I more or less follow your train of thought, but I’d much prefer if you actually laid out the difference for me.
Thanks.🙂

Charles Murphy6 said:Oh, please—any parent claiming they’ve never messed up is lying through their teeth. I certainly have, more than once, and what am I supposed to do about it? I apologize to my little girl and we talk it out. I’d love to tell you I’m perfect, but I’m clearly not.🙂
My ten-year-old has undergone this subtle shift lately. And by subtle, I mean she went from being this quiet, easygoing kid where I never had to repeat myself—like, "put your shoes away"—to someone who needs constant reminders. Now, she's become quite the orator, a real little advocate for her own rights. It's a massive change for me, even though she's still a good kid at heart; she’s just become much more aware of herself and her own identity. There are times when she isn't around and I'll tell my husband, "I am just exhausted from all the talking.🤣" God, the speed at which she can chatter! The second she drops her backpack—which, by the way, is now left wherever she happens to land rather than being put in her room—she starts unloading the entire saga of her school day. I sit there, listening and listening... then she starts critiquing her friends, and I'll step in to say, "Hey, take a breath," and give her some perspective on why certain things shouldn't be said or done. Basically, it's just an endless loop of conversation.
In her life, I have always been the "strict" parent. I am truly not exaggerating when I say I rarely feel the need to yell or hand out punishments. In fact, I think the worst thing I can do is stay silent; the moment I shut down, she notices immediately and insists we debate it.
It isn't easy, let me tell you. I'm currently navigating this phase of huge transitions (and she's only just starting!), and the real upheavals are still ahead of us.
Hopefully, they aren't too catastrophic.

This sounds exactly like my daughter. She went from being this quiet, straight-A student to a full-blown heavy metal fan overnight, and it just keeps going... And she's only 15! But hey, she's still killing it in school, so I deal with it! You have to be firm to a certain extent, otherwise they lose their compass—they start thinking they can just do whatever they want, and they're still kids! We love them regardless, but you have to know when to hold the line and not defend everything they do; they need to live a little, that's just part of growing up. Don't pile too much on them; it's just a phase, puberty doesn't last forever, and we all survived it. It's definitely tougher for parents going through a divorce because the kids get conflicting advice from every direction, but your daughter is old enough that she’ll figure out who is who in time. My parents split up when I was 10, and I saw exactly who was the better person all on my own. Keep your head up and gear up those nerves for the future wins—together with your kids!

Casey Booth3 said:This sounds exactly like my daughter. She went from being this quiet, straight-A student to a full-blown heavy metal fan overnight, and it just keeps going... And she's only 15! But hey, she's still killing it in school, so I deal with it! You have to be firm to a certain extent, otherwise they lose their compass—they start thinking they can just do whatever they want, and they're still kids! We love them regardless, but you have to know when to hold the line and not defend everything they do; they need to live a little, that's just part of growing up. Don't pile too much on them; it's just a phase, puberty doesn't last forever, and we all survived it. It's definitely tougher for parents going through a divorce because the kids get conflicting advice from every direction, but your daughter is old enough that she’ll figure out who is who in time. My parents split up when I was 10, and I saw exactly who was the better person all on my own. Keep your head up and gear up those nerves for the future wins—together with your kids!

It really is an uphill battle for kids of divorced parents. I always say—it might be easy for us adults, but for them, it’s incredibly hard. Since I don't have any cooperation with the other side, I find myself constantly second-guessing whether I'm failing as a parent. My current husband actually laughs at me for it. He tells me, "Why are you letting them be the yardstick for your worth?" because, let's face it, they will always find something negative to say. It's clearly my own insecurity that I need to tackle. For instance, I have no clue what kind of music she's going to gravitate toward... we used to take the kids to see Taylor Swift or Bruce Springsteen concerts, but that was my call, not hers😁. Recently, she came home blasting Miley Cyrus songs, and what am I supposed to do? I ended up singing right along with her😁
They grow up so incredibly fast that sometimes I'll catch myself staring at this young lady—this actual adult in training—and wondering where the hell the time went. We remain just as close, just in a different way now. She has this entire social world of friends that she loves to tell me about, so I'm always in the loop. She trusts me with her crushes, too. We laugh together about the guys she spots during spring break, or how it feels when one of them finally says hello. She gives me the full rundown on how they act and how they look. Not long ago, one of them practically tripped over his own feet just trying to get a look at her. 😍
Whenever this happens, I think back to my own first crushes, and it just warms my heart; I don't have any bad memories of that age, just pure nostalgia
. And even through the divorce from her father, I walked away with something beautiful—the absolute best thing in my life—her

Nicholas King said:But why exactly?

Are we supposed to maintain this facade of being a monolithic, perfectly infallible unit just to appease our "common disciplinary adversary"—the child? I mean, honestly—what is the catastrophic fallout if one parent simply admits they made a mistake in how they handled a situation? It seems rather performative to me.

And as for that whole bit about "scattering the children to show them their place," I’m afraid I don't quite follow your logic there... 😢

I agree, it's impossible for parents to be perfectly in sync all the time.

I've got two teenage boys at home and sometimes my husband and I just don't see eye to eye on discipline. He leans more towards a strict, Spartan approach, while I tend to explain things... though I've learned to dial that back after enough experience.

A few times now, his way has actually worked better. It might not be the most "educational" method, but whatever... he's the father. You learn to live with it.😁

ruggednomad5 said:I agree, it's impossible for parents to be perfectly in sync all the time.

I've got two teenage boys at home and sometimes my husband and I just don't see eye to eye on discipline. He leans more towards a strict, Spartan approach, while I tend to explain things... though I've learned to dial that back after enough experience.

A few times now, his way has actually worked better. It might not be the most "educational" method, but whatever... he's the father. You learn to live with it.😁

And look, we’ve definitely kept our own individual identities, but when it comes to raising the kids, we act like a single "parenting institution." We might drift apart occasionally, but generally, we try not to let things get too extreme.

Scott Miller4 said:And look, we’ve definitely kept our own individual identities, but when it comes to raising the kids, we act like a single "parenting institution." We might drift apart occasionally, but generally, we try not to let things get too extreme.

Yeah, we mostly see eye to eye on this too...
But here's an example. My husband told the boys no computer until the end of the school year because their grades tanked—that was about two months ago. We were both on board with that decision... but now, the kids have actually pulled their grades up. I’m ready to cave and let them have it back, but he won't budge. He's worried they'll just slide right back into bad habits the second they sit down at the desk 🤷

I'm not a fan of punishments. Honestly, I think this might be the first time we've ever actually disciplined them like this...

ruggednomad5 said:Yeah, we mostly see eye to eye on this too...
But here's an example. My husband told the boys no computer until the end of the school year because their grades tanked—that was about two months ago. We were both on board with that decision... but now, the kids have actually pulled their grades up. I’m ready to cave and let them have it back, but he won't budge. He's worried they'll just slide right back into bad habits the second they sit down at the desk 🤷

I'm not a fan of punishments. Honestly, I think this might be the first time we've ever actually disciplined them like this...

Well, they say you can't put out fires in the middle of winter.

I wonder what Spartan Dad actually did to try and prevent those grades from tanking in the first place?

Charles Murphy6 said:If you’ve been paying any attention to my posts—and let’s be honest, you have—you’ve realized I’m the type of guy who tends to ramble quite a bit about my own life and how I view the world.
By that same logic, if I take the time to read your posts—which, again, I do—it’s obvious you have a real penchant for over-analyzing everything.
So, please, Charles Murphy6, do be a dear and enlighten me on the nuances here. I think I more or less follow your train of thought, but I’d much prefer if you actually laid out the difference for me.
Thanks.🙂

Merriam-Webster:

Authority:;
1. influence based upon reputation or prestige
2. someone possessing significant standing (i.e., stemming from expertise, long-term engagement, experience, etc.) [an absolute authority in their field]
3. the capacity to command others without the immediate use of force, direct argument, or specific protocol [to hold authority; to wield authority; a person of authority]

Authoritarianism:
the characteristic of one who rules or governs with excessive power, refusing to grant freedom or strictly limiting it within the scope of their control—a sort of "passive loss of liberty."

I guess I’ll be in the same boat in 20 or 30 years. Seems like everyone eventually hits that wall.

Nicholas King said:Well, they say you can't put out fires in the middle of winter.

I wonder what Spartan Dad actually did to try and prevent those grades from tanking in the first place?

You're spot on. We missed the window. It's just how it went down. We didn't step in early enough, so things spiraled.
What did he do? Nothing. Just like me... I didn't do much more than ask the usual daily questions about school and if any grades came in.

We split up the subjects among ourselves, and somehow managed to get the grades sorted out.

ruggednomad5 said:You're spot on. We missed the window. It's just how it went down. We didn't step in early enough, so things spiraled.
What did he do? Nothing. Just like me... I didn't do much more than ask the usual daily questions about school and if any grades came in.

We split up the subjects among ourselves, and somehow managed to get the grades sorted out.

If the punishment for the kid's portion of the guilt was losing his computer, then what exactly did the tough-as-nails father sacrifice to cover his own share of the blame?

I mean, if we're going for a strict approach here, then I suppose the rules should apply equally to everyone involved.

Nicholas King said:If the punishment for the kid's portion of the guilt was losing his computer, then what exactly did the tough-as-nails father sacrifice to cover his own share of the blame?

I mean, if we're going for a strict approach here, then I suppose the rules should apply equally to everyone involved.

Two months of zero free time because I'm stuck glued to a textbook instead of doing anything else... just trying to keep up with my kid.

ruggednomad5 said:Two months of zero free time because I'm stuck glued to a textbook instead of doing anything else... just trying to keep up with my kid.

Well, let’s be honest—the child didn't have any free time either. Or rather, the child didn't have much of anything.

After all that, the kid ends up without a computer, and the father is left without—well, what exactly?

It honestly makes me feel a bit sick when people try to hide their own massive failures under the guise of Spartan discipline—it's a total cop-out. (A kid who is being forced to grind away at books is simply a child who hasn't actually been taught how to learn in the first place).

Nicholas King said:Well, let’s be honest—the child didn't have any free time either. Or rather, the child didn't have much of anything.

After all that, the kid ends up without a computer, and the father is left without—well, what exactly?

It honestly makes me feel a bit sick when people try to hide their own massive failures under the guise of Spartan discipline—it's a total cop-out. (A kid who is being forced to grind away at books is simply a child who hasn't actually been taught how to learn in the first place).

I’ll say it again regarding the bolded part: the father lost his free time because he was busy teaching the kid.

No need to act all high and mighty or condescending on this forum.

Yeah, the kid didn't learn how to study. We aren't perfect parents. Look, there are all kinds of us out there...

In a huge number of cases, kids are just a direct reflection of their parents. Period.

I’m not totally sure if this belongs here, but I honestly don't know where else to turn. Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed my eight-year-old daughter’s skin is getting a bit oily, and then just yesterday, she actually broke out with some real pimples on her nose. 😲 It really caught me off guard. Neither her dad nor I ever dealt with acne issues, so we're pretty lucky there, but goodness, she's only eight! Isn't that a little early? 🤦

I did a little digging online and apparently, it’s not as unheard of as I thought. She doesn't have any other signs of puberty—well, except for the occasional mood swing, but let's be real, she's been like that since she could talk... 😍 Most people suggest using the same kind of skincare adults use, or maybe seeing a dermatologist if things get worse. Definitely stay away from those fancy facialists unless a doctor actually tells you to go.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Does anyone have experience with kids getting breakouts this early, or maybe a recommendation for a good product or just some general advice? 🙂

Man, my kid is growing up way too fast! 😍

Jason Ortiz5 said:I’m not totally sure if this belongs here, but I honestly don't know where else to turn. Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed my eight-year-old daughter’s skin is getting a bit oily, and then just yesterday, she actually broke out with some real pimples on her nose. 😲 It really caught me off guard. Neither her dad nor I ever dealt with acne issues, so we're pretty lucky there, but goodness, she's only eight! Isn't that a little early? 🤦

I did a little digging online and apparently, it’s not as unheard of as I thought. She doesn't have any other signs of puberty—well, except for the occasional mood swing, but let's be real, she's been like that since she could talk... 😍 Most people suggest using the same kind of skincare adults use, or maybe seeing a dermatologist if things get worse. Definitely stay away from those fancy facialists unless a doctor actually tells you to go.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Does anyone have experience with kids getting breakouts this early, or maybe a recommendation for a good product or just some general advice? 🙂

Man, my kid is growing up way too fast! 😍

I recall one instance—just once—where I suggested a quick, five-minute consultation with a doctor for what seemed like a trivial issue; well, the result was that people practically lined up just to mock me or, frankly, spit on my reputation. So, I don't see myself making a similar suggestion anytime soon 😬.

My stance is this: I am certainly not about to smear some "high-quality product" onto my child's face simply because some stranger on an internet forum recommended it—especially if they follow it up with, "Oh, it worked exactly the same way for my kid," despite the fact—as I've already noted—that they haven't even laid eyes on the actual issue.

I actually found some advice on an adult treatment over at CyberMed. Do you honestly think our doctors here in the States are going to roll out the red carpet just because someone shows up over a few little blemishes?

Look, if someone who’s seemed totally sane, normal, and level-headed on this forum for years tells me to try something from Vichy, Eucerin, or Avene... yeah, I might double-check with my pharmacist first, but call me stupid, I'd actually trust that they solved their own issue.

And sure, let's be real—this forum can be full of nonsense sometimes, but you can still stumble upon some solid advice or learn something new every now and then...

If you really look down on everyone here that much, why are you even wasting your time hanging out with us? 🙂