Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Gregory Wells6 said:Personally, I’m convinced there is an issue here. Her father, though—he’s adamant that everything is fine. Even her psychiatrist won't give a definitive answer yet; apparently, you can't truly confirm a disorder until someone hits twenty-five.
I can see with my own eyes that this situation is spiraling out of control, but I feel completely powerless—every time I try to step in or take action, she just runs straight back to her father and shuts me out. 😕

A psychiatrist... I honestly cannot believe this 😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲

@xanas - I think you might have misread my intention there. I wasn't questioning whether she has an underlying mental health issue; rather, I was wondering if there’s a specific catalyst driving this behavior. Whether it's a history of trauma or just intense resentment stemming from your recent argument, I find it hard to believe this kind of conduct happens in a vacuum just because someone hit puberty. You mentioned she’s using drugs, drinking, running away, and being sexually reckless. In my opinion, that’s a bit much to write off as just "teenage rebellion."

We’ve had to involve psychiatry because things escalated to self-harm and running away from home—it’s been a lot to handle.
We find ourselves in this incredibly strange situation: her father and I divorced when she was just nine years old. For the most part, she handled the split quite normally; there were some minor growing pains, sure, but everything seemed to function smoothly until she hit fifteen. Her father and I have maintained a great relationship—we communicate well and stay involved—so she never felt (or at least didn't seem to feel) like she was missing out on a parent since we’ve both always been right there for her. I even make sure she stays connected with her paternal side of the family—grandparents, aunts, uncles—and for years, I’ve tried my absolute best to ensure the divorce never truly impacted her. Now, we’re facing this absurd reality where her father and I are actually closer to her than she is to us. It isn't like there was any abuse or anything negative regarding the split; if anything, she’s always been our little princess.
If this is all stemming from the divorce, why is she reacting this way only six years later? Her doctor suggests the divorce isn't the cause, but rather that she’s using it as a tool to manipulate us. Honestly, I don't know what else to think—I just know it's exhausting, believe me...

Fair enough, you know best. I can only imagine how exhausting and draining this whole situation must be for you. Maybe there’s something going on outside the house that we don't see? Or maybe it’s just typical teenage rebellion, though I have to admit, I’ve never heard of anyone blowing up quite like this during puberty. In my view, you really only have two ways to play this. You either tighten the reins so hard they practically can't breathe without your permission—even if it causes some friction—or you let go and just pray to God they eventually find their way back to themselves. My only real fear is that if you choose to let go, the consequences of everything they're doing right now might end up being permanent.

Scott Howard74 said:Do you actually want him to follow in your footsteps, or are you gonna let him decide for himself when he hits 8th grade?😉

Now that’s an interesting question... hmmm. No way they’re gonna pull that off where I went. I’ve already got a much better plan in place for him!!🤣
Just kidding, I don't actually know yet. We'll see how it plays out. No promises on any big reveals, but honestly? A little bit of guidance wouldn't hurt!🤷

So, at the end of 8th grade, they basically drag these kids off to some career center for this whole vocational orientation testing thing. On the first day, the kid is just stuck there alone for four hours straight, grinding through tests, and they’re supposed to bring all their medical records too—total overkill if you ask me. Then the second day rolls around, a parent has to tag along, and that’s when they sit you down to tell you what path "suits" the kid and what they supposedly want to do. But honestly? You gotta think twice before committing to any of it, because once you're locked into one of those tracks, trying to switch later is a total nightmare.🙂

You see, we didn't really approach this in a professional manner. We just sort of jumped in right after high school, and that's where things went sideways—I suppose I was just misinformed by my wife about one particular college program.

I went through the same thing back in high school, and honestly, everything they told me turned out to be spot on. I know a few other people who've been through it too, and they were all pretty happy with the experience. In my opinion, it’s definitely a worthwhile thing to do.

Gregory Wells6 said:Personally, I’m convinced there is an issue here. Her father, though—he’s adamant that everything is fine. Even her psychiatrist won't give a definitive answer yet; apparently, you can't truly confirm a disorder until someone hits twenty-five.
I can see with my own eyes that this situation is spiraling out of control, but I feel completely powerless—every time I try to step in or take action, she just runs straight back to her father and shuts me out. 😕

Hi,

I went through something pretty similar, and since I’m still kind of in the thick of it, I figured I’d share what I’ve learned.
I know how much this sucks, and I’m guessing you’re probably eating yourself alive with guilt. That feeling haunted me for a long time.
Look, if she breaks the rules every single time and acts like life is just better at her dad's place, then honestly? Let her go live with him.
If the two of you actually have a decent relationship where you can talk—which was something I couldn't manage—then you need to make a deal. Either he keeps her, or he doesn't take her when things get messy and you actually need to stand your ground and show some authority.
As long as she realizes she can use that as leverage against you, you’re essentially powerless.
That feeling of your kid walking out the door is brutal; it’s heartbreaking. But you have to show some backbone so she learns she can’t just drive the car however she wants.
The grass is always greener on the other side, but from experience, they usually come crawling back pretty fast.

Also, I’m not sure if you’ve seen multiple specialists or just one doctor.
The reality is, if she isn't willing to admit there’s an issue, therapy isn't going to do much of anything.
I get that diagnosing stuff during the teenage years is a nightmare, but it’s worth getting some actual testing done. If we have to wait until 25 to be "sure," how much more of this are you supposed to endure in the meantime? It's not easy.

It’s an exhausting battle, and watching it happen is painful.

Sometimes, when things get really bad, I feel like I’m just watching a sinking ship and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I haven't given up, though. I've sought help from all sorts of places, and in your case, I really think this goes way deeper than just typical puberty.
I truly hope you guys find a way out of this soon. 🙂

It’s been nearly two months now since she moved in with her father. He tells me she’s behaving herself, but the lack of effort toward schoolwork remains—she’s still up all night staring at screens, and honestly, my biggest fear is that she might start experimenting with drugs. I suspect she finds it much easier there because the boundaries are so loose; her dad doesn't even blink if she isn't home by morning, whereas I find myself completely losing my mind over it.
I’ve reached the point where I just let her be—no questioning, no nagging, no interference. I feel like I’ve tried everything short of getting physical. Now, I’m going to try this total detachment approach, just to see if her resistance towards me finally fades once she realizes there’s nothing left to fight against.
We’ve seen several different psychologists and psychiatrists because things felt so pre-crisis and overwhelming that I didn't even know where to begin. This most recent specialist actually came the closest to making progress, even though her methods seemed a bit unconventional to me. Now, she’s pushing her away too, but it follows a predictable pattern: she’ll engage until someone tries to get too close emotionally—the moment she senses an attempt at true connection, she shuts down and cuts contact. Her father finds these sessions incredibly expensive and he hates the long drives to get to the office, so he’s actually encouraging her to stop. Once again, my hands are tied because he provides her with so much support in other areas—it’s always been this way. If I pick a fight with him, I’ll just end up facing his resentment on top of everything else, and I really don't know which would be worse.
I truly believe parents need to be a united front. If a child senses that one parent is being firm while the other is being lenient, it’s game over—they’ll learn exactly how to play both sides to their advantage. Unfortunately, that is precisely what is happening in my house.

Scott Howard74 said:Just take comfort in knowing we were once just as bad

I actually don't think we were ever quite like this. I would never even dream of saying the things my twelve-year-old repeats back to me. Everything is fine as long as things go his way, but if they don't... then it's pure chaos, hatred for everything in sight, and insults. He really knows how to aim right for the things he knows will hurt the most.🙂

The hate speech stuff is what really gets under my skin...😢I honestly feel sick to my stomach whenever I have to subject myself to it....it's just terrifying.

It looks like I have a few clones of my son running around here. Just give him a computer and he’s set—he won't even need food or sleep, let alone study. Honestly, I could just assign him his homework and he’ll actually get it done, though lately, he only bothers making his bed 🎉 when I threaten him with a timeout. He just looks at me and says, "Mom, you raised me this way." As for his father, who doesn't visit or even call, I don't blame him for anything. In fact, I don't even mention him. 🤷

Arthur Castillo said:I actually don't think we were ever quite like this. I would never even dream of saying the things my twelve-year-old repeats back to me. Everything is fine as long as things go his way, but if they don't... then it's pure chaos, hatred for everything in sight, and insults. He really knows how to aim right for the things he knows will hurt the most.🙂

Look, no matter how much it stings, just stop giving them the satisfaction. Once they realize they aren't getting a reaction out of you, they'll back off. We live in these crazy times now where kids feel like they can get away with anything, and then society has the nerve to point the finger at the parents. Back in the day, we all grew up with some kind of discipline—more or less—but nowadays? You lay a hand on them and suddenly you're being hauled off by CPS or the cops. It makes me wonder how those people actually raised their own kids... maybe they're the ones out there causing all the trouble in the streets anyway.
🤷

Everyone loves to act like an expert on my life... I walk into the school for some basic info, and the teacher starts lecturing me on how I should be handling him, like she’s got the magic formula for getting him to actually study or finish his homework. Then we see the pediatrician, and instead of just giving us medical facts, she starts dumping all these unsolicited nutrition tips on me because he's carrying a little extra weight...
It’s like they think I’m an idiot who doesn't know the basics. The real issue isn't *what* needs to happen, it's HOW on earth am I supposed to make him do it? If I even mention cutting back on a third slice of bread, he practically has a meltdown right there in front of me. But then, the second we're sitting in the doctor's office, he's all smiles and agrees with everything she says, telling me, "Yeah, I'll start doing that tomorrow."

I’d say that too if it weren't happening constantly; otherwise, I would 🙂suddenly, just like a snap,🤷 and then after half an hour, you'd act like nothing even happened. But for the last few days, it’s been 🙂

Scott Howard74 said:Look, no matter how much it stings, just stop giving them the satisfaction. Once they realize they aren't getting a reaction out of you, they'll back off. We live in these crazy times now where kids feel like they can get away with anything, and then society has the nerve to point the finger at the parents. Back in the day, we all grew up with some kind of discipline—more or less—but nowadays? You lay a hand on them and suddenly you're being hauled off by CPS or the cops. It makes me wonder how those people actually raised their own kids... maybe they're the ones out there causing all the trouble in the streets anyway.
🤷

Man, don't even get me started on CPS... my oldest still gets a little ear pulling 😁 when he really pushes it, but usually, a stern "parent voice" does the trick. Especially since he has these occasional temper tantrums; we just show him that we can lose it too if we have to.🤷

And that constant need to act like a know-it-all and lecture everyone? I guess that's just the world we live in now. Mostly I just shut him down, ignore it, or rarely give him a compliment (just to keep his ego from getting too huge).😁

So, I know this post was written quite a while ago, but I’m sharing it for anyone else who might stumble upon it today. I'm a 14-year-old girl going through puberty. Long story short, I drove my parents absolutely crazy. Since both of them are professors, there were always massive expectations placed on me. To be honest, I never really found a passion of my own. It didn't help that my brother was a complete superstar compared to everyone his age—and since I'm two years older than him, that just added to the pressure. It drove me nuts, though I kept it all bottled up. I struggled with deep insecurities back then, and honestly, I still do. I started lying about my grades as early as second grade. Things got heavy at home, too; my mom ended up in psychiatric care when I was in fourth grade due to her own struggles, which left me pretty traumatized. I should also mention that I dealt with bullying from the moment I started preschool all the way through elementary school, and it just continued once we moved into middle school. I never told my parents because I didn't want to overwhelm them or add to their stress. I never felt like I fit in anywhere, and because my dad pushed me so hard, I started running away from home. By age 11, I was already drinking, smoking, wearing provocative clothes, and acting out in ways I now realize were just plain foolish. I hung out with much older guys and got into all sorts of trouble. My room was a total disaster zone. My parents were genuinely lost when it came to handling me. They would lock me in, they'd get physical, and they'd take me to see psychiatrists. But nothing worked; my grades just kept slipping, and I kept spiraling. My dad even started taking tranquilizers. If they asked me anything, I’d snap. They always had these condescending comments, acting like they had all the answers to everything. I hated every social circle I was part of. I just despised them all.
My teachers hated me (and they still do—you can tell by the way they treat me compared to other students)! Even if I earned an A, they’d find a way to give me a C. Because of that, I grew to loathe school, which led to terrible anxiety and massive mental blocks. I eventually started skipping classes. My parents truly had no idea how to reach me. However, this past summer, they sent me away to a different part of the country to experience a totally new environment. I spent a month and a half there, and I came back like a completely different person. I even stopped wearing those revealing clothes and all that black attire. I cut my hair, too. I can't quite explain what happened, but I changed fundamentally. I stopped lying about my grades, I rarely fight with my parents now, and I actually keep my room clean—though, thanks to hormones, I still have the occasional mood swing. Overall, I’m much more calm and positive. I think sometimes people just need a change of scenery, because you never truly know what someone is hiding beneath the surface. It was incredibly hard for me growing up because my peers constantly targeted me and bullied me relentlessly. I recognize my mistakes now, but back then, I didn't know how to defend myself, so I just took my frustrations out on everything else. I hope my story helps someone out somewhere.

Way to go, Daniel Taylor7

Read it. I’m already dreading it. She is so incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen to a word anyone says—especially now that she's trying to pull a fast one on us with those 4... once she hits puberty, I'm fleeing straight to South America. ☕