How to build real self-confidence?

I realize there is value in self-confidence. Being certain of oneself is generally considered a virtue.

It is perfectly acceptable.

However, I find overly confident individuals to be fundamentally off-putting.

Take, for instance, Taylor Swift; I found her persona repellent for a long time. I couldn't quite pinpoint the cause, but I see it now: she possesses such an unshakable conviction in her own beauty—which is fine, she’s attractive and if she wants to love herself, good for her—but that level of certainty strikes me as repulsive.

Or consider some young girl on TV who composes, writes, sings, dances, and wins competitions. She knows she has talent. She lists her capabilities and... I wouldn't say she acts arrogant, but she is acutely aware of her own worth. She knows exactly what she brings to the table.

And yet, I still find her off-putting.

It isn't the child's fault, obviously, but I feel a sense of self-loathing when I react negatively toward someone who is simply standing their ground.

I am much more drawn to people who harbor a slight sense of self-doubt, even when they have absolutely no reason to doubt themselves. Those who are equally talented and fully aware of it, yet remain 100% confident.

Those who hesitate, those who lack that overwhelming bravado—they seem warmer to me. More human.

Am I the only one who has this visceral emotional reaction to other people's confidence?

Confident people just serve as a constant reminder of everything I had to endure, even though I never should have had to deal with any of it.

Am I really the only one who gets this emotionally triggered by other people's sheer arrogance?

Nope. That’s just how everyone lacking self-confidence reacts. 👍

The ones who doubt themselves, those who aren't quite so full of bravado—they feel warmer to me, more human.

They feel more relatable... there's always at least a chance you might actually be better than them at something 👍 which, honestly, I think would suit you perfectly...

As for those people whose overconfidence you're complaining about... maybe they aren't even truly confident. Maybe they just feel incredibly important because they checked some box or mastered a specific skill. Feeling important and being genuinely self-assured are two very different things.

Take me, for instance. Because I struggle with my own confidence, people often find me off-putting. They see me as cold, distant, or stuck-up... but that's just egoism in disguise. It's what happens when you lack confidence and try to act vital just to convince the world—and yourself—that you actually matter. It probably only bothers you if it mirrors something you're doing or feeling yourself.

velvetpilot212 said:you aren't. That is simply how every single person lacking self-assurance reacts.👍

On the contrary. It is a fundamental truth that those who suffer from a lack of self-belief absolutely adore people who possess unwavering confidence.😉

Eric Wells3 said:Actually, it's the opposite. People who lack self-belief tend to idolize anyone acting overly confident.😉

I’m talking about the extremely insecure and inexperienced types. Regular people with some healthy doubts, like Nathan Wells45, don't fall into that trap. They can tell when something smells fishy in Denmark.

Anthony Harris14 said:Seeing people act all confident just hits different because it reminds me of everything I had to deal with, stuff I never should have had to face.

Spot on.👍

Same here.😉

The only thing is, being confident is easy when you’ve got a massive safety net backing you up in everything you do.
If that support system disappears, you lose a huge part of your confidence—maybe even all of it. Sometimes, even when things start looking up, that spark just doesn't come back easily.

blueranger12 said:We are dealing with those who are pathologically insecure and utterly lacking in experience. A person with a relatively healthy level of self-doubt, such as Nathan Wells45, doesn't even belong in that category because they possess the basic intuition to realize that something smells fishy over in Denmark.

One must first establish a precise definition of what it actually means to "love" them. Insecure individuals tend to gravitate toward other insecure people simply because they find them easy to get along with—they are pleasant, warm, and harmless. However, if I may be so bold as to share what my own life experiences have taught me, true passion is something one only ever feels toward someone who possesses genuine confidence.

As for Nathan Wells45... either she is a deeply confident individual, or she is fundamentally a stranger to her own soul.😉

Eric Wells3 said:First, you have to define what "loving" them actually means. Insecure people gravitate toward other insecure people because they’re easy to like—they’re sweet, warm, and approachable. But honestly? Experience has taught me that real passion only happens when you're with someone confident.

As for Nathan Wells45... she’s either incredibly confident or she has absolutely no clue who she is.😉

I wouldn't change a single word.😉

Only one thing: when confident people fake being insecure, those insecure types fall for them even harder. It's like nothing else.

Eric Wells3 said:Actually, I disagree. People who lack any sense of self-worth tend to idolize those who carry themselves with confidence.😉

They worship them, sure—treating them like some kind of untouchable deity or something distant and perfect... but at the same time, they can't help but feel envious. They’re actually afraid of them, I think.

Confident people don't spend their time obsessing over how much self-assurance someone else has or why they have it. And more importantly, they aren't threatened by other confident individuals.

Everyone here is right in their own way
As for how much self-confidence I actually possess... I honestly don't know. I know exactly what works for me and what doesn't; I've already done the internal work to settle those accounts with myself. But that’s beside the point.

It’s actually a different question entirely. If I were to say that people who are objectively stunning—you know, perfect teeth, porcelain skin, thick hair, flawless proportions—are somehow less likable than someone with a slight imperfection, like a larger nose or eyes spaced slightly too wide... what would you conclude? That I am either perfectly beautiful or a total disaster.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle, and it isn't relevant to the main topic.

(I'm not even sure why I brought this up now. I suppose I just felt the need to mention that what looks like extreme overconfidence to others is actually quite off-putting to me.)

A hint of imperfection in beauty, a touch of uncertainty in one's actions—these things provide a certain charm.

Take charm, for instance. Someone might be naturally charismatic, but the moment they realize it—the second they become conscious of their own charm and certain that others perceive them that way—the charm vanishes. They adopt a different posture; they separate themselves from the crowd through that very awareness of their own talent.

I don't know. What I'm describing are nuances that I can feel, even if I can't articulate them perfectly.
Those who pay attention to the small details will understand. For anyone else, it doesn't matter.

So, there it is. Just rambling because I felt compelled to say it.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that confident people don't experience self-doubt. In fact, I would argue that anyone who possesses absolute certainty in their abilities without ever questioning them isn't actually confident—they are simply delusional.

True confidence stems from a deep awareness of one's capabilities, coupled with a constant, rigorous interrogation of whether those skills are truly sufficient or if they can be improved. It isn't about making excuses or claiming incompetence; it is about the continuous scrutiny of one's own talents. Without this critical self-examination, any meaningful pursuit of excellence becomes impossible.

Regards...

Confidence doesn't exist in a vacuum without some level of belief in those around you—I mean, how can you even begin to gauge your own progress if you have no one else to measure yourself against?

Maybe it isn't actually the confidence itself that turns people off, but more like everything else that comes bundled with it. Usually, it’s just plain old arrogance and selfishness, which I guess can be pretty obvious, though sometimes it shows up in much subtler ways.
I don't see many confident people who also happen to be, you know, kind, empathetic, or humble. To me, those seem like the traits of someone who's actually mature and stable—someone who genuinely knows their own worth without needing to act like they're better than everyone else.

I suppose if you don't truly believe in yourself, there really isn't much worth searching for out there in the world.

LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES👎 👎 👎 👎

Nicole Mendoza27 said:LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES👎 👎 👎 👎

What on earth are you talking about, man?
I mean, I guess your arguments are totally spot on!
😕

I guess Nicole Mendoza27 is actually aware... 🙄

I’ve always struggled with confidence. It’s just how I am, honestly. Especially when it comes to dating... I’m the kind of guy who needs a woman to practically slap the life into me just to get a shot at her.
Look, I get it. Being confident would definitely be better than being this way. But you can't just rewrite your own DNA, and frankly, I don't even want to try.
You want to? Or you don't? You don't have to...

Charles Young said:But you can't change who you are, and frankly, I have no desire to try.

Of course you can, provided you actually have the will to do it. If you’re perfectly content sitting still and convinced you aren't missing out on anything, then fine. Stay where you are.

To me, the whole point of existence is evolution. We exist to adapt, to mature, to refine our edges, shed our flaws, and pick up better habits along the way. You can't alter your core essence—that's the blueprint that makes you an individual—but everything else is subject to change. You can learn, you can adjust, and through that process, you build actual substance.

Gianluca Vialli said:I wouldn't go so far as to say confident people don't doubt themselves. What I will say is that anyone who claims total certainty in their abilities without a single moment of doubt is simply being foolish. In my view, that isn't confidence—it's pure arrogance.

Perhaps my own assessment is flawed. It is possible I mistake arrogance for confidence simply because I prefer using a polite euphemism over a harsh critique. It’s easier to wrap a flaw in a pleasant word.

It's not arrogance, they claim; it's just confidence.
They aren't being deceptive; they're just "imaginative" and living in their own world.
She isn't rude; she's just "spirited."
And so on.